The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 122

"_Philander._"--If yu borrow ov the Devil, yu must keep yure eye peeled wide open, for the Devil always takes a mortgage, and seldum takes one, that he fails tew foreclose.

"_Plato._"--Mi experience, az far az i have got, iz this, that i kan most alwus find out the style ov milk in enny man's moral kokernutt, by hearing hiz opinion ov hiz nearest nabors, for men are quite apt tew dam in others, what they hav got the most ov themselfs, and praze what they have got the least ov.

"_Pindar._"--The strongest sentiment in woman iz modesty, and the next strongest iz a silk dress, made in the fas.h.i.+on. The strongest sentiment in man iz money, and the next strongest iz 10 per cent. for the use ov it.

"_Phillip._"--If yu expekt to win, yu hav got to suffer,--the bible tells us that heaven must be taken with hard knocks.

"_Pan._"--Fame iz very mutch like good health, them men who hunt for it the most find it the least.

"_Powell._"--Luv at fust sight iz perhaps a leetle risky, but it iz the richest, and most lastingest luv the heart ever feels.

"_Postboy._"--Marrying for munny, iz much like falling out ov a third story winder, if yu happen tew make a good _strike_, it iz a fust-rate excuse for never trying it again.

"_Peac.o.c.k._"--Yu will find in yure journey through this vale ov tears and valley ov dispair, mutch tew fill yure soul with anguish, and dissapointments bitter:--thare iz one thing partickularly apt tew go back ov a yung man, whoze buzzum iz trieing tew bust with hope, and that iz--hiz mustash.

"_Pilot._"--A man may hav a grate deal ov edukashun, and not be verry wize, after awl; jist az he may hav a heap ov strength, and not know the best holts.

"_Pilgarlick._"--Yu ask me the best way tew make berlony sarsage. Here iz the best, and only way:

Take an eel, about six feet in length, and about one feet in wideness, (git a lively eel if possibel); skin the eel lengthways from hed to foot, and stuff the skin with pulvarized gutty perchy, and equal parts ov merino wool; seazon with Scotch snuff and a.s.serfedity, hang it up bi the tail in a Duch grosery for 4 months, for the flies tew giv it the trade marks; it iz then awl reddy for use, and kan be cut up into right lengths, and sold for police clubs.

This kind ov sarsidge iz the only one who took a gold medal at the Paris imposition.

"_Pharaoh._"--It iz an actewal fackt that most ov us work harder, tew seem happy, than we should have to, to be happy.

"_Pedro._"--Before yu buy the hoss yu speak ov, look him over cluss, but don't examin him much afterward, for fear yu may c.u.m across sumthing that yu are looking after. This iz a good rule tew foller when yu take a wife.

"_Pontoon._"--The princ.i.p.al art in flying a kite iz tew git the tail the right heft; tew mutch tail to things iz jist what haz spilte a whole parcel ov clever kites.

"_Palmer._"--Early impres.h.i.+ons are like the dews on the young flowers, soon dried off, but what the fragrance iz made of.

"_Pinchback._"--Don't beleave more than half that yu hear, rumor haz got rising ov 600 toungs, and can lie faster with each one of them than Dexter can trot to an anatomy waggon.

"_Palmer_."--In reply to yure kind and numerous letter, i am happy tew state that mi age iz a profound sekret, but i waz born in the old-fas.h.i.+oned way in the old ov the moon, am long, but crooked, don't beleaf in speerits (not even Jamaka speerits;) am married, or waz twenty years ago, and hav every reazon to beleave that I am now; hav never raized enny boys to mi knowledge, on account ov their liability tew git out ov repair; hav turned mi attens.h.i.+on tew girl children; hav two ov that specie, one ov whom iz now boarding with a yung feller; mi hair iz black, and quite tall behind; i wear a mustash, and number 10 pegged boots; hav a sangunary temperament, and a billyus noze; eat az other folks do, except roasted gooze; roasted gooze iz not one ov mi weaknesses, I kan eat two ov them, and then take a little more ov that are goose; I work for mi bread and roast goose; hav a grey eye, and am alwus az reddy tew wag az the next dog--this iz me. I forgot to state that I waz brought up by a Presbeterian Church in Ma.s.sachusetts, and am a good job.

A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE.

DEAR Brigham:--Excuse this peripatetick letter.

I am a vagrant, and a wanderer on the trail ov literature, and write letters in a rekless, hap-hazard way. I want harnessed young enuff tew be kind in all harness.

[Ill.u.s.tration: DIDN'T KNOW HIS WASHERWOMAN.]

If i had a boy now who had enny simptoms ov enny kind ov lawless, unfixed, and flux noshuns, and who didn't seem tew kare whether he ever amounted tew enny thing or not, and who couldn't tell whare he waz last night till half past two this Morning, and who couldn't recognize hiz own washer-woman, and who wanted tew go into bizzness fur himself, at 16 years old, with a kapital ov two bottles ov Phalon's extrakt, and a mustash, that resembled the mold on a pound ov limeberger cheese, I would say confidenshally tu him:

"_Son_, i hav ben tew blame thus far in frameing yure timber, but yu kan bet them pattent leather boots yu hav got on, and witch haint bin paid for yet, that from now hereafter yu hav got tew begin agin, and weed out yure gardin sa.s.s, and sucker yure grape vine, and plough up yure wild oats, and underdrain yure swamp land, and bush hook yure briar patch and fix yure farm for a krop ov sum kind ov grain that will not disgrace both son and daddy, when it iz brought tew market."

This iz the way i would converse with the young Billings, and if he didn't begin, in ten minnitts, tew take an akount ov hiz bad dets, but begin tew argy the pint with me, and ackt yung rooster up and down in front ov me, mi strong impreshun iz now, that i would retreat a step and let fly mi left purswader, and land that boy sum 60 feet futher oph than he waz.

It would hav bin six hundred dollars in mi vest pocket if sum philanthrop.i.s.st, about thirty years ago, had got mi k.n.o.b in chancery, and not given up the case till he had punched out ov my hed the fresh water noshun that the best way tew foller a blind trail in the wilderness waz not tew take enny compa.s.s.

This kind ov ded sure knowledge, amung fresh yung men, haz landed four hundred out ov evry five hundred ov them, before they had got half way thru life, into sum soft swamp, and the other hundred hav sot out the close ov their lifes on a fence, lamenting the hard work they did, in their younger daze, tew make * * * phools ov themselfs.

I kno it iz az eazy az chawing gum, for a yung instutution ov a boy, who haz got a burning-fluid natur, tew be anxious tew jine all the torch-lite doings in the country, and tew holler "amen" before the prayer iz haff through; but i feel it my duty tew tell these camphene children tew cork up their litening.

I don't want enny body's boy Billy tew be a ded hed; a skim-milk cheeze; a colporter of water gruel; a putty babeling; a kurl-papered nussery doll; an ap.r.o.n-tied anatomy blonde; a timid corpse amung hiz ph.e.l.lows, afraid ov a bug, and satisfied with a kitten.

I ain't voting for this breed ov boys; i only ask the virginity ov mi s.e.x tew make up their minds, from the experiences ov those who have observed the elaphant, that youth waz given them, not tew be boss, but apprentiss; not tew lead, but tew foller; not tew harvest, but tew plant.

There iz no danger in turning a snaik loose; even before he gits fairly haired out, natur teaches him tew make his fust wiggle a correct pattern for hiz last one. She makes him a snaik from the word "go," and nothing else, and if he takes a noshun tew go tew the devil--who cares?

But ov all the most deplorabel luck that kan be the inheritance ov a camphene boy, i don't kno ov a more dangerous one than tew be hiz own master, or the master ov hiz daddy.

I hav known sum ov theze excentricks that Satan couldn't ketch, who hav dodged him suckcessfully for the whole ov their lives, but i kan tell you, mi dear boys, it is no credit tew match yourselfs against the devil, even if you hav a ded soft thing. This beating the devil at his own game, is like surviving the small pox, it may make yu proff agin sum more small pox, but yu are sure tew show sum ov the dents.

Dear Brigham, theze remarks are not intended tew be personal, they wouldn't fit yu enny more than a side-saddle would fit the back stretch ov a trottin track, for i know yu hav bin broke tew stand without tieing.

SHORT REPLYS.

DEAR Alice.--I kno nothing about musik. I dont kno this tune from the other.

I dont kno "Yankee doodle" from "Now I lay me on the gra.s.s," or "Mary had an infant sheep."

I am unkommon sorry for this, but dont think that i am to blame for it.

I hav melody in me sumwhare, for enny boddy kan make me kry if they are kareful.

I love the tender az i do a rare boiled egg.

I hav shed menny a tear, without enny boddy knoing it, over some mother's catch, or simple lulaby.

But this iz kalled mere weakness by the artistiks.

I hav seen wimmin in opera, and also hav seen them in fits, and prefer the fits, for then i kno what tew do for them.

Yu must git sum proffessor ov musik tew answer yure letter, for i don't kno enny more about kla.s.sikal musik than i do about being a mother-in-law.

Theze are two very hard things tew komprehend.

I understand all about ice kream, and if yu ever k.u.m down our way, we will hav a bowl ov it together.