The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 123

It dont seem tew require enny branes tew luv ice kream, and i dont kno az it duz tew luv musik.

_Pensive Rebekker._--I got yure letter bi mistake, for the letter yu sent me, yu wrote for the other ph.e.l.low.

I am only sorry on the other ph.e.l.low's ackount, for yure deskripshun ov him, which i should hav received, may worry him.

It don't hurt my pheelings tew be called a "_pokey dunce_."

I never waz mutch ov a favourite, not even with miself, and often think i am what yu kall me, a "_strapping monster_."

Dont let this little mistake on yure part worry yu, for i luv frankness, and think just az mutch ov yu az i did before.

_Artless Jane._--In repli tew yure long letter, i will state promptly, I kant see enny objekshuns tew yure lover kissing yu, not if yu want tew hav him.

Theze things are all regulated by the law ov _supply_ and _demand_.

If thare iz a demand for it, the supply iz generally on hand.

I dont think it iz best tew be too extravagant in theze matters, for kissing iz like all other hily konsentrated goods, a little ov it goes a good ways.

Too mutch kissing is like mola.s.sis kandy, it spiles the hanker for plain vittles.

But yure own good taste will decide when yu hav bin kisst enuff.

_Pretty Ruth._--Yu tell me that yure lover haz trifled with yure pheelings, and fled.

This has alwus been the trubble, and alwas will be, whare kourting iz did in a kareless way.

Courting iz business, and iz jist az mutch ov a game az hi lo jak.

If you let yure opponent see yure jak, he will be very apt teu swing and ketch it.

Yu shouldn't let yure lover see yure pheelings tew mutch, but make beleave that yu haint got no jak in yure hand.

We all ov us luv what we have tew work the hardest for, and prize it the most when we do git it.

I hav seen the game ov hi lo jak, that I am a talking about, played in this way, and it waz well played too.

The ph.e.l.low held a king, and a ten spot, and the gall held a jack, and a duce.

The ph.e.l.low swung for the jack with his king, and kaught the duce, and then the gall swung with her jak, and kaught his 10 spot.

Theze kind ov galls never hav tew advertise for runaway lovers.

_Gay Betsey._--Mi opinyun ov oysters, on the haff sh.e.l.l, remains unchanged. I konsidder them better vittles than ever jupiter, or hiz wife Juno, swallowed, altho they had the pick ov all the best provishuns in their day.

But i kant say that a woman kan take an oyster, oph from a sh.e.l.l, without spileing the effekt.

It iz one ov them gimnastik feats, that they should alwas praktiss fust, for a long time, in the subdued stilness ov sum private pantry.

I kant tell yu whether an oyster haz got enny pheelings or not, but i kno they hav excellent taste, espes.h.i.+ly the saddle roks.

They hav more taste than judgement, and tho they are called muscles, they have no muskaler strength.

They are also called "bivalves" bi the unlearned, but this iz a vulgarism.

The true name iz "good-bye valves," a term of aff.e.c.kshun applied tew them, when they waz fust swallowed whole oph from the haff sh.e.l.l.

If you will ponder into history, az i hav, yu will find menny sitch thing az this tew provoke yure grat.i.tude and wisdum.

Giv mi love tew yure sister Amelia, and tell her, that i say, she haz got what but phew wimmin hav, who hav got az mutch buty, she haz got a sweet temper.

A sweet temper always grows brighter with age, while buty iz extra hazardous, and perishable goods.

MI DEAR MISS JEMIMA JOSEPHINE JENKINS:

I received your kind letter on time, asking me tew impart mi influence tew prokure for yu the privilege (and sundry and divers other females in yure school deestrikt) tew vote, and hav offis, and do the same things that men do.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

I hav thought over the thing industriously, and should be happy to floor miself, and all mi energys at yure feet in enny cauze that i thought waz for your happiness and final suckcess.

I am in favour ov wimmin, and they kan own me at enny moment bi asking for me or dropping me a letter.

I owe them mi existence, mi fust nourishment, and mi fust virtews.

If i am ever saved it will be the result ov woman's care and influence, at a time when i want worth saving.

Woman haz dun for me what no man could or would do.

But, Jemima, Eve, yure gratist grandmother, committed a mistake, a good deal bigger than the one which yu are anxious tew commit, but thare iz a remote similarity in the mistakes.

She wanted tew kno and hav a hand in awl that waz a going on, and the Devil offered tew teach her, and yu hav heard what the result waz.

Mi advise tew yu iz tew stay right whare yu are, yu hav a power now that never kan be less if yu hold on to it, but if yu spit on yure hands tew git a better holt yu may lose yure grip entirely.

When yu begin tew vote yu hav got tew learn how tew wrangle, tew jaw back, tew intrigue, and bet yure stamps on the election, and if yu vote contrary tew yure husband thare will be a muss in the family, and if he votes kontrary tew yu there will be a bigger muss in the family.

Voting iz a mere negatiff power ennyhow. If a vote aint hove right it iz wuss than no vote, and what a.s.surance hav yu tew offer that yu are going tew vote right? Yu hav more sensitiveness than the men have, and konsequently more prejudices, yu hav got full az mutch vanity and a heap more stubborness.

Thare iz more than haff the votes hove now without judgement or influenced bi others.

If yu git hold ov the ballot box what reformashuns dew yu propose?