The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 124

I hav never saw yure platform.

Yu will vote against whiskee, i hope, and tobbacco, and whiskers, and club rooms, and trotting hosses, and pitching cents, and staying out late nights, and wearing pattent leather boots, two sizes too small, and lots ov this kind ov male iniquity, but what are yu going tu vote _for_?

Yu will hav tew vote agin trials bi jury, and dispoze ov them or else yu will hav tew sit on jurys, and will this be yure best style?--eight men and four wimmin locked up in a jury room all night together, on bred and water, with yure husbands peeking thru the key holes, tew see how the verdik is a going.

Yu will hav tew vote agin a poll tax, and git rid ov poll taxes, or, if yu are poor, yu will hav tew work yure tax out on the road, alongside ov sum rum drinking and tobbaco chawing wretch, who will take grate pains tew chaw, and sware, tew show hiz superiorite tew yu.

Yu will hav tew vote agin all riots, and reserexkshuns, and thus put an end tew them, or else when thare iz an irish riot, to kill oph the surpluss n.i.g.g.e.rs, yu will hav tew c.u.m out armed with sumthing, if nothing more than a pair ov tongs, and just az like az not looze yure best waterfall in the mussness, jist think how billyous this will be.

Yu will hav tew vote agin awl kind ov housework, for how kan yu run the United States government, if yu are kept patching pantaloons all the time?

Yu will hav tew vote agin enny more human beings making their appearance, for who iz a going tew nourish the babe, while yu are down tew the town hall, trieing tew elekt a favourite constabel, yure husband kant do it enny how, unless yu hav him rekonstrukted.

Suppoze yu git elekted tew congress from yure distrikt, every woman in the country, who haz got a husband thare, will be on hand tew watch how things are a going, and yu will be acused ov transgreshuns, that never entered yure hed, or hart.

Suppoze yu had a vote to day, dew yu know of enny woman on arth, that yu would vote for, i mean, unmarried woman, like yureself?

Miss Jemima, Josephine, Jenkins, the more i grind these things in mi mind, the more i think yu had better turn yure attenshun towards harvesting a good hustband, and making his house the envy ov the naberhood, bi the gentle, and domestik virtews, which Heaven haz so lavishly loaned tew yu, rather than attending caucusses, holding wimmin convenshuns, or travelling athwart the country, in company with a set of longhaired, male hybrids, who haven't got enny reputashun tew spare, and who will cheat yu out ov what yu hav got.

If you or enny other virtewous, gentle woman, wants an ernest defender, one who beleaves that yure s.e.x holds the ballance ov power now, one who looks upon a mother (who ever she iz) az the queen ov the situation, one who looks upon a sister az an angel friend, one who looks upon a daughter az the gift of G.o.d, one who looks upon a wife with awl the pathos of venerashun, if yu want any help from sich a ph.e.l.ler, in battling with the trials that Heaven haz planted in the pathway ov a womans legitimate sphear, send for me, i am yure man.

But i hav no ambishun tew see yu a voter, and i think the hour which sees yure s.e.x, in this country, voters, will see the eazy and rapid dissolushun ov the only barrier we have, between the coa.r.s.e instinkts ov man, and the sakred safety ov the domestick vertews, ov which yu hav been ordained the vestal keepers.

Pardon me, Miss Jemima, if mi language in this letter iz strong, it c.u.ms from a strong place, mi heart, if i didn't mean what i say i should hav bin az sweet az a courtier, i should hav torked about the gorgeous mission of woman, the exalted career that might be opened for her in walks yet untrod, and other rhapsodys in the key bugle style, but i kno the power that woman haz over me, and i kno whare it lays, it dont lay in the ballot box, it lays in that misterious delikasy ov hers, thoze silken threads, whoze power iz invisible.

In summing up, if i kno ennything about human natur all that "_Wimmin's rights_" means, iz, _more power_, and enny woman who would exchange a single article, in the "magna-karta" which she now iz empress ov, for the whole ov the byelaws, const.i.tushun, and power sought for, in the ranting programme ov a "wimmins right convenshun," would be swapping an intrinsick bower, for an emaskulated privilege.

"_Barney._"--I received the rat tarrier yu sent me by the Merchants'

Union Express, last evening, and gave him a quart ov milk for hiz tea.

He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more; it made him stick out like a false caff.

He slept sound last night, and hasn't waked up yet, altho it iz now 10 o'clock this morning.

I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and he iz now rus.h.i.+ng things around the room for sum rats.

He haz just tipped over a Chinese G.o.d, worth 8 dollars, and broke him, he will git rats when mi wife c.u.ms in.

He kant find enny rats, and is now chawing oph mi little boy's toe--to hiz shoe.

He iz now crazy for rats agin, and will smash the other vase agin, I'll bet.

Thare goes the other vase, bi thunder! all tew powder.

He iz now out ov wind, and iz running hiz tung out and in.

He wants tew go out doors for sumthing, and i hav let him went.

He haz just found a poor little boy in the street, whom he knows, and the boy seems tew know him, and they hav gone round the next block, on a run, together, tew see sumthing.

He don't seem tew c.u.m back!

It iz now to-morrow, and the tarrier don't seem tew c.u.m back.

My wife iz glad ov it.

I am out 2 vases, a quart of nu milk, and one tarrier.

My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him tew immediate soak in the cistern at onst.

Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wimmin that don't make enny statements unless they are true, so yu needn't send me enny more tarrier.

"_Fred._"--Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma go home with her from a partee, git the gals endors.e.m.e.nt, and sale in; it iz proper enuff tu ask her tu take yure arm, but yu haint got no rite tu put yure arm around her waste, unless yu meet a Bear on the rode, and then yu are bound tu take yure arm away, just az soon az the Bear gits safely by.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

"_Snyder._"--Rats originally c.u.m from Norway, and i wish they had originally staid thare. They are about as uncalled for as a pain in the small ov the back. They kan be domestikated dreadful eazy, that is, as far as gitting in cupboards, and eating cheese, and knawing pie, is concerned.

The best way tew domestikate them that ever I saw, is tew surround them gently, with a steel trap; yu kan reason with them then tew grate advantage.

Rats are migratorious, they migrately whare ever they hav a mind to.

Pisen is also good for rats; it softens their whole moral naturs.

Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, and--who don't.

I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of rats in Amerika (i quote now entirely from memory,) and i don't serpose thare is a single necessary rat in the whole lot. This shows at a glance how menny waste rats thare is. Rats enhance in numbers, faster than shoe pegs do by machinery. One pair ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew start the rat bissiness with, and in ninety days, without enny outlay, he will begin tew hav rats,--tew turn oph.

_Stujent._--We never furnish ortograffs in less quant.i.ty than bi the package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, but it dont strik us az being profitable nor amuzing. We furnished a near and very dear friend our ortograff a few years ago, for 90 days, and it got into the hands ov one of the banks, and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went out of the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it sinse.

Manifess destiny iz a disseaze, but it iz eazy tew heal; i hav seen it in its wust stages cured bi sawing a cord ov dri hickory wood. I thought i had it onse, it broke out in the shape ov poetry; i sent a speciment ov the disseaze tew a magazine, the magazine man wrote me nex day as follers:

"_Dear Sur_: Yu may be a darn phule, but yu are no poeck. Yures, in haste."

_Matty_--It iz very natral that you should ask me in what manner you should reseave the proposal from your lover. It iz sumthing ov a trick tew dew it nice. You don't ought tew jump into the collar suddin, nor fly back suddin, like a bocky hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind, looking down hill, with an expreshun, about half tickled and half scart.

After the pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont think I would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own course.

_Mirakle_:--Yu sa "yu kant understand the mirakle ov the whale, that swallered Joner." I dont serpose that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully understood it themselfs. I kant tell yu what Joner did while in the whale's sosiety; but i kno what a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder on the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed the ile for salvage, or sold out his chanse.

SHORT, BUT SWEET.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

_Richard._--Yu done wisely tew ask me questions in _Natral history_. I am perfektly at hum amung beasts, burds, and fishes. I kan tell whi the flea bights, whi the bull bellers, and whi the rinosseross hasn't got but one tusk, and that on the top of his knoze. I hav writ the biography ov all theze kritters, from the genial muskeeter and pensiv c.o.c.kroach klean up tew the elephant, with hiz trunk, and the lion, who hain't got enny trunk at all. You ask me about the zebra. The zebra iz a striped hoss, the wildesst thing in natral history ov hiz size, and az hard tew civilize az the hyena, and az useless, when civilized, az the osstritch or the rattlesnaik. They don't inhabit the United States at large; they may liv in Kanda, if they hav a mind to--I never hav been thare tew diskover. They are about the size ov a moderate mule, but they kant kik with the mule. Thare ain't nothing that kiks for phun or kiks for a living that kan outkik a mule, except it iz an old-fas.h.i.+oned, Continental, revolus.h.i.+onary war, Fourth ov July musket. Put about 3 and a haff inches ov powder into one ov theze old vetrans of 1776, ram it down heavy, and lay it on a stump, and tutch it oph with a slo match, and I had just az leafs stand in front ov it az tew stand in the rear ov it. Thare iz sum ov the oldest and crossest ov theze muskets that will kik, and even squeal, if yu go near them, whether they are loaded or not. The zebra iz ov no use whatever only tew look at, at 25 cents a chance, in sum circus tent, but after they are broke they are spilte for enny thing else. They are like all other wild animals--fleet only for a short distance; and civilizashun iz a grate damage tew them, just az it iz tew an injun. Deth iz the only kind ov civilizashun that an injun kan understand.