The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 125

_Caroline._--Yu ask me whi i dont write sweet, and sentimental, and luvly things.

I aint bilt right, Caroline, for that kind ov labor.

I am tew round-shouldered, tew write perfumed sentances.

When i git hold ov an idee, i hav tew let it go out, into the world, like a bird oph from mi hand, bareheaded, and barefooted, a sort ov vagrant.

If i should undertake tew dress it up in fine clothes, sum folks would say i stole the idee, and other folks would say i tried tew steal the clothes, tew dress it in, and got ketched at it.

I make no pretentions tew literature, i pay no homage tew elegant sentances, i had rather be the father ov one genuine, original truth, i don't kare if it iz az humpbacked az a drumudary, than tew be the author ov a whole volume ov glittering cadences, gotten up, for wintergreen-eating schoolgirls tew nibble at.

_Benjamin._--Horace Greeley iz not what may be termed a praktikal farmer, he iz what iz kalled a diks.h.i.+onary farmer.

The papers tell us he looks for cabages on trees, digs for apples, hunts stun walls for hens eggs, haz tried tew improve the flavor ov mutton, by a kross ov the hidraulik ram on the south-down, splits the duks feet, so they kan stand a fair chance with a hen when they c.u.m tew the skratch, combs hiz roosters heds, by cutting oph their topnots, lathers and shaves hiz phatting hogs 3 times a week, makes his cows wear greengogles, so they will mistake shavings, and peabrush for clover, piks hiz geese once in 24 hours tew keep them cool, and throws away the feathers, digs a hoel in the ground and plants oats, a pek in a place, and runs a grind stun, and two pattent churns, by konnekting sum kind ov a pattent kontrivance to hiz cows tails in fli time.

Now if theze fakts are trew, Horace Greely iz not a praktikal farmer, he iz only a genius in husbandry a hundred years ahed ov the time.

I haven't mutch doubt miself a hundred years from now science and theory, and book larning will have so changed agrikultur that every time a hen laze an egg, they won't indulge in the silly kackel they do now, but will sing sum lively air, and the old rooster will dance tew the musik in front ov the nest.

Thare iz a good time comeing, so we are told, and we have waited so long for it, we might az well hang on now till it c.u.ms.

_Prudence._--I received yure kind letter yesterday, and must admit that i kant answer yure question.

_I don't kno what a Dolly Varden iz._

I kno that all the ladys, when they walk out, hav an immense sight of clothes, all in one spot, about the center ov their backs, but whether this iz a Dolly Varden, or knot, I dont kno, and da.r.s.ent ask.

I hav looked in Webster unabridged, and kant find it thare. I hav waded in the ensiklopedio, and lo! it aint thare. I have asked all mi bacheler friends, and they blush, and begin tew talk about the poets, Longfellow and Harry Ba.s.sett. I have spoke tew married men about it, (I am married too) and they say "_hush_" and pa.s.s on in a grate hurry, and I begin tew guess, the whole thing iz a kussid sell, got up expressly to Bear the market.

Prudence, I giv it up square, I dont kno what a Dolly Varden iz, and I aint a going tew try to find out enny more nuther, for I am satisfied, from what I hav found out about it allready, that it iz none ov mi bizzness.

_Picayune._--The sucker iz not a game phish, the very name indicates that.

They won't bight at a hook, and are a lazy set ov vagrants, emigrating in the spring ov the year, out ov muddy mill ponds, up sluggish streams, into the country.

They kant liv in swift water, they are too lazy tew ketch their breth in it.

They are az tasteless az a merino potatoe, and az for general intelligence, are jist about on a par, with a korn kob.

They are kaught with a spear, and thare iz just about az mutch sport in it, az stabbing seed cowc.u.mbers in a garden, by moonlite, with a three-tined fork.

_Howard._--Your letter iz come tew hand and its kontents karefully weighed, and I find that they don't weigh heavy.

In reply, we beg leaf tew state that the North Pole haz not bin found out yet.

Du notiss ov its length, and its size at the b.u.t.t, and the kind ov fowls that hav bin roostin on it, and the kind ov wood on which it iz bilt, and the amount ov kindling wood it would undoubtedly make, well split up, and its universal history will appear in the Spice Box collum, just az soon az the Pole iz got.

In the mean time keep cool, kultivate your mustash, be polite tew your ritch aunt, if you hav got one, studdy Hall's guide tew health, and shun all gra.s.s-widders.

_Caroline._--Yu ask us, "Which iz worth the most tew a woman, buty, or modesty."

For a quick return, perhaps buty iz, but for an investment, for the sake ov the interest, we rekomend modesty.

Modesty never grows stale, but buty iz like bukwheat kakes, aint good kold, nor warmed up nex day.

We konsider buty one ov the best _kollatterals_ that a woman kan possess, but if she haint got nothing else but buty, she aint no better off than she would be with a life insurance policy, which was forfeited for the non-payment of premiums.

Buty alone wont _wear_ well, and thare iz a grate deal of it now daze that wont _wash_ at all and keep its color.

JOSH REPLIES.

"_Thomas._"--"Jordan is a hard road to travel," i kant tell you who was the inventor ov this saying, sum foot sore cus probably, who waz too lazy to keep a hoss and waggon, or else a hotel darkey carryin' trunks all day.

[Ill.u.s.tration: A HARD ROAD TO TRABBLE.]

"_Ferdinand._"--"Man wants but little here belo, nor wants that little long," iz a libel, man _wants_ evrything he kan see, or hear ov, and never is willing to let go ov hiz grab. Whenever yu find a man who iz thoroughly satisfied with what he has got, yu will find either an ideot, or one who haz tried to git more and couldn't do it.

The older a man grows, the more wantful he bek.u.ms, and az hiz hold on life slakens, hiz pinch on a dollar grows grippy.

"_Herod._"--He that puts a small value on hiz services, issues proposals tew the lowest bidder. When yu make a request ov divine Providence, it iz best to be modest, if yu expekt to git what you ask for, but there is so little modesty in the world, between men, that when we c.u.m acrost it, we mistake it for ignorance or imbecility. Yu will often see little boys ketching flies, and killing them just for fun, but you don't see them ketch hornets just for fun. The sting in the hornet's tail iz what makes him respektable.

"_Miller._"--Yu hav got it right the fust time, ingrat.i.tude is one ov them crimes that evry boddy sticks up their noze at, it is the worst insult we kan giv, or receive, it lets a man drop down belo the level ov the dum brutes, for the yellowest, and meanest dog in the United States wags hiz tail, if yu throw him but a burnt crust. What an awful thought it iz, that ingrat.i.tude iz the common sin against G.o.d.

"_Matilda._"--Kissing is one ov the rudiments, babys are learnt it instead ov the alphabet, but they dont understand the strong points in it, yet they seem tew luv it without knowing why, this iz a bricky argument that kissing iz one ov naturs most natural noshuns. I kant tell yu whether thare is enny pertikular etiket to be observed in administrating a kiss or not. Between lovers it iz sumtimes usual to kiss and hang on, but it strikes me that the best way iz tew c.u.m up frunt face, in single file, then fire and fall back one pace, this gives the patients a chance tew get the flavour. The grate buty ov a kiss lies in its impulsiveness, and in its impressibility, two pretty big words, but worth the munny.

I haven't dun enny thing in the kissing line, (ov an amateur natur,) ov late years, and there may be sum new dodge, that i aint posted in, but the old-fas.h.i.+oned, 25 year ago kind, i remember fresh, that kind didn't hav enny mathematicks in it, but waz more like spontaneous combustion.

Kissing, az a general thing, iz not very interesting tew bystanders, and iz sumtimes even looked upon, by a third party, az uncalled-for.

"_Warwick._"--"He that giveth tew the poor, lendeth tew the Lord," if yu had read yure Bible az mutch az i hav, yu wouldn't hav asked me if Shakespeare wrote this remark.

Charity iz az mutch ov a privilege, az it iz a duty, and lending to the Lord, iz undoubted security, for enny man's munny.

He that gives nothing away while living, dies a bankrupt, and hiz estate iz generally settled by hiz heirs, a good deal az the crows settle a ded hoss, by pitching into the remains.

Thare iz menny folks whoze hearts bile with charity, but whoze extremitys are cold, a half a dollar kontrakts tew a 3 cent piece, by the time it reaches the end ov their fingers.

"_Gildad._"--Yure juicy letter haz questions enuff tew make a distrikt-school-master faint, and if i should answer them all, yu would be fuller ov edukashun than an aulmanak.

Who the author ov the saying, "the good die yung," waz, i don't care, but i will remark, if that iz a good bet, the yunger a man kan die the better; and not tew be born at all, iz a ded sure thing.

Again, az it regards the number ov years that a kat kan live, that depends entirely upon circ.u.mstances, they kant liv over Sunday with me.

"_Abel._"--Yu kant pick out a hipokrite by his looks, enny more than yu kan a fat oyster by the sh.e.l.l, they are frequently like an old musket, laid away up garret, hav often bin known, tew let oph a charge, that had been sleeping, with one eye open, for 3 years. They are like silver-plated forks, wear well for a long time, but are sure to show the odious bra.s.s at last.