The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 126

"_Hannibal._"--Giving presents, with the hope of receiving presents in return, takes away awl the cream ov giving, or receiving, it is like swopping skim-milk, for milk that has bin skimd.

"_Mercury._"--"Owe for a lodge in sum vast wilderness," waz the private opinion of Mr. Cowper, one ov the very few men, who hav lived yet, who waz pure enuff, tew monopolize a woods, without enny company but his soul, and the G.o.d who made it. Most people holler for solitude without thinking that it iz a thickly settled place, full ov memorys. Solitude is the last place for a good man to go to, and the only place that a wicked man kant liv in. Even wild beasts dont like solitude, and luv tew see the smoke ov a chimbly. Solitude, in small doses, iz all well enuff, but 25 miles square ov it, would make most men, either a counterfiter, or a hoss thief.

JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A "HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN."

_Dear Doktor Hirsute_:--I reseaved a tin cup ov yure "Hair purswader,"

also a bottle ov yure "Salvashun Bitters," bi express, for which, I express my thanks.

The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov purswader that we ov the press fully understand.

Yur hair grease, shall hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a spare time.

I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, this morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew long az a hosses tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew c.u.m up thru, on bak ov the brush, 'tis really wonderful! 'tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed a drop or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than 5 years, and beggar me! if I don't hav to shave the cane handle, evry day, before I can walk out with it.

I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz one ov the Hambletonian breed ov cats, and altho she iz yung, and haint bin trained yet, she shows grate signs ov speed.

I thought I would just rub the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the corner ov the room whare the cat generally repozes.

The consequents waz, sum ov the "purswader" got onto the hair ov the cat's tale.

When the cat aroze from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which had growed tew an exalted size; taking one more look at the tale, she started, and bi the good olde Moses! sich running; across the yard! over the fence! up wun side ov an apple tree! and down the other! out into the fields, away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch awl tale.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

I wouldn't hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old tale on her.

In a fu daze, i shall find a spare time, and then i shall write up, for our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which will make the hair grow on the head ov a number 2 mackrel, to read it.

Dear Dokter, the fact iz, "sum men are born grate, sum men git grate after they are born, and sum men hav grateness hove upon them."

Doctor, you are awl 3 ov these men, in one.

Yu are a kind ov vegitable trinity, sa.s.syfra.s.s, pokeroot, and elderberry.

It waz a happee thought in you, tew call your "Salvashun Bitters" a "vegatabel tonicks," although, old rye aint one ov the vegatabels, whiskee iz one ov the tonicks.

The people must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you kan git into the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peopel will luv you.

Thare is nothing the christian world long for so mutch, just now, as a vegatabel bitter.

Sa.s.syfra.s.s is good for a lonesum stummuk, pokeroot is an alteratiff, and Elderberry was known to the ans.h.i.+ents, but what! oh tell me what! yee whispring winds, what! are all these without whiskee.

Thank the Lord, that at laste, we hav got a bitter, that will tonick a man up.

Nothing, sinze the good old daze ov Jamaka Rum, and sider Brandee, haz sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurld, az "Hirsute's Salvashun Bitters," sold respektably bi awl druggists, far and near.

Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, and pattent truss men, howl out in envy, let pills rant, and plasters rave, you hav got what the wurld wants, and will have, and that iz, an erb bitter, with a broad whiskee basis.

P. S.--Let me advize yu az a friend; if it iz indispensible necessary tew cheat a little, in the manufakter ov the "Salvashun Bitters," let it by awl means be in the rutes, dont lower the basis.

Yures quietly, JOSH BILLINGS.

{KARACTER VARIETY.}

[Ill.u.s.tration]

THE Ga.s.sY MAN.

The ga.s.sy man iz a kind ov itinerant soda fountain, a sort ov hi-preshure reservoi ov soap-suds, who spouts bubles and foam, whenever he opens hiz mouth.

Theze quacks in the small beer line, hav but phew branes, but their branes are like yeast, they kant rize without running over every thing.

I have known them tew argy a point 3 hours and a half, and never offer one good reazon in the whole time.

They mistake words for ideas, and their tongues travel tew just about az mutch purpose az a boy's wind mill duz, in the teeth ov a stiff nor wester.

They are the vainest ov all human beings that hav yit bin discovered, and think, bekauze people kant eskape their furios effervescence, they are pleazed and convinced.

I never knu one ov theze windmills yet, but what thought Soloman waz almost an ideot kompared tew them, and I never knu one to ever diskover hiz mistake.

Yu mite az well undertake tew git the pride out ov a pek.o.c.ks tail, bi laffing at it, az to convinse theze ph.e.l.lows that what they say aint either wit or wisdum.

The ga.s.sy man iz not bi enny means a bad man at heart, he iz often az good natured az he is phoolish, but hiz friends.h.i.+p aint worth mutch more tew yu than the luv ov a lost pup, who iz reddy tew phollow enny one off who will pat him on the back.

THE SHARP MAN.

The sharp man iz often mistaken for the wize one, but he iz just az diffrent from a wize one az he iz from an honest one.

He trusts tew hiz cunning for suckcess, and this iz the next thing to being a rogue.

The sharp man iz like a razor--generally too sharp for enny thing but a shave.

Theze men are not tew be trusted--they are so const.i.tuted that they must cheat sumboddy, and, rather than be idle or lose a good job, they will pitch onto their best friends.

They are not exackly outkasts, but liv cluss on the borders ov criminality, and are liable tew step over at enny time.

It iz but a step from cunning tew raskality, and it iz a step that iz alwuss inviting to take.