The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 18

They are human dough made to order, and baked az yu choose.

Ain't it orful?

FINIS.

Finis iz the end ov all things--the happyest place in the whole job.

All things on arth hav an end to them, and i kant think ov but phew things now that hain't got two.

A ladder haz two ends to it, and the surest way tew git to the top ov it iz tew begin at the bottom.

Finis iz the best and only friend that menny a man in this world ever haz, and sum day Finis will be the autokrat ov the universe.

Bully for yu, Finis.

{ANIMATED NATUR.}

THE NU FOUNDLAND AND THE TARRIER.

Dogs are one ov the luxurys ov civilizashun.

In uncivilized life they perhaps are more one ov the necessitys, az they quite often are cooked, and eaten whole.

Among the civilized, if they ever do git onto a bill ov fare, (ov which i have mi own private doubts,) they are more artisktly handled, and enter into hash, or sa.s.sage, not az the leading artikle, but more tew kreate a good average.

But i am not now disposed to treat ov dogs az vittles, but as the companyun ov man, hiz pet, and hiz partner.

The Nu foundland dog iz a natiff ov the place whare the n.o.bel kodfish iz kaught.

He dont liv in the water, like the kodfish, but unlike the kodfish, livs on the land.

Hiz princ.i.p.al amuzement iz saving life, and i am told that thare iz hardly a man, or a woman, in all Nu foundland, but what haz had their lives saved several times by these wonderful dogs.

They are taken from Nu foundland to various parts ov the world, and are kept for the purpose ov dragging the drowning from a watery grave.

Yu will find them in mountaneous countrys, whare thare aint enny water, but little brooks. Here they dont hav mutch to do, in their line ov bizzness, and git verry fatt.

But i am told, that even here, they dont forget their natur, and kan often be seen looking down into the wells, after drowning men.

This shows the grate power ov instinkt, and the force ov bizzness habits, alwus looking for a job.

I never hav had mi life saved by one ov theze n.o.bel kritters, but am reddy tew hav it done, at enny time, at the usual rates.

Life iz sweet, and it iz cheaper tew hav it saved by a dog than by a doktor.

But these dogs are all hydropaths, and thare iz sum pholks so kussid sentimental that they had rather die than be doktered bi ennything else than an old skool allopath.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

I am just phool enuff, if I waz in the pond, just at the pint ov deth on ackount ov too mutch water, and thare waz a Nufoundland dog standing on the sh.o.r.e out ov a job, I should let him handle the case, rather than send four miles for a regular dokter.

I may be all wrong in this, but if the dog hauled me out all right, I should hav time tew repent ov mi blunder, and next time send for a physician with a diploma.

It iz never too late tew repent ov a blunder, not if you hav got plenty ov time on hand that you don't kno what to do with.

I never hav owned a Nufoundland dog, but just az soon as i git able tew board one, without skrimping mi family, i mean to buy one, or borro one, just for hiz board.

I don't know ov ennything more magnificent than tew hav a grate ill.u.s.trious Nufoundland dog tew follow yu in a mountaneous country.

I liv at Pordunk (the home ov the Billings family) and Pordunk iz not a wet place.

Thare iz sum good wells thare, and two grocerys, but the water priviliges at Pordunk are used only az a beverage.

Thare iz only one Nufoundland dog now at Pordunk, and i think the town would support two.

I don't suppose i should hav work enuff tew keep one ov theze n.o.bel animals bizzy hauling drowning men out ov wells, but in the spring ov the year, after the gardens waz made, i could lend him out tew the nabors tew run in the gardens.

I don't kno ov enny thing better tew keep the angleworms, and early lettiss, and beets out ov a garden than a full-grown Nufoundland pup.

It iz nothing but phun tew giv them a kalf-skin boot, and turn them out into a nu-made garden, and see them kick up their heels, stir up the garden, and jerk the boot.

I am almoste krazy tew hav a Nufoundland dog.

THE RAT TARRIER.

Theze dear little pets ov the dog perswashun are natiffs ov the ile ov Grate Brittain.

They are born there with grate precision and purity ov karakter, hav a pedigree az klean az the queen's, and as free from spots az a nu tin dipper.

A rat tarrier who could ketch 97 rats a day, with a rust on his pedigree, ain't worth only haff az mutch in market az one with a pure set ov ansestors, who couldn't ketch only 43 rats.

It iz hard work for a kussed phool tew see this, but it takes edukashun tew see theze things.

A man without edukashun kan stand out doors in a klear night and count the moon, and he won't see enny thing but a grate chunk ov light sumthing bigger than a kartwheel.

But you let an edukated man stan out there by his side, and he kan see turnpikes, and toll gates, and torch-lite proceshuns, and wimmin's rites convenshuns, and munic.i.p.al rings, and koporashun thieving in it.

Edukashun iz bully.