The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 19

The rat tarrier iz not so mutch dog, az a personal matter, az the Nufoundland iz, but he haz more grit to the square inch.

Just so the hornet haz got more sting tew them than a shanghi pullet haz, and an angleworm haz more grit in them than an hanakonda haz. Natur bosses these jobs, and natur never underlets a kontract. There is one thing I alwus did like natur for, she don't take the trouble tew explain. She don't object tew persons asking questions, and guessing at things, but if enny boddy asks her whi a frog kan jump further at one highst than a tud kan, she tells the ph.e.l.low (if she tells him ennything) never tew bet on the tud, unless he wants tew looze his munny.

I never hav had the happiness yet to own a rat tarrier even, in fakt i hav allus been poor, and haven't been beforehanded enuff yet tew own a dog.

I mean sum time tew hav a rat tarrier, and then I suppoze, to enjoy myself, I shall have tew git sum rats. This iz the way with all the luxurys ov life, one luxury makes another one necessary. Thar iz one thing certain, if i ever do own a Nufoundland, or rat tarrier, they hav got tew be thorobred. I must kno all ov their relashuns, inkluding their mother-in-law, and if thare iz a blot on thur reputashun, as big as a fli spek, the dog wont sute me.

I must hav the pedigree all rite, if the dog aint wuth a kuss.

THE MONKEY.

The monkey iz a human being, a little undersised, kivvered with hair, hitched to a tail, and filled with the devil.

Naturalists will tell you, if you ask them, that i am mistaken, that i mean well enuff, and don't mean tew deceive ennybody, but the monkey iz not a human being, he iz simply a pun on humanity, a kind of malishus joke ov Jupiter's, a libel, with a long tail tew it, a misterious mixtur ov ludikrous mischief, and stale humor, a kind of pacing hobbyhoss, or connekting gang-plank, between man in his dignity and the beast in his darkness.

I hav a hi opinyun ov the naturalist, and all kinds ov the dictionary fraternity, and touch mi hat tew them, when we meet, and i respect them for what they know, but don't wors.h.i.+p them for what they don't know, as the heathens do, their wodden G.o.ds.

I don't kare what the philosophers say they kan prove in this matter, i tell you confidenshally, mi christian friend, that you and the monkey, are relashuns.

I don't pretend tew say that you are brothers and sisters, but i do pretend tew state, that monkeys, or enny other kind ov critters, who exercise reason, even if the light ov it, is dim az a number six dip candle, in the rays ov the noon day sun, are our relashuns, for a certain amount.

The only fence between the animal and brute folks, iz instinkt and reason, and if the natralist kant prove that the monkey don't show a single glimmering ov reason, i say he must step oph from the monkey's tail, and let him eat at the fust table.

The monkey iz imitative tew the highest degree, and imitashun iz a direkt transgreshun ov the law ov instinkt, and iz fallow ground within the domain of reazon.

Instinkt don't step one single step aside, tew smell ov a flower or pull a cat's tail.

But argument ain't mi fighting weight, i git along the best by a.s.serting things az they strike me, and i say upwards ov four thousand things every year, that i kant prove, enny more than i kan prove what melody iz.

The naturalist may hav their own way, but they kant hav mine, what little i know about things haz bin whispered tew me by the spirits, or some other romping critters, and is az distinkt and butiful, sumtimes to me, as a dream on an empty stummuk; it may be all wrong but it never iz viscious, and thus i konklude it iz edukashun.

Now i don't advise ennybody else tew depend for their learning upon sich prekarious school masters, the best way iz tew follow the ruts, it will take you to town just az it did yure daddy.

The route that i travel iz cirkuitus and blind sometimes, it haz now and then a vista, or a landscape in it, that iz worth, tew me, more than a farm ov tillable land, but you kant raize good white beans on a landskape.

Whenever i drop mi subject, and begin tew strut in the subburbs ov sentimentility and proverbial pomposity, i alwus think ov a gobble turkey, in a barn-yard, on dress parade, and that is jist what i am thinking ov now, and therefore i will dismount from the turkey, and git aboard the monkey, (the monkey az he am) once more.

Pure deviltry iz the monkeys right bower; he iz only valuable, (az personal property) tew look at, and wonder what he iz a going tew do next.

He iz a jack at all trades, put him in a barber shop, he will lather, and try tew shave himself, and color his mustash, put him in a dri good store, and he will handle more goods, than the best retail clerk in A.

T. Stewart's employ.

The monkey haz not got a logikal head, it iz tew mutch like a pin hed, all in a heap to onst, but hiz face is a concentrated dew drop of malishus mischief.

He resembles the rat tarrier in countenance, and skratches hiz hed, az natral az a distrikt skool boy, and undoubtedly for the same reason.

Monkeys never grow enny older in expreshun, a yung monkey looks just like his grandpapa, melted up and born again.

They are sometimes kept as pets, but i should rather watch two adopted orphan boys, fresh from the Home of the Friendless, than two monkeys.

They will eat everything that a man will, except bolony sarsage, here they show more instinkt, than reason.

But after all, tho the monkey shows evident sighns ov reazon, they are, az a means ov praktikal grace, the most useless kritters i hav ever pondered over and skratched mi head about.

They won't work, and they won't play, unless they kan raize sum devil, they are too mutch like a human being in looks, and actions to kill off, it is impossible tew gaze at one and git mad at him, and it iz impossible tew laff at their smirking santanity, without getting mad at yureself.

If enny boddy should make me a present ov a monkey, i don't know now, whether i should konsider it intended for malice, or a joke, but i do know, that i should send him back bi the same person that fetched him, tew the donor, marked in loud italicks--_C. O. D._

In conklusion; thare iz only one thing that i have a grate supply ov doubt about, in reference tew the monkey, and that iz his moral stamina, while in the garden ov Eden, with the rest ov the critters, previous tew the time that Adam fell;--was he strickly on the square, or was he just az full ov the devil az he is now?

An answer tew the above konumdrum iz earnestly solicited.

THE p.i.s.sMIRE.

The p.i.s.smire iz about 19 sizes bigger than the ant, aktual meazurement, and iz a kind ov bizzy loafer among bugs.

They are like sum men, alwus very bizzy about sumthing, but what it iz, the Lord only knows.

I never see a p.i.s.smire yet that wasn't on the travel, but i hav watched them all day long, and never see them git tew the place they started for.

Just before a hard shower they are in the biggest hurry, they seem tew postpone every thing for that ockashun.

Thar iz a grate difference between hurry and dispatch, but p.i.s.smires dont seem to understand the difference.

If p.i.s.smires would go slower I should like them better, for i dont know ov ennything more unpleasant to view, than an aktive loafer.

A p.i.s.smire iz like a boys wind mill, on the gable end ov a smoke house, in a gale, the faster it goze round, the less common sense thare seems tew be in it.

If p.i.s.smires haint got a destiny ov sum kind tew fill they wear out more shu leather than thare iz enny religion in.

THE POLE KAT.

My friend, did yu ever examin the fragrant pole kat clussly? I guess not, they are a kritter who won't bear examining with a microskope.

They are butiful beings, but oh! how deceptive.

Their habits are phew, but unique.