The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 20

They bild their houses out ov earth and the houses hav but one door tew them, and that iz a front door.

When they enter their houses they don't shut the door after them.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

They are called pole kats bekause it iz not convenient tew kill them with a klub, but with a pole, and the longer the pole the more convenient.

Writers on natural history, dissagree about the right length ov the pole tew be used, but i would suggest, that the pole be about 365 feet, espes.h.i.+ly if the wind iz in favor ov the pole kat.

When a pole kat iz suddenly walloped with a long pole, the fust thing he, she, or it duz, iz tew embalm the air, for menny miles in diameter, with an akrlmonious olifaktory refreshment, which permeates the ethereal fluid, with an entirely original smell.

This smell iz less popular, in the fas.h.i.+onable world, than lubins extrakt, but the day may c.u.m when it will be bottled up like musk, and sold for 87 1-2 cents per bottle; bottles small at that.

A pole kat will remove the filling from a hens egg, without braking a hole in the sh.e.l.l, bigger than a marrow fat pea.

How this iz did historians hav left us to doubt.

This iz vulgarily called "surking eggs."

This iz an accomplishment known amung humans, which it iz sed, they hav learnt from the pole kats.

Pole kats also deal in chickens, yung turkeys, and yung goslins.

They won't tutch an old goose, they are sound on that question.

Man iz the only ph.e.l.low who will attempt tew bight into an old goose, and his teeth fly oph a grate menny times before he loosens enny ov the meat.

A pole kat travels under an alias, which is called _skunk_. Thare iz a grate menny _aliases_ that thare iz no accounting for, and this iz one ov them.

I hav kaught skunks in a trap. They are eazier tew git into a trap than tew git out ov it.

In taking them out ov a trap grate judgment must be had not tew shake them up; the more yu shake them up the more ambrosial they am.

One pole kat in a towns.h.i.+p is enuff, espes.h.i.+ly if the wind changes once in a while.

A pole kat skin iz wuth 2 dollars, in market, after it iz skinned, but it iz wuth 3 dollars and fifty cents tew skin him.

This iz one way tew make 12 s.h.i.+llings in a wet day.

THE WEAZEL.

The weazel haz an eye like a hawk, and a tooth like a pickerel.

They kan see on all three sides of a right angle tri angle board fence, at once, and kan bite thru a side ov sole leather.

They alwus sleep with one eye open, and the other on the wink, and are quicker than spirits ov turpentine, and a lighted match.

It iz no disgrace for a streak ov litening tew strike at a weazel and miss him.

If I owned a weazel, litening mite strike at him all day for 50 cents a clap.

I hav tried tew kill them in a stun wall with a rifle, but they would dodge the ball, when it got within six inches ov them, and stick their heads out ov another krack, three feet further oph.

They are the hardest kritter amung the small game tew ketch or tew kill, yu kant coax one into a trap, and keep him thare, enny more than yu could ketch a ray of light, with a knot hole.

Weazles are ska.r.s.e, but the supply alwus equals the demand, they aint useful only for one thing, and that iz, too kill chickens.

They will kill 14 chickens in one night, and take off the blood with them, leaving the corpse behind.

I hunted 3 weeks for a weazle once (it iz now six years ago), and knu just whare he waz all the the time, and hain't got him yet.

I offered 10 dollars reward for him, and hold the stakes yet.

Every boy in that naborhood waz after that weazle nite and day, and I had tew withdraw the reward to keep from breaking up the distrikt skool.

The skoolmaster threatened tew su me if i didn't, and i did it, for i hate a law suit rather wuss than i do a weazle.

A weazle's skin, wore on the neck, it iz sed, will kure the quinsy sore thrut, but the ph.e.l.low who sed this had a sure thing; he knu n.o.body could ketch the weazle.

I waz told, when i waz a boy, by a cunning cuss, that the way tew ketch a crow waz tew put sum salt on hiz tail. I prakticed all one summer on this, but never got sum crow.

I hav did things az foolish az this since i hav quit being a boy, but prefer tew keep mum what they are.

Weazles hav got no wisdum, but hav got what iz sumtimes mistaken for it, they hav got cunning.

Cunning stands in the same relashun tew wisdum that a tadpole duz tew a frog, he may git tew be a frog if he keeps on growing, but he aint one now.

Wisdum knows how tew jump, but about the best thing that cunning can do iz tew wiggle.

I hav saw cunning men who thought they waz wize, but i never saw a wise man who thought he waz cunning.

ANGLE WORMS.

Are ov arth, arthy, and crawl for a living. They liv in ritch ground; ground that won't raize angle-worms won't raize ennything else, and whare angle-worms rejoice, corn iz sure to be bully. If yu want yure angleworms ov enny size, yu must manure yure sile. There aint nothing on arth more miserable tew ponder over and weep about than a half starved angle-worm. Angleworms are a sure crop on good sile, and handy tew hoe, for they plant and harvest themselfs. They don't take up mutch room in the ground, and are az kind tew childen az a piece ov red tape.

It iz sed by the naturalists that angle worm ile, rubbed on the rear ov the neck, will kure a man ov the lies. I don't beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death iz the only reliable heal for lieing that has bin diskovered yet.

When lieing gits into a man's blood, the only way tew git it out, iz tew drain him dry.

Angle worms are used az an artikle ov diet tew ketch fish with; they are handy tew put onto a hook, and handy tew take oph, az enny boddy knows, who haz straddled a saw log and fished for daice all day long Sunday in a mill pond.