The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 49

The man who iz alwus bragging ov hiz wife in publik, duz it more out of pride of himself, than love for her.

If a man haz got 80 thousand dollars at interest, and owns the house he livs in, it aint mutch trouble to be a philosopher.

The most that experience seems tew do for us, iz tew sho us, what kussid phools every boddy but _we_, hav made ov themselfs.

Whiskey, and onions combined, are good for a bad breth.

The hardest man in this world tew cheat, iz the man who iz alwus honest with himself.

I look upon mola.s.sis az one ov our greatest blessings, it haz dun so mutch tew sweeten life.

Life ain't long enuff for enny man tew kno himself.

Virtew don't konsist in the absence ov the pashuns, but in the control ov them;--a man without enny pashuns iz simply az virtewous az a graven image.

One ov the best temporary reliefs for vanity, that i kno ov, iz a sharp tutch ov the billyus kolick.

Sharpers are like hornets, intimate on a short acquaintance.

Don't forget one thing yung man, thare iz a thousand people in this world who kan hurt yu, to one that kan help yu.

Thare iz no accomplishment so eazy tew acquire az politeness, and none more profitable.

Thare would be a grate supply ov wit and humor in this world, if we would only giv others the same credit for being witty that we claim for ourselfs.

Thare are a grate menny excuses that are wuss than the offence.

Be humble, and yu are sure tew be thankful,--be thankful, and yu are sure tew be happy.

He who shows us all hiz wickedness, is not a very dangerous man.

Thare iz no better evidence ov a weak mind, than tew be alwus in a hurry.

Pride, and avarice, iz a most whimsikal mixtur.

A man whom yu kan trust with a sekret, yu kan trust with ennything.

Common sense is the favorite daughter of Reason, and altho thare are menny other wimmin more attraktive for a time, thare iz nothing but death kan rob common sense ov her buty.

Opinions should be formed with grate caushun, and changed with grater.

The only thing that a human being is positively certain ov, iz death.

Silence iz one ov the hardest arguments to refute.

PUDDIN AND MILK.

Love iz sed tew be blind, but I kno lots ov ph.e.l.lows in love who kan see twice az much in their galls az i kan.

The miser iz a riddle. What he possesses he haint got, and what he leaves behind him he never had.

Good phisick iz like a fiddle, it furnishes the tune, while natur cuts the pigeon wing and cures the patient.

Caution, tho very often wasted, iz a good risk to take.

Pity iz about the meanest wash that one man kan offer another, i had rather hav a 10 dollar greenback that had been torn in two twice and pasted together, than tew have all the pity thare iz on the upper side ov the earth--pity iz nothing more than a quiet satisfackshun that i am a great deal better oph than yu am, and that I intend to keep so.

Fortune iz like a coquette, if you dont run after her she will run after you.

Did you ever hear a very ritch man sing?

If i was a going to paint a pikter of Faith, Affection and Honesty, i would paint mi dog looking up in mi face and waggin his tail.

The devil iz a mean kuss; he never keeps hiz own promises, but alwus makes us keep ours.

Truth iz az artless az a child, and as purswasive.

There iz nothing in this life that men pay so hi a price for az they do for repentance.

Laws are made, customs grow--laws hav tew be executed, customs execute themselves--laws begin where customs end.

Men who hav a good deal tew say, use the fewest words.

Punning iz nothing more than mimickry, the best punster now living iz a monkey; he makes a pun on a louse forty times a day bi skratching hiz head.

The road tew wealth iz a highway, but the road tew knowledge iz a byeway.

Shame iz the dieing embers of virtew.

I don't know ov a better kure for sorrow than tew pity sum boddy else.

Experience iz a grindstun, and it iz lucky for us if we kan git brightened by it, not ground.

We shouldn't forgit one thing, that thare iz not a single fee simple on this futstool; even the best tooth in our hed may fall tew aking before sunset and hav tew be jerked out.

Ignorance iz the wet nuss of prejudice.

Antic.i.p.ation iz constantly nibbling expekted pleazure untill it consumes it, jiss so the skool boy, who visits his basket during the forenoon too often, has allreddy diskounted hiz dinner.

I never knu a man trubbled with melankolly, who had plenty to dew, and did it.

Good breeding, az i understand it, iz giving every man his due, without robbing yourself.

Natur iz jist az honest az a cow.