The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 50

Talk little, but listen out loud, yung man, iz the way tew make the company suspekt you--i mean suspekt yu ov knowing a grate deal more than yu aktually do.

If yu should reduce the wants ov the people ov Nu York citty tew aktual necessitys and plain comforts, yu would hav tew dubble the perlice force tew keep them from committing suicide.

People when they find fault with theirselfs, are generally more anxious tew be consoled than forgiven, and, therefore, when a man begins tew confess hiz sins tew me and sez, "_thare ain't no hope for him_," i tell him he ought tew know awl about it, and i guess iz more than half right.

What the world wants iz good examples, not so mutch advice; advice may be wrong, but examples prove themselves.

Pride iz bogus. Adam at one time had a right tew be proud but he let sin beat him out of hiz birthright.

A crowing hen and a cackling ruseter are very misfortunate poultry in a family.

Az a ginral thing the man who marrys a woman ov more uppercrust than himself will find the woman more anxious tew preserve the distance between them than tew bring him up tew her grade or go down tew hiz level.

t.i.tles are valuable; they make us acquainted with menny persons who otherwise would be lost amung the rubbish.

Peace iz the soft and holy shadder that virtew casts.

Habits are like the wrinkles on a man's brow, if yu will smoothe out the one i will smoothe out the other.

It iz a darned sight eazier tew find six men who kan tell exactly how a thing ought tew be did than tew find one who will do it.

Marrying for money iz a meaner way tew git it than counterfiting.

Dispatch iz taking time bi the ears. Hurry iz taking it bi the end ov the tail.

The miser who heaps up gains tew gloat over iz like a hog in a pen fatted for a show.

PLUM PITS.

It iz a grate art to kno how tew listen.

This seems to be about the way it iz did: When we are yung, we _run_ into difikultys, and when we git old, we _fall_ into them.

Love seems tew hav this effekt, it makes a yung man sober, and an old man gay.

Love iz a lighted kandel, and coquets fly around it, just az a miller duz, till by-and-by they dive into it, and then what a burnt coquet and miller we hav.

It ain't bekauze lovers are so sensitiff that they quarrel so often, it iz bekauze thare iz so mutch phun in making up.

I don't kno but a Prude may possibly fall in love, but if they ever do, they don't kno it.

About the last thing a man duz tew korrekt hiz faults iz tew quit them.

I should jist az soon expekt tew see a monkey fall in love as to see a dandy.

The wimmen ought tew ketch all them ph.e.l.lows who part their hair in the middle, and clap a red flannel pettycoat on them.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

The chief end ov woman, now daze, seems tew be to wear new silk clothes, and the chief end ov man seems to be to pay for them.

About all that this far famed _Philosophy_ kan teach us, iz tew suffer pain, and not own it, and it seems to hav reached the hight of its ambishun when it courts sorrow, for the sake ov being a martyr.

Pure ignoranse, after all, iz the best alloy for vanity, for a vain phool iz quite harmless. It iz better that we be grater than our condishun in life, than tew hav our condishun appear too grate for us.

There iz nothing that a man kan do that should cut him off from pitty, the fakt that he iz human should always ent.i.tle him to commiserashun.

Prudes h.o.a.rd their virtews, the same az mizers do their money, more for the sake ov recounting them, than for use.

If yu seek wisdum, mi yung friend, studdy men, and things, if yu desire larning, studdy diks.h.i.+onarys.

I think opportunitys are made full az often az they happen.

I hav often had grave doubts, which waz ov the most importance, the bustle ov men or the hurry ov p.i.s.smires.

It iz a grate deal eazier tew look upon thoze who are below us with pitty, than tew look upon thoze who are abuv us, without envy.

Good common sense iz az helthy az onions, we often see thoze who are good, simply bekauze they haint got sense enuff tew be bad, and thoze who are bad just bekause they haint got sense enuff tew be good.

The man who don't kno _himself_ iz a poor judge ov the other ph.e.l.low.

Envy iz sutch a constant companyun, that if we find no one abuv us to envy, we will envy thoze below us.

Whoever iz a sedate old man at 20, will be apt tew be a frivilous yung one at 60.

Thare iz no servitude in life so oppressive az tew be obliged tew flatter thoze whom we don't respekt enuff to praze.

Wit, without sense, iz like a razor without a handle.

We mingle in sosiety, not so mutch tew meet others az to eskape ourselfs.

The truly innosent are thoze who not only are guiltless themselfes, but who think others are.

To meet death without betraying enny emoshun iz tew be simply az courageous az a beast.

Persekuted for rhighteousness sake, iz quite common in this world--persekuted for the devil's sake iz not so common.

Don't be afrade, yung man, tew make a blunder once in a while most all the blunders are made by the sincere and honest.

I must respekt thoze, I suppose, who never make enny blunders, but I don't luv them.

I like them kind of folks, who, if they do once in a while weigh out a pound with only 13 ounces in it, are just az apt tew make the next pound weigh 19 ounces.

I luv mi phailings. It iz theze that make me pheel that i have that tutch ov natur in me that makes me brother tew every man living.