The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 52

KOa.r.s.e SHOT.

Whenever yu see a doktor who alwus travels on the jump, yu kan bet he is looking for a job.

[Ill.u.s.tration: KOa.r.s.e SHOT.]

The bulk ov mankind are mere imitators of very poor originals. It iz a grate deal eazier tew be a philosopher after a man haz had a warm meal than it iz when he don't kno whare he iz a going tew git one.

Most men lament their condishun in life, but thare are but phew, after all, who are superior to it.

To never dispair may be G.o.d like, but it ain't human. Affektashun looks well in a monkey.

Trieing tew define love iz like trieing tew tell how yu k.u.m tew brake thru the ice, all yu kno about it iz, yu fell in, and got _ducked_.

The prinsipal importanse ov a mistery iz the mistery itself.

What makes a ghost so respektable a karakter iz, that n.o.boddy ever saw one.

The pedigree that we receive from our ansestors iz like the money we receive from them, we are not expekted tew liv on the principle, but on the acc.u.mulashun, and transmit the principle unimpaired.

A weak man wants az mutch watching az a bad one.

It iz hard work tew define human happiness, the real possessor ov it iz the very one who kant define it.

Wealth iz no guard aginst villany, thare iz az mutch iniquity amung the ritch az amung the poor, ackording tew their numbers.

A wize man never enjoys himself so mutch, nor a phool so little, az when alone.

Avarice iz az hungry az the grave.

Thare iz a grate deal ov virtew in this world that iz like jewellry, more for ornament than use.

I am satisfied that courage in men iz more often the effekt ov konst.i.tushun than ov principle.

About the best thing that experience kan teach us iz tew bear misfortins, and sorrow, with kompozure.

Mans necessitys are phew, but hiz wants are endless.

Thare are menny people who not only beleave that this world revolves on its axis, but they beleave that they are the axis.

Self-made men are most alwus apt tew be a leetle too proud ov the job.

I think thare iz az menny old phools in the world, az thare iz yung ones, and thare iz this difference between them, the yung ones may outgrow their pholly, but the old ones never do.

The ambishun of 9 men out of 10, if it should receive no check, would end in their destrukshun.

A genuine aphorism, iz truth done up in a small package.

A vishus old man iz a terrible sight dispised on earth and hated in heaven.

The avarishus man iz like the grave, he takes all that he kan lay hiz hands on, and gives nothing back.

Bashfulness iz either the effek ov ignorance or modesty--if it iz ignorance, edukashun changes it into impertinence--if it iz modesty, it will kling tew a man a long az he haz got one single virtew left.

Marrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man who sees yure wife, has got just about az mutch stock in her az yu hav.

_Hope_ iz the germ, _Faith_ the blossom, and _Charity_ the fruit.

Thare iz this difference between a weak friend and a bitter enemy--the one puts us oph our guard, and the other puts us on.

Whenever yu kan find a man to whom yu kan tell all yure sekrets, and still retain hiz respekt, yu have found a friend indeed.

When a man abuzes me i will pay no more attenshon tew him than i will to a country cur who barks at me; this will make both the dog and the man ashamed ov themselfs.

Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable.

Thare ain't mutch phun in phisick, but thare iz a good deal ov phisick in phun.

Men will forgit injurys eazier than kontempt; they had rather be hated than not noticed.

I hav bin watching human intercourse a little lately, and i find it is largely made up ov _grunts_, _groans_ and _growls_, varied with _huffs_, _hoots_, and howls.

I like a good hater, but i want him able tew giv good reazons for it.

About the emptyest thing i kno ov iz a pocket-book, with nothing in it--it iz rather wuss than a knot-hole.

The man who pitys everyboddy, wants watching, for the chances are that he iz gitting phatt slily on other peoples misfortunes.

It seems tew me that good breeding iz the art ov making everyboddy satisfied with themselfs, and pleased with you.

The man whom forgivness wont humble iz a brute.

SLIPS OF THE PEN.

The wizest thing about a man iz hiz conscience--edukashun don't improve it.

If yu want tew find out the ruling pashun ov a hoss, feed him high on oats--it iz jiss so with mankind.

Az a gineral rule, the best way iz tew decide yureself what bizness in life it iz best for yure yung one tew foller, and then stick him at it while he iz limber--men alwus pole vines before they begin tew run mutch.

The only way for me to git out ov a tight spot iz tew git into it fust.

Sum folks kan tell exackly how a thing feels by not tuching it, but I kant.

The more babes in a family, the eazier and better they are raized--one chicken alwus makes an old hen more clucking and scratching than a duzen duz.