The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 53

It takes an uncommon smart man, now-daze, tew make money by telling the truth--it iz aktually an evidense ov genius.

It iz a very small spot in the lightning bug's tail that s.h.i.+nes; it iz the darkness ov the nite that makes it so brilliant--it iz jist so with virtew.

Nussing revenge iz like missing a yung hedgehog--the older he grows, the sharper hiz quills.

The good man iz like an old-fas.h.i.+oned Nu England clock--hiz soul iz the pendulem whose regular moshuns giv life and grace tew hiz hands and face, thus showing the good works that are inside ov him.

Most ov the epitaffs on the tombstuns read like gideboards tew the grate citty, and without them a great menny would take the wrong road.

Most people travel to see and be seen; but few to compare.

Fools are telling us (confidensally) "_that time is short_," but the diffikulty lies not in the shortness ov time so mutch az it duz in the length ov the fools.

Children are kut down like the yung wheat, to ripen; old people are gathered like the golden grain, to be ground and bolted.

The only way tew truli enjoy ennything iz tew be willing tew quit it when the bell rings.

Time iz like a fair wind--if we don't set our sails, we looze that breeze forever.

We are often ridikuled for telling old truths. The 10 commandments are old enuff tew be wore out with truth; but who follers them?

Take man, from Adam down to April fool 1868, and i would respekfully ask, if he ain't a ded beat? Iz thare a single pashun ov hiz natur, up to date, that yu kan take the halter ov civil law off from, and turn it out to gra.s.s?

Waking up in the morning, to a virtuous man, iz the same thing az being born agin.

"Necessity iz the mother ov invenshun," and _Pattent Wright_ iz the father.

It dun me good to hear a poor brute whinner in Broadway yesterday. I waz glad that thare waz one stage hoss in New York citty whoze heart wasn't dead broke.

Death iz the only thing in this life that iz certain; and even that ain't always a safe investment.

Rumor iz a vagrant without a home, and lives upon what it kan pick up.

The gratest viktory for mankind that hav ever bin won, hav bin won by the rod and the katechism.

The lion and the lamb may, possibly, sumtime lay down in this world together for a fu minnits, but when the lion k.u.ms tew git up, the lamb will be missing.

Chast.i.ty iz like gla.s.sware--too much frost in it makes it more brittle.

Virtew, backed up by courage, iz the perfekshun ov human natur. I don't reckon mercy nor pity always amung the virtews; they are often only amable weaknesses. Justis iz the square root ov awl the virtews. I wouldn't hav enny mercy nor pitty hove out for rubbish; neither would i hav a man think, bekauze he melts at the anguish ov the viscious, that it iz virtew that ails him.

Bachelors are alwus a braggin ov their freedom!!--freedom to darn their own stockings, and poultiss their own s.h.i.+ns! I had rather be a widdower once in 2 years, reglar, than tew be a grunting, old, hair-dyed bachelor only for 90 days.

The lazyest man that i kan think ov now, waz Israel Dunbar, ov Billingsville. He dried up a new milch cow in milkin her 3 times, and planted an aker of beans, last spring, awl in one hill. He iz 45 years old, and hain't had the meazles yet; he haz alwus bin too lazy tew ketch them. He had one son, who was jist like him. This boy died when he waz 18 years old, in crossing a korn-field; the punkin-vines took after him and smothered him to death.

GLa.s.s DIMONDS.

If we could see the sekret motives that prompt even the good ackshuns ov men, we should see more tew reprove than admire.

The best specimens ov calm resignashun tew their fate that I hav met with thus far, hav been amung thoze who had an ink.u.m ov 40 thousand dollars a year, less government tax.

Diogenes and Seneca were two az grate philosophers az the world haz ever produced; one lived in a tub, and the other in a palace.

Most ov the happiness in this world konsists in possessing what others kant git.

Take all the phools and the good luk out of this world, and it would bother menny ov us tew git a living.

Thare iz a grate menny ghosts travelling around loose, but no one ever saw one yet.

Honesty iz like money, yu hav got tew work hard tew git it, and then work harder to keep it.

I alwus git my boots made bi the shumaker that other shumakers praze.

Philosophy iz born in the head, and dies in the heart.

I hav noticed one thing, that just about in proporshun that the pashuns are weak, men are seemingly virtewous.

Here iz just what's the matter--if yu shut yureself up folks will run after yu, and if yu run after folks they will shut themselfs up.

[Ill.u.s.tration: GLa.s.s DIMONDS.]

Thare iz az mutch difference between wit and humor, az thare iz between the ile and the essence of peppermint.

It iz a safe kalkulashun that the more praze a man iz willing to take, the less he deserves.

Thare iz but phew people in this world underrated.

Honesty iz the only aristokrasy that i acknoweledge; an honest man iz alwus a well-bred man and a gentleman.

Politeness iz not only the most powerful, but the cheapest argument I kno ov. The more wrinkles i kan see in a man's face the better i like it, provided a smile lays in each one ov the gutters.

The philosophers tell us that "natur abhors a vac.u.m." This ackounts for the sawdust in sum mens heds.

Thare iz now and then a person to whom sosiety owes menny obligashuns, but most people owe all thare iz ov them tew sosiety.

If yu pull the sting out ov a hornet hiz moral power iz gone in a minnit.

We are all ov us willing tew divide our sorrows amung our nabors, but our plezzures we are more stingy with.

Sages and phools are the only two kinds ov people that the world kan afford tew hav liv in solitude.

If a man waz kompletely virtewous, i doubt whether he would be happy here, he would be so lonesum.

It dont require mutch tallent tew giv good advice, but tew follow it duz.