The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 54

Altho the mule iz looked upon az a stupid kritter, he makes sum most brilliant hits.

Every man haz a weak side, and sum hav two or three.

He who demands respekt almost allways deserves it.

Ridikule that ain't true haz no partikular power.

I wouldn't giv 250 dollars cash, or good d.i.c.ker, for all the fame thare iz in the world at this partikular junktur.

Mi opinyun ov mankind, az a brilliant suckcess, needs a good deal ov nussing.

No church kan expekt tew be very suckcessful now days, unless it haz got a good orkestra in it.

Hope iz a thoughtless jade--she often cheats us, but she haz no malace.

When i waz yung i thought all money spent waz well invested, but az i get older i cypher different.

G.o.d makes opportunitys, but man must hunt for them.

Invenshun and judgement are seldom found together.

Ambishun tew s.h.i.+ne in everything iz a sure way tew put a man's kandell all out.

Man's make up iz ov natur and custom, and i don't kno which ov the two iz the most powerfullest.

A grate brag iz either a phool or a coward, and probably he iz both.

Az long az we are lucky we attribit it tew our smartness; our bad luck we giv the G.o.ds credit for.

Thare iz one person in this world that every boddy kan tell yu all about, and that iz the next door nabor.

Thare are people who love too well to ever be jealous.

I kno lots ov people who always think at least 3 times before they speak once, and then never say enny thing worth listening to.

It takes a certain amount ov back ground in a man's karakter tew sho hiz virtews to good advantage.

It iz better tew overshute the mark than tew fall short; this shows that the fault ain't in the amunishun.

Thare iz plenty ov individuals who, if they kan go up like a baloon, are willing tew c.u.m down like a chunk.

JEWS HARPS.

A gentleman iz a gentleman the world over,--loafers differ.

BENEVOLENCE iz the cream that rizes on the milk ov human kindness.

COURAGE without discretion, iz a ram with horns on both ends, he will hav more fites on hand than he kan well attend to.

HUNTING after happiness, iz like hunting after a lost sheep in the wilderness, when yu find it, the chances are, that it iz a skeleton.

A DOG iz the only animal kritter, who luvs yu more than he luvs himself.

THARE iz no more real satisfackshun, in laying up in yure buzzum an injury than thare iz in stuffing a dead hornet, who haz stung you, and keeping him tew look at.

OLD friends, are like old cheeze, the strongest.

LIES are like illegitimate children, they are liable tew call a man "Father," when he least expekts it.

ALL money that iz well spent, iz a good investment.

IF we would all ov us take kare ov our own souls, and let our nabors alone, thare would be less time lost, and more souls saved.

BEFORE i would preach the gospel az some ministers are obliged to, for 450 dollars a year, i would git a living az Nebudkenezzer did, and let the congregashun go tew gra.s.s to.

CONTENTMENT is the vittles, and drink ov the soul.

DID yu ever hear a son bragging about hiz father, whoze father could with justiss, brag about hiz son?

THE safest kind ov faith i kno ov, iz humility.

THE man who never makes enny mistakes, like the angle worm, never gits far away from hiz hole.

A BRILLIANT blunder in a writer, iz often one ov hiz best hits.

TYRANNY iz often changed, but never destroyed.

SUCKING a whipt sillybub, thru a rhy straw, iz a good deal like trieing tew liv on buty.

I NEVER knu a profound phool yet, who did not affekt gravity, nor a truly wize man, whoze face was not alwus c.o.c.ked and primed, for a laugh.

PRUDERY iz nothing more than coquetry, gone to seed.

NEW YORK citty is a fa.s.st place, yu kant even pa.s.s a phuneral procession, unless yu have got the fa.s.sest hoss.

TRUTH, haz hardly clothing enuff, tew hide its nakedness.

A POMPOUS man, iz like a full blown bladder, it iz pure malice tew p.r.i.c.k him.

THE money, and morality ov this world, are a good deal alike, the principle never loses sight ov the interest.

PITTY costs nothing,--and aint worth nothing.

WHAT men kant do, they are apt to admire,--they dont criticise a mountain, bekauze they kant make one.