The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 55

POVERTY is one ov them kind ov misfortunes, that we all ov us dread, but none ov us pitty.

THARE iz lots ov people in this world who covet misfortunes, jist for the luxury ov grunting.

IT iz comparitively eazy tew repent ov the sins that we hav committed, but tew repent ov thoze which we intend to commit, is asking tew mutch ov enny man, now days.

I THANK G.o.d for one thing, and that iz, when every buddy else iz happy, i am sure to be.

MOST men go thru life, az rivers go tew the sea, bi following the lay ov the ground.

IN youth we run into difficultys, in old age, diffikultys runs into us.

"TIMES ain't az they used tew be"--this haz bin the sollum, and wize remark ov mankind, ever since Adam waz a boy.

SECRETS are cussid poor property at best, if yu cirkulate them, yu loze them, and if yu keep them, yu loze the interest on the investment.

PERSECUTED for the Devil's sake, iz what sinners git for their allegiance.

SUM people won't beleave enny thing they kant prove; the things i can't prove, are the very things i beleave the most.

PRIDE never shows itself more disgustingly than in the pomp ov a phuneral.

HAPPINESS iz not idleness, but its spirit iz az free from labor, as the life ov a yearling heifer.

GOOD examples amung the rulers, are the best laws they kan enakt.

THE devil iz probably the best judge ov human natur that ever lived, and he must hav beleaved in the doktrine ov total depravity, or he wouldn't hav undertook tew tempt the Saviour.

A "GENTLEMAN about town," iz one who pays cash for everything except hiz debts.

MONEY iz like charity, it kivvers a mult.i.tude ov sins.

A PEDANT iz one who fills himself in a cellar with the klam broth ov literature, and then picks hiz teeth in the society ov the learned.

THARE iz but little, if any, cerimony, between two wize men, but between a wize man and a phool, cerimony iz the only thing that will make a phool feel respektable.

WHEN yu find a man who iz very solisitus about the wellfair ov everyboddy, yu kan safely put him down az one who iz hunting for a misfortune.

TADPOLES.

One ov the hardest men in the world tew collekt a debt ov iz the one who iz alwus willing tew pay, but never reddy.

Trew liberty konsists in making good laws, and then obeying them.

I suppoze we never shall kno in this life how big a phool a man kan be, bekauze he iz not allowed tew hav all his wants and vanities gratified.

When i diskover that all hatred, avarice, ambishun, vanity, and envy, have left this world, then i am going tew hunt for a Christian.

[Ill.u.s.tration: TADPOLES.]

Yung man, larn tew listen!--i don't mean at a key-hole. Thare iz plenty ov happiness in this life if we only knu it: and one way tew find it iz, when we hav got the old rumatiz tew thank Heaven that it aint the old gout.

Men are blamed for sticking their noze into things; but it iz the only way a dog tracks out hiz game.

The man who kan live in idleness successfully, must either be too pure or too lazy to commit enny sin. Poetri iz a disseaze common tew all the literati: sum hav it quite hard, but most hav it dredful lite.

Inkredulity iz the wisdum ov a phool; it iz only a wize man who kan afford tew be credulous.

Prejudice iz a hous plant which is very apt tew wither if yu take it out doors amungst pholks.

The devil holds poor kards, but he plays them mighty well.

What iz the next wust thing tew lieing? Gitting ketched at it.

I am so phully aware ov the uncertainty ov the law, that if a man whom i had never seen nor heard ov should su me for a _debt_ ov one hundred dollars, and i couldn't kompound with him for fifty, i would pay the whole rather than defend the suit.

I hav noticed this diffrence between people--thare is _some_ who are not az big phools as they look.

Most authors in writing neglekt their punktuashuns, espeshliy the _full stop_.

I hav seen pholks so melankolly and so gloomy that they wouldn't admit thare waz a brite side tew ennything in this world, not even tew a nu haff dollar.

If wit forms the blade, good sense should be the handle and benevolence the skabbard ov the sword.

Experience iz knowledge, and it will stik bi a ph.e.l.low like the money he gits by hard knoxs.

I never hav seen a bigot yet but what had a small and apparently braneless hed--but i hain't seen all the bigots, yu know.

Silence iz like darkness, a good place tew hide.

Thare iz no revenge so komplete az forgivness.

He that desires tew be ritch only to be charitable, iz not only a wize man, but a good one.

Grate welth, in our journey thru life, iz only extra baggage, and wants a heap ov watching.

The malice ov the world ain't haff so dangerous az its flatterys.

If i feel that i am right, all the kurs in the country may snap at mi heels.

Trieing tew satisfy our desires with wealth iz like trieing tew stop up a rat hole with sand--the rats will soon dig out sum whare else.

A piece ov satire, tew be beneficial, should be so rendered that every man who reads, or hears it, shall say to himself, "That iz just, bekauze it hits every boddy but me."

Skandle iz az ketching az the small pox, and perhaps thare iz but one real preventative, and that iz--tew be vacksinated with deaf and dumbness.