The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 94

"Yu must ask sumboddy older than i am."

{MISSELLANEOUS.}

GOOD REZOLUSHUNS FOR 1872, 1873 & 1874.

That i wont smoke enny more cigars, only at sum body else's expense.

That i wont borry nor lend--espes.h.i.+ly lend.

That i will liv within mi ink.u.m, if i hav tew git trusted tew do it.

That i will be polite tew evry boddy, except muskeeters and bed-bugs.

That i wont advise enny boddy, until i kno the kind ov advise they are anxious tew follow.

That i wont wear enny more t.i.te boots, if i hav tew go barefoot tew do it.

That i wont eat enny more chicken soup with a one-tined fork.

That i wont swop dogs with no man, unless i kan swop two for one.

That i wont objekt tew enny man on ackount ov hiz color, unless he happens tew be blue.

That i wont sware enny, unless i am put under oath.

That i wont beleave in total depravity, only in gin at 4 s.h.i.+llings a gallon.

That poverty may be a blessing, but if it iz, it iz a blessing in disguise.

That i will take mi whisky hereafter straight--straight tew the gutter.

That the world owes me a living--provided i earn it.

That i will stick tew mi taylor az long az he will stick tew me.

That i wont swop enny hosses with a deakon.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

That no man shall beat me in politeness, not so long az politeness kontinues tew be az cheap az it iz now.

That i wont hav enny religious kreed miself, but will respekt every boddy else's.

That if lovely woman smaks me on one cheek, i will turn her the other also.

That if a man kalls me a phool, i wont ask him to prove it.

That i will lead a moral life, even if i lose a good deal ov phun by it.

That if a man tells me a mule wont kik, i will beleave what he sez without trieing it.

That if enny boddy loozes even a goose i will weep with him, for it iz a tuff bizness tew looze a goose.

That if i ever do git a hen that kan lay 2 eggs a day, i shall insist upon her keeping one ov the eggs on hand for a sinking phund.

That it iz no disgrace tew be bit bi a dog unless he duz it the seckond time.

That it iz just az natral tew be born ritch az poor, but it iz seldum so convenient.

That one ov the riskyest things tew straddle iz the bak ov a 60 day note.

That the best time tew repent ov a blunder iz just before the blunder is made.

That i will try hard tew be honest, but it will be just mi darn luk tew miss it.

That i won't grow enny kats. Spontaneous kats hav killed the bissness.

That i will love my mother-in-law if it takes all the money i kan earn tew do it.

That i beleave real good lies are gitting ska.r.s.er and ska.r.s.er every day.

That i will respekt publik opinyun just az long az i kan respekt myself in doing it.

That when i hear a man bragging on hiz ansestors i won't envy him, but i will pity the ansestors.

That i wont beleave in enny ghost or ghostesses unless they weigh about 140 pounds and can eat a good square meal.

That i won't bet on nothing, for things that require betting on, lak sumthing.

That i will brag on mi wife all the time, but i will do it silently.

That i won't be suprised at ennything, not even tew be told that Ben Franklin waz a spendthrift, or that Lazarus died ritch.

That i will dispize most things that i see, not out ov malice, but out ov wisdum.

That i won't hanker for happiness, but if i see enny that i think iz a bargin i will shut up one eye and go for it.

That i won't wish i waz az pure as King David, but that i was purer than i am.

That i won't kovet enny man's wife, nor hiz oxen, nor hiz kornstalks, nor the color ov hiz mustash.

That i will laff every good chance i kan git, whether it makes me gro phatt or not.