The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 95

Finally, i will sarch for things that are little, for things that are lonesum, avoiding all torch lite proseshuns, bands ov bra.s.s music, Wimmins' rights convenshuns and gra.s.s widders generally.

MY FUST GONG.

I never kan eradicate holy from mi memry the sound ov the first gong I ever herd--i was setting on the frunt stupe ov a tavern in the sitty ov Bufferlo, pensively a smokin.

The sun was a goin tu bed, and the heavens fur and nere was blus.h.i.+ng at the purformanse.

The Eri ka.n.a.ll with its goldin waters was on its windin wa tu albany, and i was perusin the line botes, a flotin by, and thinkin ov Italy, (whare i used tu live,) and her gondolers, and gallus wimmin.

Mi entire sole was, as it ware in a swet, i wanted tu climb, i felt grate, i aktually grew.

Thar ar things in this life tu big tu be trifled with, thar ar times when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees speerits, when he kan almost tuch the moon, and feels as tho he kud fill both hands with the stars ov heavin and almost sware he was a bank president.

Thats what ailed me.

But the korse ov tru luv never did run smoove, (this iz Shakesperes opinion too, i and he often think thru one quill) just az i was doing my best, ... dummer, dummer, spat, bang, beller, crash, roar, ram, dummer, dummer, whang, rip, rare rally, dummer dummer, dummer dum, ... with one tremenjis jump, i struck the senter ov the side walk, with anuther i kleared the gutter and with anuther, i stud in the middle ov the strets snorting like a injin poney, at a band ov musik; i gazed in wilde dispare at the tavern stand, mi harte swelled up as big as an out door oven, mi teeth were as luce as a string ov prairy beads.

I thout all the crokery in the tavern stand had fell down, i thout ov fenomenoms, i thought ov gabrel and his horn.

I was just on the pint ov thinking ov sumthing else when the landlord c.u.m out to the frunt stupe ov the tavern stand holding by a string the bottom ov an old bra.s.s kittle.

He called me gentla with his hand i went slola and sadla tu him, he calmed mi feres, he ced it was a gong; i saw the cussed thing, he ced supper was reddy, he axed me if i would hav black or green tea and i ced i would.

KORN.

Korn iz a serial, i am glad ov it.

It got its name from Series, a primitiff woman, and in her day, the G.o.ddess ov oats, and sich like.

Korn iz sumtimes called _maize_, and it grows in sum parts of the western country, very amaizenly.

I hav seen it out thare 18 foot hi (i don't mean the aktual korn itself, but the tree on which it grows.)

Korn haz ears, but never haz but one ear, which iz az deff az an adder.

Injun meal iz made out ov korn, and korn dodgers iz made out ov injun meal, and korn dodgers are the tuffest chunks, ov the bread purswashun, known tew man.

Korn dodgers are made out ov water, with injun meal mixt into it, and then baked on a hard board, in the presence ov a hot fire.

When yu kant drive a 10 penny nail into them, with a sledge hammer, they are sed, bi good judges, to be well done, and are reddy tew be chawed upon.

They will keep 5 years, in a damp place, and not gro tender, and a dog hit with one of them will yell for a week, and then crawl under the barn, and mutter for two days more.

I hav knawed two hours miself on one side of a korn dodger without produsing enny result, and i think i could starve to death twice before i could seduce a korn dodger.

They git the name _dodger_ from the immegiate necessity ov dodgeing, if one iz hove horizontally at yu in anger.

It iz far better tew be smote bi a 3 year old steer, than a korn dodger, that iz only three hours old.

Korn was fust diskovered bi the injuns, but whare they found it I don't kno, and i don't know as i care.

Whiskee, (n.o.ble whiskee,) is made out ov korn, and whiskee is one ov the greatest blessings known tew man.

We never should hav bin able tew fill our state prizons with energetick men, and our poor-houses with good eaters, if it want for n.o.ble whiskee.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

We never should have had enny temperance sons ov sosiety, nor demokratik pollyticians, nor prize fites, nor good murders, nor phatt aldermen, nor whiskee rings, nor nothing, if it want for blessed whiskee.

If it want for korn, how could ennyboddy git korned?

And if it want for gitting korned, what would life be worth?

We should all sink down to the level ov the brutes if it want for gitting korned.

The brutes don't git korned, they haint got enny reason nor soul.

We often hear ov "_drunken brutes_," this is a kompliment to oxen which dont belong tew them.

Korn also haz kurnels, and kurnels are often korned, so are brigadeer-ginerals.

Johnny kake is made out ov korn, so iz hasty puddin.

Hasty puddin and milk is quick tew eat.

All you hav got to do iz to gap, and swallo, and that iz the last ov the puddin.

Korn waz familiar tew antiquity. Joseph waz sent down into Egipt after sum korn, but his brothers didn't want him to go, so they took pitty on him and pitted him in a pit.

When his brothers got back hum, and were asked whare Joe waz, they didn't acknowledge the korn, but lied sum.

It has been proved, that it iz wicked to lie about korn, or enny ov the other vegetables.

Thare iz this difference between lieing, and sawing wood, it iz easier to lie, espes.h.i.+ly in the shade.

Korn has got one thing that n.o.boddy else has got, and that iz a kob.

This kob runs thru the middle ov the korn, and iz as phull ov korn as Job waz ov biles.

I alwus feel sorry when i think ov Job, and wonder how he managed tew set down in a chair.