The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 96

Knowing how tew set down, square on a bile, without hurting the chair, iz one ov the lost arts.

Job waz a card, he had more pashunce, and biles, tew the square inch, than iz usual.

One hundred and twenty-five akers ov korn tew the bushel iz konsidered a good krop, but i have seen more.

I hav seen korn sold for 10 cents a bushel, and in sum parts of the western country, it iz so much, that thare aint no good law aginst stealing it.

In konklushun, if yu want tew git a sure crop ov korn, and a good price for the krop, feed about 4 quarts ov it to a shanghi rooster, then murder the rooster immejiately, and sell him for 17 cents a pound, krop and all.

ADVERTIZEMENT.

I kan sell for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars, a pallas, a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks ov the Hudson, kontaining 85 acres. The land is luxuriously divided by the hand of natur and art, into pastor and tillage, into plain and deklivity, into stern abruptness, and the dallianse ov moss-tufted medder; streams ov sparkling gladness, (thick with trout,) danse through this wilderness ov buty, tew the low musik ov the kricket and gra.s.shopper. The evergreen sighs az the evening zephir flits through its shadowy buzzum, and the aspen trembles like the luv-smitten harte ov a damsell. Fruits ov the tropicks, in golden buty, melt on the bows, and the bees go heavy and sweet from the fields to their garnering hives. The manshun iz ov Parian marble, the porch iz a single diamond, set with rubiz and the mother ov pearl; the floors are ov rosewood, and the ceilings are more butiful than the starry vault of heavin. Hot and cold water bubbles and squirts in evry apartment, and nothing is wanting that a poet could pra for, or art could portray. The stables are worthy of the steeds ov Nimrod or the studs ov Akilles, and its henery waz bilt expressly for the birds of paradice; while somber in the distance, like the cave ov a hermit, glimpses are caught ov the dorg-house. Here poets hav c.u.m and warbled their laze--here skulptors hav cut, here painters hav robbed the scene ov dreamy landskapes, and here the philosopher diskovered the stun, which made him the alkimist ov natur. Nex northward ov this thing ov buty, sleeps the residense and domain ov the Duke John Smith; while southward, and nearer the spice-breathing tropicks, may be seen the barronial villy ov Earl Brown, and the d.u.c.h.ess, Widder Betsy Stevens.

Walls ov primitiff rock, laid in Roman cement, bound the estate, while upward and downward, the eye catches far away, the magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As the young morn hangs like a cutting ov silver from the blu brest ov the ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing with golden tiptoes on the green. (N. B. This angel goes with the place.)

ADVICE TEW LECTUR KOMMITTYS.

1. don't hire enny man tew lektur for yu (never mind how moral he iz) unless yu kan make munny on him.

2. Selekt 10 ov yure best looking and most talking members tew meet the lekturer at the depot.

3. Don't fail tew tell the lekturer at least 14 times on yure way from the depot tew the hotel that yu hav got the smartest town in kreashun, and sevral men in it that are wuth over a millyun.

4. When yu reach the hotel introduce the lekturer immejiately to at least 25 ov yure fust kla.s.s citizens, if yu hav tew send out for them.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

5. When the lekturer's room iz reddy go with him in ma.s.se to hiz room and remind him 4 or 5 more times that yu had over 3 thousand people in yure city at the last censuss, and are a talking about having an opera house.

6. Don't leave the lekturer alone in his room over 15 minnits at once; he might take a drink out ov his flask on the sli if yu did.

7. When yu introjuce the lekturer tew the aujience don't fail tew make a speech ten or twelve feet long, occupying a haff an hour, and if yu kan ring in sumthing about the growth ov yure butiful sitty, so mutch the better.

8. Always seat 9 or 10 ov the kommitty on the stage, and then if it iz a kommik lektur, and the kommitty don't laff a good deal, the aujence will konklude that the lektur iz a failure; and if they do laff a good deal, the aujence will konklude they are stool-pigeons.

9. Jist az soon az the lectur iz thru bring 75 or 80 ov the richest ov yure populashun up onto the stage and let them squeeze the hand and exchange talk with the lekturer.

10. Go with the lekturer from the hall tew hiz room in a bunch, and remind him once or twice more on the way that yure sitty iz a growing very rapidly, and ask him if he don't think so.

11. If the lekturer should inquire how the comik lekturers had succeeded who had preceded him, don't forget tew tell him that they were all failures. This will enable him tew guess what they will say about him just az soon az he gits out ov town.

12. If the lekturer's fee should be a hundred dollars or more, don't hesitate tew pay him next morning, about 5 minnits before the train leaves, in old, lop-eared one-dollar bills, with a liberal sandwitching ov tobbakko-stained s.h.i.+nplasters.

13. I forgot tew say that the fust thing yu should tell a lekturer, after yu had sufficiently informed him ov the immense growth ov yure citty, iz that yure people are not edukated up tew lekturs yet, but are grate on n.i.g.g.e.r-minstrels.

14. If it iz konvenient, i would alwus hav a boy or two selling peanuts amung the aujience, during the lekture, at 5 cents a kupfull.

15. Never fail tew ask the lekturer whare he finds the most appres.h.i.+ated aujiences, and he won't fail tew tell yu (if he iz an honest man) that thare ain't no state in the Union that begins tew kompare with yures.

16. Let 15 or 20 ov yure kommitty go with the lekturer, next morning, tew the kars, and az each one shakes hands with him with a kind ov deth grip, don't forget tew state that yure citty iz growing very mutch in people.

17. If the night iz wet, and the ink.u.m ov the house won't pay expenses, don't hesitate tew make it pay by taking a chunk out ov the lekturer's fee. The lekturers all like this, but they are too modest, as a kla.s.s, tew say so.

18. I know ov several other good rules tew follow, but the abuv will do tew begin with.

SUPPLEMENTARY.

Everyboddy now-daze wants tew be a genius, but what the world wants the most iz men ov tallent. It don't require enny genius tew shut a door after yu, when yu go thru it.

Rum iz a bill ov exchange on sum stait prizon or alms-hous. I think i am right when i say that all things which do not corrupt are innosent.

It iz not a bad kompliment tew poor human natur that vice, tew be very seduktive, must be made attraktive. Thare are but phew who prefer their iniquity on the haff sh.e.l.l.

It iz the surprizes ov life after all that giv it its zest--even a rat bek.u.ms interesting bi the natral suddenty with whitch he c.u.ms out or goes into his hoel.

I don't bet on prekoshus children, they are like peas in Febuary, either forced, or out ov their lat.i.tude.

Wit, without wisdum, iz like a song without sense, it don't pleaze long.

Yu kan't find _contentment_ laid down on the map: it iz an imaginary place not settled yet; and thoze reach it the soonest who throw away their compa.s.s and go it blind.

The gratest problem ever given tew man tew solve, and the one whitch he haz made the least progress in, iz, "_know thyself_."

LETTER TO FARMERS.

_Beloved Farmers_:

Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce; she iz also the step-mother ov gardin sa.s.s.

Rize at haff past 2 o'clock in the morning, bild up a big fire in the kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease yure boots.

Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz brake, then commense tew stir up the geese and worry the hogs.

Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remember yu kant git ritch on a farm, unless yu rize at 2 o'clock in the morning, and stir up the hogs and worry the geese.

The happyest man in the world iz the farmer; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, and when she duz brake, he goes out and stirs up the geese and worrys the hogs.

What iz a lawyer?--What iz a merchant?--What iz a doktor?--What iz a minister?--I answer, nothing!