The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 97

A farmer iz the n.o.bless work ov G.o.d; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, and burns out a haff a pound ov wood and two kords ov kandels, and then goes out tew worry the geese and stir up the hogs.

Beloved farmers, adew.

A TEMPRANSE KLUB.

Feeling the grate need miself, ov a klub ov sum kind, i hav organized a _tempranse_ klub, and am anxious tew take into the buzzom ov the klub, enny party, who haz fair moral papers, and who iz not over 5 feet and 9 inches in hite.

Sum few ov the leading artikles ov faith, bi wich the klub iz tew be navigated, will be found, on examinashun, to be az follows:

Single admishuns tew the klub 50 cents, or three admishuns for one dollar.

Fast yung men admitted at 5 per cent diskount from our regular rates.

The coat ov arms ov this klub iz a gla.s.s ov cold water, with a pickle in it.

The pa.s.sword iz--_a sweet breath_.

The princ.i.p.al objekt ov this klub iz to kultivate soshul sentiments without the aid ov whisky.

We sollumly beleave that whisky iz only good for the injuns.

Thoze who are in the habit ov paying a dollar for a drink, not admitted, such folks are too respektabel.

No female admitted unless she wants to git her husband to change a bill, and see what iz going on.

We are opposed to all prohibitory laws, except for hoss stealing, and the like.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

We beleave man iz a free moral kritter, but full ov cussidness, and if he iz determined tew eat tuff beef, and drink pizon whisky, we hold that he probably will.

One ov the prinsipal objekts ov this klub iz tew find out which haz got the most spirit in it, a man, or a quart ov whisky.

If a man kant keep from gitting dry without being put under bonds, he must jine sum other tempranse klub.

This klub haz no pollytiks, nor no religion, enny man kan belong tew this klub, and vote even the dimokratik tiket, and tend the presbeterian, or hard sh.e.l.l babtisst meeting house.

No man admitted tew this klub who kant swallo a moderate horn ov lickquor; (if he aktually needs it) without the aid ov a doktors preskripshun.

Men who kant keep sober when they are in convivial places, are earnestly invited tew jine this klub, and learn how.

No one who belongs to this klub iz obliged tew eat a pound ov salt codfish and not feel dry.

Old b.u.mmers who visit us, will not be admitted, unless they giv the pa.s.s word, (the pa.s.s word iz named above.)

All persons making aplikashun for admishun must at least be sober enuff tew be ashamed ov themselfs.

We dont beleave that law ever kept a man sober long, but we do beleave that entreaty and example haz.

This iz not a total abstinence klub.

We would be willing to make it one if we only knew how.

If a man jines this klub, and then gits drunk, we take him in again az soon as he gits sober.

Members taken for one sitting, for the purpose ov gitting sober.

Advice, consolashun, pitty, remonstrance, and enkouragement, free.

Klub-room open nite and day.

A skillful doktor in attendance who understands sowing up tares in the flesh, and removeing blak and blue spots.

Man iz our brother, and we haven't learnt yet that rum haz destroyed the relashuns.h.i.+p.

The acc.u.mulating funds tew be invested in all kinds ov decent amuzements.

Every member or applikant owning a good dogg, are invited tew bring the dogg.

No muzzles on man or kritter allowed in this club.

Men owning fast trotters, are requested to visit us, and hear us _talk hoss_, and see us drink root beer.

We had rather undertake tew make ten men temperate than one total abstinent.

This klub never gives a man up untill he kant tell the truth without lieing.

A _temperate liar_ is the very wust kind.

_Total abstinence_ iz the only kure for lieing.

The publik are advised tew examine our bi-laws and const.i.tushun, and see if we liv up tew them.

_Wanted_, (to begin biznes with,) a haff dozen good-hearted fellows, with sum brains, who have bin led tew beleave that thare aint no phun in this world only in a gin c.o.c.ktail.

No phools nor bigots solicited.

PROVERBIAL PIG.

Az the white rose wakens intu buty, so dus the white Pig c.u.m tu gladden us.