A Hundred Thousand Words Part 2

"I was there for the same reason you were," he says.

My pulse speeds up. Levi's hand is sweaty against my arm. "You're gay?" Holy f.u.c.k. How is Levi Baxter gay and I never knew it? Why hadn't he come out?

"No." He lets go of me and shrugs. "I'm bi, though." He presses his hand to his forehead. "My f.u.c.king head's gonna explode. I need to get some caffeine and pain medicine. Have coffee with me. We can talk then."

Levi steps away but I don't move. Talk about head explosions. Levi's bis.e.xual? The idea makes every notion I've ever had about him detonate. And who knows when the dust will settle enough for me to see how I'm supposed to deal with all this?

Levi turns back to look at me. "You okay?"

No, I'm really f.u.c.king not. I actually feel like I might get sick.

"Did I... Did I do something? Did I hit on you last night and make you uncomfortable?"

Yeah, getting hit on by him would make me uncomfortable, but probably not in the way he's thinking.

"T-Rex?"

That snaps me out of it. "Jesus Christ, if you call me that again I'm going to knock you out."

Levi's almond-shaped eyes wrinkle around the edges as though he's studying something very closely. Me, I guess. "I can handle that. Seriously, though, go have coffee with me. I owe you for babysitting my grown a.s.s last night while I acted like a kid."

That makes me smile. If someone would have told me I'd ever run into a stumbling, sloppy-drunk Levi I would have called them a liar. "You were ridiculous."

Levi shrugs. "I have some ridiculous stories about you, too."

"From when I was a kid. You're in medical school. You're not supposed to get to have fun anymore. You're old now," I tease him, but the lighthearted banter dies somewhere between us. Levi groans and then reaches for a bag on the bedside table.

"Don't go anywhere. I need to clean up real quick."

He closes the bathroom door before I can tell him I need to take a leak. I pace around the hotel room like an idiot, partly because my bladder might explode and partly because I just found out Levi is bis.e.xual. I'm still trying to figure out how I didn't know or how anyone at home doesn't. Maybe that's what the change in him has been, but that doesn't completely fit. He was in that club last night. He easily admitted to being bi, so I don't know why that would cause the look of sadness in him that keeps making appearances.

It's about five minutes later when the bathroom door opens. "Catch," Levi says around a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. My fingers latch onto a second toothbrush. He's wearing pants and a hoodie now, making me wish I had taken the time to admire him half-dressed more than I had.

After I stand here like an idiot for a minute, Levi sticks his head out again. "Come brush your teeth so we can go."

"Okay." What the h.e.l.l is wrong with me? I'm acting like the kid that I don't want Levi to see me as.

He finishes brus.h.i.+ng not long after I start, and then he leaves the bathroom like...nothing. Which is all it should be. It's me who's making a big deal out of nothing. We pa.s.sed out in the same bed together. End of story.

I finish brus.h.i.+ng, close the bathroom door and take care of business. When I come out, Levi's leaning against the door to the hall with his eyes closed.

"Let's go. It's catching up with me."

We're quiet as we take the elevator down. Levi makes a quick stop in the lobby, buying a travel package of Tylenol. After leaving the hotel, he suggests we head to a little diner about three blocks away. I say, "Fine."

I hadn't taken a jacket or hoodie with me last night since I planned to be indoors the whole time. The hairs on my arms rise as gooseb.u.mps travel up my chilled skin. Finally, we step inside and there's warmth. Thank G.o.d.

"Two?" a gray-haired waitress asks. Levi nods.

She shows us to a table and leaves us with menus. I open my mouth and say the first thing that comes to mind. "Can we talk about you being bi, now?"

Levi smiles and holds up a finger. The waitress comes back, fills our cups and then walks away. "Let's order first. I need to know I have food coming before anything else."

Food, because that's what's important right now. Doesn't he realize I'm dying over the fact that he likes d.i.c.k? I'm trying to hold back a barrage of visuals-mostly me pounding Levi the way I always wished I could. "Yeah, sure."

"You're pouting."

"I'm not pouting," I reply.

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm-can we not do this? You made me argue with you like a twelve-year-old last night, too."

Levi laughs and I have to fight myself not to do the same. There's an unexpected comfort between us that comes from years of knowing each other even though we've never been close.

"Look she's already coming back. Hurry and pick something to eat and then I can let you in on my deep, dark, secret that's really not a secret at all."

"It is to me."

Levi eyes me with a dark, questioning look that I don't understand.

He orders first when the waitress arrives, getting eggs, bacon and pancakes. From my experience, I couldn't eat s.h.i.+t like that when I had a hangover. Even the thought of food would make me sick. Of course, like everything else in life, hangovers seem easy for Levi.

"I'll take the same." After handing my menu to the waitress, I cross my arms and lean back in the chair, waiting for Levi to speak. He fixes up his coffee-French Vanilla creamer and sugar-before taking a drink.

"Like I said, I'm bi. I like men and women both. I'm not sure what else you want me to say."

Being gay wasn't a huge struggle for me. Not like it is with a lot of people. It didn't take me years to come out. There are no horror stories. Even though in some ways it was an unexpected turn, I never wished I was anything other than who I am. Yeah, I worried about my dad a bit, but that's all. What I did feel was really f.u.c.king alone. Again, it sucked being the only queer guy in town. I'd wanted someone like me in my life and now I find out he was right there and never told me.

"Everything. I want you to tell me everything."

CHAPTER FIVE.

Levi holds up his coffee cup and takes a drink. "You're a lot bossier than you used to be."

"And you're stalling."

He grins. "It's good to see you."

This is the third time he's told me that. It makes my skin p.r.i.c.k with a welcome heat and also confuses the h.e.l.l out of me. I'm about to have breakfast with the guy who gave me and Chris s.h.i.+t all the time, a guy who always treated me like I was a pain in the a.s.s. We've never done something like this, just the two of us, in our lives. "You're different. I don't get you."

He mock-rolls his cedar-colored eyes. "I'm not different and there's nothing to get."

He's lying and I have a feeling he realizes I know that.

Levi sets his cup down and leans back. When he does, he stretches his legs forward, his right leg touching me. "I never really thought about guys until I left for college. One of my frat brothers was gay. He was a senior when I was a soph.o.m.ore. We got pretty close that year. He became a good friend. I found myself noticing him-the way he moved, the way he smelled, the way he looked. He noticed me noticing him, and we ended up s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g around. I liked it. Really f.u.c.king liked it. It happened a few times, then he graduated and that was that with him, only I realized it wasn't just him I was attracted to. There were a few guys over the years. It doesn't change how I see women, though. I want them, too. Both s.e.xes are beautiful to me. Sometimes I'm attracted to a woman, sometimes a man. It's as easy as that."

"Why didn't you ever say anything?" I came out my freshman year of high school, and when I did it, I came out to everyone. That's who I was and that's all there was to it. It felt like something I couldn't hide, like it was as obvious as my skin.

"Why would I tell my parents? It would be different if I was in a relations.h.i.+p with someone, but that never happened. It's not like I was going to call them and be like, 'Hey, I got railed by this really s.e.xy guy last night. I thought you should know.'"

I hadn't meant his parents. I meant why didn't he ever say anything to me.

The waitress comes back with our plates then, saving me from having to reply right away. At this point, I'm not sure what I'd say, considering I'm sitting here getting my feelings hurt about something I have no right to give a s.h.i.+t about.

"Would you boys like anything else?" Before replying to our waitress, I glance over to see her nametag.

"I'm okay, Helen. Thanks."

As soon as she walks away, Levi says, "You've always done that. When you'd go out to dinner with our family, I always noticed you tried to call the waiters and waitresses by their names."

It's a struggle, but I keep my eyes from finding Levi's. Discomfort starts twisting deep in my gut. Yeah, that's something I've always done, but I've never realized anyone noticed. "My mom was a waitress. I remember her telling me that it made her feel good when people called her by her name."

After salting and peppering my eggs, I take a bite. It's then that Levi finally replies. "That's nice of you...to do that." And then he shrugs.

If I'm being honest, I hadn't planned to say it. The words somehow snuck past my lips.

We eat in silence. The whole time I'm thinking again about how strange it is that I've shared meals with the Baxters for years, but that this is the first time I've eaten just with Levi. It's not until I finish eating and set my fork down that I ask the question that's been hiding in the back of my head. "Last night you said something about your life not being what you thought, or you not being who you thought... Is that about being bi? You gotta know your family won't give a s.h.i.+t, man."

"No." Levi shakes his head. "h.e.l.l no. And if anyone did have a problem, f.u.c.k them. I don't care about that. I never hid it at school, either. It's just...it's hard to explain..." He takes a drink of his coffee. "I think the food's helping my hangover. I feel a little better."

"Smooth transition on the subject change."

He gets this playful, c.o.c.ky smile that I'm used to seeing from him. "Thanks." Levi winks, but he can't sway me from wanting to know what's going on behind that charming as h.e.l.l mask of his.

I remember the way his whisper sounded in the dark hotel room last night, the quaver in his voice. The way his arm had felt warm and heavy across my waist. My desire to know more makes me brave, braver than I usually am with Levi. "You said last night you knew I'd understand."

"I was drunk off my a.s.s last night. Jesus, you should have heard the thoughts in my head when I woke up in bed with you. Scared me s.h.i.+tless. I'm so glad at least one of us was sober last night so we didn't make a really big mistake."

The statement's said offhandedly. I can tell it's not supposed to mean anything, but it's still a punch to the gut. The urge to hit him back literally tingles right beneath my skin. "You keep saying s.h.i.+t like that, but I'm telling you, I haven't had any complaints before." Straightening against my chair, I look around to flag our waitress over. There's no point in keeping this going. There's no reason I should be here with Levi at all. I'm Chris's friend, not his. Why should I give a s.h.i.+t if Levi is rejecting me, when I'm not even offering myself to him?

"It trips me out to hear you say s.h.i.+t like that. You're my little brother's friend. I used to hide in Chris's bedroom to scare the s.h.i.+t out of you guys when you'd watch horror movies." Levi laughs, but I don't hear anything funny.

"You sound like you think you're better than I am. As though you have all this life experience that I don't. You're only a few years older than me." The tingle under my skin becomes an annoying burn. I reach into my pocket for my wallet. "Here's a twenty. My food isn't more than that."

Levi pushes the money back toward me when I drop it on the table. "Put your cash away. I asked you to come with me and screwed up your night, at least I can buy you breakfast. And why are you acting all p.i.s.sy? What did I do?"

"Nothing." It's not like he'd understand anyway. I'm fully aware that I'm acting like a child right now. He hasn't really done anything wrong, but I'm treating him as though he has. "Listen, I should go. This is... I don't know what this is." Levi and I aren't close friends and probably never will be. He needed help last night and I helped him. That's all there is to it, and there's no point in me sticking around and maybe getting my hopes up for more than just some weird conversation over breakfast.

As I start to push to my feet, my eyes find his. His expression isn't the c.o.c.ky one he wore a few moments ago. It's more like the expression I caught a glimpse of last night-his eyes narrowing as if he's thinking hard and his lips turning down like he's not sure what he wants to say.

I'm standing there next to the table, getting ready to tell him goodbye when he says, "I heard you once, when we were younger. It wasn't long after you started spending time at our place. Your mom had left not long before. It was late and you were staying with Chris. I got up to take a p.i.s.s and you were crying in the bathroom."

What the actual f.u.c.k? Telling me he heard me crying in the john when I was a kid isn't going to make this any less awkward. "Yeah, okay. Thanks for bringing that up."

When I try to walk away, Levi's warm hand wraps around my wrist. His skin isn't as clammy as it was earlier.

"I get it. Your whole life had just fallen apart. You felt alone, lost. I guess I feel the same way sometimes. Only I don't have a real reason for it. Not the way you did."

His words bounce around in my chest, colliding with my heart. There's a quiet pain in his voice, something that's maybe been there for a while, but he's done a good job at hiding it. Right now he's not trying, he's naked and not in the way I've fantasized about too many times over the years.

"I don't know what in the f.u.c.k I'm saying." Levi lets go. "There's nothing wrong with me. I'm happy. I'm f.u.c.king lucky. I'm getting my dream. I'm going to be a G.o.dd.a.m.ned doctor. I'm just..." He shakes his head. "f.u.c.k, I don't know what I'm being. You can ignore me. I'll catcha later, T-Rex."

There's no possibility of me ignoring or forgetting what he's just said, the way he said it or how it feels. I'm standing here looking down at a guy I've known forever and feeling like maybe I don't really know him at all.

"You don't get off that easy," I tell him. "You never let me or Chris off easy and I'll be d.a.m.ned if I do it to you."

CHAPTER SIX.

Levi leans back, staring up at me. "Think you're a tough guy now, huh?"

He's teasing me, but I'm not letting go of this sudden burst of confidence I have where Levi is concerned. "Or you're just noticing." I nod toward the door. "Let's go for a walk or something."

It takes a moment, but then Levi stands, tosses some money on the table, and follows me out of the diner. He squints as we stand on the sidewalk, making me wonder if he feels worse than he's letting on. It's dreary and grey, more like Oregon weather than the brief tease of cool suns.h.i.+ne from yesterday. I wouldn't be surprised if it rained soon.

"Had to want to go on a walk when I'm hungover, huh?"

"It's payback for being drunk and c.o.c.kblocking me last night." We make our way down the sidewalk and now that we're out here, I'm not sure what to say. I guess I hoped that Levi would suddenly spill details from the last four and a half years of his life to me so I could understand him better, but he doesn't.

"How's school going for you?" he asks.

"Good. I've seen and done more s.h.i.+t in the year and a half I've been at school than I did my whole life."

Levi chuckles, this rich, husky laugh. "I hear ya. You realize there's a whole other world out there. Portland isn't even that far from Coburn, but it's still different than home. I loved Southern California. It never f.u.c.king rains there. I don't know what made me choose to go up north for med school." Another laugh.

"You sound like it's good to be home one second, and not the next." I've always felt the need to get away from Oregon and I a.s.sumed Levi felt that way, too. Leaving home seemed like it fit with all his plans-go to school, become a doctor like his dad, and own the world. That's Levi.

He sighs as we keep walking. "What's with you? Asking all the hard questions."

"Didn't know it was hard. Plus, that's not really a question. More of a statement."

"True." Levi takes a deep breath and I swear I see the wheels turning in his head. He's trying to sort through his thoughts so I hold back on asking him more questions, giving him time.

As we amble down the street, heading for a green s.p.a.ce that looks like it might be a park, he says, "If you're expecting some big story, you're not going to get it. Like I said in the diner, there's nothing much to say. College was mostly great. I had a blast, but... h.e.l.l, I guess it wasn't what I thought it would be, either. This sounds like a lame-a.s.s excuse, but I've always been used to things coming easy for me. Suddenly, I had to work harder than I ever had. Which is cool, I don't mind the work. Love it in a way because it's important to me to succeed, but it was different. It just...affected me in ways I never expected."

"So? You got on track." There's nothing wrong with needing a little help, but I can see it being a problem for Levi. He's always been so proud, always kept himself on a pedestal. It's why he comes off as a d.i.c.khead sometimes.