A Hundred Thousand Words Part 4

Levi laughs, but he's still watching me like he's trying to figure something out. "Hey, I've never had any complaints about my body before. Not all of us can be blessed with-"

"If you compare my skin color to food or a drink I'm beating your a.s.s."

We squeeze through a crowd of people as we make our way through the main court. "Huh? People do that?"

"All the f.u.c.king time. It's annoying-creamed coffee, caramel, chocolate sundae." The last one I'm making up, but still.

"With a cherry on top?" Levi winks and a slight heat forms in my lower stomach.

"Nope, no cherries here. I'm all man."

He rolls his eyes. "You're a dirty boy, Toby. Who would have thought?" We head down the main walkway before he adds, "Anyway, I wasn't going to call you a food. No worries there."

My brain tells me to keep my mouth shut, but I really don't want to listen to the warning. "What were you going to say, then? How would you describe me, because I have to tell you, I haven't had any complaints either."

Levi spares me a quick glance. He b.u.mps into someone-the mall is crowded as h.e.l.l with Christmas shoppers-and excuses himself before he says, "Check you out. Went off to college and came back a tattooed flirt. Are you looking for compliments?"

Yes, yes I am. And I have one owl on my arm. A regular inked-up motherf.u.c.ker. Right. "I'm not looking for anything. It was just a question."

"Hmm..." He taps the side of his forehead as though he's pretending to think. Jingle Bells is playing over the mall's sound system. I hate that song. Christmas music is my downfall this time of year. "I don't think I'll tell you."

"What?" I laugh. "That's not fair." Because I really do want to know what Levi thinks of me. I want to know what kind of men he's into as well.

"Hey! I don't see you giving me any compliments. You're not gonna tell me how you see me, then I'm not doing the same for you."

Oh. Yeah...he's got me there. Not so sure I should tell him what I see when I look at him. It might make things a little awkward if he knows thinking about him gets me hard. "Eh, I guess you're right."

This time it's Levi who laughs. He has this totally unique sound to his voice-a s.e.xy, scratchy, husky tone that's gritty as sandpaper and sounds masculine as h.e.l.l.

"Now wait a minute. You had me all ready to hear what you think about me. I mean, besides pale that is. Christ, now I'm going to be insecure about my skin tone. Should I hit up a tanning salon today?"

Scoffing, I push my hands into my pocket. "Yeah right, insecure my a.s.s. You forget, I know you. I was at your house every weekend when I was a kid. You had a different girlfriend every time. Chris used to talk about how much he couldn't wait to score like you always did. I'm pretty sure you don't get insecure about your looks. Everyone wanted you." And they had.

"That's not true, T-Rex." His voice sobers. "Things aren't always what they seem. And even if they seemed good back home, I got a h.e.l.l of a wakeup call in college. It's a lot harder to stand out in the rest of the world than it is in Coburn." He shrugs. "It took me a bit to find my footing. And I got turned down plenty by both women and men." He glances at me and c.o.c.ks a brow. I really, really don't need him to remind me that he's into men. That's just going to get me into a whole h.e.l.l of a lot of trouble. "But yeah, maybe it's not a good idea for us to continue this conversation."

Wait. Why is that? He can't leave off on that. There has to be a reason and wishful thinking or not, the only one I can come up with is the fact that he's nervous about s.e.xual tension between us. Which is there, at least on my end. It wouldn't bother me if it were there on his as well. When I open my mouth to tell him I changed my mind, that I'll tell him what I think about him if he tells me what he thinks about me, Levi speaks before I can. "You frown when I call you T-Rex. You asked me not to call you that-which I try not to, by the way. It comes automatic-why does it bother you now though?"

This is one thing I can't help but be honest with him about. "Because you called me that when I was a kid. I'm not a kid anymore, Levi, and I want you to know it."

He doesn't reply, just looks around me, the store at my back suddenly becoming extremely interesting. "I want to make a stop in here real quick."

CHAPTER EIGHT.

"You think Chris is serious about Gemma?" Levi asks as I follow him through the store.

"Yeah. He attached the ball and chain himself the second he saw her. He called me about two weeks into the school year and said he met his dream girl. They've been together ever since." I know it's only been a few months, but there's something different about the way he talks about her. Plus, she's flying out to spend part of the break to meet his family. That has to mean something.

"No s.h.i.+t?" Levi chuckles. "I wonder why he didn't call and tell me."

His words make me stumble. Is he serious? Chris doesn't talk to Levi about anything, not really. He doesn't trust his brother. Levi has to know that. "He probably thought you would be too busy or something," I lie, because if Levi doesn't know, I definitely don't want to be the one to break it to him.

"Nah, he's my brother. Would have given him s.h.i.+t, but wouldn't have been too busy."

I'm not sure Levi would have said that a few years ago. It's strange how someone can go away and come back a different person, like the outside world has this magic power to change the things your hometown engraved into you. In a lot of ways, I'm a different person, and Levi seems to be as well.

"It'll be cool to meet her. I'm proud of him. Seems like he's doing real well."

Guilt creeps around inside me, peeking out of hiding places I didn't even know were there. Levi has no f.u.c.king clue how Chris feels about him. They're brothers. That's how brothers are supposed to relate, right? It's not as though I have experience to draw from, but listening to Levi I realize he feels a closeness to Chris that Chris isn't aware of. Because mostly all Levi does is give him a hard time. It makes me wonder if maybe we didn't really see the whole truth though. If part of it was typical brother stuff and Chris and I just saw it as Levi being a jerk or if there's more to the story. If maybe Levi didn't have little masks in place even back then the way he does now. "You should tell him. I think he'd like to hear that."

He stops at a display and I study him, wondering if I ever really knew him. It's hard to tell. He laughs the same and teases the same, but then he says things like he just did about Chris, or I think about everything from yesterday, and it's as though I'm looking at a stranger.

"Stop staring at me. You're going to make me think you want me." Levi nudges me, a smile in his voice.

"You wish," I toss back, and then we move on from the display and fall into silence.

"So what about you?" Levi asks after a few minutes.

"What about me what?"

"You didn't get serious with any guys while you were away?"

A laugh jumps out of my mouth. "Definitely not. Which is cool. I wasn't looking to. I just..." I'm just not sure if I should talk to him about this.

"Just what? Don't get shy on me now. Hey, watch out." He grabs my arm and pulls me closer. My head narrowly misses the arm on a mannequin. "You're not allowed to get hurt while we're here. I f.u.c.ked up your night at the club. If something goes bad today I'll think I'm bad luck." He lets go of my arm.

"You didn't f.u.c.k up my night."

Levi's brows pull together like I've confused him. Can't blame him for feeling that way because he did, for real, mess up my plans at the club. But I can't call the night a complete waste because I'd appreciated getting insight into Levi.

"Anyway, what were you going to say?" he asks.

It's hard to explain my att.i.tude about getting to know guys in college. Levi had such a different experience from me while growing up in Coburn, I'm not sure he'd understand. "Getting serious was the last thing on my mind," I tell him. "I basically just wanted to screw...or get head. I'm not picky. Either works for me."

Levi lets out a loud laugh, almost sounding surprised by what I said. "It's going to take me a while to get used to hearing you say s.h.i.+t like that, but yeah, I get it. h.e.l.l, I had plenty of girls to choose from at home, but I still felt the same way when I left."

I try to add up everything I've learned about Levi since getting home, but the results don't make sense. One minute I can understand the insecurities he's described, but the next minute all I can see is the old, confident Levi.

When he doesn't offer more of an explanation, I don't ask. We make our way around the store and Levi buys a gift for his mom before we head to a store that sells gag gifts and graphic T-s.h.i.+rts. He picks out a s.h.i.+rt with a joke about being a doctor and bedside manner for his dad. Dr. Baxter will never wear it. It's much too casual for him, but I think he'll get a kick out of it.

"You hungry?" he asks. "We can head to the food court."

"Sure, I could eat, but this place is Christmas-movie overload. Can we grab something else?"

He shrugs. "Yep. No shopping for you?"

"Nah, I'm good." We make our way back to the car before hitting up a burger drive thru and sitting in his truck to eat.

"I had a peanut b.u.t.ter and jelly sandwich for breakfast. I'm f.u.c.king starved." He takes a bite of his burger and then wipes a dab of ketchup from the corner of his mouth.

"Grape jelly?" It's a good question. If he answers anything other than grape, I'll realize Levi and I can never be and get over this f.u.c.ked-up crush I have on him.

"Is there any other kind?"

Oh s.h.i.+t, I'm screwed. He loves grape jelly. There's no going back now. I cover a smile by taking a big bite of my burger. "I don't know why it's always been my favorite." Actually, I do, but it's not something he really needs to know.

"Because it's good. It's my favorite, too."

From there we pretty much just stuff our faces. Levi shoves our burger wrappers into the bag and leans back, resting his head against the seat. "So what do you have planned for the rest of break?"

"Jack s.h.i.+t." I trace the lines on the truck's center console with my finger. "There's nothing here for me to do."

Levi nudges me. "What do you mean by that?"

"I don't know. It's not important." It's not like I'm going to tell him my dad and I don't spend time together and the Baxters are the only local family I have. "I'll hang out with Chris, but he has Gemma coming. Maybe I'll meet up with a few other friends if they're in town but, if we're being realistic, I'll probably just talk to guys on Grindr all day." I shrug. Chris is the only person I've kept in touch with since leaving for college.

From the corner of my eye, I see Levi turn his head toward me. I can't help but look over at him, too. "I used to wonder if you and Chris had something going on. Remember when I got suspended for that fight in high school?"

I do remember. It was the only time Levi had been in serious trouble at school. He couldn't play in one of his football games because he got suspended for that fight. "Yeah," I tell him.

"Landon was talking s.h.i.+t about you guys. Saying stuff he had no business saying. I always f.u.c.king hated him anyway, but the way he was saying it... Like who gave a f.u.c.k if you and my brother were together? That s.h.i.+t p.i.s.ses me off."

Levi turns his head away, but I keep looking at him. There's a little scar by his eyebrow, but I don't know how he got it. His nose is thin, not too thin, but it's on the smaller side. It's suddenly become necessary that I memorize everything about him. Like notes I have to study for a major test, and I'm getting in my last cramming session. "Why didn't you say anything?" All we'd known was he got into a fight, not the why of it. Not that it had been in defense of Chris and me. His parents had lost their minds at the idea of Levi fighting. I can guarantee they would have changed their tune if they knew Levi was sticking up for Chris, but he never said a word.

"I didn't want you guys to know... If you were f.u.c.king around, I didn't want it to cause problems." He pauses and I wonder why in the h.e.l.l Levi never showed this side of himself before now. The fact that he cares. If he had, maybe things wouldn't be so strained with him and Chris. Not for the first time it makes me want to reevaluate some of the instances from the past. If he got in that fight to stick up for us and we didn't know it, maybe he'd had reasons for some of his other behavior as well.

"Were you...? Did you ever...?" He doesn't finish his sentence.

"What?" I can't believe he even asked that. "No. h.e.l.l no. Chris is my best friend. That's all he'll ever be."

"Good." Levi closes his eyes, just closes his f.u.c.king eyes like he's going to take a nap or something, as though he didn't make it sound like he gave a s.h.i.+t if I was with his brother or not.

Why? Why the f.u.c.k is it good that I never had a thing with Chris? "He's straight as straight can be. Jesus, I thought I would lose my mind he talked about girls so much. I love him, but not like that. I know he took s.h.i.+t for being good friends with me. Not all the time and not from everyone, but sometimes."

He'd been a dream friend to a kid like me. h.e.l.l, he even took me to prom. It had been a blow to the f.u.c.king ego, and I sure as h.e.l.l didn't want to say yes when he asked me, but Chris said he'd rather go with his best friend than anyone else. And we both knew I didn't have any other options. Yeah, he got s.h.i.+t for being close with me. Not many guys would have stuck by my side.

"He's a good guy, like you. I always wondered. I could see you with someone like Chris."

It would never happen. Even if Chris was gay or bi, he's my friend. Like my brother. I could never risk losing Chris with something as temporary as a fling, or even a relations.h.i.+p. People pretend those last but they rarely do.

I don't really know how to respond, so I go back to what we were talking about a few minutes ago, plans for while we're home. "They're playing Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde at the theater. I might go see that."

Levi keeps his eyes closed but his nose wrinkles. "Really? You're into that stuff?"

"Yeah. I'm not into dinosaurs anymore."

"What else are you into?"

It should be an easier question to answer than it is. "I don't know. I read. I like going to watch plays. I'm an English major."

This time he opens his eyes and turns toward me again. "No s.h.i.+t?"

"Yeah, no s.h.i.+t. You might like going to see a play every now and then, too. I love words. Love the way people put them together. It's the most incredible form of art, if you ask me." When I realize I've gone off on a tangent, I turn and stretch just for something to do. I don't know why I just told him all of that. Like he cares.

"Can I go with you?" he asks.

I feel his eyes on me, and I roll mine. "You don't want to go. It's cool."

"Oh, and you know what I want and don't want? Can you tell me what in the f.u.c.k I want to do with my life, since I don't want to be a doctor anymore?"

"I didn't mean..." I turn his way so quickly, there's a little pinch in my neck.

"I know." He nudges my arm. "I'm going to go with you whether you like it or not. h.e.l.l, maybe I'll like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You never know."

"Okay." I'm close enough now that I can see the scar by his eye in more detail. It's in the shape of a crescent moon. The urge to lick it is there. To let my mouth trail down his face and eat at his lips. The guy is too f.u.c.king s.e.xy for his own good.

"Okay to what? That you don't care if I go with you, or you think I might like it?"

"Both." Okay to everything right now.

We're close, too f.u.c.king close to be staring at each other like this. I'm not clear on how it happened, but I don't care either. I feel his warm breath on my face and see that there's a little spot of lighter brown in one of his eyes. I should just f.u.c.king kiss him. If it were any other guy I would have.

"Thank you," he says, his voice laced with s.e.x. It's the voice he uses when he's with someone. Somehow I know that.

And then his hand is touching my face. He cups my cheek before sliding his hand around to rest on the back of my neck. His touch sears my skin in the best possible way. My whole body heats and then Levi gives my neck a gentle tug. So f.u.c.king gentle that I almost don't know if he did it or if I'm just moving toward him.

Our lips touch, his hair brushes my forehead and then his tongue is at my lips. f.u.c.k yes. All I can think is f.u.c.k yes, as I open my mouth and his tongue pushes inside. Levi leans forward, closer, deepening the kiss. Levi f.u.c.king Baxter. I'm kissing Levi Baxter. My tongue is moving with his. I moan into his mouth and then he moans into mine. My d.i.c.k is hard and aching as I reach up to grab his hair, to pull him closer and kiss him deeper, but as soon as I touch him, he jerks away.

"f.u.c.k. I'm sorry." He leans against the door like he has to be as far away from me as possible. "Jesus, I can't believe I just did that. I shouldn't have kissed you, T-Rex."

Just like that, my d.i.c.k goes soft. My skin burns hot for a different reason now. Why in the f.u.c.k shouldn't he kiss me? What the h.e.l.l is so wrong with it?

"Yeah. Fine. No worries." I get as close to my door as I can, too. It's ridiculous and we're acting like kids. I've done more with guys I met on an app, so I'm not sure what the big deal about a kiss is. "Come on. We should get out of here."

"T-"

"Shut the f.u.c.k up. It's fine. Let's go. I'm getting tired anyway." But I'm not, not really. Apologizing for a kiss that's returned isn't something anyone should ever do. Even if he doesn't want to do it again, oh well. I just don't want to hear about how he's sorry and how he shouldn't have done it. Oh, and then hear him call me the name I've asked him not to call me too many times to count.

"Alright."

Levi's truck rumbles to a start. I've always f.u.c.king hated trucks like this-monsters driven by guys who seem like they have to make up for something with an oversized vehicle.

We're quiet as we start the drive back to Coburn. I'm pouting, but right now I really don't care.