Princess Diaries Series: Third Time Lucky Part 25

He has a bowl in the hallway outside my room. Rinse that out and fill it with water from the water filter pitcher in the refrigerator. It must be water from the water filter pitcher because even though New York tap is said to be contaminant-free, it is good for Louie to get at least some water that is definitely pure. Cats need to drink a lot of water to flush out their systems and prevent kidney and urinary tract infections, so always leave lots of water out, and not just by his food bowls but other places as well.

Do not confuse the bowl in the hall with the bowl by the Christmas tree. That bowl is there to discourage Louie from

drinking out of the tree holder. Too much tree resin could make him constipated.

In the morning, Fat Louie likes to sit on the window sill of my room and look at the pigeons on the fire escape. NEVER OPEN THIS WINDOW, but be sure the curtains are open so he can see out.

Also, sometimes he likes to look out the windows by the TV. If he cries while he is doing this, it means you should pet him.

p.m.

At dinnertime, give Fat Louie canned food. Fat Louie only likes three flavours, Chicken and Tuna Feast (Flaked),

Shrimp and Fish Feast (Flaked), and Ocean Fish Feast (Flaked). He won't eat anything with beef or pork.

He must have the contents of the can on a new CLEAN saucer or he won't eat. Also, he won't eat if the contents don't

retain their can-like shape on the plate, so don't chop up his food.

After eating his canned food, Fat Louie likes to stretch out on the carpet in front of the front door. This is a good time to

give him his exercise. When he stretches out, just put your hand under his front legs and straighten them (he likes this) until he bends like a comma. Then dig your thumbs between his shoulder blades and give him a kitty ma.s.sage. He will purr if you do it right. If you do it wrong you will know because he will bite you.

Fat Louie gets bored very easily and when he gets bored, he walks around crying, so here are some games he likes to play: a Take some pieces of cat treat and line them up on top of the stereo for Fat Louie to knock of and chase.

a Put Fat Louie in my computer chair and then hide behind the bookshelf and throw one end of a shoelace over the back of the chair so he can't see where it is coming from.

a Make a fort out of pillows on my bed and put Fat Louie inside of it and then stick your hand into any openings between the pillows (I recommend wearing gloves during this game).

a Put some catnip in an old sock and throw it to Fat Louie. Then leave him alone for four to five hours, because catnip makes him a litde free with his claws.

The Litter Box Mr. Gianini, this one is for you. Mom must not clean out the litter box or touch anything that may have come in contact with it or she might develop toxemia and she or the baby might die or get sick. Always wash your hands in warm, soapy water after changing Fat Louie's litter box, even if you don't think you got anything on your hands.

Fat Louie's box needs to be scooped out every day. Always use clumping litter and then just scoop out the clumps into a Grand Union bag and dispose. Nothing could be simpler. He tends to do number 2 about two hours after his evening meal. You will be able to tell from the odour wafting from his box in my bathroom.

Most Important of All Remember not to disturb Fat Louie's special area behind the toilet in my bathroom. That is where he keeps his collection

of s.h.i.+ny objects. If he takes something of yours and you find it there, be sure not to take it out while he is looking or for weeks he will try to bite you every time he sees you. I talked to the vet about it, but she said short of hiring an animal behaviourist at $70/hr there is nothing that can be done. We just have to put up with it.

Above all, be sure to pick Fat Louie up several times a day and hug and squeeze him!!!!! (He likes this.) Sat.u.r.day, December 12, Midnight, the Loft I can't believe it's midnight already and I am still only on Chapter One of An Introduction to Algebra!

This book is incomprehensible. I sincerely hope whoever wrote it did not make very much money from it.

I should just go and ask Mr G what's going to be on the Final.

No, that would be cheating.

Wouldn't it?

Sunday, December 13,10 a.m., the Loft Only forty-eight hours until the Algebra final and I am still on Chapter One.

Sunday, December 13,10:30 a.m., the Loft Lilly just came over again. She wants to study for World Civ. together. I told her I can't worry about World Civ. when I am only on Chapter One in my Algebra review, but she said we could alternate: she would quiz me on Algebra for an hour - then

I could quiz her on World Civ. for an hour. I said OK, even though it really isn't fair - she is getting an A in Algebra so her quizzing me isn't really helping her any, while my quizzing her in World Civ. helps me study for it too.

But that's what friends are for, I guess.

Sunday, December 13,11 a.m., the Loft Tina just called. Her little brothers and sisters are driving her crazy. She wanted to know if she could come down and study here. I said sure.

What else could I say? Besides, she promised to stop at H and H for bagels and vegetable cream cheese. And she said she thought the photos of me in the supplement were beautiful and that I shouldn't care if people call me a sellout because I look

so hot.

Sunday, December 13, Noon, the Loft Michael told Boris where Lilly was, so now Boris is here too.

Lilly's right. Boris really does breathe too loudly. It's very distracting.

And I wish he wouldn't put his feet on my bed. The least he could do is take his shoes off first. But when I suggested it,

Lilly said that would be a bad idea.

Ew. I don't know why Lilly puts up with a boyfriend who is not only a mouth breather but also has stinky feet.

Boris may be a musical genius but he has a lot to learn about hygiene, if you ask me.

Sunday, December 13,12:30 p.m., the Loft Now Kenny's here. I don't know how I am supposed to get any studying done with all of these people around. Plus Mr. Gianini has decided now would be a good time to practise his drums.

Sunday, December 13, 8 p.m., the Loft I told Lilly and she agreed that once Boris and Kenny showed up, the whole studying thing kind of went down the drain. Plus Mr. G's drumming didn't help. So we decided it would be best to take a study break and go to Chinatown for dimsum.

We had a good time at Great Shanghai, eating vegetable dumplings and dried sauteed string beans with garlic sauce. I ended

up sitting by Boris and he really made me laugh, engineering it so that whenever the waiters brought something new, the only empty spot on the table was in front of him so they had to put it there, which meant Boris and I got first dibs on it.

This made me realize that in spite of the sweaters and the mouth-breathing, Boris really is a funny and nice person. Lilly is so lucky. I mean, that the boy she loves actually loves her back. If only I could love Kenny the way Lilly loves Boris!

But I don't seem to have any control over who I fall in love with. Believe me, if I did I would NOT love Michael. I mean, for one thing he is my best friend's older brother, and if Lilly ever found out I liked him, she would NOT understand. Also, of course, he is a senior and is graduating soon.

And oh, yeah, he already has a girlfriend.

But what am I supposed to do? I can't make myself fall in love with Kenny, any more than I can make him stop liking me, you know, in that special way.

Although he still hasn't asked me to the dance. Or mentioned it at all. Lilly says I should just call him and be like, 'So are we going, or not?' After all, she keeps pointing out, I had the guts to smash up Lana's mobile. Why don't I have the guts to call

my own boyfriend and ask him whether or not he is taking me to the school dance?

But I smashed up Lana's phone in the heat of pa.s.sion. I cannot summon up anything like pa.s.sion where Kenny is concerned. There is a part of me that doesn't want to go to the dance with him at all, and that part of me is relieved he hasn't mentioned anything about it.

OK, it is a very small part of me, but it is still there. So actually, even though I was having fun sitting by Boris at the restaurant and all, it was also a little depressing, on account of the whole Kenny thing.

And then things got even more depressing. That's because some little Chinese-American girls came up to me as I was opening my fortune cookie and wanted to know if they could have my autograph. Then they handed me pens and the advertising supplement that had appeared in that day's Times for me to sign.

I seriously thought about killing myself, only I couldn't think how I'd do it, except for maybe stabbing myself through the heart with a chopstick.

Instead, I just signed the stupid thing for them and tried to smile. But inside, of course, I was FREAKING OUT, especially when I saw how happy the little girls were to have met me. And why? No, not because of my tireless work on behalf of the polar bears or the whales or starving kids. Which I haven't actually done yet, but I fully intend to do.

No, because I'd been in a magazine in a bunch of pretty dresses, and I'm tall and skinny like a model.

Which is no accomplishment at all!

After that, my headache came back and I said I had to go home.

n.o.body protested very much - I think because everybody realized all of a sudden how much time we'd wasted and how