Rhymes Of A Rolling Stone Part 12

Truth! Beauty! Love! O Radiant Day -- What ho! the World's all right, I say.

The Baldness of Chewed-Ear

When Chewed-ear Jenkins got hitched up to Guinneyveer McGee, His flowin' locks, ye recollect, wuz frivolous an' free; But in old Hymen's jack-pot, it's a most amazin' thing, Them flowin' locks jest disappeared like snow-b.a.l.l.s in the Spring; Jest seemed to wilt an' fade away like dead leaves in the Fall, An' left old Chewed-ear balder than a white-washed cannon ball.

Now Missis Chewed-ear Jenkins, that wuz Guinneyveer McGee, Wuz jest about as fine a draw as ever made a pair; But when the boys got jos.h.i.+n' an' suggested it was she That must be inflooenshul for the old man's slump in hair -- Why! Missis Chewed-ear Jenkins jest went clean up in the air.

"To demonstrate," sez she that night, "the lovin' wife I am, I've bought a dozen bottles of Bink's Anty-Dandruff Balm.

'Twill make yer hair jest sprout an' curl like squash-vines in the sun, An' I'm propose to sling it on till every drop is done."

That hit old Chewed-ear's funny side, so he lays back an' hollers: "The day you raise a hair, old girl, you'll git a thousand dollars."

Now, whether 'twas the prize or not 'tis mighty hard to say, But Chewed-ear didn't seem to have much comfort from that day.

With bottles of that dandruff dope she followed at his heels, An' sprinkled an' ma.s.saged him even when he ate his meals.

She waked him from his beauty sleep with tender, lovin' care, An' rubbed an' scrubbed a.s.siduous, yet never sign of hair.

Well, naturally all the boys soon tumbled to the joke, An' at the Wow-wow's Social 'twas Cold-deck Davis spoke: "The little woman's working mighty hard on Chewed-ear's crown; Let's give her for a three-fifth's share a hundred dollars down.

We stand to make five hundred clear -- boys, drink in whiskey straight: 'The Chewed-ear Jenkins Hirsute Propagation Syndicate'."

The boys wuz on, an' soon chipped in the necessary dust; They primed up a committy to negotiate the deal; Then Missis Jenkins yielded, bein' rather in disgust, An' all wuz signed an' witnessed, an' invested with a seal.

They rounded up old Chewed-ear, an' they broke it what they'd done; Allowed they'd bought an interest in his chance of raisin' hair; They yanked his hat off anxiouslike, opinin' one by one Their magnifyin' gla.s.ses showed fine prospects everywhere.

They bought Hairlene, an' Thatchem, an' Jay's Capillery Juice, An' Seven Something Sisters, an' Maca.s.sar an' Bay Rum, An' everyone insisted on his speshul right to sluice His speshul line of lotion onto Chewed-ear's cranium.

They only got the merrier the more the old man roared, An' shares in "Jenkins Hirsute" went sky-highin' on the board.

The Syndicate wuz hopeful that they'd demonstrate the pay, An' Missis Jenkins laboured in her perseverin' way.

The boys discussed on "surface rights", an' "out-crops" an' so on, An' planned to have it "crown" surveyed, an' blue prints of it drawn.

They ran a base line, sluiced an' yelled, an' everyone wuz glad, Except the balance of the property, an' he wuz "mad".

"It gives me pain," he interjects, "to squash yer glowin' dream, But you wuz fools when you got in on this here 'Hirsute' scheme.

You'll never raise a hair on me," when lo! that very night, Preparin' to retire he got a most onpleasant fright: For on that s.h.i.+nin' dome of his, so prominently bare, He felt the baby outcrop of a second growth of hair.

A thousand dollars! Sufferin' Caesar! Well, it must be saved!

He grabbed his razor recklesslike, an' shaved an' shaved an' shaved.

An' when his head was smooth again he gives a mighty sigh, An' sneaks away, an' buys some Hair Destroyer on the sly.

So there wuz Missis Jenkins with "Restorer" wagin' fight, An' Chewed-ear with "Destroyer" circ.u.mventin' her at night.

The battle wuz a mighty one; his nerves wuz on the strain, An' yet in spite of all he did that hair began to gain.

The situation grew intense, so quietly one day, He gave his share-holders the slip, an' made his get-a-way.

Jest like a criminal he skipped, an' aimed to defalcate The Chewed-ear Jenkins Hirsute Propagation Syndicate.

His guilty secret burned him, an' he sought the city's din: "I've got to get a wig," sez he, "to cover up my sin.

It's growin', growin' night an' day; it's most amazin' hair"; An' when he looked at it that night, he shuddered with despair.

He shuddered an' suppressed a cry at what his optics seen -- For on my word of honour, boys, that hair wuz growin' _GREEN_.

At first he guessed he'd get some dye, an' try to dye it black; An' then he saw 'twas Nemmysis wuz layin' on his track.

He must jest face the music, an' confess the thing he done, An' pay the boys an' Guinneyveer the money they had won.

An' then there came a big idee -- it thrilled him like a shock: Why not control the Syndicate by buyin' up the Stock?

An' so next day he hurried back with smoothly shaven pate, An' for a hundred dollars he bought up the Syndicate.

'Twas mighty frenzied finance an' the boys set up a roar, But "Hirsutes" from the market wuz withdrawn for evermore.

An' to this day in Nuggetsville they tell the tale how slick The Syndicate sold out too soon, and Chewed-ear turned the trick.

The Mother

There will be a singing in your heart, There will be a rapture in your eyes; You will be a woman set apart, You will be so wonderful and wise.

You will sleep, and when from dreams you start, As of one that wakes in Paradise, There will be a singing in your heart, There will be a rapture in your eyes.

There will be a moaning in your heart, There will be an anguish in your eyes; You will see your dearest ones depart, You will hear their quivering good-byes.

Yours will be the heart-ache and the smart, Tears that scald and lonely sacrifice; There will be a moaning in your heart, There will be an anguish in your eyes.

There will come a glory in your eyes, There will come a peace within your heart; Sitting 'neath the quiet evening skies, Time will dry the tear and dull the smart.

You will know that you have played your part; Yours shall be the love that never dies: You, with Heaven's peace within your heart, You, with G.o.d's own glory in your eyes.

The Dreamer

The lone man gazed and gazed upon his gold, His sweat, his blood, the wage of weary days; But now how sweet, how doubly sweet to hold All gay and gleamy to the campfire blaze.

The evening sky was sinister and cold; The willows s.h.i.+vered, wanly lay the snow; The uncommiserating land, so old, So worn, so grey, so n.i.g.g.ard in its woe, Peered through its ragged shroud. The lone man sighed, Poured back the gaudy dust into its poke, Gazed at the seething river listless-eyed, Loaded his corn-cob pipe as if to smoke; Then crushed with weariness and hards.h.i.+p crept Into his ragged robe, and swiftly slept.

Hour after hour went by; a shadow slipped From vasts of shadow to the camp-fire flame; Gripping a rifle with a deadly aim, A gaunt and hairy man with wolfish eyes . . .

The sleeper dreamed, and lo! this was his dream: He rode a streaming horse across a moor.

Sudden 'mid pit-black night a lightning gleam Showed him a way-side inn, forlorn and poor.

A sullen host unbarred the creaking door, And led him to a dim and dreary room; Wherein he sat and poked the fire a-roar, So that weird shadows jigged athwart the gloom.

He ordered wine. 'Od's blood! but he was tired.

What matter! Charles was crushed and George was King; His party high in power; how he aspired!

Red guineas packed his purse, too tight to ring.

The fire-light gleamed upon his silken hose, His silver buckles and his powdered wig.

What ho! more wine! He drank, he slowly rose.

What made the shadows dance that madcap jig?

He clutched the candle, steered his way to bed, And in a trice was sleeping like the dead.