The Big Book of Christmas Mysteries Part 35

IN ADDITION TO BEING A NOTED EXPERT in eighteenth century English literature, especially the life and works of Dr. Samuel Johnson, S. C. Roberts (Sydney Castle Roberts) was also a scholar and aficionado of Sherlock Holmes. He wrote a.n.a.lytical works on the subject, such as Holmes and Watson: A Miscellany and Doctor Watson: Prolegomena to the Study of a Biographical Problem, as well as contributing regularly to Holmesian magazines and anthologies. He also wrote parodies and pastiches about Holmes and Watson, including this short play and The Strange Case of the Megatherium Thefts. "Christmas Eve" was first published as a chapbook limited to 100 copies (Cambridge, privately printed, 1936).

Christmas Eve.

S. C. ROBERTS.

(SHERLOCK HOLMES, disguised as a loafer, is discovered probing in a sideboard cupboard for something to eat and drink.).

HOLMES: Where in the world is that decanter? I'm sure I- (Enter DR. WATSON, who sees only the back of HOLMES'S stooping figure) WATSON: (Turning quickly and whispering hoa.r.s.ely offstage) Mrs. Hudson! Mrs. Hudson! My revolver, quick. There's a burglar in Mr. Holmes's room. (WATSON exits) HOLMES: Ah, there's the decanter at last. But first of all I may as well discard some of my properties. (Takes off cap, coat, beard, etc., and puts on dressing gown) My word, I'm hungry. (Begins to eat sandwich) But, bless me, I've forgotten the siphon! (Stoops at cupboard in same att.i.tude as before) (Enter WATSON, followed by MRS. HUDSON) WATSON: (Sternly) Now, my man, put those hands up.

HOLMES: (Turning round) My dear Watson, why this sudden pa.s.sion for melodrama?

WATSON: Holmes!

HOLMES: Really, Watson, to be the victim of a murderous attack at your hands, of all people's-and on Christmas Eve, too.

WATSON: But a minute ago, Holmes, there was a villainous-looking scoundrel trying to wrench open that cupboard-a really criminal type. I caught a glimpse of his face.

HOLMES: Well, well, my dear Watson, I suppose I ought to be grateful for the compliment to my make-up. The fact is that I have spent the day loafing at the corner of a narrow street leading out of the Waterloo Road. They were all quite friendly to me there.... Yes, I obtained the last little piece of evidence that I wanted to clear up that case of the Kentish Town safe robbery-you remember? Quite an interesting case, but all over now.

MRS. HUDSON: Lor', Mr. 'Olmes, how you do go on. Still, I'm learnin' never to be surprised at anything now.

HOLMES: Capital, Mrs. Hudson. That's what every criminal investigator has to learn, isn't it, Watson? (MRS. HUDSON leaves) WATSON: Well, I suppose so, Holmes. But you must feel very pleased to think you've got that Kentish Town case off your mind before Christmas.

HOLMES: On the contrary, my dear Watson, I'm miserable. I like having things on my mind-it's the only thing that makes life tolerable. A mind empty of problems is worse even than a stomach empty of food. (Eats sandwich) But Christmas is commonly a slack season. I suppose even criminals' hearts are softened. The result is that I have nothing to do but to look out of the window and watch other people being busy. That little p.a.w.nbroker at the corner, for instance, you know the one, Watson?

WATSON: Yes, of course.

HOLMES: One of the many shops you have often seen, but never observed, my dear Watson. If you had watched that p.a.w.nbroker's front door as carefully as I have during the last ten days, you would have noted a striking increase in his trade; you might have observed also some remarkably well-to-do people going into the shop. There's one wellset-up young woman whom I have seen at least four times. Curious to think what her business may have been.... But it's a shame to depress your Christmas spirit, Watson. I see that you are particularly cheerful this evening.

WATSON: Well, yes, I don't mind admitting that I am feeling quite pleased with things today.

HOLMES: So "Rio Tintos" have paid a good dividend, have they?

WATSON: My dear Holmes, how on earth do you know that?

HOLMES: Elementary, my dear Watson. You told me years ago that "Rio Tintos" was the one dividend which was paid in through your bank and not direct to yourself. You come into my room with an envelope of a peculiar shade of green sticking out of your coat pocket. That particular shade is used by your bank-c.o.x's-and by no other, so far as I am aware. Clearly, then, you have just obtained your pa.s.s-book from the bank and your cheerfulness must proceed from the good news which it contains. Ex hypothesi, that news must relate to "Rio Tintos."

WATSON: Perfectly correct, Holmes; and on the strength of the good dividend, I have deposited ten good, crisp, five-pound notes in the drawer of my dressing table just in case we should feel like a little jaunt after Christmas.

HOLMES: That was charming of you, Watson. But in my present state of inertia I should be a poor holiday companion. Now if only-(Knock at door) Come in.

MRS. HUDSON: Please sir, there's a young lady to see you.

HOLMES: What sort of young lady, Mrs. Hudson? Another of these young women wanting half a crown towards some Christmas charity? If so, Dr. Watson's your man, Mrs. Hudson. He's bursting with bank-notes today.

MRS. HUDSON: I'm sure I'm very pleased to 'ear it, sir; but this lady ain't that kind at all, sir. She's sort of agitated, like ... very anxious to see you and quite scared of meeting you at the same time, if you take my meaning, sir.

HOLMES: Perfectly, Mrs. Hudson. Well, Watson, what are we to do? Are we to interview this somewhat unbalanced young lady?

WATSON: If the poor girl is in trouble, Holmes, I think you might at least hear what she has to say.

HOLMES: Chivalrous as ever, my dear Watson-bring the lady up, Mrs. Hudson.

MRS. HUDSON: Very good, sir. (To the lady outside) This way, Miss.

(Enter MISS VIOLET DE VINNE, an elegant but distracted girl of about twenty-two) HOLMES: (Bowing slightly) You wish to consult me?

MISS DE VINNE: (Nervously) Are you Mr. Sherlock Holmes?

HOLMES: I am-and this is my friend and colleague, Dr. Watson.

WATSON: (Coming forward and holding out hand) Charmed, I am sure, Miss- HOLMES: (To MISS DE VINNE) You have come here, I presume, because you have a story to tell me. May I ask you to be as concise as possible?

MISS DE VINNE: I will try, Mr. Holmes. My name is de Vinne. My mother and I live together in Bayswater. We are not very well off but my father was ... well ... a gentleman. The Countess of Barton is one of our oldest friends- HOLMES: (Interrupting) And the owner of a very wonderful pearl necklace.

MISS DE VINNE: (Startled) How do you know that, Mr. Holmes?

HOLMES: I am afraid it is my business to know quite a lot about other people's affairs. But I'm sorry. I interrupted. Go on.

MISS DE VINNE: Two or three times a week I spend the day with Lady Barton and act as her secretary in a casual, friendly way. I write letters for her and arrange her dinner-tables when she has a party and do other little odd jobs.

HOLMES: Lady Barton is fortunate, eh, Watson?

WATSON: Yes, indeed, Holmes.

MISS DE VINNE: This afternoon a terrible thing happened. I was arranging some flowers when Lady Barton came in looking deathly white. "Violet," she said, "the pearls are gone." "Heavens." I cried, "what do you mean?" "Well," she said, "having quite unexpectedly had an invitation to a reception on January 5th, I thought I would make sure that the clasp was all right. When I opened the case (you know the special place where I keep it) it was empty-that's all." She looked as if she was going to faint, and I felt much the same.

HOLMES: (Quickly) And did you faint?

MISS DE VINNE: No, Mr. Holmes, we pulled ourselves together somehow and I asked her whether she was going to send for the police, but she wouldn't hear of it. She said Jim (that's her husband) hated publicity and would be furious if the pearls became "copy" for journalists. But of course she agreed that something had to be done and so she sent me to you.

HOLMES: Oh, Lady Barton sent you?

MISS DE VINNE: Well, not exactly. You see, when she refused to send for the police, I remembered your name and implored her to write you ... and ... well ... here I am and here's the letter. That's all, Mr. Holmes.

HOLMES: I see. (Begins to read letter) Well, my dear lady, neither you nor Lady Barton has given me much material on which to work at present.

MISS DE VINNE: I am willing to answer any questions, Mr. Holmes.

HOLMES: You live in Bayswater, Miss Winnie?

WATSON: (Whispering) "De Vinne," Holmes.

HOLMES: (Ignoring WATSON) You said Bayswater, I think, Miss Winnie?

MISS DE VINNE: Quite right, Mr. Holmes, but-forgive me, my name is de Vinne.

HOLMES: I'm sorry, Miss Dwinney- MISS DE VINNE: De Vinne, Mr. Holmes, D ... E ... V ...

HOLMES: How stupid of me. I think the chill I caught last week must have left a little deafness behind it. But to save further stupidity on my part, just write your name and address for me, will you? (Hands her pen and paper, on which MISS DE VINNE writes) That's better. Now, tell me, Miss de Vinne, how do you find Bayswater for shopping?

MISS DE VINNE: (Surprised) Oh, I don't know. Mr. Holmes, I hardly- HOLMES: You don't care for Whiteley's, for instance?

MISS DE VINNE: Well, not very much. But I can't see ...

HOLMES: I entirely agree with you, Miss de Vinne. Yet Watson, you know, is devoted to that place-spends hours there ...

WATSON: Holmes, what nonsense are you- HOLMES: But I think you are quite right, Miss de Vinne. Harrod's is a great deal better in my opinion.

MISS DE VINNE: But I never go to Harrod's, Mr. Holmes, in fact I hardly ever go to any big store, except for one or two things. But what has this got to do- HOLMES: Well, in principle, I don't care for them much either, but they're convenient sometimes.

MISS DE VINNE: Yes, I find the Army and Navy stores useful now and then, but why on earth are we talking about shops and stores when the thing that matters is Lady Barton's necklace?

HOLMES: Ah, yes, I was coming to that. (Pauses) I'm sorry, Miss de Vinne, but I'm afraid I can't take up this case.

MISS DE VINNE: You refuse, Mr. Holmes?

HOLMES: I am afraid I am obliged to do so. It is a case that would inevitably take some time. I am in sore need of a holiday and only today my devoted friend Watson has made all arrangements to take me on a Mediterranean cruise immediately after Christmas.

WATSON: Holmes, this is absurd. You know that I merely- MISS DE VINNE: Dr. Watson, if Mr. Holmes can't help me, won't you? You don't know how terrible all this is for me as well as for Lady Barton.

WATSON: My dear lady, I have some knowledge of my friend's methods and they often seem incomprehensible. Holmes, you can't mean this?

HOLMES: Certainly I do, my dear Watson. But I am unwilling that any lady should leave this house in a state of distress. (Goes to door) Mrs. Hudson!

MRS. HUDSON: Coming, sir. (MRS. HUDSON enters) HOLMES: Mrs. Hudson, be good enough to conduct this lady to Dr. Watson's dressing room. She is tired and a little upset. Let her rest on the sofa there while Dr. Watson and I have a few minutes' quiet talk.

MRS. HUDSON: Very good, sir.

(Exeunt MRS. HUDSON and MISS DE VINNE, the latter looking appealingly at DR. WATSON) HOLMES: (Lighting cherry-wood pipe) Well, Watson?

WATSON: Well, Holmes, in all my experience I don't think I have ever seen you so unaccountably ungracious to a charming girl.

HOLMES: Oh, yes, she has charm, Watson-they always have. What do you make of her story?

WATSON: Not very much, I confess. It seemed fairly clear as far as it went, but you wouldn't let her tell us any detail. Instead, you began a perfectly ridiculous conversation about the comparative merits of various department stores. I've seldom heard you so inept.

HOLMES: Then you accept her story?

WATSON: Why not?

HOLMES: Why not, my dear Watson? Because the whole thing is a parcel of lies.

WATSON: But, Holmes, this is unreasoning prejudice.

HOLMES: Unreasoning, you say? Listen, Watson. This letter purports to have come from the Countess of Barton. I don't know her Ladys.h.i.+p's handwriting, but I was struck at once by its labored character, as exhibited in this note. It occurred to me, further, that it might be useful to obtain a specimen of Miss de Vinne's to put alongside it-hence my tiresome inability to catch her name. Now, my dear Watson, I call your particular attention to the capital B's which happen to occur in both specimens.

WATSON: They're quite different, Holmes, but-yes, they've both got a peculiar curl where the letter finishes.

HOLMES: Point No. 1, my dear Watson, but an isolated one. Now, although I could not recognize the handwriting, I knew this notepaper as soon as I saw and felt it. Look at the watermark, Watson, and tell me what you find.

WATSON: (Holding the paper to the light) A. and N. (After a pause) Army and Navy ... Why, Holmes, d'you mean that- HOLMES: I mean that this letter was written by your charming friend in the name of the Countess of Barton.

WATSON: And what follows?

HOLMES: Ah, that is what we are left to conjecture. What will follow immediately is another interview with the young woman who calls herself Violet de Vinne. By the way, Watson, after you had finished threatening me with that nasty-looking revolver a little while ago, what did you do with the instrument?

WATSON: It's here, Holmes, in my pocket.

HOLMES: Then, having left my own in my bedroom, I think I'll borrow it, if you don't mind.

WATSON: But surely, Holmes, you don't suggest that- HOLMES: My dear Watson, I suggest nothing-except that we may possibly find ourselves in rather deeper waters than Miss de Vinne's charm and innocence have hitherto led you to expect. (Goes to door) Mrs. Hudson, ask the lady to be good enough to rejoin us.

MRS. HUDSON: (Off) Very good, sir.

(Enter MISS DE VINNE) HOLMES: (Amiably) Well, Miss de Vinne, are you rested?

MISS DE VINNE: Well, a little perhaps, but as you can do nothing for me, hadn't I better go?

HOLMES: You look a little flushed, Miss de Vinne; do you feel the room rather too warm?

MISS DE VINNE: No, Mr. Holmes, thank you, I- HOLMES: Anyhow, won't you slip your coat off and- MISS DE VINNE: Oh no, really. (Gathers coat round her) HOLMES: (Threateningly) Then, if you won't take your coat off, d'you mind showing me what is in the right-hand pocket of it? (A look of terror comes on MISS DE VINNE'S face) The game's up, Violet de Vinne. (Points revolver, at which MISS DE VINNE screams and throws up her hands) Watson, oblige me by removing whatever you may discover in the right-hand pocket of Miss de Vinne's coat.

WATSON: (Taking out note-case) My own note-case, Holmes, with the ten five-pound notes in it!

HOLMES: Ah!

MISS DE VINNE: (Distractedly) Let me speak, let me speak. I'll explain everything.

HOLMES: Silence! Watson, was there anything else in the drawer of your dressing table besides your note-case?

WATSON: I'm not sure, Holmes.

HOLMES: Then I think we had better have some verification.

MISS DE VINNE: No, no. Let me- HOLMES: Mrs. Hudson!

MRS. HUDSON: (Off) Coming, sir.

HOLMES: (To MRS. HUDSON off) Kindly open the right-hand drawer of Dr. Watson's dressing table and bring us anything that you may find in it.

MISS DE VINNE: Mr. Holmes, you are torturing me. Let me tell you everything.

HOLMES: Your opportunity will come in due course, but in all probability before a different tribunal. I am a private detective, not a Criminal Court judge. (MISS DE VINNE weeps) (Enter MRS. HUDSON with jewel case) MRS. HUDSON: I found this, sir. But it must be something new that the doctor's been buying. I've never seen it before. (MRS. HUDSON leaves) HOLMES: Ah, Watson, more surprises! (Opens case and holds up a string of pearls) The famous pearls belonging to the Countess of Barton, if I'm not mistaken.