A Day Late And A Dollar Short Part 46

"She was just curious," Paris say back.

My big Baby Girl sho' look pretty in yellow. "You know what, Janelle, you sho' look pretty in yellow."

She look surprised to hear me say this.

"As a matter of fact, all three of you girls look lovely. And, son, you looking healthy, and I'm proud of what you doing with yourself these days. That's all I wanna say. No it ain't. Paris. I want you to know how much I respect what you doing with my grandson and with your own life. And you, too, Charlotte. 'Cause if it wasn't for you people wouldn't be able to get they mail. You been through a lot, Baby Girl, and I'm proud of the way you handling it. Vy always said you kids was as smart as they come. I feel blessed to be y'all's daddy and I'm sorry I wasn't able to spend as much dine with you as I wanted to when y'all was little, but I'm here now. Is that all right?"

"It's all right, Daddy," each one of 'em say together. It's all right.

"Now, why don't y'all go on and read your letters?"

n.o.body don't say nothing.

"Okay, see what I mean? Now, I'm trying not to run the show here, but n.o.body's opening their mouth. So who wants to go first?" Paris asks, looking at Charlotte. Everybody's holding a letter.

Don't n.o.body say nothing again until Charlotte point to Paris. "Since you the oldest, why don't you go first?"

"Okay, I will," Paris say, and put on some gla.s.ses. I didn't know she wore gla.s.ses.

"Dear Charlotte: "I hope you ain't still mad at me cause I ain't mad at you. It ain'tgon' take me all day to say what I gotta say, so please pay attention. All my life I tried to show each one of you that I loved you. I did it the best way I knew how but sometimes as a parent it's hard to tell when one child might need a little more attention and affection than the other ones. Trying to keep four kids and a husband happy, warm, full and clean, sometimes you don't notice which one that is. That's what happened to you. I didn't notice, and it just dawned on me that that's all you been trying to do with all your theatrics and what have you, is to get me to notice. I understand it now, and hope it ain't too late to say I alway s n oticed everything about you, and I'm just sorry for not letting you know it, and just how much joy you brought me. Charlotte, I'm sorry if / didn't make you feel like you was something special, cause you was. Your light always s.h.i.+ned bright but I guess since we had four' lights glowing at the same time, sometimes it felt like y'all was just one big bulb. But do me a favor, don't take it out on your sisters and brother, cause it ain't they fault. And especially Paris. It was me who put her on that pedestal, but it was pure selfishness on my part cause I needed her to help me with y'all littler ones. I'm sorry if doing this made you feel like you didn't measure up to her but you did, Charlotte. And still do. If I could go back and do this all over again I would hug you a little more, kiss you more, let you sit on my lap as long as you wanted to and pay attention to every word of your long boring book reports, (smile) I'd listen to you take all day to memorize your five-line Easter piece. I'd watch you do the hop- skip-and-jump a million times if that's what it would take for you to know what a amazing child you was. But I can't go back, Charlotte. So for now on please try to understand that you been getting mad at the wrong folks. Ain't n.o.body in this family trying to hurt you. n.o.body. So soften up a little bit. Let the sweet part of you come back out and share it. Please stop cussing so much. Of course you got it from me but it don't become you and it didn't become me. I also wanna apologize for talking like I wasn't educated, but I wasn't. Please teach my granddaughters how to act like young ladies and make them go to college. And get Monique off that d.a.m.n medicine cause that stuff ain't doing nothing but messing-"

"I did, Mama," Charlotte blurt right out. "And you right. She's been getting all As and Bs since I took her off that mess, and even her teachers notice how much more alert she is." And then it's like she catch herself or something, and she say, "Sorry, y'all. Didn't mean to interrupt."

"Way to go, Monique," Paris says.

"Right on," Janelle says.

"All our kids is smart, if y'all ain't noticed," Lewis say to the fire, and then throw another log in it.

"Okay. Quiet, please! We're only on the first letter. May I continue?" But Paris don't wait for no answer.

". . . doing nothing but messing up her young brain. Please make them read books and not just magazines. Take them to the library and make them stay out that d.a.m.n mirror so much. They can't get no prettier. And pretty ain't enough no more. Make sure they know that. And please try a little harder to accept the fact that your son is gay and don't make him feel bad about it. We all have to learn to accept people for who they are and not who we want them to be, Charlotte. Just think about what other people might be feeling before you criticize them, and forgive them when they make mistakes. Because everybody do. Including you. So forgive your husband. Forgive everybody that don't do exactly what you think they should do when you think they should be doing it. Ain't n.o.body perfect. And, Charlotte, learn how to be happy. And then get used to it. I don't care if you work at the post office for the rest of your life. Be proud of yourself for doing something constructive. The only person you need to impress and compete with is Charlotte. I been impressed. Kiss my grandkids for me, and try using a speaker phone so you won't be able to hang up in n.o.body's face no more! (smile) I'm gon' miss you, Miss Black America, cause that's what me and Paris used to call you when you was little. We always knew you had what it took. Why you think Paris used to love combing your hair? Telling you how to act. And who you think was showing her? Even when you was a baby and fell off the kitchen counter, who you think it was that ran to pick you up and rubbed cocoa b.u.t.ter on your scar which is why you ain't got one on your forehead to this day? We had dreams of you being on TPf wearing a crown, cause Paris always said she wished she was as pretty as you, and she wasn't jealous, she was just proud to be your sister. I love you, and don't forget it. Now put that in your pipe and smoke it!

"Love, "Your Mother "(PS. If you ever hit that d.a.m.n lottery please give my share to your daddy. He could probably use it. A few dollars to your brother would be nice, but only if he ain't drinking.) "

Charlotte's a goner. But I don't thank we should say nothing to her right now. She need to feel this. All of it. I just hope she can tell by how quiet it is in here that we all on her side. All of us is wiping our eyes on our sleeves, so I go grab a handful of napkins off the bar and hand one to everybody. I keep one for myself. I go grab a handful of napkins off the bar and hand one to everybody. I keep one for myself.

"I can't read mine right now. Lewis, can you go? Please?" Charlotte say this with a softness I ain't heard since she was a little girl. When I look at her, I'm wondering if I wasn't too harsh with her on the phone. I was mean. And I know it. Now I'm thanking maybe it felt like I was just one more person who didn't care or didn't understand how she felt.

"All right, then," Lewis say, "I'll go."

"May j, 1994 "DearJanelle: "I know you probably think I'ma light into your a.s.s about George but you done been through enough over that sorry son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h, and I'm hoping that by the time you read this he'll be sucking lifesavers in a cell. He gon' get his. G.o.d will see to it, but I don't wanna waste another drop of my precious energy talking about him, so I'm skipping the subject. I want you to know how proud I am that you finally took a stand. You always been so wishy-washy, Janelle, and I ain't ashamed to say it, cause it's true and you know it. You different. And even though all of us kinda make fun of some of the s.h.i.+t you do I hope you know we don't mean no harm by it. I just don't know no black people that go to psychics and get people to deal some cards to tell you s.h.i.+t you already know. What really baffles me is why you keep going back. And how much do this mess cost? Do you ever get any answers to your problems or do they just generalize? I also don't know too many folks who celebrate every single holiday by putting all kinda s.h.i.+t out in they yard like you do, but the one thing I have always liked and loved about you, Janelle, is that you did the s.h.i.+t anyway. You didn't really give a d.a.m.n who laughed at your big bunnies or your groundhogs or even them inflatable secretaries sitting at a real typewriter on your front porch, which was pus.h.i.+ng it, but I didn't wanna say nothing, not to mention all them flags flapping in the wind and folks not knowing which country you from, but you didn't care, did you, baby? You did it cause you enjoyed doing it and because it was your way of being creative. The same goes for all them college cla.s.ses you been taking for the last fifteen years. You speak like you educated even if you ain't got no degree and I love hearing you and Shanice talk cause y'all speak English the way it was meant to be spoke. I want you to know that everybody that graduate from college ain't smart, so please don't feel bad about that, Janelle. It's some very stupid educated people in the world, cause ij it wasn't, don't you think the world would be in better shape than it is? Think about it. But not right now. The point I'm trying to make is this: all these years you been trying to figure out where your place is, where you fit in, what you can do that's gon' make you successful, I don't think you realize you probably already found it. Look in your garage! It's full of all kinda stuff. Look in your house. All them ruffles and ridges and s.h.i.+t should tell you a thing or two, like maybe you should be doing something where you can putz around and make things pretty, as corny as some of it is, but h.e.l.l, it's a lotta people out here just like you who love corny stuff Plus, some of the things you make are downright pretty. So think about it. And stop judging your success by everybody elses. Appreciate the talent you got and work from there. Make a good living, don't live to make it big. Happiness ain't got no Ph . D. or no certain amount of zeroes behind it. Have some fun. Pretend like the rest of your life is a emergency and you might find a whole lotta happiness right now, which is all I want for you and your sisters and brother. I ain't got too much else to say, other than please don't run and try to find a replacement for George. You can survive without a man, baby, believe me. And let one pick you this time. And be picky. Do a background check if you have to. Please take good care of my granddaughter cause she gon' have some problems. She gon' have some rough times and I hope you know she gon' need somebody who specialize in this problem but try to make sure you get somebody that's been through it theyself and didn't learn how to cope from no book. Help her learn to be comfortable with herself. Help her understand that this was not her fault and try to get her to realize that George was just one sick man, that most men ain't like him. Tell her there's some Cecils in the world, cause your daddy is a good man. Oh yeah, and y'all try to accept Brenda. She ain't taking my place, she just picking up where I left off, and ain't nothing wrong with that. Anyway, I'm cooking some chili for me and Shanice and I think it might be sticking. Hey! Maybe you should learn how to become a psychic? I saw a few ads in the back of my Star or Globe, where you can go to school to learn this stuff. Even shuffling them tarak cards. Seem like they make d.a.m.n good money and pick they own hours. I don't know about benefits but think about it. h.e.l.l, this way you can predict your own d.a.m.n future. How about that?

"hove, "Mom "(P. S. Janelle, I been meaning to tell you this for years. Get a new hairstyle cause the one you been wearing for the past five years done played out.)"

Now everybody is cracking up. Even Charlotte. This is good. This is real good.

"Thank you, Mania!" Janelle yell at the top of her lungs.

"Okay, I'm ready now," Charlotte say. "And Mama's right about the hair, Janelle."

"Shut up, I heard her. It seems only fair that I should read Lewis's letter to him now. What do you think, Daddy?"

"I ain't in it. I'm loving every minute of this. h.e.l.l, it seem like Viola right in here with us. Maybe we should just ask her."

"WHO SHOULD GO NEXT, MAMA?!" Janelle scream while pus.h.i.+ng Charlotte against the couch, and she starts reading anyway.

"April 13, 1994 "Dear Lewis: "I hope you outta jail if you reading this the way I asked y'all to read it, but I ain't heard from you all day and you know d.a.m.n well it's my birthday. I know what this mean if I ain't heardfrom you. Was you in jail today, Lewis? I hope you ain't done finally killed somebody driving drunk. I pray that ain't the case. You been lucky so far. Well, maybe not lucky. But anyway, Lewis, even though you done had problems dealing with your problems these past ten or fifteen years, I still wish I woulda had two more of you cause you got a heart of gold, and you ain't got no qualms when it come to showing yourfeelings like a lotta men do. More women should love you, but that ain't what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell you that I know why you didn't wanna go to Squirrel and Boogar'sfuneral. That it's been bothering you all these years, but let me tell you something: they probably in h.e.l.l for what they did. But it's okay. Folks do terrible things to other folks and then you the one who suffer while they off dead somewhere. That ain't meant to be no joke, even though I'm chuckling-"

"Excuse me for interrupting, Baby Girl, but what did your cousins do to you, Lewis?"

"We know," Paris says.

"We've known for years," Janelle says.

"How come y'all never let me know you knew?" Lewis say.

" 'Cause we didn't want you to feel uncomfortable or feel any shame or embarra.s.sment about us having this knowledge. Plus, at the time Mama found out, she went straight to Aunt Priscilla and Uncle Julian, but of course they didn't believe her, so she told the police and they kept an eye on them both undl they finally got caught doing more wrong. Karma is Law. So-may I finish?"

"Wait," Paris says. "There's nothing for you to be ashamed of, Lewis, and we don't ever have to mention this again if you don't want us to."

"Thanks, sisters. And if you ain't figured it out by now, Daddy, I'll tell you later."

"That won't be necessary. But I'm here, if you wanna talk to me about it."

"Okay!" And Janelle start reading again: "/ left here worrying about you cause I don't want you to spend the rest of your life in pain, trying to drink your way to happiness. You ain't gon 'find it that way, baby, and you know it. Have it worked so far? h.e.l.l no. That's why your a.s.s always end up in jail. You got a disease and you act like you don't know it which is why you do dumb s.h.i.+t when everybody know you smart. Don't you remember what your IQ is, or was? They was genius numbers, boy. I raised you to know the difference between s.h.i.+t and s.h.i.+nola so grow up, be a man, and do whatever it take to get yourself together. Stop drinking altogether. Not even a beer every now and then cause beer is still booze. Go to AA on a regular basis. Going to church wouldn't hurt either. I didn't write this letter to preach. But. Do something with your son. I don't care if you ain't got a thousand dollars to send out there, just send something and do something before he grown and don't give a flying f.u.c.k if you live or die. That's how it happen, Lewis, believe me. You had a daddy but you don't even know Cecil, do you? Try to get to know him before he join me? It ain't too late, you know. And watch over your sisters. You they only brother. Be strong for them, like they been trying to be for you. And I want you to know that the only reason they b e p issed off at you all the time is cause they love you and know how smart you are too. They always wanted more for you. Not the life you got. They want to see you live better. They want to see you happy, and the s.h.i.+t you been doing disappoints them, but probably not n.o.body more than it do you. Don't kill yourself trying to do everything at once. Take your time. Take one step at a time. Do something with them inventions you been telling me about for years. Put your f.u.c.king money where your mouth is. And find yourself a good woman. Not them ones you meet in bars. Leave them wh.o.r.es right there on them bar stools. Or, learn how to be by your G.o.dd.a.m.n self till you got something good to offer a woman besides what's between your legs. Men always think that's enough, but believe me, baby, it ain't. I'ma be watching you and I want you to know that I'ma be your biggest cheerleader. Know that. So Sis- boom-ba!

"Love, "Mom "(PS. Please don't drive until you get your license back and go to the doctor and get some real medicine for your arthritis or you gon' be cripple by the time you forty. And a little exercise, like walking, wouldn't kill you. Of course I tried it, but just cause it didn't work for me don't mean it won't do you no good. Oh! Watch Oprah Winfrey sometime. She'll make you feel good even when you depressed. Four o'clock on Channel 4. Tape it if you ain't gon' be home. You do have a VCR, don't you?)"

Janelle fold up his letter and then get up and hand it to him, but Lewis got his head down. She put her hand on his shoulder and then kiss the top of his head. "It's okay, Lewis," she say.

And he just nod his head up and down and say, "I know. I know."

"It's on me now," Charlotte says, "so sit your b.u.t.t back down and listen. Wait. Y'all is ... I mean, has everybody been paying attention to the dates on Mama's letters?"

"Yep," Lewis say. "Mine was pretty obvious."

"She wrote mine right after we left Vegas," Janelle say.

"Well, mine is dated the day she left," I say.

"The day she left to go where?" Janelle ask, and then, I guess before somebody get a chance to say a word, she say, "Strike that. I didn't mean it. know exactly what you meant, Daddy. Sorry. Go ahead, Charlotte. Wher was Paris's written?"

Charlotte looks down. "Hers got two dates on it. Just the months March and April 1994. Okay, can I start today?"

"Wait a minute. I wanna take this sweater off," Lewis say. "I'm burning up."

Everybody watch him, and I just wanna see if he got on a unders.h.i.+rt or not. He do. But if Vy was here I know she would s.n.a.t.c.h it off his back and go soak it in some light bleach water, 'cause that thang so dingy it look light gray. "Okay," he say.

"Wait a minute!" Now Janelle got two cents to throw in. "I forgot to tell you that when we finish we're going to draw names."

"Oh, yeah," Paris say.

"For Christmas. The four of us will draw a name and we have to make each other a handmade gift. The kids'll do the same thing, except they can buy theirs, but they can't spend more than ten dollars. Tops. And they absolutely positively have to reach the person on or before Christmas Eve- got that, Charlotte?"

"I heard you! And don't worry. Mine will be on time."

"One more thing," Lewis say like he deep in thought again. "This may sound stupid to y'all, but, speaking of Christmas, this will be the first one we can't send our mama a card, but I was thinking that maybe we still should."

"What?" Janelle ask.

"What I'm saying is, we can still send her cards for Christmas, her birthday, and Mother's Day, like we always did."

"And send 'em where?" Charlotte ask.

"To heaven, where else? Just don't put our return address on the envelope. This way we can keep her posted on what's going on in our life."

"I like that idea," Paris says.

"Me, too," Janelle says, now that it sunk in.

"I couldn't agree more," Charlotte says. "Right on, Lewis. Brilliant idea.

Now, sit your behinds down so I can read this. I wanna hurry up, 'cause it feels like it's almost time for round two for the grub. I'm reading right now, so everybody shut up.

"March 1994, April 1, 1994 "Dear Paris: "I don't know who told you that you had to be perfect when you grew up. It wasn't nie was it? I hope to h.e.l.l not, cause if I did, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Or maybe it's just cause you was the oldest you just felt like you had to set a good example for everybody else, was that it? My heart been breaking watching you trying to do everything right, trying to get everything just so. You do a d.a.m.n good job of it, but it's a hard act to keep up, ain't it? I see the answer when I look at you. It's the reason why you sneak and take them pills that I know d.a.m.n well ain't no Advil. I remember Liz Taylor got addicted to some pills, too, and I betcha that's what's happening to you. I betcha you don't believe it though, do you? I betcha you think you too d.a.m.n smart to get strung out on some pills, don't you?"

"Hold it. Wait a minute here," Charlotte says. "What she mean, strung out? I know you ain't strung out on no pills, are you, Paris?"

"To put it bluntly, yes. Was. I got addicted to painkillers and just got off of them a couple of months ago."

"Is that what you've been popping all this time?" Janelle say. "I didn't know those things were addicting."

"It ain't no crime," Lewis b.u.t.t in. "She human just like everybody else."

"Well, did that spa help you, baby?" I ask.

"It was rehab, Daddy. I only told you guys about the spa because it was right next door. I spent four days at both places."

"How'd this happen?" Charlotte's asking. "And how come you didn't tell us?"

"There's a whole lot of reasons."

"We listening," Charlotte say.

"I don't want to get into it now. . . ."

"Get into it," Charlotte says.

"Yes, do," Janelle says. "Your letter's right here and it'll wait a minute or two." "Okay, well, this is just how I feel, I'm not saying it's true, but, being tht oldest, I've always felt like everybody was always looking up to me, and I don't think I ever really felt ent.i.tled to make mistakes. And when I did, I kept them to myself, because it was embarra.s.sing. And I didn't want you guys to think of me as a failure or not being able to hack it. Everybody expected me to be in control, even Mama, so I just got good at faking it. A few trips to the dentist later, I got something that made it easier to cope. I got tired of always being asked to do everything. Tired of coming up with all the answers. And I got tired trying to help solve everybody else's problems but didn't know where to turn when I needed help solving mine."

"What you think we here for?" Charlotte says.

"You haven't 'been' here for a long time, Charlotte, and that's the reason I'm glad we're here now. We used to all be tight. Close. Like sisters. And brother. But somewhere along the line we all went our separate ways and became estranged-not strangers, but distant. I feel like I've been out on an island with no boat. I mean, my son got a girl pregnant and I was scared to tell you guys because Dingus is supposed to be such a good kid, and he is, but he's not perfect, and neither am I."

"Who's pregnant?" Janelle asks.

"n.o.body now. It was Jade."

"That preacher's daughter?" Charlotte ask.

"Yes."

"Them's the one who give it up the most after being in church all day and locked up in the house all night," Charlotte say. "But, anyway, you can call me for now on, you got that?"

"I got it."

"I got a phone," Lewis say. "And it won't be getdng cut off any rime soon."

"Okay," Janelle says. "But I want to know if you still crave those things."

"I have my moments."

"Don't give into it," Lewis says. "It's just a trick, believe me."

"I won't," Paris say, and she look so relieved. That same softness seem to done spread across her face, too. When she lean back against the couch, her shoulders look like they just drop.

"Okay, I'm reading again!" Charlotte yell.

"I betcha you think you too smart for a whole lotta s.h.i.+t, don't you, Paris? But let me tell you something you should know by now: ain't no pill in the world can make you feel better from the inside. Ain't no pill gon' make you hurry up and live. Ain't no pill gon' stop you from feeling lonely or take the place of a good f.u.c.king o.r.g.a.s.m neither. Yeah, I said it. And meant it. So stop fooling yourself. If you can't throw them things in the trash and go on about your business, then go somewhere and let somebody help you get off 'em. And don't be too proud. You ain't done nothing wrong except be human. You are human, Paris, in case you don't know it. I pray to G.o.d that you stop trying to be Supertvoman. You can't be everything to everybody. Can't always be a perfect mother and perfect wife and perfect cook and perfect caterer and a perfect woman. This is something I been wanting to tell you for years: you ain't gotta be perfect at every-d.a.m.n-thing. Do something half-a.s.s. Let the s.h.i.+t stick to the pan and burn. Being mediocre ain't no crime. I been mediocre all my d.a.m.n life and I think I did all right. Stop thinking you gotta save the whole G.o.dd.a.m.n world. Save your-d.a.m.n-self. Lord knows I apologize for begging you to do that TV show. To h.e.l.l with cooking meals on television can't n.o.body but you make, no way. I just wanted to see you on TV, that's all. Anyway, I'm sorry for expecting so much from you. You done did so much for me and right this minute I'm clicking my teeth together cause they fit perfect. Thank you for these dentures. Thank you for my condo and my car and my cruise. Did I get to go on my cruise? Even if I didn't, I'm cruising now, baby, believe me. Oh! Do this for me. Sleep with somebody just cause the spirit move you. You ain't gotta wait till you in love. Otherwise, you might dry up. Them days of waiting for the phone to ring is long gone. Act like a man. You see somebody you like, talk to him. Ask him out on a date, and even if he reject you, f.u.c.k him. Ask somebody else. And keep on asking. As for my grandson? Tell him my choice is USC or Stanford. But he can go wherever he wants to go, just as long as it's a university. And when he throw that first touchdown pa.s.s on nationwide TV, tell him to look directly at that camera and blow his granny a big sloppy kiss and I'll get it. Yes indeedy. I love you back to back. Know that.

"Your Foxy Mom "(PS. I forgot. I bet money that if Nathan show up at my funeral, it'll I cause his s.h.i.+t ain't raggedy no more and he gon' try to weasel his way back int you and his son's life. If and when he do, slap him for me and tell him to kec stepping. He had his chance to be a daddy and he blew it. So f.u.c.k Itim and th horse he ride in on. Unless of course Dingus feel like being bothered with him What else? Oh yeah. If Lewis ever get his driver's license back, let him have mj car, but tell him don't take my little felt dog whose head shakes back and fortl out the back window. I like that dog. Oh. And one more thing. It wouldn't kil you to join a health club or start jogging. I know you think you cute, but you ain't that cute. You was looking like you was in your first trimester the last time I saw you and your a.s.s was on its way somewhere else. All three of you girls ain't nothing but younger versions of me, except I was s.e.xier and better looking, but you didn't hear that from me, now did you?)"

Now Paris the one who done lost it. Everybody have. Including me, again. I'm surprised when Charlotte walk over to Paris, grab both her hands and pull her to her feet, give her a big hug, then push her away and hauls off and slap the taste outta her, but Paris look like she was waiting for it, 'cause then she turn right around arid slap the living daylights right back outta Charlotte, and then they put they arms around each other again and cry rill they lips is trembling and they turn into smiles, and then the other kids join in, and the next thang I know, everybody laughing like somebody just told a good joke. I join all four of 'em.

My babies. My kids. My grown-up children.

I hear Chanterella crying through the door.

"Come on in, Brenda, since you're family now, too!" Paris yell out.

But that door don't open.

"I want to ask whose house will Thanksgiving be at next year, but I won't, because I'm trying not to be pushy and controlling, which is why I'll just sit here and chill and wait for somebody else to ask."

She look around the room and don't n.o.body say nothing, 'cause everybody acting like they don't hear her.