The Comedies of William Congreve Part 17

ARAM. Why, what's the matter?

BELIN. Oh the most inhuman, barbarous hackney-coach! I am jolted to a jelly. Am I not horribly touzed? [_Pulls out a pocket-gla.s.s_.]

ARAM. Your head's a little out of order.

BELIN. A little! O frightful! What a furious phiz I have! O most rueful! Ha, ha, ha. O Gad, I hope n.o.body will come this way, till I have put myself a little in repair. Ah! my dear, I have seen such unhewn creatures since. Ha, ha, ha. I can't for my soul help thinking that I look just like one of 'em. Good dear, pin this, and I'll tell you--very well--so, thank you, my dear--but as I was telling you--pish, this is the untowardest lock--so, as I was telling you--how d'ye like me now?

Hideous, ha? Frightful still? Or how?

ARAM. No, no; you're very well as can be.

BELIN. And so--but where did I leave off, my dear? I was telling you--

ARAM. You were about to tell me something, child, but you left off before you began.

BELIN. Oh; a most comical sight: a country squire, with the equipage of a wife and two daughters, came to Mrs. Snipwel's shop while I was there--but oh Gad! two such unlicked cubs!

ARAM. I warrant, plump, cherry-cheeked country girls.

BELIN. Ay, o' my conscience, fat as barn-door fowl: but so bedecked, you would have taken 'em for Friesland hens, with their feathers growing the wrong way. O such outlandish creatures! Such Tramontanae, and foreigners to the fas.h.i.+on, or anything in practice! I had not patience to behold. I undertook the modelling of one of their fronts, the more modern structure--

ARAM. Bless me, cousin; why would you affront anybody so? They might be gentlewomen of a very good family--

BELIN. Of a very ancient one, I dare swear, by their dress. Affront!

pshaw, how you're mistaken! The poor creature, I warrant, was as full of curtsies, as if I had been her G.o.dmother. The truth on't is, I did endeavour to make her look like a Christian--and she was sensible of it, for she thanked me, and gave me two apples, piping hot, out of her under- petticoat pocket. Ha, ha, ha: and t'other did so stare and gape, I fancied her like the front of her father's hall; her eyes were the two jut-windows, and her mouth the great door, most hospitably kept open for the entertainment of travelling flies.

ARAM. So then, you have been diverted. What did they buy?

BELIN. Why, the father bought a powder-horn, and an almanac, and a comb- case; the mother, a great fruz-towr, and a fat amber necklace; the daughters only tore two pairs of kid-leather gloves, with trying 'em on.

O Gad, here comes the fool that dined at my Lady Freelove's t'other day.

SCENE IX.

[_To them_] SIR JOSEPH _and_ BLUFFE.

ARAM. May be he may not know us again.

BELIN. We'll put on our masks to secure his ignorance. [_They put on their masks_.]

SIR JO. Nay, Gad, I'll pick up; I'm resolved to make a night on't. I'll go to Alderman Fondlewife by and by, and get fifty pieces more from him.

Adslidikins, bully, we'll wallow in wine and women. Why, this same Madeira wine has made me as light as a gra.s.shopper. Hist, hist, bully, dost thou see those tearers? [_Sings_.] Look you what here is--look you what here is--toll--loll--dera--toll--loll--agad, t'other gla.s.s of Madeira, and I durst have attacked 'em in my own proper person, without your help.

BLUFF. Come on then, knight. But do you know what to say to them?

SIR JO. Say: pooh, pox, I've enough to say--never fear it--that is, if I can but think on't: truth is, I have but a treacherous memory.

BELIN. O frightful! cousin, what shall we do? These things come towards us.

ARAM. No matter. I see Vainlove coming this way--and, to confess my failing, I am willing to give him an opportunity of making his peace with me--and to rid me of these c.o.xcombs, when I seem opprest with 'em, will be a fair one.

BLUFF. Ladies, by these hilts you are well met.

ARAM. We are afraid not.

BLUFF. What says my pretty little knapsack carrier. [_To_ BELINDA.]

BELIN. O monstrous filthy fellow! good slovenly Captain Huffe, Bluffe (what is your hideous name?) be gone: you stink of brandy and tobacco, most soldier-like. Foh. [_Spits_.]

SIR JO. Now am I slap-dash down in the mouth, and have not one word to say! [_Aside_.]

ARAM. I hope my fool has not confidence enough to be troublesome.

[_Aside_.]

SIR JO. Hem! Pray, madam, which way is the wind?

ARAM. A pithy question. Have you sent your wits for a venture, sir, that you enquire?

SIR JO. Nay, now I'm in, I can prattle like a magpie. [_Aside_.]

SCENE X.

[_To them_] SHARPER _and_ VAINLOVE _at some distance_.

BELIN. Dear Araminta, I'm tired.

ARAM. 'Tis but pulling off our masks, and obliging Vainlove to know us.

I'll be rid of my fool by fair means.--Well, Sir Joseph, you shall see my face; but, be gone immediately. I see one that will be jealous, to find me in discourse with you. Be discreet. No reply; but away. [_Unmasks_.]

SIR JO. The great fortune, that dined at my Lady Freelove's! Sir Joseph, thou art a made man. Agad, I'm in love up to the ears. But I'll be discreet, and hushed. [_Aside_.]

BLUFF. Nay, by the world, I'll see your face.

BELIN. You shall. [_Unmasks_.]

SHARP. Ladies, your humble servant. We were afraid you would not have given us leave to know you.

ARAM. We thought to have been private. But we find fools have the same advantage over a face in a mask that a coward has while the sword is in the scabbard, so were forced to draw in our own defence.

BLUFF. My blood rises at that fellow: I can't stay where he is; and I must not draw in the park. [_To_ SIR JOSEPH.]

SIR JO. I wish I durst stay to let her know my lodging.

SCENE XI.