Oh! Susannah! Part 16

Plant. _(at door)_ I say, Jack--"a lady in whose case I take the deepest interest!" _(nods towards her)_

Doctor. _(to Flora. as they go out)_ Flo! Speak to me.

Flora. _(going--angry)_ No, I won't speak to you.

Plant. _(as they go out arm in arm, winks at Doctor)_ No, sir, we won't speak to you.

_(Exit with Flora.)_

_(Bell rings.)_

Doctor. _(alone)_ I should like to have that gentleman for a surgical patient! I half wish I hadn't let her go. Those girls are sure to talk about me, and Heaven only knows what they'll say! I wonder if they're really in love with me? No! not likely.

I'm not the sort of fellow girls fall in love with. No girl ever fell in love with me except Flo--dear jealous little Flo! Ah, well, I love her all the more for being so jealous, and I know she loves me. Thank Heaven one woman loves me, and only one.

_(Exit R. I. E..)_

_(Enter Aurora. followed by Aunt.)_

Aurora. This way, mum. The doctor's very busy.

Aunt. _(aside)_ I'm calmer now! _(her lips are set, and she looks anything but calm)_ And I'll make him explain his outrageous conduct, _(crosses right round writing table)_

Aurora. Will you take a chair, mum--and I'll tell the doctor----

Aunt. _(with suppressed indignation)_ Engaged with some poor suffering patient, I presume? _(sits)_

Aurora. _(aside)_ I don't like her tone of voice, _(comes down and looks in her face--aside)_ It's 'im! _(aloud)_ Is the doctor expectin' of you back, or was you took wuss? What's your complaint, eh? _(taps her on the shoulder)_

Aunt. _(indignantly)_ My complaint? _You!_ _(shoves her away)_ Go and tell the doctor that I am here, at once.

Aurora. _(not moving)_ Oh, yuss, if not sooner. What name, eh?

_(same Bus.)_

Aunt. _(loudly)_ No name.

Aurora. _(not moving)_ Oh, the doctor won't see no lady without no name. 'E's very particular.

Aunt. _(with suppressed rage)_ Then tell him Susie-Toosie wants to see him. _(crosses sofa and sits)_

Aurora. Oh! what ho! _(laughing)_ Susie-Toosie--oh, if it's that you needn't wait. Come along, outside. _(tries to pull her out of her chair)_ 'Op it!

_(Enter Doctor. Aurora stops suddenly.)_

Doctor. _(surprised)_ Aurora!

Aurora. _(to him)_ It's Susie-Toosie, sir. _(laughs)_ Come back again.

Doctor. _(laughing)_ So it is. Go on, Aurora. turn it out, that thing's my aunt, _(sings)_ "For she's a jolly good fellow."

_(Bell rings.)_

Aurora. _(leaving go of Aunt)_ Drat that bell, it's spoilt my day.

_(Exit Aurora.)_

Doctor. _(quietly)_ Look here, you merry Andrews take your hair off. _(pulls it)_ Oh, by George!, he has stuck it on tight!

_(pulls it harder)_

Aunt, _(indignantly)_ Sir!

Doctor. Don't put on that silly voice, I know all about you. I'll make him jealous, _(sings)_ "There were two jolly sailor girls from Portsmouth town"--the little one makes eyes at me. But it's the tall one I like, she calls me "dear Jack." Oh, she's _dead gone_ on me. _Her father wants me to marry her._ _(aside)_ That's shut him up! _(aloud)_ And look here, you've got to take your hook. I'm f.a.gged out after my railway journey--I'm going to have a bath before _she_ comes--you know I'm a great believer in the water cure.

_(Takes off his frock coat and throws it down, goes to bath room, turns on hot and cold taps in sight of audience, noise of water flowing into bath.)_

Now, don't sit there looking a silly a.s.s. _(s.h.i.+es something at her at the last word)_

_(Aunt sits facing audience, speechless with indignation.)_

You know you're not a bit like a lady, and n.o.body but a lunatic would take you for one. Hurry up and get some decent togs on, and come back for me at 7:30. Do you hear, you old joker, it's no use keeping it up--

_(Aunt sits motionless.)_

Oh, well, I can't wait, _(undoes his braces)_ But look here, if you don't clear out before _she_ comes I'll break every bone in your body. Au reservoir!

_(Doctor exits into bath-room.)_

Aunt. _(crosses to table)_ And _that_ is my brother's only child! A shameless monster, lost to all sense of decency, and carrying on with _two_ sailor girls! Horrible! But after all, he's my nephew and I must do my duty by him. What is my duty, I wonder? _(comes back and sits on sofa)_ His father was such a gentle soul, and to think that this brutal ruffian is his son.

_(Enter Tupper.)_

Tupper. _(looks round, sees no one, hears splas.h.i.+ng in next room)_ 'E's 'avin' a bath, now's my time for a quiet smoke, _(picks cigarette end oft ash tray)_

Aunt. _(to herself)_ Oh, my poor head!

Tupper. _(starts and comes to her, cigarette in mouth)_ Summat wrong with yer 'ead?

Aunt. Go away, you horrid boy!

Tupper. The doctor'll cure it in a jiffy, take my tip, but 'e's 'avin' a bath just now. You know he's a great believer in the water cure. He says if we 'ad cleaner bodies we'd 'ave cleaner minds--do _you_ 'old with that? I spec he'll give _you_ the water cure. I say--you must pay for it afore you go, 'cos 'e's stoney.

Goes on tick for every think. 'Ave you got a light?

Aunt. Go away!

Tupper. All right, no offence, _(gets match from mantelpiece)_ The doctor could make lots of money if he'd only try, but 'e don't. 'E just lies on that couch all day reading books with 'orrible pictures of people 'aving their arms and legs chopped orf, and such like. _(coming round)_ This is the wust--ain't it blood-curdling? But the lady don't seem to mind--she looks quite calm and peaceful-like, don't she? _(shows Aunt the book)_

Aunt. Take it away, you dreadful boy!

Tupper. All right--keep your 'air on. _(goes up stage)_ 'E's wonderful clever; you should see 'im with these 'ere knives, golly! ain't they sharp! _(trying one)_ 'E'd slice yer up as soon as look at yer, _and yet_ no patients don't come. Why's that? Do you think 'e's too expensive--it's a pound a time.