Oh! Susannah! Part 19

Doctor. _(at settee to Andrew)_ I must apologize for this worn-out attire--I'm always worn out on Friday, my worst day. I wish you'd come _any other day_. No! I don't mean that! I mean I'm awfully glad you've come to-day, but I'm awfully sorry I'm so busy I can't talk to you. No, no! I don't mean that! I mean I'm awfully glad, of course, that I'm so busy I can't talk to you!

No, no, of course I don't mean that--I mean--I don't quite know what I do mean. You see it's Friday--oh! what a fool she must think me! Will you excuse me just two minutes while I settle off a few patients?

_(Trio 1st laugh--Doctor crosses quickly to them.)_

_(aside to them, softly)_ Don't laugh at her! and don't look so beastly healthy! Look pale! Faint! Do _something!_

_(Bus.--Ruby makes a sling for her arm out of her handkerchief.)_

_(crosses quickly back to Aunt)_ I'm so sorry to keep you waiting, my dear aunt; won't you amuse yourself with a book or something? _(goes to couch at back, fetches "Quayle on Muscles,"

comes back quickly to Aunt, opens it)_ Here you are. _(shuts it quickly and s.h.i.+es it down, aside)_ What _do_ ladies read?

_(Crosses quickly to Pearl. who is reading "Pink 'Un," s.n.a.t.c.hes it from her.)_

Thank you very much, _(crosses quickly to Aunt)_ Here you are, aunt, this is a lady's paper! _(gives it to her and runs to Flo at back--aside anxiously)_ I'll explain everything when they've gone! _(loudly, holding her hand)_ Ah! your nerves are run down a little, _(goes to medicine chest)_

_(Trio 2nd laugh.)_

Confound those Plant girls--I'll pay them out! _(flings roll of lint at Pearl. then pours sal volatile from bottle into measuring gla.s.s, then into tumbler, adds a little water--to Flo)_ There!

drink that! You'll soon be better.

_(During this Bus. Pearl picks up roll of lint, puts a bandage round Waverly's face--Ruby steals across stage and kisses Andrew--Doctor turns round just after.)_

Ruby. _(C., confused, comes to table)_ Could you take my case next, doctor? I'm so bad!

Doctor. You are. _(Bus.--with stethoscope)_ I mean--with pleasure! I'll write you a prescription, _(writes)_ I should advise a long voyage with a merry companion.

_(Andrew shakes his fist at Doctor un.o.bserved by him.)_

Better start at once, _(hands her prescription, saying aside)_ Go! _(rings bell on table)_

_(Enter Tupper.)_

Show this lady to her carriage, Tupper.

_(Ruby doesn't move from table.)_

_(aside)_ Go! Go! What are you waiting for?

Ruby. _(aside to him, stifling a laugh)_ My sister, of course.

I'm not going to leave her here, _(crosses C., then on to Andrew)_

Doctor. Pray don't.

_(Doctor rushes at Pearl. who is hobbling across stage on Waverly's walking stick and takes stick from her.)_

_(aside)_ Do you want to give me away to my aunt?

_(then loudly)_ I'll write to your school mistress about you. I think a little physical treatment _locally applied_ _(brandis.h.i.+ng stick)_ will put you right very soon. Good afternoon, _(aside)_ Go! Go! _both_ of you! _(rings bell)_

_(Re-enter Tupper.)_

More carriages for this lady, Tupper. _(to Pearl)_ You needn't wait, little girl.

Pearl. I shall wait for Mr. Vane; and I won't be called a little girl! _(goes to Ruby)_

_(Bell rings.)_

Doctor. _(getting desperate)_ Shall I never get rid of 'em!

_(rushes at Vane and grips him by the arm)_ I'll take you next, sir. _(loudly)_

_(Waverly laughs.)_

Stop that infernal laughing. I know my aunt will see through it soon, _(punches him on back)_

_(Waverly cries out.)_

Ah, it's still there! _(loudly)_ That'll have to come out!

_(punches him harder)_

_(Waverly cries louder.)_

Yes! _(severely)_ We must remove that at once. Step into my operating room.

_(Drags him oft to bath-room--opens door, turns on taps and leaves them running. Waverly runs back to his chair, Doctor runs back after him.)_

Come along, now--be a man! Waver. Not to-day, thank you all the same.

_(Enter Aunt, shown in by Tupper.)_

Aunt. _(C.)_ I'll give him _one last chance_.

Doctor. _(seeing her--rushes at her--aside to her)_ Take 'em off, you fool! She's come! Take 'em off, I say, or I'll take 'em off for you!

_(Andrew starts up and takes his bonnet and wig off.)_

Andrew. _(calls loudly)_ Jack! Jack!

_(Doctor far too preoccupied to hear him, pushes Aunt into bath-room--she falls head foremost into bath, her heels go up--loud splash. Doctor bangs door, turns round, sees Andrew.)_

Doctor. _(aghast)_ Merry Andrew!!!

Andrew. Yes, Dull Boy!

Doctor. Then who's in here? _(opens door)_

TABLEAU.

_(Flo rushes into bath-room and shuts door quickly.)_