Best Short Stories Part 31

THE BOOTBLACK'S GENEROSITY

When Paderewski was on his last visit to America he was in a Boston suburb, when he was approached by a bootblack who called:

"s.h.i.+ne?"

The great pianist looked down at the youth whose face was streaked with grime and said:

"No, my lad, but if you will wash your face I will give you a quarter."

"All right!" exclaimed the youth, who forthwith ran to a neighboring trough and made his ablutions.

When he returned Paderewski held out the quarter, which the boy took but immediately handed back, saying:

"Here, Mister, you take it yourself and get your hair cut."

ON DUTY ELSEWHERE

An Irish soldier had lost an eye in battle, but was allowed to continue in the service on consenting to have a gla.s.s eye in its place. One day, however, he appeared on parade without his artificial eye.

"Nolan," said the officer, "you are not properly dressed. Why is your artificial eye not in its place?"

"Sure, sir," replied Nolan, "I left it in me box to keep an eye on me kit while I'm on parade."

THE KAISER'S LAST WORD

Arthur Train, the novelist, put down a German newspaper at the Century Club, in New York, with an impatient grunt.

"It says here," he explained, "that it is Germany who will speak the last word in this war."

Then the novelist laughed angrily and added:

"Yes, Germany will speak the last word in the war, and that last word will be '_Kamerad!_'"

A REVISED CLa.s.sIC--THE SLEEPING BEAUTY

When the Prince entered the enchanted castle he noticed about it an air of unusual quiet, as if there were a meeting of the American Peace Society.

"Everybody is asleep," he muttered. "There isn't a single defense gun mounted on a parapet. I don't believe there is a rifle on the premises.

No ammunition, either."

Walking rapidly upstairs, he saw a couple of servants lying p.r.o.ne.

"This reminds me of the time I lived in the suburbs," he continued.

Entering one of the sleeping-rooms, he discovered the celebrated beauty, sound asleep, in the four-poster.

"This must be a frame-up," he observed. "I see it all. If I wake her up, I shall have to marry her."

He was about to pa.s.s down the stairs, when a voice stopped him.

"Well, why not?" said the voice. "The young woman has not received a modern education. She cannot drive a motor, play bridge, insist upon your going to the most fas.h.i.+onable restaurant and ordering eight dollars' worth of worthless imitation food, dance like a fiend, and spend money generally like the manager of an international war. She's been asleep so long that she might be just the one you want."

"By Jove!" exclaimed the Prince. "And to think I might have gone off without her!" So saying, he did the proper thing.

SPECIALLY ENDOWED

"Some un sick at yo' house, Mis' Carter?" inquired Lila. "Ah seed de doctah's kyar eroun' dar yestidy."

"It was for my brother, Lila."

"Sho! What's he done got de matter of 'im?"

"n.o.body seems to know what the disease is. He can eat and sleep as well as ever, he stays out all day long on the veranda in the sun, and seems as well as anyone, but he can't do any work at all."

"He cain't--yo' says he cain't work?"

"Not a stroke."

"Law, Mis' Carter, dat ain't no disease what yo' broth' got. Dat's a gif!"

NO JOQUE

The difficulties of western journalism are ill.u.s.trated by the following notice from _The Rocky Mountain Cyclone_:

AD ASTRA PER ASPERA

We begin the publication ov the _Rocy Mountain Cyclone_ with some phew diphiculties in the way. The type phounder phrom whom we bought our outphit phor this printing ophice phailed to supply us with any ephs or cays, and it will be phour or phive weex beph.o.r.e we can get any. We have ordered the missing letters and will have to get along without them until they come. We don't lique the loox ov this variety ov spelling any better than our readers, but mistaix will happen in the best ov regulated phamilies, and iph the ephs and c's and x's and q's hold out we shall ceep (sound the c hard) the _Cyclone_ whirling aphter a phas.h.i.+on till the sorts arrive. It is no joque to us, it's a serious aphair.

ELIMINATION

To meet every situation which arises, and to do it in diplomatic language, is only the gift of the elect:

"Waiter, bring me two fried eggs, some ham, a cup of coffee, and a roll," said a traveler in a city of the Middle West.

"Bring me the same," said his friend, "but eliminate the eggs."

"Yessir," said the waiter.

In a moment he came back, leaned confidentially and penitently over the table, and whispered:

"We 'ad a bad accident just before we opened this mornin', sir, and the 'andle of the liminator got busted off. Will you take yer eggs fried, same as this 'ere gentleman?"