Best Short Stories Part 32

HIS GREAT AMBITION

No true American likes to acknowledge that he has a superior, even in his own family.

Little Sydney had reached the mature age of three and was about to discard petticoats for the more manly raiment of knickerbockers. The mother had determined to make the occasion a memorable one. The breakfast table was laden with good things when the newly breeched infant was led into the room.

"Ah!" exclaimed the proud mother, "now you are a little man!"

Sydney, thoughtfully displaying his garments to their full advantage, edged close to his mother and whispered, "Can I call pa Bill now?"

GUIDE

Our boys in France need little guidance to become on good terms with the French girls. The following hints at conversation have therefore been made as simple as possible:

Bong swah, mad-mwa-zell! Vou zay tray beautiful.

Kesker say votr name?

Zhe swee Edward Jones.

Vooley voo take a walk?

Eecy ate oon fine place to sit down.

Bokoo moon to-night, nace paw?

Avay voo ever studied palmistry?

Donney mwa votr hand.

Votr hand ay tray soft!

Dahn lay Zaytah Unee are bokoo girls, may voo zay more beautiful than any of them.

Chay mwa zhe nay pah seen a girl that could touch voo!

Voo zay oon peach!

Le coleur de votr yer ay tray beautiful.

Votr dress ay bokoo dress.

Donney mwa oon kiss?

Zhe voo zame!

APPREHENDING THE KAISER

Early in the war the Kaiser was haled before a Virginia court. At least that was the intention of Charles L. Zoll, justice of the peace of Broad Run district, Loudoun County, who delivered into the hands of the Sheriff this warrant:

Commonwealth of Virginia, County of Loudoun, to wit:

To the Sheriff of the said county:

Wheras, Woodrow Wilson has this day made oath before me, a justice of said court, that William Hohan Zollern, alias Wilhelm, has at various times and places between July, 1914, and November, 1917, committed murder, a.s.sault, and arson upon the bodies of various people and sundry properties, against the peace and dignity of the Government of the United States, the State of Virginia and Broad Run district in particular.

These are therefore in the name of the Commonwealth of Virginia and the Government of the United States to command you to forthwith apprehend the said William Hohan Zollern, alias Kaiser Wilhelm, and bring his body before me at my office in Aushburn, Va., to answer said charges, and there and then be dealt with according to law.

And by the power vested in me I hereby extend your jurisdiction to the Continent of Europe and I do by these presents declare the said William Hohan Zollern, alias Kaiser Wilhelm, to be an outlaw, and offer as a reward for his apprehension three barrels of corn, five bushels of potatoes and meat of ham, said ham to weigh not less than twenty-one pounds nor more than thirty-five pounds.

And you are moreover required to summon Marshal Joffre, Albert, King of the Belgians; Victor Emanuel of Italy and George V to appear at same time and place as witnesses in behalf of the Commonwealth touching the matter said complaint.

Given under my hand and seal this 28th day of November, 1917.

CHARLES L. ZOLL, Justice of the Peace.

JUSTICE TO T. R.

In the English royal library at Windsor, in the centre of the magazine table, there is a large alb.u.m of pictures of many eminent and popular men and women of the day. This book is divided into sections--a section for each calling or profession. Some years ago Prince Edward, in looking through the book, came across the pages devoted to the pictures of the rulers of the various nations. Prominently placed among these was a large photograph of Colonel Roosevelt.

"Father," asked Prince Edward, placing his finger on the Colonel's picture, "Mr. Roosevelt is a very clever man, isn't he?"

"Yes, child," answered King George with a smile. "He is a great and good man. In some respects I look upon him as a genius."

A few days later, King George, casually glancing through the alb.u.m, noticed that President Roosevelt's photograph had been removed and placed in the section devoted to "Men and Women of the Time." On asking the Prince whether he had removed the picture, the latter solemnly replied: "Yes, sir. You told me the other day that you thought Mr.

Roosevelt a genius, so I took him away from the kings and emperors and put him among the famous people."

HE WAS NOT A PROHIBITIONIST

When the question of America's being prepared for war was uppermost Representative Thomas Heflin, of Alabama, told the following story to ill.u.s.trate his belief that we ought always to be ready:

"There was an old fellow down in north Alabama and out in the mountains; he kept his jug in the hole of a log. He would go down at sundown to take a swig of mountain dew--mountain dew that had never been humiliated by a revenue officer nor insulted by a green stamp. He drank that liquid concoction that came fresh from the heart of the corn, and he glowed.

One evening while he was letting the good liquor trickle down his throat he felt something touch his foot. He looked down and saw a big rattle-snake coiled ready to strike.

"The old fellow took another swig of the corn, and in defiance he swept that snake with his eyes.

"'Strike, dern you, strike, you will never find me better prepared.'"

HE SCORNED THE THOUGHT

The father of a certain charming girl is well known in this town as "a very tight old gentleman." When dad recently received a young man, who for some time had been "paying attention" to the daughter, it was the old gentleman who made the first observation:

"Huh! So you want to marry my daughter, eh?"

"Yes, sir; very much, indeed."

"Um--let me see. Can you support her in the style to which she has been accustomed?"

"I can, sir," said the young man, "but I am not mean enough to do it."

RIVALRY

A young American artist who has just returned from a six months' job of driving a British ambulance on the war front in Belgium brings this back straight from the trenches: "One cold morning a sign was pushed up above the German trench facing ours, only about fifty yards away, which bore in large letters the words: 'Got mit Uns!' One of our c.o.c.kney lads, more of a patriot than a linguist, looked at this for a moment and then lampblacked a big sign of his own, which he raised on a stick. It read: 'We Got Mittuns, Too!'"

IMPERSONAL

A pretty girl at an evening party was bantering a genial bachelor on his reasons for remaining single.