The Punster's Pocket-book Part 13

The late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the violin, the following bits took place:

_W._ I fear, Charles, you _lose_ a great deal of _time_ with this fiddling.

_S._ Sir, I endeavour to _keep time_.

_W._ You mean rather _to kill time_.

_S._ No, I only _beat time_.

JOHN KEMBLE MURDERING TIME.

When Kemble was rehearsing the romance sung by _Richard Cur de Lion_, Shaw, the leader of the band, called out from the orchestra, "Mr.

Kemble, my dear Mr. Kemble, you are _murdering time_." Kemble, calmly and coolly taking a pinch of snuff, said, "My dear Sir, it is better for me to murder Time at once than be continually _beating_ him as you do."

SHERIDAN ON LOVE FOR LOVE.

Sheridan complained that Congreve's "_Love for Love_," had been so much altered and modified to suit the delicate ears of modern mawkishness, that it was quite spoiled. It is now (said he) like modern marriages, with very little of "_Love for Love_" in it. "His plays," said the wit, "are, I own, somewhat licentious, but it is barbarous to mangle them: they are like horses; when you deprive them of their vice, they lose their vigour."

THE MORNING POST ON PREFERMENT.

An auctioneer having turned publican, was soon after thrown into the King's Bench; on which the following paragraph appeared in the Morning Post: "Mr. A., who lately quitted the _pulpit_ for the _bar_, has been promoted to the _bench_."

SIR J. PARNELL

Became a general _toast_ in Ireland after the Union, by which he lost his place, or, as he once said, "his bread and b.u.t.ter." When lamenting his loss, he was told, "Ah! but it's amply made up to you in _toast_."

HORACE TWISS, M.P.

_A special Pun._

Mr. Twiss being one evening in the boxes of Covent Garden theatre, to see Macbeth: when the hero questions the witches what they are doing, they answer, "a deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention was at that moment directed more to c.o.ke upon Littleton than Shakspeare, catching, however, the actor's words, repeated, "A _deed_ without a _name_! why, 'tis _void_."

RALPH WEWITZER.

The comedian meeting a young friend, observed how well he looked. "Ay, (says the other) I have a rare good appet.i.te, and I take care that it be well satisfied; in the first place, every morning I eat a _great deal_ to breakfast." "Then (observes the former) I presume you breakfast in a _timber-yard_."

JOHN BANNISTER NO SHOOTER.

A few years ago, it will be remembered, that Mr. John Bannister nearly lost his arm by the bursting of a fowling-piece. Shortly after he observed to a friend, "I may be an actor, but I will not attempt to be a _Shooter_."

LORD NELSON'S ARMS.

The master of the Wrestler's Inn, at Yarmouth, having solicited Lord Nelson to permit him to put up his _arms_, and change the _name_ of the inn to _The Nelson Hotel_; his lords.h.i.+p returned for answer, that he was perfectly welcome to his _name_, but he must be sensible that he had no _arms_ to spare.

SOME OF CURRAN'S BEST.

A severe Irish judge, being at dinner among an a.s.semblage of lawyers, Mr. Curran asked his lords.h.i.+p, if he should have the pleasure of helping him to a slice of pickled tongue which stood before him. "If it were _hung_ (said his lords.h.i.+p), I would try it." "If _you_ were to _try_ it (replied Curran), it would be sure to be _hung_."

CURRAN'S COVENTRY JOKE.

On some one proposing to send an Irish barrister to "_Coventry_" for refusing to fight a duel, "Sure," said the wit, "that is carrying the joke a little _too far_."

CAPITAL JOKES.

While a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, a louse unluckily peeped from under his wig. Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what he saw. "You joke," said the barrister. "If (replied Mr. Curran) you have many such _jokes_ in your head, the sooner you _crack_ them the better."

ON DISCIPLINE.

MacNally was very lame, and when walking, he had an unfortunate limp. At the time of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardour, and when the different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the lawyers was organized. Meeting with Curran, MacNally said, "My dear friend, these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to enter the Lawyers' Corps, and follow the camp." "You follow the camp, my little limb of the law!" said the wit, "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you never can be a disciplinarian." "And why not, Mr. Curran?" said MacNally. "For this reason," said Curran, "the moment you were ordered to march you would _halt_."

LORD NORTH'S PUN CLa.s.sICAL.

A gentleman told Lord North, that from a variety of losses, he had found himself compelled to reduce his establishment. "And what (said his lords.h.i.+p) have you done with the fine mare you used to ride?" "I have sold her." "Then you have not attended to Horace's maxim:

'Equam _memento rebus in arduis Servare_.'"

MANNERS EARL OF RUTLAND.

Manners Earl of Rutland meeting Sir Thomas More, shortly after their mutual preferment, and thinking he a.s.sumed rather a haughty carriage, observed, "_Honores mutant Mores_." "No, my lord (said Sir Thomas), the pun will be much better in English, _Honors change Manners_."

LORD BYRON TO ROGERS ON PUNNING.

Lord Byron observed to Rogers, that punning was the lowest species of wit. "True (said the other), it is the _foundation_."

THE ARCH-BISHOP AND HIS ARCH-CURATE.

_Pun beneficial._

Sir William Dawes, archbishop of York, delighted in a good pun. His clergy dining with him the first time after the decease of his lady, he said he feared the company would not find things in so good order as they were in the time of poor _Mary_, adding with a sigh, "Ah! she was indeed _Mare Pacific.u.m_." A curate, who pretty well knew the truth of the matter, got himself completely into favour by observing, "Ay, my lord, but she was first _Mare Mortuum_."

DR. GOLDSMITH AND SIR JOSHUA REYNOLDS.

_A pun spoiled._

At a dinner of wits, a dish of pease was brought in, become almost grey with age. "Carry these pease to Kensington!" said one of the party. "Why to Kensington?" said another. "Because it's the way to _Turn'em green_."