The Punster's Pocket-book Part 16

Late on a Sat.u.r.day evening, as Lord Norbury had concluded charging the jury, after a laborious and long trial, when they retired to make up their verdict, a barrister got up to make a motion respecting a horse, that had been returned to a jockey for not being sound. His lords.h.i.+p complained of his being much tired after the business of the day, and begged they would postpone the business till Monday. The lawyer, anxious to push forward the business, said it would only occupy him a few minutes to _try it_. His Lords.h.i.+p rising, said in his usual dry way: "Gentlemen, to-morrow is a holiday; you will have time and leisure to _try the horse yourselves_."

A DRY WIPE.

Lord Norbury being in company with some lawyers, was asked, had he seen a pamphlet that was written by O'Grady, in which he was reflected on?

replied, "Yes, yes, I took it to the water-closet with me." When told who was the author, he replied, "Ha! I did not think my friend Grady intended me such a _wipe_."

HOW TO CUT A FIGURE IN THE TEMPLE.

Lord Norbury, while indisposed, was troubled with a determination of blood to the head. Surgeon Carrol accordingly opened the _temporal artery_; and whilst attending to the operation, his Lords.h.i.+p said to him, "Carrol, I believe you were _never called to the bar_?" "No, my Lord, I never was," replied the surgeon.--"Well, I am sure, Doctor, I can safely say _you have cut a figure in the Temple_."

THE GAME JOKE.

On being informed, last autumn, of the elopement of Mrs. Moore, whose maiden name was Woodc.o.c.k, Lord Norbury said, "Then we must look out our _fleecy hosiery_."--"Why so, my Lord?" "Because it is an unerring symptom of a sudden, long, and severe winter to see, so early in the season, the _Woodc.o.c.ks forsake the Moors_."

MAJESTICALLY MOUNTED.

Lord Norbury, meeting the Marchioness of Conyngham and Lady Elizabeth riding on horseback in the Phnix Park, took occasion to admire the beauty of their horses: "The gift of His Majesty," said her Ladys.h.i.+p artlessly: "and Lady Elizabeth's is also a royal present."--"Then I understand," said Lord Norbury, "His Majesty _mounts you both_."

A SPORTING PUN.

A gentleman on circuit narrating to his Lords.h.i.+p some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before breakfast.--"Thirty-three _hares_!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "Zounds, Sir! then you must have been firing at a _wig_."

THE FEMALE LINGUIST.

A report having reached his Lords.h.i.+p that a female pedant, who was well known as a blue stocking and linguist, was about to be married, he observed, "He could answer for her disposition to _conjugate_, but feared she would have no opportunity of _declining_."

HOPE AND JOY.

At a trial in the Irish Court, Mr. Hope, an eminent attorney, being employed as agent in a certain cause, apologized to the court for the absence of Mr. Joy, his counsel, requesting that it would delay for a few minutes, till Mr. Joy, who was engaged in another court, would return. Some time having elapsed, Lord Norbury addressed the bar, saying, "Gentlemen, I think we had better proceed with the business of the day--although

'_Hope_ told a flattering tale, That _Joy_ would soon return.'"

A RUM WITNESS SENT TO QUOD.

A witness being interrogated by Lord Norbury, in a manner not pleasing to him, turned to an acquaintance, and told him in a half whisper, that he did not come there to be _queered_ by the old one. Lord Norbury heard him, and instantly replied in his own _cant_, "I'm _old_, 'tis true, and I'm _rum_ sometimes--and for once I'll be _queer_, and send you to _quod_."

A LATE DINNER.

Mr. Curran was to dine with Lord Norbury, when Mr. Toler. His dinner hours were late, which Mr. Curran always disliked. Mr. Toler was going to take his ride, and meeting Mr. Curran walking towards his house, said, "Do not forget, Curran, you dine with me to-day." "I rather fear, my friend," replied Mr. Curran, "it will be _so long first_, that you may forget it."

CUT AND COME AGAIN.

In a celebrated trial, wherein Mr. Trumble was plaintiff, and Mr.

Allpress of Abbey-street, defendant, before Lord Norbury and a special jury, Mr. Serjeant Johnson, Counsellor Leland, and one or two more very fat barristers were employed for the defendant. The opposite bar were remarkably thin spare men, viz. Messrs. Goold, North, Pennyfather, &c.

Mr. Johnson, in defending his client from paying a penal rent, in the heat of argument said, "My Lord and gentlemen of the jury, the opposite party stand forth like Shylock in the play, with their knife outstretched _to cut from us_ the very pound of fles.h.!.+" Lord Norbury very tritely interrupted the learned serjeant by saying, "Mr. Johnson, the opposite bar perhaps conceive you _can spare it better_."

A NOTE TAKER TRANSPORTED.

When it was told to Lord Norbury, that sentence of transportation to Botany Bay was pa.s.sed upon the notorious Mr. Smith, who had been detected in clandestinely pocketing some notes off the vestry-room table, after the collection for the Charity Schools of St. Michael's Church, in November 1819, he jocosely replied, "that he thought it very hard, as it was no uncommon thing to have _note takers_ at all such public meetings."

CLOSE SHAVING.

The Persian Amba.s.sador having, among other public places, visited the Irish Courts of Justice, in November Term of 1819, coming into the Court of Common Pleas whilst it was sitting, the business was suspended for a short time, to view so extraordinary a personage, he being fully dressed in the eastern costume, long beard, &c. After he had retired, one of the Judges asked Lord Norbury what he thought of him, his Lords.h.i.+p wittily replied, "he might be a very _clever man_, but he was certain he was not a _close shaver_."

THE RACKET COURT.

The counsel in the Irish courts are not always so decorous and attentive as they should be. During the examination of a witness, Lord Norbury had occasion once or twice to request silence; when the man, in a reply to a question from his lords.h.i.+p relative to his occupation, answered that "he kept a _racket court_." "Indeed," said the judge, and looking archly at the bar, continued, "and I am very sorry to say that I am Chief Justice of a _racket court_ much too often."

POT LUCK.

A certain Irish musical amateur, who was very irritable, had a party of vocal and instrumental friends on a particular evening in every week at his own house; when some wags, more desirous of promoting discord than harmony, used to a.s.semble under his windows, making the most hideous noises, or in the Irish phraseology, "_giving him a shaloo_," upon which the amateur dislodged the contents of a certain chamber utensil upon the heads of some pa.s.sers by, but unfortunately missed his persecutors. For this a.s.sault an action was brought and tried before Lord Norbury, who, in summing up the case to the jury, good humouredly observed, "that the plaintiffs must be considered in the light of _uninvited guests_, and it could not be denied that they had been treated by the defendant with _pot-luck_."

In a humorous trial between the rival managers, Messrs. Daly and Astley, respecting the right of the latter to perform the farce of "My Grandmother," at the Peter-street theatre, Dublin, Daly's counsel stated, that the penalties recoverable from the defendant, for his infringement of the rights of the patent theatre, would all be given to that excellent charity the Lying-in Hospital. Mr. Toler, in reply, observed, "That it was notorious, no man in Dublin had contributed more largely, _in one way_, to the Lying-in Hospital than Mr. Daly; and it was therefore but fair, if he recovered in this action, that he should send them _the cash_. But," continued the facetious counsel, "although Mr. Daly's attachment to _good pieces_ is proverbial, we do not choose that he shall monopolize all the _good pieces_ in Dublin, from '_My Grandmother_' down to '_Miss in her Teens_.'"

LORD NORBURY'S EPITAPH.

SAID TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY HIMSELF

He's dead! alas, facetious _punster_, Whose jokes made learned wigs with fun stir: From heaven's high court, a _tipstaff's_ sent, To call him to his _pun_-ishment:-- Stand to your ropes! ye s.e.xtons, ring!

Let all your clappers ding, dong, ding!

Nor-bury him without his due, He was himself a Toler[22] too!

[22] The Learned Judge's name.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

PUNNING EPIGRAMS.