On Patrol Part 2

A tale is told of a captain bold Of E-boat Seventy-two; She steered to eastward--pitched and rolled, and Poulson swore at her, damp and cold, As E-boat captains do.

And off the mouth of the German Bight, With Bork.u.m on the bow, She saw the smoke of a German fleet--MIND YOUR FINGERS--SEVENTY FEET!

WE'RE IN FOR BUSINESS NOW....

(For enemy s.h.i.+ps are hard to find-- You have to take them quick; So copy the Eastern vulture's rule, that waits for days for an Army mule-- Always ready to click.)

Out to the west from Helgoland The big grey cruiser steered, And the glinting rays of a rising sun flashed on funnel and mast and gun, And--Admiral Schultz's beard.

Down the wind the E-boat came And pa.s.sed the searching screen; n.o.body guessed the boat was there, till they heard the wallop and saw the flare-- Where the pride of the fleet had been.

'Twixt white and green of dancing waves The racing tracks were seen, And Poulson watching them get there, cried--_Hold the crockery-- Starboard side!_ _For the kick of a magazine!_

The escort ran and the cruisers ran At the thought of an English snare; Scattered and spread to left and right, to the friendly arms of the German Bight, And left the ocean bare.

Then the coffee was spilt, the E-boat rolled To a deuce of a shaking bang; To the sound of the hammer of Aser-Thor, victory-song of Naval War, The hull of the E-boat rang.

And Poulson swinging the eye-piece round, Lifted eyebrows high, For far aloft, when the smoke had cleared, he saw the flash of a golden beard Against the empty sky.

"Admiral over! _Surface_, lads!

He's flying a belted sword; Pipe the side or stern or bow, stand to attention smartly now-- Wherever he comes aboard."

The Admiral landed Cabre-wise And high the fountains burst-- (What is the meaning of Cabre-wise? To men of the air it signifies-- His after-end was first).

They piped the side, and still they stood To watch him struggle and heave, As he fought the slope of the rounded deck (for none could pull at an Admiral's neck Without the Admiral's leave).

They took him below, and sat him down On the edge of the Captain's bed,-- Treatment vile for a foemen caught, they gave him a bottle of Navy Port-- Fiery, dark, and red.

They landed him at a Naval Base, With S. two-twenty D.

_Supplied_--_a large and bearded Hun: Grosse Admirals, angry, One-- For draft to Admiraltee._

And Grosse-Admiral Schultz von Schmidt, Graf von Hansa-Zoom, Faded away to Donnington Hall, to an English park with a guarded wall --To an elegant private room.

And there he paced the carpet up, And paced the carpet down, "Alte Himmel!"--the prisoners cried--"Some one's trod on the German pride, And dared the Hansa frown!"

The Admiral called for a fountain pen And Reference Sheets[1] galore, And silence fell on the smoking-room--for Grosse-Admiral Hansa-Zoom Was throwing a Gage of War.

"_Can I believe your Lords.h.i.+ps mean To stand so idly by-- When a young lieutenant of twenty-four, pleading the need of Naval War, Shall make an Admiral fly?_

_Never shall I believe it true That I should have to fall On an icy sea with an awful spank, by the act of one of a junior rank, I--Schultz, of Donnington Hall._"

Their Lords.h.i.+ps read--and bells were heard That woke the echoing past; And Scouts and messengers jumped and fled--till all was still as a world of dead Beneath the wireless mast.

My Lords in solemn conclave drew Behind a bolted door, Thres.h.i.+ng it out in full debate--"Is it a case for an Acting Rate?

Or use of Martial Law?"

At four o'clock in the afternoon, With tea-cups clattering past, Along the echoing Portland floor the whisper pa.s.sed from door to door-- "_They've settled it all at last!_"

And I have the word of a lady fair In Room Two Thousand B-- (A perfect peach, I beg to state), who typed the letter in triplicate And pa.s.sed it on to me.

"_We find the Enemy Admiral's Note Is based on Service Law-- That disrespect to a Flag afloat has sullied the fame of Poulson's boat Despite the Needs of War._

_But he erred unknowing--so we shall mask His breach of Service pomp,-- We'll make him an Admiral, D.S.B.[2]--Acting--payless--biscuit free, In lieu of lodging and Comp._

_We'll rate him at once as an A.I.O.[3]

With a K.R.A. and an I.,[4]

We'll make him a deputy C.P.O.,[5] with Rank of Admiral, whether or no, And a beautiful Flag to fly._"

And now when Poulson sails to war In E-boat Seventy-two, The boatswains pipe and the bugles blare, "_Stand to attention-- forward there_!

_The Admiral's pa.s.sing you!_"

That is the tale as told to me By a friend from Beatty's Fleet, When over a gla.s.s (or even two), he swore to me that the tale was true, In a Tavern in Regent Street.

[1] A letter-form which enables the sender to address his Seniors more abruptly than he would dare to do without its a.s.sistance.

[2] D.S.B. = Duty Steam Boat.

[3] A.I.O. = Admiralty Interim Order.

[4] K.R.A.I. = King's Regulations and Admiralty Instructions.

[5] C.P.O. = Chief Petty Officer.

A NIGHTMARE

A NIGHTMARE.

The Council of Democracy around the table drew (The table was a beauty--it was polished--it was new, Twenty feet from side to side and half a mile in length, Built of rosewood and mahogany of double extra strength.

The C in C had gone to jail to answer to the charge Of saying what he thought about Democracy at large.

So the Council of Democracy had taken on the job, After voting the removal of his Autocratic n.o.b.

And the table was erected in a calm secluded spot, Well away from any trenches, lest a voter should be shot).

And the Chairman raised a hammer and he hit the board a whack, No one paid the least attention, so he put the hammer back.

Then he read the lengthy minutes of the gathering before, To the ever-growing murmur of the Democratic snore.

And he put before the meeting all the questions of the day, Such as "Shorter hours for Delegates, and seven times the pay."

With a minor matter for the end--"What shall the Council do About this fellow Mackensen? they say he's coming through With a hundred thousand hirelings of the Hohenzollern Line, And breaking all the Union Rules by working after nine."

At this a group of Delegates departed for the door, To consult with their const.i.tuents the conduct of the War.

The remainder started voting on the Delegation Pay, And agreed with unanimity to seven quid a day.

They decided that unless the Germans travelled very fast, There'd be time for all the speeches--so they took the matter last.

But just as Mr Blithers to the Chairman had addressed His opinion--he departed for the Country of the Blest, (Both in body and in spirit to the heavens he departed, And the Council looked dispirited, though hardly broken-hearted).

All the delegates were wondering from whence the sh.e.l.l had come; One arose to ask a question--Bang!!--he went to Kingdom Come.

"Mr Chairman," cried a Delegate. "A point of order! I Don't believe the Huns are coming--it's an Autocratic lie.

I shall move the Army question do be left upon the Table, And I'm going home to England just as fast as I am able."