The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth Part 7

and in another minute there jumped from under the table a suspicious-looking turkey, who stood upon the platter, clapped his wings, and sent the dough-nuts into a flutter about the room. 'I'm all right' he proclaimed, stretching to his extreme height 'let every man take care of himself.' My reader will scarce question my veracity when I say the turkey looked with grave disdain upon the unnecessary confusion, made at this moment by British cabinet cooks, whom it was gravely intimated, had lessoned of Mr. Pierce's French cook, Monsieur Souley. Mr. Smooth, about this time, resolved to leave the donkey diplomatists, and drive his own ugly brutes home.

CHAPTER XVI.

SMOOTH DINES WITH CITIZEN PEABODY.

"Smooth being a great man, as well as Mr. Pierce's minister in general--and citizen Peabody being no less great in diplomacy, which he ill.u.s.trated in the most substantial manner--it became necessary to make a demonstration: to this end did friend George delegate his hospitality in an invitation to dine with him at Blackwall. George was large and loose of figure, possessed a broad, honest face, bright with kindness, candor, and firmness: added to which a well-developed nose; a soft, yet watchful eye a mouth indicating gentleness; and a broad, benevolent chin, finished the make-up of the external man--if we except a neat pair of brown whiskers, and a head of dark youthful hair. Citizen George loved dearly his country, and was altogether a man who meant well, nor ever forgot those of his countrymen who reflected honor on their country when abroad. He had no genius for politics, had never aspired to the cla.s.s _par excellence_; no, he espoused none of their dogmas; he let littler minds revel in such luxuries. The means by which little demagogues find themselves great politicians could reflect no fame to George: he served his country with less noise and more effect. If he was quiet and una.s.suming; if he loved his country to a fault, that fault was his own, not his country's. How much more to be praised is he who seeks when in foreign lands to sustain the simple but grand spirit of our inst.i.tutions! For sustaining the simplicity of our inst.i.tutions is friend George most to be praised. The object of his labor was the establishment of a simple but real and effective diplomacy, from which international benefits of great worth might result. A few here and there had doubted the quality of his diplomacy; but no one bold enough to question his abilities as a diplomatist had yet been found. It is not what we are supposed to do, but what we really do, that ought to ent.i.tle us to respect. And had not citizen George done more to promote a kindly feeling between the too boastful peoples of England and America than all our well-paid ministers, their court luxuries, and costly retinues thrown in? That citizen George would interpose for peace and international harmony, in the event of an unfortunate misunderstanding between the two countries, was equally certain; indeed he had more than once had occasion to view with feelings of commiseration those small jealousies against which great minds have to contend while seeking to carry out an enlarged policy. Painful as may be the a.s.sertion, it is nevertheless true, that whenever questions of an intricate nature arose those whose legitimate business it was to act in the matter were either moved by the narrowest aspirations of party, or, yielding to their own more contracted views, were disposed to keep alive dissensions blighting to their country's best interests.

"Deeper than etiquette and quibble (those much-beloved virtues of the time-serving and polite corps) had friend George delved into the recesses of human nature, that he might find a law upon which to build a comity of enlarged sentiment, having for its end the bringing together of Americans and Englishmen, cementing the bonds of commercial intercourse, and pledging the continuance of peace. Those whom he thus worthily drew together did he enjoin to cease their small jars and partake of his large jar, which was always plentifully stored. Be not surprised, then, when Smooth tells all his readers in general, and General Pierce in particular, that Citizen Peabody has founded a dinner diplomacy, contrasted with which all other species of the order are but secondary. This was indeed the means by which he hoped to, and no doubt would, develop a more fruitful international policy; for, meats and good drinks being never-failing arguments with fat Aldermen and Statesmen, who could doubt it? Smooth would here say to Uncle Sam, that there is no mistake about the effect of this sort of diplomacy, and begs that he will insinuate to Mr. Pierce the propriety of his suggesting to Congress through the medium of his next Annual Message (he will make a hit) the propriety of sending abroad good cooks instead of bad ministers. They must be well provided with gold eagles, and give the very best sort of dinners to every hungry citizen, at Sam's account; the boy will then s.h.i.+ne in all his glory!

Never dealing in sarcasms, nor casting reflections of an insinuating character, yet, Mr. Smooth cannot forbear to say that while the very polite wors.h.i.+p at the shrine of the polished _corps_, stronger-minded men are always found doing homage to the meats and drinks--more particularly when they are good! Upon this most modern but very material principle of natural philosophy (with a great heart, and intentions to correspond) did our worthy and truly characteristic countryman pursue to usefulness his diplomacy. That it had excited the fear of small politicians and antiquated and very polite diplomats, whose trade it seriously damaged, was well known to Mr. Pierce and the world in general. Even this species of gentry was at times disposed to pay it compliment; but it was only on the ground of its relieving them of that _onerous tax_ of now and then receiving their fellow-citizens respectably. Smooth is exceedingly delicate about mentioning here the onerousness of this tax, inasmuch as our parsimonious government has proved itself obstinately opposed to grant a sum requisite to the necessary respectability to be maintained at foreign courts.

"Well, the day arrived on which Smooth was to dine with Citizen George, and not the smallest idea had he of meeting another stray citizen. Happy in the enjoyment of our own greatness, Smooth expected to learn something of Uncle George's opinions upon international questions in general, and to give him in return some account of General Pierce's crooked notions of a national policy--so crooked, indeed, that they left him alike the laughing-stock of friends and foes. This was very easily done, for, being Mr. Pierce's special minister to everywhere in general, and more particularly to Europe, where he invested him (Smooth) with power to draw up preliminaries for the 'Ostend Convention,' as well as to cut a figure on behalf of Young America, the power thus given made the divulging Mr. Pierce's policy no breach of confidence. As for Young America, that very una.s.suming young gentleman was being gloriously represented by the very famous house of the three S.'s and Co. (Sickles, Saunders, Souley, Buckhanan & Co.), the latter very respectable gentleman having been received into the firm with the specific understanding that he sell out his large stock of old fogyism, and invest the proceeds in manifest destiny.

"Nothing is so easily attained as the flattery of small men; and yet no essence is more delicious to the soul of a sycophant, for it is he that loves to refresh his recreant spirit with human frailty. Mr.

Pierce's comprehensive and very elastic mind had not yet made a point of a.n.a.lysing this as properly as it was capable of being.

"Doing himself (Smooth) up in his very best fixings, he chartered a steamboat--that is, he got aboard a steamboat--and in the company of our very gallant Secretary of Legation (who has since joined the very excellent and honorable order of doubtful politicians), paid his pennies and steamed away for Blackwall. Here he and his friend sought the Brunswick, a very grand hotel, where now and then the vulgar do dine, and console their love of fas.h.i.+on with much show of dishes and very aristocratic prices. And now, to Smooth's utter astonishment, on being bowed into a gorgeous hall by lackies in ordinary, who stood like tailored mummies along the halls and pa.s.sages, he found it taken possession of by some hundred and fifty of both s.e.xes, gaily attired, and altogether presenting the brightness of a bridal party. There were knights and baronets, great and small; some wore an insignia, but nothing else to distinguish them from the very vulgar. And, too, there was Sir William Busey, a good diner-out, and always ready to do such n.o.ble deeds. All stiff and staid, sallied up and down Sir James Muke, affecting to feel much annoyed because vulgar citizens would not regard him in the same distinguished light in which he contemplated himself. Indeed, were Sir James's manners taken in evidence of his distinguished position, the verdict could not fail to be in favor of his only being set down a very distinguished bore. However, on the principle of forgiveness being sweet, did Smooth forgive Sir James, and charge his manners to defect of early bringing up.

"And, too, there was, all reserve, smiling and dignified, Sir Memberman Plenat, who wore no toy of rank, that article being largely developed in his manly bearing. There were also, be it known, other barons and baronets, some of whom were equally imbued with their own importance, others quite modest and gentlemanly in their demeanor.

But, to make the greatness of the occasion complete, there was the little Lord Mayor, who, like a mirror reflecting a sun-shower, loomed forth in all the greatness of his own light. Of ladies there was no lack. Some were of well established celebrity; others were decked in costly fabrics to create a celebrity; a third were fair to look upon. The English ladies seemed round of person, buoyant and joyous of soul: the American queens of beauty (their faces sparkling of love and gentleness) moved to and fro, like sylphs of some fairy land, making splendid the scene. The das.h.i.+ng New Yorker, her smiles, unerring arrows, piercing whither she shot them; the vivacious and intelligent daughter of Ma.s.sachusetts, all sensitive, modest, and graceful; the placid _belle_ of Pennsylvania, whose fair complexion drew upon her all admiration; the bright-eyed Buckeye, with face so oval, than whom none was more coy, nor ever shot a glance or stole a heart so well; the rustic daughter of Down East, who affected great contempt for all superior people, and declared the queen not a whit better than anybody else; the buxom Green-mountain girl, whose motion was as crude as her cheeks were rosy; the New Hamps.h.i.+re prude, lisping, regardless of Murray; the statue-like Baltimorean, with queenly figure and all lovely face, dazzling in her beauty, like a diamond among stones less brilliant; the flirting blonde of Was.h.i.+ngton; the gracious Virginian, with features so cla.s.sic and serene; the daisy-like daughter of Connecticut, ever ready to give out her wild unmeasured laugh--all were there. And then there came the imperious Carolinian, whose stately step, Grecian face, dark, languis.h.i.+ng eyes, and thoughtful countenance, drew upon her the admiration of many an envious eye. And, to make complete the group, there moved haughtily along the proud Madame of Alabama, affecting the possession of each good and gentle attribute of womankind. She would have us know how much attention she drew upon her while being presented to 'England's queen,' forgetting that it was merely the effect of her badly arranged lace. Indeed, the conclave mingled most socially. My Lady Flippington seemed not above a modest and very sensible condescension to the very level of the vulgar who surrounded her, and whose friends.h.i.+p she seemed to court.

"Citizen Peabody, as much good nature in his broad face as benevolence in his great heart, moved king among his guests, bestowing a smile here, and a cheering word there; but more particularly consoling the old maids, with whom he is a great favorite. No sooner had the genteel waiter announced the readiness of the festive board, than each gallant sought him a fair partner, and filed off in procession, those not fortunate enough to possess such an accompaniment being compelled to bear up with one of their own harder s.e.x. Smooth was among the most fortunate, having succeeded in fettering himself to a Kentucky _belle_. Down a long, circular stairway, the procession proceeded, inspirited by sweet music, and soon reached a s.p.a.cious hall, set out with tables stretching along its whole length, and bedecked with the choicest viands, delicately overlaid with fresh-plucked flowers, impregnating the very air with their delicious odors. Indeed they looked more like beds of bright flowers trellised with silver and gold. A din of confused voices resounded throughout the hall as all took seats who could, while not a few added to the confusion by appropriating to themselves the seats of others. Mr. Smooth, being a man of the world, and Mr. Pierce's minister extraordinary, took the best seat he could find, and made himself quite at home. Opposite him loomed out the hard, knotty face of Sir James Muke, who, suffering under the most painful grievance of having been deprived of his seat, so generously provided in a s.p.a.ce to the right of the chairman, let loose some very unfas.h.i.+onable and badly moulded oaths. As if this were not enough, Sir James, whose temper had fairly boiled over, and to the great annoyance of less dignified ears than his own, did hurl most indiscriminately at the heads of astonished waiters several oaths less vile, but more pointed. 'Soup! soup!' he demanded impatiently, at the very top of his voice--a voice that sounded like the creaking of a door troubled with a chronic disease. Albeit there was no measuring the lat.i.tude Sir James would have allowed his feelings to take in demanding _soup_, and be-d----mn the astonished servants, had not Lady Constance Caution, who sat all calm at his left, reminded him in softest accents that 'Citizen Peabody always invoked a blessing before he gave soup.' Sir James in response kindly thanked my lady for her timely admonition, listened to the blessing as it fell solemnly upon his ear, bowed and extended his plate as the spontaneous Amen concluded the seemingly anxious moment. Calm but well directed was my lady's rebuke; deeply did it tell upon Sir James, who, more in imitation of Smooth's coa.r.s.e manners, behaved henceforth with more regard to the feelings of those near him.

"It was now time to discuss the well-ordained set-out of viands.

Round after round, the most delicious, came on with that disorder so characteristic of English servants. It will, Uncle Sam, be scarcely necessary for Smooth to add that great skill was displayed in safely depositing the meats and drinks in nature's most appropriate depot.

Most cheerfully was it performed to the accompaniment of music, merry laughs, and flashes of well-worn wit: the only discord discoverable, or which could offend delicate ears, being that one or two English Gentlemen, of very polished manners, obstinately refused to be contented with the long list of wines provided by the generous host, and must needs display their cultivated taste by ordering bottles of a name scarce known, a.s.suring the polite landlord that they themselves would pay the shot _did Citizen Peabody fail to stand it_. Mr. Smooth had not the least objection to this delicate proceeding inasmuch as it ill.u.s.trated a principle, and contrasted strangely with those much cultivated manners facetious gentlemen who so often waste ink in discoursing upon the vulgarities of Americans would have us fas.h.i.+on from. Wis.h.i.+ng, however, these gentlemen may display better manners next time, we must beg the reader's pardon for thus digressing and proceed.

"The meats having laid a very decided foundation upon which to build a tabernacle of joviality, and the nectar adding its exhilarating power in erecting a substratum for the fine work of the festival, it became necessary to top off with spicy speeches, which might indeed be compared to a compound of salt and cream very liberally mixed. From among his guests and great folks Citizen Peabody now rose, somewhat nervous, and with becoming dignity delivered himself of a very piquant speech, the bone and marrow of which was that Americans from home being moved by those sentiments the appearance of things new and strange naturally produce, the sequence was that they looked with an interest divided between reverence and curiosity to see their Minister; such a gratification he was only too happy in being the medium of affording. Nor, when he relieved that worthy representative of a tax his purse could ill bear, did he consider it less than a very agreeable duty. In reply to Citizen Peabody's toast, 'Peace and continued friends.h.i.+p between the peoples of England and the United States,' the guests filled a b.u.mper, and with three hearty cheers let the liquid run down so smoothly. Sir Arthur Coddlecomb's name being coupled with the toast, and that compound of self-importance and bad grammar esteeming himself a great speaker, rose, and relieved himself of what is commonly called a very neat and appropriate speech. To Smooth his mind seemed on a wandering expedition; notwithstanding, he took occasion to refer to that approaching curse--an Eastern war, and also to divest himself of some very fine words, highly complimentary of America. Marked applause followed the speech, and Sir Arthur sat down bowing.

"'The present Lord Mayor!' being drawn into the order of toasts, the individual filling that office, a firmly compacted figure, with well-rounded limbs, and a broad, pleasing face, set off by the addition of a well-lined nose, full intelligent eyes, a brow nicely arched, and organically well-developed, and surmounted with a superstructure of dark, glossy hair, tinged with grey, rose to reply.

My lord, in addition to being rather shortish, possessed a countenance indicative of amiability rather than strength of mind or force of character. 'Silence!' echoed and reechoed through the hall, and for a few seconds all was still. Then the badge-bedecked figure, with dignity all sublime, rose to the order. His dark eyes wandered to to the right and left, then over the banqueting scene, and again toward the ladies. Smooth would here say, by way of interrupting his lords.h.i.+p, and for the better information of his readers, that Sir James, becoming somewhat civilized--perhaps he should say tamed,--and made conscious that he confronted Mr. Pierce's special minister, pledged him in numerous gla.s.ses, and being now somewhat mellow, cooled away into an all-refres.h.i.+ng nap, during the enjoyment of which he, with unpolished bows, made known his approbation of each happy sentiment contained in the speeches.

"His lords.h.i.+p (the reader must now return) here commenced drawing from the cavities of his deep mind all the nice sayings of which his speech was so beautifully made up. Again he paused, made several gestures with his right hand, declared war upon all obstructing coughs, elongated his importance as never did peac.o.c.k on a s.h.i.+ngle, and proceeded: 'My lords and gentlemen!' Loud and good-natured laughing brought his lords.h.i.+p suddenly to a stop. 'My lord is not in the--', whispered Sir Matthew Moore, who sat all facetious at his lords.h.i.+p's right. Sir Matthew, significantly touching his lords.h.i.+p's elbow, while casting a sly wink across the table, enjoined;--'Fellow citizens and ladies, your lords.h.i.+p!' His lords.h.i.+p's face dispensed a few gorgeous blushes as he hesitated, and with an angular motion of the head, he convicted another cough, and made the very best kind of a bow acknowledging the default. 'Ladies, gentlemen, fellow-citizens!'

continued his lords.h.i.+p, not having altogether gained the firm footing of his equilibrium--which, however, was much relieved by sundry well-modulated _bravos_ from the a.s.sembly--'I 'ave the 'onor' (his lords.h.i.+p must be pardoned for his onslaught upon the h's) 'in happearing before this respectable body of Hamerican gentlemen hand ladies!--ladies hand gentlemen! (his lords.h.i.+p suddenly corrected himself), let it not be thought that I ham bestowing flattery when I say I esteem it an 'onor which I cannot too highly characterize, and for which I am so deeply indebted to my friend who 'as so long and n.o.bly contributed to the durability of friendly intercourse between the two greatest and most enlightened peoples on earth--the man whom I am compelled to view as the greatest living diplomatist of _the hage!_' Here the company, with one accord, made a bow, while Sir Matthew interrupted his lords.h.i.+p by whispering, 'Nicholas of All the Russias excepted!' His lords.h.i.+p, with a peremptory glance at Sir Matthew, the meaning of which it was not easy to mistake, continued, somewhat testily:--'I will make no single exception for any such renegade!' Turning to the chairman, he reminded minded him of Sir Matthew's rejoinder, which he a.s.sured him he could not consider, unless indeed he sacrificed the high functions of that great office to which the voice of a people true to their traditions, and Providence, had so significantly called him at this all momentous moment--the breaking out of an Eastern war! 'No less surprized than hoverjoyed am I to meet so _respectable looking_ an a.s.semblage of citizens of that great country in the West, which we naturally view as the exponent of true independence, as well as our great hoffspring. Would _hi_, as the great representative of this city, be saying too much while a.s.serting that in my 'umble opinion no one part of this expansive hearth (great applause) could send forth so respectable and orderly an a.s.semblage of persons.' The ladies here shouted, and waved their handkerchiefs. Having received this distinguished compliment with due dignity, he commenced drawing aside the curtain that we might know more of his early history, which he felt a.s.sured in his own mind could not fail to hinterest the citizens of the United States in general, seeing that he belonged not to the 'haristocracy.' (This was received with a perfect explosion of applause.) In the days of his youth, when geographies were made without reference to correctness, and the study of globes was considered equal to the minds of those only who were learned enough to raise the devil, had he been taught from one of those imperfect pasteboards that Hamerica was an immense expanse of forests, inhabited by wild Hindians and curiously formed barbarians. And the impression thus made, he a.s.sured Mr. Smooth in particular, had so enrooted itself in his mind that he ever and anon found himself most mysteriously contemplating the want of a state of civilization in that great and glorious country. (Deafening applause). Here his lords.h.i.+p's animation was at the highest pressure; indeed so high was it, that a very respectable gentleman, sitting not far from Smooth, bowed, and suggested that the little Lord Mayor must have mistaken the present company for his dining senate. 'Now,'

continued his wors.h.i.+p, emphatically, 'nothing could more happily 'ave affected a change in my mind, than the beholding with my own eyes the lovely fair ones and respectable persons here present. To that great country, Hamerica, shall I hereafter look for the n.o.blest results to civilization and mankind. (Cheers). It is now nearly two 'undred years since the foundation stone of that great republic was laid by the immortal Was.h.i.+ngton.' His lords.h.i.+p's speech was again interrupted by a demonstration of surprise on the part of the audience. He paused a moment, as if questioning the cause. Sir Mathew's aid was again called into service; reminding his lords.h.i.+p that his history was at fault, he added, in a tone most prudent, 'Not yet one hundred, my lord; 1776 marks the date of the declaration of independence.' Thanking Sir Mathew for the kindly hint, he apologized to his hearers, and proceeded. 'One hundred years, then have hardly rolled around, and we find that wonderful country presided over by a commoner--the choice of a free people, who raise him to that proud eminence once every eight years--vieing (here Sir Mathew again interrupted by saying, 'Every four years, my lord!') with the oldest and most powerful nations of Europe. Thanks, Sir Mathew,' interpolated his lords.h.i.+p, rather tartly, turning round. His Honor now proceeded for some time on a rather smooth course, except that he left out a great many h's and put in a great many a's. The great minds of America, he said, had done a world for her greatness. Here he condescended to pay what he was pleased to consider a very deserved compliment to General Flum of New York, whose broad and deeply wrinkled face he espied at the extreme end of one of the long tables, where it loomed up like a careworn lantern amidst a cl.u.s.ter of delicately tinted foliage. America, said his lords.h.i.+p, sought her great men, not from among the effete walks of the haristocracy, from the more legitimate hemisphere--the common walks of life. With a strange elongation of the body did our speaker emphasize the remark. Great men were the gift of an age, and a nation's fortune; and with which he was more than happy to say Hamerica had been blessed--would that his conscience and love of truth would permit him to say as much of his own country! He saw the personification and embodiment of America's great minds in the countenance of his much esteemed friend General Flum, whom his very soul joyed at recognizing present. (We will here add, by way of parenthesis, that the knowing ones of New York had a less exalted opinion of Flum's talent, which had remained hid under a pewter pot, but for General Pierce, who dragged it to the light of day for the purpose of eventually harmonizing his cabinet). Fortunate was it for the welfare of a great country that such men existed; they seemed born to a special purpose, which to him was a medium of conserving and protecting the great international well-being of the two peoples. That purpose was the greatest the world could contemplate in this great age of pounds, s.h.i.+llings, and pence; and with such a mind as he knew General Flum possessed, and the stronger arguments with which the generous host had conciliated all differences international, the two countries were sure to continue in a bond of friends.h.i.+p. To this distinguished compliment our general was pleased to make an approving bow. Again, his honor, in compliment of himself, informed those present that nothing could be more significant of divine will than that at this momentous crisis, when a b.l.o.o.d.y war was on the eve of hurling its vengeance over Europe, and devastating the nations, he should be called to hadminister those high functions of a nation the duties of his office involved; and, too, when an opportunity would be afforded him of exercising those mental gifts with which G.o.d had happily and liberally endowed him. With the full force of this valuable interposition he had not a doubt but that the peace and harmony of the world would again be restored. Nor should her Majesty's ministers ever ask in vain his advice;[*] and, as to the right of impeaching them, he would tenaciously reserve that to himself on all occasions. Whenever they evinced want of hexperience, his knowledge of hintricate questions and mystifying diplomacy should always be at their disposal. A single flourish more, his face glowing earnest, and the little great man proposed (having reiterated that great men were the gift of an age!) 'The great minds of America!' This inspiring sentiment he coupled with the name of General Plum, and sat down amidst a shower of very good-natured applause.

[Footnote: His Honor recently brought forward in the Board of Aldermen a resolution having for its object the impeachment of Lord Aberdeen and his cabinet.]

"This compliment, as the vulgar say, took Plum all aback. He rose in all the dignity of a Pierce diplomatist; his face brightened, conscious of merit; his tall loose figure elongated; he mastered several very ill-positioned coughs, and with glances very congressional, as if seeking a reportorial eye, spoke as modern politicians mostly do when President-making. But before Smooth proceeds to transcribe the elements of his speech, some description of his person may be necessary; in truth, he hears the reader demanding it. Flum is a long-jointed man, tall and coa.r.s.e of figure, has a broad inexpressive face, with a s.p.a.cious mouth and thin lips, disclosing irregular and discolored teeth; to which is added a sharp, projecting chin, prominent cheek bones, lazy grey eyes, deeply sunken under narrow arches slightly fringed with short, sprouting, reddish hairs, and a thin high bridged nose, forming a curvature on the ridge, and twisted to the left at an angle of some twenty-two degrees. This singular deformity of the nasal organ arose from the fact of its having been in contact with the hard hand of a pugilistic congressman; at least so went report. To those exhibiting nice taste for the appearance of our political gentry, we would say that the general, not at all like Smooth, added to the beauty of his _personel_ a low, reclining forehead, superstructed with bright crispy hair, that stood confused all over his head, and gave him the appearance of having been chased by some infuriated bull. Of the general's general estimation of his own capacity, Smooth is sure the reader will not impose a penalty so far beyond his humble capacity as that of finding within this narrow world of ordinary presumption anything with which to compare it successfully. Having had many misfortunes in his upward career of political life, which was singularly marked with disappointments, notwithstanding he had lent forcible aid in making many a President, he never has permitted the strongest opinion of his own talent to die out from his mind; and now that that well-cultivated opinion is made stronger by the all-important verdict of his eloquent wors.h.i.+p, how can he resist the real proof of his being a much-neglected great man? 'Mr.

Chairman, and fellow citizens!' e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed Flum, nervously. 'My friend, the Lord Mayor, has paid a well and much deserved compliment to our country, our country's inst.i.tutions, and our country's great minds. So, far, ladies and gentlemen, as that compliment applies to myself, I may or may not have deserved it; delicacy and reserve are always the n.o.blest attributes of great men. But--and with all due deference to those accomplished gentlemen of England do I say it--it is to the democratic character of our inst.i.tutions that we owe the usefulness of those great minds, as reflected in our country's greatness. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the democracy!--'

"Here Flum was interrupted by Sam Spooner from Boston, who sat at his left, and with a gentle touch on the arm, reminded him in a careless whisper, that Citizen Peabody, although a very unostentatious man, was no democrat; nor was it certain the ladies would all be inclined to father his adoption.

"Flum, somewhat nonplused, allowed a smile of endurance to invade his broad inexpressive face, and rejoined with what he was pleased to consider very nice wit. 'If Citizen Peabody,' said he, 'be not an independent democrat I am exceedingly sorry for it--nothing more being required to make him a perfect man!' At this the company set up one of the very best-natured laughs ever rung out of human organs. Flum, not comprehending its meaning, continued, ere it had subsided--'I hold nothing more imperative than that our generous host, Citizen Peabody, should at once declare his intention of not only becoming a round, sound democrat, but joining the Young American party; which will in truth be a more forcible proof of the purely democratic spirit of that diplomacy he has so worthily founded, and which can now claim so many happy results as its offspring. No system of diplomacy heretofore established has been so redolent of influences tending to strengthen the bonds of international amity; for, indeed, meats and drinks are all-powerful.' Here some indifference was manifested on the part of the English aristocracy present, which, causing a momentary suspension of the speech, produced a very unexpected calm, much to the astonishment of Flum's own dear self. 'Well, I apprehends the gist on't--democracy don't go down, no way, this side the big pond. But, if John is old, and has got his noddle so full of antiquated nonsense that he can't get an idea into his head suited to the exigencies of the times, democracy, with its all-elevating power, will stand by him, give him new sinners to sustain himself, and carry him through those struggles aristocracy has not nerve to surmount.' (Cheers). Having literally ill.u.s.trated every beauty to which democracy was heir, wasted several well-constructed and not badly directed compliments on General Pierce's patriotism, called upon those present to come boldly out and imitate Young America in all his go-ahead proficiencies, Flum turned to his wors.h.i.+p, on which wonderful embodiment of statesmans.h.i.+p and experience he intended to return the compliments that functionary had so flatteringly bestowed. As disappointments will occur, even with the greatest of men, so did Flum find himself totally inadequate to the discharge of this duty. There was, however, a responsibility resting upon him, which he must, considering that it touched that which was an honor to England and the English nation, discharge. It was, that he had to congratulate old England on the possession of such men as his Wors.h.i.+p--men born to the exigencies of an age, and in whose charge the distracted affairs of Europe, now threatening the peace of nations, would be sure to find a satisfactory solution. Here his honor made a most appropriate bow in acknowledgment, while a few gentlemen, rather loquaciously disposed, smiled and Miss Mapplebank, from Arkansas, covered her face with her white handkerchief. It was evident to all present that the two greatest men of the two greatest countries had met on a great international platform (the banqueting table), and as the exchange of verdicts upon the capacity of each other only served to make stronger the opinion they had always entertained of themselves, everyone present was ready to throw up his or her hat in compliment of a discovery which must reflect to the great good of nations in general. Flum ended his speech, the mediums had met; international unity was perfect. Mr. Peabody bowed, the great men signified their acknowledgment, the company rose as the general made his last flourish and wiped the sweat from his brow, and all adjourned in the very happiest phase of good humor. Smooth being somewhat modest, and always bashful when in the presence of ladies, did not make his speech until they had left. It may be well to say that Mr. Smooth's speech was gracefully responded to by Citizen Peabody, who expressed himself delighted, and had no doubt but that in the care of Mr. Smooth, General Pierce would make an unexceptional President.

After this, gentlemen feeling very jolly, we all adjourned to the gorgeously furnished hall up stairs, where we joined the ladies, partook of most delicious coffee, enjoyed many happy salutations and cordial greetings. The Lord Mayor and Flum having embraced in style truly Roman, and pledged themselves over a cup of coffee, never to lose sight of their own greatness, nor to forget the beneficence of that all-wise Providence that had called them into being to struggle with the great events of the age, the company dispersed homeward, delighted to the very heart. If there was one who did not feel a glow of satisfaction, admonis.h.i.+ng him, as he wended his way homeward, to lend his influence for the maintenance of that mutual good feeling which should exist between Englishmen and Americans--between nations so kindred in spirit, and whose interests radiated from a common centre, he must have belonged to a cla.s.s Smooth would not deign to designate. Citizen George would that England and America shook hands, remained friends, and left the gunpowder and big-word business entirely to newspapers and small politicians of the Pierce stamp.

CHAPTER XVII.

SMOOTH LOOKS IN UPON THE MIXED COMMISSION.

"Mr. President Pierce, who was by his friends supposed to be a comical and very small miniature of General Jackson's political school, and whose cabinet was of the Bunk.u.m stripe, intimated to Minister Smooth, in one of the interviews he had with him, which were numerous and very confidential, that in his tour over Europe it might prove profitable to the country in general were he to keep a sharp eye on the movements of a very respectable firm which did business under the name and in the style of Soule, Saunders, and Co.--funny functionaries, who were now cutting figure No. 1, and expecting him (the man Pierce) to cut the smaller figure No. 2. No one personally acquainted with the merits of the aforesaid gentlemen would be surprised to hear that they had threatened kingdoms, emperors, and kings, astonished peoples, and given deluded individuals wonderful opinions of that country which could send such embodiments of its wisdom and spirits to their aid. Indeed, Smooth found himself, while in Europe, made an exception to the generality of Mr. Pierce's diplomatists, whom, it was generally admitted, had either shown s.p.u.n.k or turned gentlemen fighters to no account. It mattered not how much these strange sprigs of capricious Young America misrepresented American manners, education, and sentiments; no, to revolutionary spirits of the _real-red order_ were they the all-great of America's bone and soul. But let us not arouse the G.o.ds by recounting their many follies; the generous soul of America has indeed been compelled by them to father many an extravagance; and, too, though more modest, had not Mr. Pierce delegated extensive powers to the Tomkin's family for the very harmless purpose of transacting over the world such business as old Sam had several times declared unnecessary, and which was in opposition to the interests of the nation, the said Sam being expected to pay all the shot. Pierce said Smooth must keep an eye practically to windward in reference to the business this species of gentry were sent to perform. Hence, acting from principle, which was Smooth's motto, and with a full knowledge that Sam was curiously good-natured, had broad and ever open pockets to accommodate that worthy characteristic, which no one thought it any harm to relieve, he gave his (Smooth's) a.s.surance that the charge of neglect never should be laid at his door--that he would watch the Tomkinses! To deny the existence of a singular prompting to kill time over aught that Sam stood sponsor for, was a very good-natured absurdity; few indeed could be found who did not consider him an old foodle, who had fathered more expensive abortions than any other individual, and was willing to father more. How, then, could Mr. Pierce help viewing with suspicion the performances of those tool-grinders he had sent abroad! The amount of kitchen labor he had himself performed and the number of times he had laid on the grindstone to the turning of his man Fourney, formed no excuse; forsooth, it enabled him the more clearly to comprehend the ins and outs of this wholesale style of coming possum over poor old Sam, whose credulity was only surpa.s.sed by that fatherly old gentleman, Mr. John Bull, whom millions love to live upon, and spend their lives in getting out his affections and his purse.

"Now John and Jonathan had for many years amused one another with the long-drawn music of diplomacy, played on very expensive keys, made with the express view of settling all ungrateful international growlings. Diplomacy, nevertheless, found these growlings beyond its power to reconcile; and now, having worn out its pipe over them, they were shuffled off upon the genius of a mixed commission, which high convention was expected to exert common sense and forego etiquette, and result in a mutual settlement of all outstanding questions since 1812. But, by a mysterious process, which never fails of effect in such cases, a deal of time had been unprofitably consumed by this supposed immaculate commission. And now the high contracting parties sought an extension, that much more might be consumed in the very same way. Uncle Sam being very good-natured, the request could not be refused.

"Through the Strand to Wellington street, Mister Smooth wended his way, and soon found himself between rows of high and stately buildings, in one of which, all calm and easy, sat the convention.

Entering a narrow arch to the right, he pa.s.sed down a pa.s.sage so intricate and dark that it had the appearance of leading to a cave, and in a few minutes was confronted by a polite attendant, who ushered him into the presence of the international dignitaries, then sitting round a large square table, in the centre of the room, in moody contemplation. The room was high of ceiling, about twenty-five by eighteen feet in dimensions, and in appearance very well adapted to the pursuit of knowledge, for the display of legal ability. Upon the table, which seemed somewhat infirm, lay in excellent disorder, a few ma.s.sive books, two green bags, a jacknife, Murray's Grammar, Walker's largest Dictionary, four large pipes, an ample supply of fine-cut tobacco, and sundry very bad writing materials. In one corner of the room spread out a green screen, behind which was various simple but very useful ware; this, together with two extra chairs for strangers, standing at the other corner, const.i.tuted the furniture. There was a strong legal air about the table, notwithstanding its promiscuous burden. At the head of it sat like Cicero--but he had none of Cicero's genius in his soul!--a man moody of countenance and portly of person: he was called the Umpire, and they said he was chosen because of his birthplace being America. Some had gone so far as to characterize the choice an evidence that Mr. Bull was inclined to act upon the square, and permit Cousin Jonathan to have it all his own way,--never for once keeping in mind that it mattered but little where a man's birthplace was, if he had long since forgotten the spirit of its inst.i.tutions.

Indeed, as far as sympathy and manners are concerned, an American may be more than an Englishman, and _vice versa_. Smooth does not mean to insinuate that the case is ill.u.s.trated in the present functionary, whose face was of that stern cast which at times would lead to believe it unhappy under the fatigue of a too solid body. To this singularly stern face was added a nose, facetious gentlemen might be inclined to call the ripening fruits of good wine, while pervading all was an air of sordidness curiously at variance with the good parts repute a.s.serted he possessed. Smooth would have taken him for a man whose mind was of a mechanical turn; for at times he would become dreamy, his eyes would close within leaden lids, and his body seem p.r.o.ne to cool away into sleep's gentlest embrace. Again he would, as if with much effort, raise those leaden eyelids, draw forth a languid breath, stretch his arms athwart, and, as if 'twere pain, listen to the legal logic boring its dryness into his very soul. The tax did indeed seem beyond his power of endurance.

"Being introduced all round, Smooth commenced the conversation by saying, in a warm and good-natured sort of way:--'Well, Citizens!--how do ye make out to get time over the bank? S'pose it's because Uncle Sam stands at the gangway serving the shot?' They did not seem to brighten up at this remark. It was evidently viewed as rather out of place; for the Umpire quickened his nodding, and the other five functionaries const.i.tuting the convention permitted their faces to yield looks by no means significant of good-nature. Quoth, by the way of conventionality, were they right glad to see Minister Smooth; further, they shook him warmly by the hand, and made many inquiries about Pierce and his policy--a thing he never had, hence the impossibility of enlightening them. Mr. Pierce had an eye to Cuba, but no policy whatever with regard to the getting of it: in addition to this, Pierce himself so far defied a.n.a.lyzation that many grave and experienced diplomatists had declared the problem beyond their power to solve.

"Again, our grave conventionists said they had heard it whispered that Minister Smooth (generally called Solomon Smooth, Esq.), being special Minister of Mr. General Pierce to nowhere in particular, had secret instructions to arrange matters for the holding of an extraordinary convention at Ostend; which said convention, being princ.i.p.ally composed of very respectable foreign gentlemen, would especially take into consideration the Cuba question, as also the deciding the point as to whether the Spanish spirit of the people of that island would detract from the national purity of Americanism. In the event of Cuba forming an integral part of the federal compact, a grave question would here be involved. a.s.suring them they were not wrong in their conjectures, Smooth was invited to sit down, in a very honorary position, where, having examined certain papers pertaining to previous proceedings, and pa.s.sed an undivided approval upon them, he remained in all his dignity, listening with great legal seriousness to the very important case then being argued by General F----, whose eloquence was of the 'rip-roarer' style, and whose tragical flourishes were as terrific as dangerous to the limbs all persons in proximity. Smooth's seat was at the left of the Umpire, that functionary's right being flanked by a gentleman lean of figure and studious of countenance, said to be the American Commissioner, a worthy person of great legal abilities. A little below Smooth sat the compact figure of a man in a genteel garb; an air of amiability sat on his countenance, which ever and anon seemed playful; indeed, the very soul of geniality darted from a pair of large blue eyes that gave great softness to an oval face, nicely outlined in its parts. In a word, he was what might be called a very promising limb of the modernly honorable law profession; nor would our opinion of him have been less exalted had he refrained from the very innocent sport of amusing himself with blowing peas through a quill, which he did in all the playfulness of youth, his head being level with the surface of the table the while. We had never supposed him the British Commissioner but for the a.s.surance of those in possession of stronger proof than we had been permitted to see. A little below him, and with seeming indifference to the arguments of which General F---- was relieving his mind, sat a sharp-featured man, whose lithe figure, clear complexion, quick gray eyes, finely arched eyebrows, well-developed brow, and head, superstructured with a profusion of light Saxon hair, that hung soft and smooth down his neck, an even cut mouth, with thin lips, slightly turned, and disclosing teeth of great regularity and pearly whiteness,--a nose high, sharp, and strictly Grecian, gave him a personel of more than ordinary attractions. Smooth apprehends the reader will not charge him with a diversion when he says that any lady of taste might have become enamored of this gentleman without for a moment subjecting herself to the charge of stupidity. Queen Victoria might, indeed, claim for herself the merit of having done a pretty thing for Cousin Jonathan; for the two pretty gentlemen she had chosen to represent her in the mixed commission bespoke how much she had regarded the value of personal beauty in the settlement of those claims, so long outstanding, and so beset with grave difficulties. Notwithstanding all this, the last gentleman was said to be young, but a clever lawyer.

Now a play of the humorous invaded his face; and while from his eye there came out a strong love of the ludicrous, a curl of sarcasm now and then ruffled his lip. They called him the British agent--in other words, the Counsel for Her Most Gracious Majesty. Smooth had no stronger evidence of this fact than that the gentleman seemed very contented with the way time went, amusing himself with making paper spy-gla.s.ses,[*] with which he quizzed objects on the floor, then took lunar observations through it, the broad disc of the Umpire's red face affording the medium of a planet. To General F----, who was then in the full pressure of his speech, making his, to him, crus.h.i.+ng arguments a legal treadmill for his handsome brother, he seemed a perfect pest, inasmuch as whenever the General had got a real stunner of an argument on the crook of his mind, and just where he would be sure to lose it if the course were not left clear, he was sure to interrupt him with some annoying question, which in most cases amounted to nothing less than disputing the premises a.s.sumed. The General had not received these interruptions with so much perturbation but that they were always coupled with a sarcastic leer, the significance of which had not been well directed, nor should ever be indulged in by legal brethren engaged in the settlement of grave international questions. The reader may say:--'who so cruel as to begrudge the legal gentry their little innocent sport!' As the British Cabinet is at times a sort of toy, with which the facetious House of Commons loves to play the game of knockdown (just for the fun of seeing how much trouble it costs the nation to build it up) so the good-natured gentlemen of this mixed commission seemed to view the gravest international questions.

[Footnote: The writer here describes what he saw, without any attempt at ridicule.]

"'I reiterate!' continued General Flum, for it was no less a personage than he who poured out his eloquence to the Convention: 'If the gentleman for t'other side of this question was only to read Kent's Commentaries, or take a peep into one Story's pleadings, 'twould do him more good nor all (we quote verbatim) the stale law he's larned in the Inner Temple--'twould!' Here Flum paused, and majestically turned round, as if to see how his antagonist felt. His legal brother was very quietly pursuing his lunars with the paper tube, expecting soon to work up all the curious angles of the Umpire's face. To properly intersperse this amus.e.m.e.nt he would now and then bestow a good-natured and very sly wink upon a wag who sat at the opposite side of the table, ever and anon tickling with the feather of his quill the nasal organ of the Secretary, who had just melowed away into a delicious nap. Flum proceeded: 'I mean no disrespect to the proficiency, or to the very high position which my learned brother holds in this Convention; but what will be said by the two governments when it is found that among the great array of cases brought before this high tribunal so few have been settled without a reference to the Umpire? I sincerely believe that did Her Majesty's Councillor exhibit more readiness to meet our demands with a liberal and becoming spirit, many of the cases which have pa.s.sed before this high tribunal might have been settled with little consumption of time, and at small cost to the nation. I know General Pierce won't like the way things are done here, and how can I doubt, seeing the distinguished person present who represents him in the capacity of special Minister (here Smooth acknowledged the compliment by making one of his very best bows), that he will be made acquainted with the facts.' The Umpire, his countenance quickening, would inform gentlemen that the many personalities and invidious references he had so often heard reminded him rather of the pettifoggers of a police-court than the high representatives of two great governments, met for the purpose of dispa.s.sionately discussing the merits of grave international questions. He had become wearied over such a useless waste of time, had purchased a whole library of law books (which he hoped never hereafter to have occasion to use), and must content himself with honor for his recompense. Now he was willing to submit to the world whether there could be any honor conferred upon him by sitting from day to day, listening, at the same time using every effort to keep awake, to the legal _cross-shots_ of gentlemen not inclined to agree to anything. The Umpire ended in a voice deep and musical, drew himself again into his att.i.tude of contemplation, and like an Egyptian Sphinx seemed gravely studious with himself.

"The American Commissioner approved of all that had fallen from the lips of the honorable gentleman. So did the English Commissioner, who suspended his little amus.e.m.e.nt of the quill and the peas, and commenced examining the pages of his Vattel. Having laid aside the paper spygla.s.s, our English agent rose quickly to his feet, and with eyes darting legal tenacity, said he had a few remarks to make in reply to what he considered had very improperly fallen from the lips of his legal brother. He did not intend disrespect to the very honorable Umpire, nor the gentlemen Commissioners, when he said that the rules on which the business of the Commission had been conducted seemed to him to be a complete mumble, growing deeper and deeper with difficulties. Language had been used in that forum which would be more genially localized in Whitechapel, Drury Lane, St. Giles's, or the Surrey Side: he was sorry to see his transatlantic brother so familiar with the piquant jargon of those atmospheres it were well not to be too familiar with.

"'May it please the Umpire, I ask the protection of this tribunal from any such imputation as the gentleman's insinuation would leave me under,' said the General, almost bursting of anger.

"There seemed to be a nice little difficulty brewing, which threatened a readier dispatch of business than that which had marked their efforts in the settlement of claims outstanding. Here again the Umpire, with the aid of his two Commissioners, interposed for the peace and respectability of Mr. Pierce's family. And here Mr. Smooth is happy beyond his power of expression to state, that after a very few unmeaning explanations, the gentlemen Councillors bowed politely to each other, laughed with buffoonish good-nature, nor seemed a whit less than the very best of friends. 'If General--will proceed with his argument!' said the Umpire, gravely, by way of what writers call parenthesis. 'Then, to the point of this case: now, ye see, the law on our side of the water aint a bit like it is here, on this; 'specially with cases of this kind. This is the case of a vessel with n.i.g.g.e.rs on board, bound from one part of the United States to t'other, but driven by what sailors call stress of weather into a British port called Bermuda, where the natives (report says they are not very enlightened), not having the fear of G.o.d before their eyes, nor understanding the const.i.tution of the United States, nor comprehending the principle by which certain democratic States in the free American Union make good property of such things as men, did regardless of the laws of those States, insult the sovereign flag, which was alike the protection of property and citizen, no matter in what part of the world it floated, and set all the n.i.g.g.e.rs free! After consuming an hour in arguments of this stamp, the General claimed to have made out his case, inasmuch as the n.i.g.g.e.rs being property to the laws of the States to which they belonged, and the flag of the United States being absolute in its character of a protection,--no matter under what local jurisdiction,--the claim against England for compensation was as just an one as ever man could present for man; did she withhold payment, it must be at her peril.'

"His legal brother now rose, a good-natured smile playing over his sharp face. Before commencing, he would say he wished his learned brother had taken a more dispa.s.sionate view of the case, and laid down a basis of broader principles. Much of the difficulty in settling the many claims that had been presented for adjudication arose from the fact of his learned brother laying down rules to suit his own case, which he would not admit when applied against him. Further, he had not the most faint idea of the n.i.g.g.e.r question being dragged before this tribunal for adjudication. He had hoped that that question might be left for settlement on the soil of America, where those best acquainted with the evil could most readily find a remedy. But if it were true that the flag was inviolable, and that such was held as law, and regarded in good faith by the federal government of the United States, how came it that certain States in the federal compact so far disregarded the rule as to scoff at the idea of the flag being superior to the munic.i.p.al regulations of the port; invade the decks of British vessels, regardless of the flag; and drag from beneath its folds British citizens, whom they incarcerated and made criminals merely to suit the caprices of a munic.i.p.al statute? Strange indeed was it for a nation great as was the American to lay down a principle of foreign policy the action of which could only be allowed when it suited the immediate interests of that nation, and was rejected when it came in collision with them. He would tell the learned representative of that nation, that the spirit manifested in such a course to him 'seemed more to comport with that specious style of conducting business better understood among hucksters!' Here the man of the American side of the house evinced some excitement, and quickly rising to his feet, said he would not stand silently by and hear such imputations cast upon his house, country, and people. The judiciary of the United States could not be impugned--none was purer; while the foreign policy of the United States stood out a model for the nations of Europe to pattern from. A counter interruption again took place. The Umpire drew a long breath; the good-looking English Commissioner heaved a sigh, and again commenced amusing himself with the quill; the sedate American Commissioner yawned, and turned contemplatively the leaves of a commentary; to end, they all seemed seized with the yawning fever, which was kept up until they laughed right earnestly at one another, the handsome gentleman stretching his arms athwart, and making a hideous grimace. At length this state of things was put an end to by the Umpire, who did hope gentlemen would see, in his dinner hour having arrived, the necessity of either resting the arguments here, or postponing them for another day.

"In rejoining, her Majesty's sharp featured Councillor having p.r.o.nounced a high eulogium on his Honor's power of endurance, and the onerous duties imposed upon him by the Governments which he so n.o.bly sought to serve, and from whom the mere honor afforded but a meagre compensation, (inasmuch as he felt convinced the proverbial ingrat.i.tude of Governments would be carried out in their not even compensating him for the large outlay he had been constrained to make in law books) hoped he might be permitted to make a few more remarks.

His honor bowing a.s.sent, the well-looking legal gentleman, in blandest accents, proceeded to say Jonathan must not lay a foundation for others he was first to knock down; for if a rule applied to great principles it must not be made subservient to small exigencies of an opposite character: Jonathan must bow to his own stumbling-blocks. It did, however, seem that this Commission had been viewed by certain parties as a sort of _ola podra_; before which deluded persons thought nothing more certain than that their manifold grievances would be patiently heard, their claims find a ready settlement, and their family affairs all be handsomely arranged. There had been men from the coast of Africa seeking a protection under cousin Jonathan's wing, by which their demands on Old John were to them certain of being paid.

There were good men from Manchester, who, forgetting their anti-slavery sentiment's, sought a relations.h.i.+p with our n.o.ble cousin which dated from previous to 1812, and under the shadow of his wings now sought to make the rascally Britishers pay for certain slaves frittered away from them while residing in Georgia, during the last war. There too, were n.o.ble Dukes and Earls presenting claims against our cousin for certain lands in Florida, presented long since to them by some imbecile king, who would upon the same style of conditions, have given away the whole Continent. The said gentlemen had long since forgotten the t.i.tles, and were only reminded of them by the existence of this Commission. English gentlemen from Mexico sought, through the virtues of this Commission, pay for property appropriated by General Scott during the Mexican war. Pensionless widows thought it the grand centre of generosity, and sought through it compensation for dead husbands. Holders of Mississippi bonds regarded it a perfect El Dorado, at the shrine of which those long repudiated mementoes would be duly paid, hopes and angry pa.s.sions requited, and old Mississippi herself again, as bright as a new-coined Jackson cent: and last, but not least, gentlemen with very credulous and speculative faculties, and who held the most doubtful species of Florida bonds, had made their hearts glad on the certain payment of them by the Commission.

'In a word,' said the learned Councillor, 'nothing can be more certain to my mind (and I am borne out in the belief by the variety and character of the claims presented to this Commission) than that the whole world is beginning to look on our worthy transatlantic cousin as the most generous, if not the most credulous, fellow extant! Whether his model friend George Saunders, can take to himself any merit for having created this now very general opinion in Europe (by virtue of his most extraordinary circulars), Smooth is unable to decide; but certain is it that every disaffected subject on the continent who can get up spleen enough to fancy himself a much injured republican--'

Here General F---- interrupted, by submitting to the honorable Umpire whether these remarks were not gratuitous, irrelevant, and improper. The Umpire, having given his opinion that they were unduly long (extending a whole hour beyond his dinner-time), begged the gentleman would turn the key to his concluding remarks. 'I have only another remark to make,' rejoined the gentleman with the sharp face: 'If Sydney Smith had lived, there would have been more wit and sarcasm levelled at this mixed Commission than would have filled an octavo volume. I cannot forbear to say, however, that strange as is the character of many of these demands, claims, and grievances, some of them might have been settled without such a deplorable waste of time, had it not been for the interference of that phantom devil, Mr. General Pierce's black pig, who is always construing principles to suit his purposes. So avaricious is that animal, that no amount of swill seems to pacify his desire to overthrow principles and defeat great objects. No place would seem too obscure for the brute to get his nose into; no demands too egregious for his appet.i.te; no rights too daintily established for his disregard. He is here, there, and everywhere--demanding with the same ferocious spirit. We had hoped Mr. General Pierce would keep him at home during the deliberations of this Convention: let us console our disappointment by trusting to what the future may bring forth.' Here the Umpire's patience was at an end--patience no longer remained with him a virtue. He rose moodily from his seat, said the sitting would adjourn until to-morrow, and betook himself to his dinner, which he added he feared would get as cold as the gentlemen's pleas. This was rather abruptly bringing matters to a close. The legal gentlemen, as if disturbed elsewhere than in their thoughts, looked terror-stricken, packed up their law tools, shouldered their green bags, and, in the company of Mr. Smooth, sought a place whereat to bestow good care on the inner temple.

Smooth, with all deference to the opinions of the very respectable gentlemen of the mixed Commission, begs to inform his readers, and Mr.

Pierce in particular, that they never will catch him looking in upon them again.

CHAPTER XVIII.

SMOOTH RECEIVES THE DOc.u.mENTS, AND CALLS A CONGRESS AT OSTEND.

"Several months having pa.s.sed, during which no further instructions from the General came to hand, I began to think he had forgotten my mission, and taken himself to dieting on gunpowder and War-Messages for the next Congress. Then I received a private note from his boy Caleb, in which he stated very confidentially that everything was waiting the next turn in the Brigadier's mind. Cal