The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth Part 9

"On the other hand, there was that about my great-uncle which completely overthrew the suspicion of his having been a kitchen diplomatist: he was an excellent judge of dancing, and what stronger evidence of his forming one of the polite body up-stairs, does the reader want? In addition to this,--he not only discoursed glibly about diplomacy, but sagaciously gave out that he would turn his back to no one in his knowledge of treaties; which said knowledge, and his crutch, he was always ready to swear by. Those great bra.s.s b.u.t.tons with the eagles, and his blue small clothes, too, he wore to the day of his death. The parish had a feeling that no fourth of July could be celebrated without him; and I well remember how on that day I used to think him rather too fond of laying his crutch over the heads of all who differed with him on a question of state policy. My readers will please understand that I have no particular interest in raising the question as to whether my great uncle got his knowledge of diplomacy up-stairs or in the kitchen. The fruits of my research would neither be interesting here, nor serve the object I have in view. Enough is it to know that he would now and then get into a funny vein, and in the outpouring of his child-like enthusiasm, let out some exceedingly rich jokes, touching the manner in which certain gentlemen paid their, to him, most fas.h.i.+onable debts. And, although the old man did at first seem himself to enjoy the recital, he was as sure to end in a great pa.s.sion. And with every deference to the feelings of certain of Mr. Pierce's gentry, who have so recently figured upon the stage of London and Paris fas.h.i.+onable life, I may add that he would testily declare nothing would so please him as to cudgel every diplomatic dandy that brought disgrace upon his country abroad and left his countrymen to bear the smart. Indeed, he once honestly admitted that foreigners were just foolish enough to look for exponents of our national character among our representatives. If they were not inclined to form the most exalted opinion of it through that test, it was because they never once took into consideration the nature of the accomplishments necessary to our office-holders, at the door of which the blame lay. My great-uncle said that it was not that two or three conducted themselves in a manner unbecoming their positions, but, that, representing us in a national capacity, they saddled the responsibility on their honester fellow-countrymen. This, to me, had something about it I could not clearly understand; but I have since thought that if my eccentric uncle had lived to this day, and been in possession of his crutch, a reckoning with General Pierce had been the result. Either he had made the splinters fly, or that worthy gentleman's ear tingle with certain facts relative to the manner in which his gentry have strutted upon the stage we have before mentioned. I say this of the old man because his regard for the feelings of the nation was almost equal to his reverence for the diplomatic body. And I am sure he, in the earnestness of his soul, had prayed Mr. Pierce to take into his pious consideration the means of remedying an evil so gross as that of his diplomatists making it the fas.h.i.+on of paying their debts with that sacred character the comity of nations has granted all missions. He would have told General Pierce that he was but a man, whose little day would soon pa.s.s on the wheel of time, but that the country had a name to maintain among the nations, an exacting posterity to account to! Will his men in the bye-ways have done anything to which it may recur with pride? The stages we have twice named can answer.

"The story of Mr. Secretary Bolt, as facetiously related by my great-uncle, when in one of his funny moods, may not be inappropriate here, inasmuch as it bears a strong resemblance to certain realities perpetrated at this day, but which my habitual modesty forbids me transcribing here.

'Of Bolt, morally,' my great-uncle would say, 'nothing have I to say.'

This said, he would rub his hands awhile, and then continue: 'He was correct of person--extremely so--had fine limbs, was tall of stature, courtly in his movements, spoke with great preciseness, and a clear, musical accent; had model features, was not a little vain of them, and always employed a tailor prince, who dressed him with exact taste, but at an enormous cost. His motion, too, was as graceful as needs be; indeed nature had done well her part, lavis.h.i.+ng on his person a goodly number of those endowments so necessary to a modern diplomatist, whose chief function is to ornament the drawing-room, and create a flutter among certain of the fair s.e.x. You must understand that in Europe, as well as America, the corps diplomatic rules the roost of fas.h.i.+on, and, in addition to its enrolling within its precious precincts numbers of the legitimate aristocracy, creates a great fluttering among that of a more doubtful hue, who seek it and wors.h.i.+p it as the idol of their ambition. It always reminded me of birds with weak minds permitting themselves to be charmed by snakes. However, be this as it may, the knowing ones of York State (Bolt was a three-quarter blood Dutchman, and from that State!) declared it no scandal, when they said his great popularity with the ladies more than made up for his lack of law knowledge. Honester people said, if his mind was not exactly Websterian, there could not be a doubt that nature had intended him for the profession of diplomacy rather than one requiring more profound thought. His make-up was unexceptionable, his smile exquisite. Then he had dark moustaches, which he would gracefully finger into such an exact curve; and he had his small whiskers so neatly combed, and every hair on his head lay in unexceptional smoothness. The legation was not a little proud of Bolt, and on drawing-room days, when he blazed out in his gold lace and sword, would delight in watching the many dark, languis.h.i.+ng eyes that would ogle him over the down of gorgeous fans. Bolt was not dead to this admiration, for we learned, from the constant wandering of his eye, that he rather appreciated his own popularity. For a lady to say she did not admire Mr. Secretary Bolt, was strong evidence of her want of taste. I do not choose to enlighten the world as to how Bolt came to be Secretary of Legation!' Here the old man would make a desperate flourish with his crutch, by which I was led to believe that the means were none of the cleanest; in fact that they were of a character very similar to those used at this day, and to which may be traced the cause of certain of Mr. Pierce's diplomatists having so distinguished themselves in Europe. 'Zounds!' the old man would continue, testily making a cross on the floor with his crutch, 'a desperate set was soon made on our Bolt by that little world of fas.h.i.+on and intrigue which, lizard-like, crawls about our Legations, and did more particularly so about the one he honored with his handsome person. The Countess of Longblower, very distinguished (according to the gossip of the kitchen), and wife of the celebrated Earl of that name, took him at once into the velvet of her good graces. Here, after a little ripening at the hands of Samuel, the polite footman in ordinary, he shone out the star of her small but wonderfully select firmament. There were suspicious whisperings and some scandal concerning what afterwards took place between my lady and Bolt; but as scandal and diplomacy seemed inseparable to an European atmosphere, we as noiselessly as possible laid the charge at the door of a certain sin.' Here he would fling down his crutch. 'The Countess's carriage was forever at the door, waiting the pleasure of Mr. Secretary Bolt; he had a plate reserved at her table; he was the Adonis of her drawing-room; there was a seat for him in her opera-box. In the front of the latter, facing the stately front of her ladys.h.i.+p, one of her sweetest smiles forced over her hard face, sat the handsome Bolt, now playing with the ta.s.sel of her fan, then pa.s.sing upon the Cavatina a sort of rosewater approval. He had a fund of small talk always at hand, and as her mightiness was extremely fond of such wares, so also did Bolt become a very agreeable person. The Countess, too, would smile so condescendingly, and keep up such a conversation with her eyes, now and then glancing at the Earl, who dozed at a respectful distance in the rear. If unexpectedly he exhibited signs of consciousness, Bolt would immediately divert the subject by pa.s.sing some facetious criticisms on the rotundity of the primadonna. And then my lady would chime in, having enjoyed her laugh: 'Your lords.h.i.+p never did enjoy anything.' The Earl's nap over, and the last act near its close (her highness never condescended to remain for the vulgar ballet, and generally retired at the close of the fourth act), our hero would tenderly arrange her satin, make himself so polite! and then she took his arm so condescendingly, and exchanged the sweetest glances! How often I pitied the poor Earl, as in the mightiness of his gravity he would bring up the rear, bearing her ladys.h.i.+p's perfumed cambric.

Several times a tingle of wrath came over me, and I could not resist the thought, that had I been in the place of the poor Earl when my lady hung so rolickingly on the arm of Secretary Bolt, and sailed with such an affected youthfulness through the grand hall, to the no small danger of all muslin dresses in the way, my crutch had served as a means to separate them. The old man, with weeping eyes, would now finger his bandanna and resume his crutch. And then Samuel, in the full blaze of his livery, would stand conspicuously at the grand entrance, and ere her highness's head loomed out at the top of the great stairs, announced her coming in a voice that seemed to strike dismay into all unliveried bystanders.'

"One thing Secretary Bolt would, do that always displeased me, as did everything that tended to lower the dignity of the corps. It was this:--My lady loved dearly her drives in the park, and took them nearly every day, at the most fas.h.i.+onable hour of five. Bolt, in cloth exquisite, had always his seat at her side, where his special office seemed that of nursing her favorite poodle and smoothing the Earl, who on the front seat sat with icy straightness, all over with cheap compliments. This was all very fine as far as it went! Being proud of Bolt, as I have before related, we generously overlooked in him those errors which are rather the result of vanity than the natural offspring of an imperfect education. But we, as a nation have a worthy aversion to paying a dear price for the maintenance of dignity; hence Bolt, whose salary was but a paltry pittance in an atmosphere of singular extravagance, soon found himself becoming involved for the adjuncts necessary to such a connection. A happy thought, however, soon flashed across his mind: was he not protected by the sacred character of the mission? Of course he was!--away all misgivings!

What was the contemplation of such dreary matter to the pleasing recollection of those fair ones whose hearts he had made flutter! And then, not a day pa.s.sed but he received no end of pretty missives, perfumed and enveloped with curiously wrought lace, and virtuous satin,--all bearing the tenderest burdens of love and despair. Bolt was indeed fairly set upon by rival candidates for his heart, which was supposed to possess a large portion of susceptibility. Nor were his admirers merely confined to the satin and velvet of the aristocracy, for 'pretty Betty,' maid of all work to the Legation, and on that account so vain of the honor that she would not condescend to a.s.sociate with servants not attached to the corps, was by Thomas, a wonderfully sagacious footman, discovered to be the writer of an highly scented missive, directed as an arrow at the heart of Bolt. That this little shaft of the tender pa.s.sion contained some truly original lines the enlightened cannot doubt; and I think I may a.s.sert without fear of contradiction that Betty did in these lines, notwithstanding they evinced a sovereign contempt for orthography and versification, discover a deep knowledge of diplomacy. I say this for the reason that her diction could be construed to mean anything but what she intended; albeit there was such an openness about it generally that any clever gentleman might walk in at the back door. I thought it highly creditable in Betty to attempt a thing so mighty as the conquest of Bolt's heart--indeed there was an admirable heroism about it; but it caused a great flutter in the kitchen, where the sensitive Thomas brought forward a motion for her extradition. Thomas would not for the world have the character of gentlemen up stairs sullied by vulgar hands.

"'Bolt had scarcely reached the full blaze of his glory when a series of material obligations truly alarming commenced; and as I then regretted the manner in which he discharged them, so am I now less ashamed to relate them than sorry for their existence on the page of the past. As nearly all Bolt's acquaintances had carriages, it seemed imperative on him to follow their example, which he was not long in doing. And this item of expense necessarily entailed that of two very worthy gentlemen--viz.: Mr. Fripp the coachman, and Mr. Still the footman--without whom no turn-out can be considered complete. Well, these worthy personages were put in possession of the carriage, but scarcely a week had pa.s.sed before a great deficiency was discovered.

Messrs. Fripp and Still had acted in similar capacities to my Lady Brackenbridge, and now declared it beneath their dignity to remain in a service not honored with livery. They laid their grievance before Bolt, who, appreciating the deficiency, forthwith ordered the requisite plush and c.o.c.kades, to the no small joy of those worthies.

If you ask me the cost of these adjuncts so necessary to a very fine gentleman, my answer is that I cannot enlighten you; and this for the very reason, that the cost of an article depends very much on the manner in which you pay for it.'

"As my great-uncle said this he would grasp tighter his crutch and look wrathfully about the room for a seat. 'Bolt!' he would continue, having adjusted his shabby drab hat, 'soon learned that in Europe tradesmen are exceedingly impressible, and notwithstanding they are held in utter contempt by the fine gentlemen of the diplomatic world, will be their humble servant to any amount, asking no other security than the, to them, immaculate character of the mission. I do not mean to say that Bolt made such facilities a study; nor would I be understood as casting a sneer at the diplomatic body in general, but when modern instances prove notorious facts, how can I turn a deaf ear to the belief that our diplomacy has embodied another function?--that of practising the most fas.h.i.+onable way of paying the most fas.h.i.+onable debts. Pardon this little digression. There was a never ending demand for Bolt's custom. Mr. Peppers, the distinguished jeweller of Regent street, would fill his order to any amount; Broadwood & Willow, tailors in ordinary to Her Majesty, always had a newly arrived fas.h.i.+on, the senior partner knew his honor would be pleased with; Dole, the wine merchant, who counted his customers among the first n.o.bility of the land, sent a list of his very best importation, humbly soliciting an order. And as Mr. Secretary Bolt had not the least objection to being driven into dignity, he would order all sorts of things, from a diamond bracelet down to a tin tea-pot for Mrs.

Loveleather the laundress. It was wonderful to see how credulous these tradesmen gentry were, and how they would chuckle over an order from one of the legation. But I must here say that Bolt found a clever diplomatist in Thomas, who was one of the best brought up servants in Picadilly. Thomas had no end of accomplishments, and as a certain vice in a servant is necessary to certain poor aristocracy and deeply involved diplomatists, so also could he lie with a facility truly incredible. If the history of Bolt's wealth, as related to certain tradesmen by Thomas, could be handed down to posterity, I fear my friend Cresus would find himself eclipsed. This it must be borne in mind was before Thomas found himself dismissed for purloining the family arms of the Countess Hopenpop. And while on the subject of purloining propensities let me here say that I fear the vice of stealing family arms did not end with Thomas, but was transmitted by some of his more fortunate brethren up stairs to certain diplomatic gentry of Mr. Pierce's choice, else how comes it that they, notoriously plebian, made c.o.c.kades and carriage doors bear strange devices.'

"My uncle continued: 'While as many as fifty good gossipers predicted daily the marriage of Bolt to some aristocratic belle, there came along a lady of the name of Mrs. Bolt. This person, whose name Mr. Bolt had been extremely careful not to lisp, caused a desperate sensation among his admirers. My Lady Longblower was seen to cool away like liquid tallow, while not a few who had been equally fervent just before, said it was a very impertinent thing in Mr. Bolt. But as that gentleman took a more philosophical view of the matter he returned the compliment by introducing his lady to several of those damsels who had but a few days before themselves hoped to win his heart. Indeed the arrival of Mrs. Bolt, though it brought things to a more legitimate platform, did not in the least lessen his material responsibilities.

Mrs. Bolt must have more fas.h.i.+onable apartments; there was that splendid diamond bracelet at Peppers'? she must have that rich honitan cape and accompaniments at Stebbin's? drawing-room day was approaching, and nothing less than one hundred and fifty guineas would suffice to purchase the dress she would be presented in; Madame Lacelooper, milliner and dressmaker to the Court, urged the necessity of her orders being in at an early day; and she must have that set of furs at Orchard's, and Mr. Bolt must give a brilliant introduction party. Many as were the poor fellow's previous wants Mrs. Bolt's arrival seemed to increase them four-fold. Nor would it have done for him to have intimated a necessity for retrenchment, inasmuch as she was equally determined to keep up the dignity of the establishment, and would not hear a word about limitation in anything. The poor fellow now began to think a time was coming when his diplomacy would be put to the test. He, too, had an eye to a little popularity at home, liked to be thought well of by his fellow-citizens, who, when abroad invariably want to see all the sights and dine with their Minister, and to that end gave them dinners and sundry other little things. Everything except his salary Bolt found enlarged, and as his time had been princ.i.p.ally taken up with the issuing of orders, so was it thereafter to be arranging certain payments. Isaacs, the Hebrew gentleman who took corners of advance checks for the convenience of his very aristocratic friends was seen frequently about the premises, looking very serious. Six months pa.s.sed and circ.u.mstances were changed with Bolt. The Countess Longblower no longer permitted him to sit at her side and play with the poodle; his fair admirers had lost all their compliments; and it became absolutely necessary that Mrs. Bolt return to the more humble precincts of her home on the other side of the water. When Peppers called for that trifle of ninety-seven guineas--pay for that necklace that shone so about Mrs. Bolt's neck when at Court--it was curious to see how the genius of Mr. Bolt would come out; and how in conjunction with Thomas' sagacity quite a comedy of sharps would be played. Thomas tended door, was rather sleepy of countenance, but could a.s.sume an air of great consequence, and would receive his importuning visitor with unexceptional bows. 'Peppers I think you said?' Thomas would politely inquire, smoothing his chin reflectively, giving his ear a knowing cant, and concluding by whisking his fingers through his powdered hair. 'Mr. Peppers presents a little affair this morning;' he would announce blandly, having left the gentleman standing in the hall. Mr. Bolt, who occupied a sumptuous arm-chair in the parlor, and generally sat reading leisurely the Morning Post, would receive this announcement with some change of countenance. 'Peppers! Peppers!' he would reiterate, Thomas watching his every movement. 'Blast the fellow--he's a perfect torment'--Thomas would interrupt by inquiring if he should bow the individual out.

'Say, Thomas,' he would rejoin, 'that we are engaged to-day studying treaties and cannot be disturbed--that he must call at a future day.'

Mr. Bolt would with great complacency, turn to a more comfortable position in his great chair. Thomas always executed his mission with great skill, informing the unfortunate individual that a little misunderstanding having broken out between the two nations, the Legation was extremely busy in the study of treaties, and could not be disturbed. Having digested this piece of information rather doggedly, Mr. Thomas would politely bow the gentleman into the street, watching his departure through the side lights. Another time, when Broadwood called for that trifle, having a deal of ready money to make up, it was despatch day; and upon the same principle despatch day came so often that people began to think the Great Republic engaged in one eternal controversy with the nations of Europe. Bolt never could be seen on despatch days. The man with the bill for the tin-teapot was alike unsuccessful; the gentlemen up-stairs walled themselves up in despatch days, while Thomas politely bowed out all-importuners. They were a scurvy lot, and might have known better! Mr. Bolt thought, as he contemplated the sacred character of the mission. I well remember how I laughed once, when Madame Lacelooper's man of business drove Mr. Secretary Bolt, as I thought, into close quarters. Thomas, in order to somewhat diversify his apologies, had three different times satisfied this person by informing him that the gentlemen of the Legation were in consultation with the Prime Minister; but this time he was determined to see for himself, and regardless of Thomas'

a.s.surance pushed his way into the presence of Mr. Bolt, who I need scarcely add was extremely put out. 'I ask your honor's pardon' spoke the man; 'you always come,' petulantly interrupted our hero, 'when we are in a uproar.' The man replied with a bow, that it was the first time he had gained an audience. He came from Madame Lacelooper's, and would be extremely glad if Mr. Bolt could make it convenient to discharge that little account, which had stood over for some time. It was only two hundred and fourteen pounds, he said, in reply to a question from Mr. Bolt, who encouragingly took the missive from his hand. 'Thank you--thank you!' the man continued, evidently encouraged as our hero cast his eye over the long list of items, so neatly carried out with heavy numbers of pounds, s.h.i.+llings, and pence. 'Rather heavy;' sighed the astonished Secretary. 'I suppose you have orders for all these little affairs?' The man replied that he would have them forthcoming if necessary--that Madame Lacelooper's was one of the most respectable establishments. With a gracious bow, reaching his hand for a book which the expectant gentleman mistook for a bank-book, Mr. Bolt replied that it was on that account he gave it his patronage. The gentleman thanked him for the honor, and hoped he would continue his favors. And while this little episode was performing in the great parlour, Mr. Thomas was exercising his skill in diplomacy at the door--informing gentlemen that Mr. Bolt was engaged over important State affairs, and politely bowing them out.'

"'Then Mr. Bolt having worked the gentleman's anxiety up to the highest pitch, would take up his great gold pen, and on a piece of whitest paper, figure, and figure, and figure, multiply and subtract, contort his face and nervously frisk his fingers through his curly black hair. It was all to no purpose, however he could not twist the plaguy figures into a favorable balance. In fact the balance, despite all his diplomacy, would get on the wrong page. At length, having exhausted patience and found language to adapt himself to circ.u.mstances, with great blandness of manner he would beg the gentleman, convey his compliments to Madame Lacelooper, and say that her little matter will be discharged at a future day. His balance, he was surprised to find, did not enable him to meet it today; and he further regretted that a very disagreeable affair having sprung up between the Emperor of the French and his government, requiring for a few days all the attention of the establishment, deprived him of the opportunity of repairing to his banker's for the purpose of enlarging his deposit. Ordering an attendant to bring in the treaties of 1812, he added how sorry he was to give Madame Lacelooper, for whom he entertained the highest regard, so much trouble. Legations were peculiarly situated at times, he said. In reply to an intimation from the gentleman in waiting, he said, gentlemen of the diplomatic corps never paid in piecemeal. Here Thomas would put an end to the comedy by announcing the arrival of the '_Minister for Foreign Affairs_,' and politely bowing out the retiring gentleman, who, you may well imagine, maintained a reluctant gravity. There was no end of these little diplomatic comediettas, while Bolt honored the mission with his presence, ending in what was long afterwards esteemed a capital joke, which, though somewhat against my feelings, I will confidentially relate. Bolt had named a certain day when all his little affairs would positively be arranged, and this dawned of a calm and sunny autumn morning, when everything about the Legation seemed to repose in peace and quietness--when wars and obdurate creditors were forgotten, and we plumed ourselves on the happy issue of several important international questions. One very important member of the corps, however, seemed to have something of great importance evolving in his mind; this was the sagacious Thomas, who paced the hall with more than ordinary superciliousness, now and then arranging his livery in the mirror. About eleven o'clock there came a great gathering of serious-looking individuals at the hall door; among them the quick eye of Thomas discovered the following very respectable gentlemen, viz.:--Broadwood, of the firm of Broadwood & Willow; Dole, the distinguished wine merchant; Staple, the bootmaker; Madame Lacelooper's man of business; and Peppers, the jeweller. The opening of the door was succeeded by a great rush. Having expressed some surprise at their mistake in calling so early, Thomas received his visitors with his customary equanimity, and begged to remind them that three o'clock was the hour appointed for the interview between themselves and Mr. Bolt. Here he threw a sly wink at Peppers, which that gentleman rendered into an intimation to remain, while he politely bowed the remainder out. 'Wonderful a.s.surance, these fellows have,' said Thomas, turning to Peppers, who began to think he was all right, 'they won't learn etiquette.' As he concluded he turned to have a view through the side-light at his friends outside, who hung contemplatively about the door, then addressing the inside gentleman--'Peppers, I think you said?' he continued, working his lips and smoothing his chin with the fingers of his right hand. That gentleman bowed affirmatively as Thomas advanced a few steps toward the parlor door, and then hesitated, as if in a deep study. 'Peppers, Peppers, Peppers!' he accented somewhat curiously, until the creditor had well nigh lost his patience in suspense. 'I beg your pardon, sir!'

(Thomas faced about with an entirely altered face), but, may I, ah!--hem,--you see; there is a small affair in the way, Mr. Peppers.

The truth is, Mr. Bolt has ceased his connection with this establishment.'

"'I must see him, nevertheless,' replied the obdurate creditor, permitting his suspicions to get the better of his judgment. 'If you do,' rejoined Thomas, bowing, 'you may have a longer drive than is agreeable at this season of the year.'

"'You don't mean to tell me that he has left?' demanded Peppers, stamping his foot, and allowing himself to become generally excited.

'Now, my friend,' Thomas replied in the coolness of his nature, making a motion to open the street door, 'just take the matter like a philosopher; don't let such little affairs trouble a man of your standing. The fact is, between the sundown of one day, and rosy dawn of another, our gallant Secretary just stepped out--that is, Mr. Bolt has bolted!' Thomas bowed him politely out, and I leave you to judge how many indignant threats were thrown out by Peppers, and what occurred when he related the climax to his fellow-creditors, who having a suspicion that all was not right, waited his appearance among them at the corner of an adjacent street, against the lamp-post of which they entered a protest deep and solemn. My great-uncle having concluded his story, adjusted his crutch, wiped his weeping eyes, relieved his hoa.r.s.eness with a small quant.i.ty of temperance bitters, and limped away.

[Note I.--The chapter is respectfully dedicated to General Pierce.]

[Note II.--The fastidious--I mean those rather inclined to facts, may, to please their peculiar taste, transfer the scene of Mr. Secretary Bolt's exploits to Paris; they may also add a date more modern.]

CHAPTER XXII.

HOW SMOOTH GOT HIS MANNERS.

"Readers, and fellow citizens of these United States in general! know ye, that I, Solomon Smooth, in the first person singular, as Uncle Sam Houston used to say, being worn out with the fatigues of the Ostend-Aix-la-Chapelle Congress, crossed the Atlantic in two steams.h.i.+ps--wanted to do both a good turn--got busted up by neither--and at last found myself calmly luxuriating in the velvet and damask of the 'White House.' By way of keeping up the spirit of Young America, I knocked down all the attendants, stalked in like an independent citizen who felt he was part owner of the establishment, spread myself upon the softest sofa, and demanded the flunkey, who stood trembling in the doorway, to bring me a Turkey ottoman, on which to advantageously take the measure of my extremes. Believe me, Sam, I went it in the way of comforts. The flunkey shook his head, and kept up a significant silence. This was rather too much for the patience of any respectable gentleman; and being aware that the Gineral had not larned him proper manners, I got up and brought it myself. Nor yet did it seem just the thing--something was wanting to complete the free-and-easy, to which end I pulled out a real Havana regalia, and puffed away so comfortably. Then I ordered the flunkey, whose hair was seen stiffening on his head with fright, to bring me a spittoon--felt sorry I neglected to import one from some of our European Legations!--or I'd hurl the liquid every which way--perhaps storm his high-colored Persian rugs! I was about to lay off in the very bliss of comfort, when Pierce, followed by his black pig, came laraping into the room, looking as amiable and undecided as ever. 'Smooth,' he exclaimed, greeting me with a heartiness of hand little expected, 'I am so glad to see you home once more!' Here he suddenly paused, gave out ominous looks, lowered his voice to a whisper, and continued: 'In the name of forgiveness, where did you contract such manners?' A little cold sweat bespread his brow just then. 'Upon the faith of my high position,' he continued, 'I thought my sending you to Europe would have proved a polis.h.i.+ng machine, and prepared you for s.h.i.+ning in society.'

"'Mr. Smooth,' I modestly returned, 'would prefer the General sat down and calmly listen to how he came by his pretty manners. Somebody has said, a man was known by the society he keeps. Be this as it may, General, I don't come here to cast a single reflection on you; nor would I proclaim to the fellow citizens of these United States that you are in any wise accountable for what I am going to say and disclose.' The General, somewhat struck by my demeanor, took a seat, nervously, and applied his ear, while I extinguished the cigar, and commenced summoning my thoughts. 'Having no manners when I left home, General, I naturally depended for them upon those whom my mission brought me in contact with. Now, General!--and this I would were held strictly confidential between ourselves--when I got on the other side of the water, (here I gave him a touch he understood), being your Minister in General I naturally fell in and a.s.sociated with your Ministers in particular; and such a lot they were! I couldn't trust my virtue in the company of one of them: albeit, in their company, you were sure not to get into decent society. Foreign victims of misgovernment had long viewed America as a land from whence came the plain unostentatious gentleman of sense. How sad to think that they had of late been so grievously disappointed! They are only men of coa.r.s.e manners, and low of bringing up, a.s.suming the democrat, while aping the sn.o.bism of the aristocrat. General, they are of your own selecting; and, mark me, I only name it here out of sincere regard for you, not expecting it to get abroad. In fact, General, the people of Europe find they have been deluded. They see us affecting contempt for the very fooleries we seek to imitate; they see these, your chosen, playing the coa.r.s.e ruffian to the end. To the foreign mind Americans are America--to its chosen they look for the embodiment of its inst.i.tutions It cannot comprehend that the mongrel-mixture you have sent abroad const.i.tute the very essence of that ill opinion gained of us by misrepresentation. This, General, is strictly private--only intended for your own good. It were folly to look for pretty manners in me after my connection with your chosen on the continent of Europe!

In London I found things all in a fuddle,--the head of the house having dwindled into obscurity, while the juniors had been in all sorts of business but that for which they had been paid and sent to discharge; indeed, the revolutionary business, into which members of the house had largely entered, had brought it into all sorts of difficulties and disgraces. Again it was currently reported that, for being too deeply engaged in the affairs of others, two of the smaller functionaries had found themselves locked up in a police-station, and only unlocked themselves with that protection which the sacred character of the mission is supposed to grant:--in fact, General, and I advance the intimation for your own good, the only thing in real good order was the smoking and spitting department. In Paris the house was a dead lock, inasmuch as the head couldn't understand a word the French said, either about himself or his government; while the retinue were all familiarly known at the cafes. In Madrid, the head of the house, not having the value of discretion before his eyes, had fuzzled away all his influence, having fought sundry duels, written himself down an a.s.s in controversy with editors, and failed in his proposal to build up a young republic on the ruins of an old and dissolute monarchy. Forcibly as the truth may depict our singular misrepresentation abroad, we cannot forbear to say, that, so far did this very French-American representative carry his fighting proclivities, that a single instance of their being excelled--our fighting London Secretary, who had challenged a score of very aged gentlemen (and had been equally courageous were they double the age!) without finding a single one to accept--could not be found. At the Hague, the very respectable Hebrew gentleman, who conducted the affairs of the house, had opened a barber-shop, where needy gentlemen could be shaved _ad libitum_--provided always they brought a certain description of notes, nor were dainty about how much were taken off the corner. The house at Lisbon, report said, had got into very orderly disorder, which was not in accordance with the character of the very respectable Irish gentleman who kept it, and who could absorb whiskey and tobacco with any other respectable gentleman from Kilkenny. To the denizens, among whom he had made an extensive acquaintance, his being an American and speaking such very good Irish and bad English was a perfect mystery. You may be sure he likes well his situation, and finds the duties of a Minister Extraordinary much preferable to leading the retreat of a _pampero_ expedition.' Here the General significantly opened one eye and shut the other: 'Only telling you this for your own good' I watched him anxiously as he grasped me by the hand, and replied: 'Smooth! the boldest stroke in my administration does not please me so much as sending you Minister in General to Europe. But can half you say be true?'

"'True?' I rejoined--'too true for delicate ears! General, you may accept my word when I say it is not so much the public duties as the private affairs of men you have got to keep a close eye upon; when the private affairs of public men get astray the public suffers: this is borne out in the result of your having appointed foreign gentlemen to misrepresent us abroad. Your house at Turin is fas.h.i.+onable, but sorely scandalized; the people there love the _fair_, but expect fairer things of Americans. Your son of Moses, who plays so well his part at Alexandria, is a bird vain of his feather, and may to-day be seen carried through the streets in something resembling a clothes-basket, and to-morrow in the market purchasing Nubian slaves fair to look upon. These things may be necessary to a very fine gentleman in Alexandria; but the being who performs them at the expense of his country well earns the pity of its people. And while I am on this theme, General, I cannot in justice pa.s.s over one whom I say in all seriousness has, when contrasted with others, won for himself immortal honors; I mean our worthy representative at St. Petersburg, who understanding no language but his own, and that very imperfectly, has the great good sense to say nothing, seclude himself from the society of the Czar, and seek only the enjoyment of his own melancholy contemplations. Now General; however much you may esteem the doings of your chosen, there is in Europe but one opinion of their manners; and that opinion being, I regret to say, not the very highest, will for some time to come measure our influence at sundry Courts. I got my manners, General, by mixing with your chosen!' The General here drew a long breath, said dinner was almost ready; would I not change the subject, and talk about the war business, and such things.

CHAPTER XXIII.

MR. SMOOTH PROPOSES TAKING MR. PIERCE'S FIGHTING BY THE JOB.

"Mr. Smooth, a young man of the fast school, has been calculating, during his tour in Europe, the saving it would be to nations if they would but let their wars out by the job to some enterprising fellow-citizen. He reckons, in a funny sort of way, he would then pay just in accordance to the amount and quality of thras.h.i.+ng it were necessary to inflict upon the enemy. That it would divest war of its glories, and ambitious men of their zeal, he never had a doubt. War taken by the job, at a given sum for thras.h.i.+ng the enemy right soundly, would resolve itself into a mere trading commodity, fit only to be dabbled in by shopkeepers and stockbrokers. By this turn in national affairs, Kings and Czars might curtail their ambition, and their devoted subjects, being paid to fight by the lump, would hurry through their contract. General Pierce, too, would find it decidedly more convenient, inasmuch as it would save his benevolent people the trouble of inflicting that most unwarrantable rebuke--sending bread to the hungry people at Greytown he has made homeless with his bombsh.e.l.ls. Smooth leans no disrespect to Mr. President Pierce, who, since his wondrous victory over the Mosquitoes, has disappointed the world by demonstrating the singular fact that he has a gunpowder policy, which he developes when he can find objects sufficiently small for his purposes. Heretofore, Smooth had got an idea in his head (crosswise he admits), that if Mr. President Pierce had anything a.s.similating to a policy, it must be like his grandmother's hard cider--the longer it remained exposed the flatter it became. That this was an egregious mistake, is fully proven to a mistaken world by the dauntless and immortal Admiral Hollins (he should be promoted to the rank), who, to give positive evidence of the size of his master's spirit, just battered down a defenseless town or two. It may turn out that the bombsh.e.l.ling was only to practice a little in that sort of gunnery, and that using up the property of American citizens to ill.u.s.trate the war principles of Uncle Sam was merely an evidence of s.p.u.n.k in Mr. Pierce, who expected his people to knock under.

"Smooth has been at the White House, seeing Mr. Pierce, and cautioning him about the look of things abroad, lest they get kind of snarled up.

"Being a genuine New Englander, with real Puritanic blood in his composition, Smooth considered himself a good sort of man,--rather a desirable neighbor, conscientious, extremely disinterested, and always ready to do a bit of a good turn, never forgetting number one. Smooth was just going to ask the Gineral if this was not so, when he smiled so free and easy that it settled the point shorter.

"'Now, Smooth, you've seen a good deal, I reckon, and must be a man of profound opinions: tell us, are we going to get fuzzled up in the breakers on the other side of the big pond?' inquired the Gineral, looking so serious that Smooth made it a point to get his ideas squared up.

"'Somethin for us citizens to have a go-in-at, you means, I s'pose?'

"'Yes!' replied the Gineral.

"Smooth reckoned 'twas best to have an understanding about how much he was going to get from Uncle Sam's c.h.i.n.k-locker for doing the thras.h.i.+ng for these United States afore he said much about what was going on in the world. Uncle Sam was a good old soul, and, seeing that he did not keep the best cash account in the world, Smooth had no objection to entering into the tin business with him, now that he had a large stock on hand. Smooth, however, must make one single proviso, and that is, that he be always permitted to work out the p's and q's of his own demands.

"'Ah!' replied the Gineral, good-naturedly; 'Smooth, you're a sharp fellow, with gumption enough to see through a thing or two; but remember, if we contract for the licking, with some enterprising individual, we must pay by measurement. There's the democracy to please, the country to satisfy, Young America to provide with clean s.h.i.+rts! I thought my gallant fellow Hollins would have done that when I sent him to _let strip_ at the Greytowners; but, as the result was different, a body can't always tell how such things 'll turn, I now think of letting him out to the Emperor of Russia, who having granted him means of developing his fighting capacity, by investing him with full power to thrash the allied fleets of England and France, would not hesitate to pay a large amount of revenue into the treasury of these United States for his daring services. But you see, Smooth, my government is merely an experiment, which may or may not please, and in this sense your experience will be extremely valuable.'

"Smooth saw Mr. President Pierce wanted experience; but, at the same time, he was fearful the General would get the points, and out-general him. However, as it was always better to have confidence in each other when pursuing a political question, and knowing the General to be a sort of clever fellow, ready to do almost anything, he entered upon the decyphering. There was the S.S.S. (Sickles, Souley, and Saunders) Company, doing a slap-up business in Europe! He must have them thrown in. While the head of the firm was generously lending a hand to turn mother monarchy out of doors, and the in-door partner was making sad use of the stock in trade (which consisted of a very large supply of letter-writing material, only to be used for disseminating republican principles), the junior of the house, taking advantage of the opportune moment, thought it quite in keeping with the spirit of the times to make a spec on his own account; and to that end the said junior partner (not the least sagacious of the three), with a bill of sale of Cuba in his pocket, had just stepped over to Was.h.i.+ngton to consummate the purchase, and revel awhile in the damask of the White House. Borland, finding no more congressional faces to smash in Was.h.i.+ngton--from which city it was considered General Pierce had removed an intolerable perplexity by sending him to foreign parts--had been recompensed by the smas.h.i.+ng of his own, in Central America, where he had raised a tolerable sort of a breeze. He, too, must be thrown in. Seymour, the blue-stocking governor, of whom so much was expected, and whose mission to the G.o.d of all the Rushas, American statesmen looked upon with great anxiety, it was currently reported had burrowed in a snow-bank somewhere in the interior of the amiable Czar's vast dominions, not one word having been heard of him for the last nine months. That he had not lent material aid to the fighting Cossack, was a source of grievous dissatisfaction to Young America.

"Smooth spread all these things out before the Gineral, just as clear as water. To get Cuba--which was not just ready to hook on--and St. Domingo, that it would take some nice diplomacy to make consider the annexation question, and a few slices more of Mexico, ready to make fast any moment; the Sandwich Islands, yearning to get in; Central America, hardly worth taking in, but nevertheless acceptable, on the ground of carrying out the universal plan, and Canada only requiring a little more coaxing, Smooth thought the cost could be reckoned down to a close figure. But there was Uncle Johnny, and his newly-coined friend Louis Napoleon, to be kept shy while all this was going on; and just there the plague and expense of the thing hung.

However, Smooth scratched his head, and made up his mind to enter into a bargain to do the licking at a fair showing, cash down. As to the brush between Nicholas and his neighbor--unhappy wretches; one always wanting to steal the bits of stray territory--Smooth found it painful to keep his fingers out; but there was this to be taken into consideration: the getting his fingers in might be the getting out of his commerce, which said commerce was the model machine of the Model Republic's power.

"Mr. President Pierce fully believed that Nicholas of all the Rushas had got his eye set to the East, notwithstanding he had quite enough to do in the West; and, though he declared himself moved only by christian visions, it seemed curious enough that he had not the slightest objection to raising most un-christian wars. Nicholas was shrewder than a Connecticut tin pedlar, and more ambitious than a South Carolina politician, who, ever and anon, is ready to war with the Britishers, because the _fools_ obstinately refused to admire slavery. Nicholas had got himself into an interminable fix. Mr.

Pierce, merely to please the youthful democracy, would like to lend Nick a hand to unfix himself, but the hitherto dormant power of the nation quickens to action, and says, 'It won't do, Mr. General Pierce!' Forced to submit, the General consoles himself with the fact that his friend Nicholas will draw himself into his invulnerable sh.e.l.l, sing the Te Deums, and trust the fate of war, for a dozen years or so, to the All-wise Father.

"'Now, Gineral,' said Smooth, addressing himself to Mr. President Pierce, 'the items are all down!--there will be warm work, depend upon it!--and seeing how Uncle Sam'll have to scratch in somewhere (just to make a point or two), Cousin Caleb and me will take the job of doing all the necessary fighting on both sides the big pond, and getting all the stray territory required to complete these United States, for eighty-six million dollars--two and a half per cent. off for ready money. Might as well let Smooth have the s.h.i.+ners, seeing how me and Caleb would give security to do the fighting up brown; and. then somebody was getting the tin out of Uncle Sam's big bag in a fast kind of way that n.o.body could explain. Smooth begged Mr. President Pierce to give the thing a few turns over in his head, and when the problem came as clear as daylight, send him his figure by the first post.'

With this, Mr. Smooth retired to the National.

CHAPTER XXIV.

MR. PIERCE SENDS SMOOTH DOWN AMONG THE BRITISHERS.

"Mr. Smooth (I write after the style most in fas.h.i.+on), having been a.s.sociated with Mr. Pierce, whose Minister in general he was, as has been set forth in this history, is come to be regarded as a very dangerous individual. It is astonis.h.i.+ng with what facility we gain bad repute from a.s.sociation with a certain cla.s.s of men and things. Our country is a stalwart oasis, rising in reproachful greatness over the old and dwindling dependencies around it; but our Pierce government is a waste in its centre, contaminating and casting the blight of intrigue upon those connected with it. It builds bulwarks for itself, and breaks them down with the mere fog of its own breakers. It, like a dauntless boy, seizes the helm of State, and steering by scheme instead of compa.s.s, runs the s.h.i.+p ash.o.r.e in unknown seas. As Smooth is a national Christian, he believes the timbers of the old s.h.i.+p tough and strong, or they had been bilged ere this. But, while speaking of contamination in connection with Mr. Pierce, he (Smooth) is forcibly reminded of the similarity between it and an episode in the life of his great-grandfather. This venerable ancestor, when fine society was less tenacious of its a.s.sociations, entered upon the cultivation of pumpkins as a business, but in after life, as the novelist has it, became a railroad president, and as an inseparable result, a great financier. When in the latter position, being a very sensitive person, he tried to get rid of the odor of the pumpkin business; but all to no purpose. Do what he would, go where he would, contribute to what he would, mix with what society he would, be as generous as he would, people were heard to whisper 'pumpkins;' and to construe his motives as prompted by the same spirit which induced him to make a business of cultivating that vegetable. A similar odor, arising from his connection with Pierce, Smooth found clinging to his garments. The world in general viewed him as a dangerous man, for the simple reason that his master was regarded with the same eye of suspicion. Pierce was not ignorant of this, and to obviate Smooth's difficulties, said he would send him Down East, as before related. Being of an undecided turn, he could not make up his mind about the war business in Europe, nor could he exactly define where he stood with regard to Central America. He would like to give me (Smooth) the job to do the fighting for these United States, for he felt sure I could not fail to make a grand affair of it. As for Caleb being taken into the contract (he, the General, shook his head doubtingly), he had some doubt of the policy; he was fast enough, but there was no knowing which way he would turn at any moment, nor was he at all times to be trusted. For the present, Smooth must be contented with a first-cla.s.s mission to Down East, where he would settle the fish and other questions international; at the same time, he might be evolving in his mind the affair of the war. Did Minister Smooth deem it expedient, he might without prejudice, taking the Ostend for example, call together on the Island of St. Paul--or, if preferable, the Isle of Sables--a Congress of American Ministers, provided, nevertheless, he invite Major Hammet, of the Pictou Mission, and Governor Darby, of the Isle of Dogs. Pierce strictly enjoined that no letters be received from Monsieur Souley, nor his dogmatic Secretary, and that the subjects to be discussed were the internal affairs of Baffin's Bay, Greenland, the North Pole, the Labrador Coast, and the straits of Bell Isle--from which the importation of cod oil had sadly fallen off during our fish difficulties. Not to weary the reader, Smooth is here happy to relieve his mind by stating that simple prudence restrained him from calling together this august Congress; he left it where he found it--in Mr. Pierce's fruitful head.

"Conscious of the necessity, Smooth bound Mr. Pierce down to detail, particularly stipulating that he should bear the ultimate responsibility in the event of failure. Now to the result!

"His opinion of the Novascotians had always been favorable, and when he left Mr. Pierce it was with a promise that he would do all he could to enlighten them. But as impressions will change at a nearer view, so when he got wrong did he regard both the quality and quant.i.ty of their radicalism as injurious to the best interests of the State. There was in the little green-hilled province an endless amount of political talking done, with so small an amount of patriotism evinced, that we were not at a loss for the cause that had kept the State in obscurity. Then there seemed so much government, that everything was ungoverned. And he (Smooth) thought there was a want of activity, physical as well as mental, and a recklessness of getting into debt to Mr. John Bull, who never could infuse a sufficient sense of honor into his Colonial subjects to make them pay over, or regard their obligations. Want of energy and a criminal dependence upon the 'home Government' for a.s.sistance, with which to develop the resources of the country, resulted in a want of confidence in the State's own means to better its condition. The Home Government, and an imported Governor, were blighting to their vital energies. This subject, however, is not fruitful, hence his reader will please accompany him to a different.