Townie_ A Memoir Part 19

That afternoon it had been snowing steadily for an hour or two, but now a wind had picked up, and we could see outside the windows of the mess hall the snow blowing sideways at the oak and hedges bordering the street, everything white, and Manny was talking in his smooth voice about Christmas. He sat across from Curtis, another inmate my age, a frizzy-haired, bucktoothed armed robber who liked to read and wanted to go back to school and be a horse doctor. Manny was telling his Christmas story to Curtis, but he kept looking over at me. I had one foot up on the dining table's bench, my clipboard and red pen resting on my thigh. I'd just finished a head count, and Manny must have known I liked his stories because he raised his voice just enough for me to hear him.

"It was Christmas Day in Denver, brother." And Manny told us of sitting at the bar just after noon sipping a V.O. and ginger, the only thing he ever drank. He was drinking alone, thinking about business, about people who owed him money and how hard it was to collect at Christmastime. He'd stepped into the bar because the air in the streets was so cold it "froze my face, brother. You know, it hurt your skin skin."

Curtis nodded and began talking about winters he'd known. In the corner of the mess hall, the kleptomaniac was singing "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain," his voice high and plaintive, and Dozer was laughing too hard as he won a hand, and Manny cut Curtis off about the ice storm that had sealed a canyon in Curtis's youth. Manny kept talking: "It's Christmas, but the bar is full, man, full of sad-a.s.sed players like me." It was warm and dark as a cave, and Freddy Fender was on the jukebox, and the bartender was an older woman with big b.r.e.a.s.t.s she didn't mind showing off in a low-cut sweater, two Santa earrings swinging at each ear. Manny ordered another V.O. and ginger and was fis.h.i.+ng in his pocket for some cash when a man behind him jumped up from a table and ran outside. From where he sat, Manny could see the whole scene out the oval window of the front door, as if it had been framed like that just for him. And he knew the man who'd rushed out to the street. It was Little Junior, a punk in the neighborhood who was into everything but his own business. He was small and always packing heat, and now he was pointing his finger an inch from a big man's face, a black man Manny had seen around for years. Manny turned to the barmaid who'd just finished mixing his drink, setting it on the bar in front of him, when four shots thumped through the air outside and Manny turned to see through the oval frame Little Junior falling away, the black man out of sight.

"We all went out there. You know, we stood around Little Junior just looking at him 'cause he was gone, brother. You didn't have to take his pulse or nothing."

Little Junior lay flat on his back, his arms and legs spread like he was going to make a snow angel. Only there was no snow, just the frozen air, and all four shots had ripped through his chest and now Manny was getting to the end of his story, the point that made him tell us in the first place.

"There was steam rising out of them holes, man. You could see it coming out of him." Manny looked from Curtis to me. He shook his head. "I know that was the heat of his body, but it was Christmas Day, brother, so I seen that as his soul, Little Junior's dirty little soul, rising up over us all."

THERE WAS Brendan D., a recovering c.o.ke addict who'd done five years for possession and for stealing thousands and thousands of dollars to buy that white powder he could no longer go a day without. He was born the same year I was and had grown up the son of a banker. He was raised in a s.h.i.+ny world of s.h.i.+ny things, he said, and it was at his private high school on acres of protected green that he discovered the rush of snorting white lines up his nose that put him in a soft white world where everything made sense and he was never at a loss for words.

"I just couldn't not be high anymore." Brendan told me this on a Wednesday or Thursday night after all the counseling sessions and recovery meetings were through. I was making my rounds, and he stood near his bunk folding clothes he'd just pulled from the center's dryer down in the bas.e.m.e.nt. He was in a white T-s.h.i.+rt and inst.i.tutional green pajama bottoms, a pair he must've gotten in rehab somewhere. His roommate, Hernando, was taking a shower in the bathroom down the hall. These were the last two on my head-count sheet, so I leaned my shoulder against the doorjamb and waited for Hernando.

"These meetings keep reminding me of that, Andre. Sometimes you forget."

I asked Brendan if he still had the craving for it. He nodded, placed folded jeans on his mattress, and reached for a s.h.i.+rt. "But not enough to do time again."

Maybe there was something in my face that made him talk more. Maybe it was how close we were in age, I didn't know, but he began telling me how scared he was his first months inside. How it took him a while to learn the rules, that you never take a favor or even a cigarette from anyone or you'll owe a debt and if you don't pay it, you're fair game. That as a fish, a new prisoner, you're fair game anyway. Especially when you're eighteen years old, like he was, with a smooth face and lean body. That was the first thing he had to do, prove he wouldn't be taken easily. His first week behind the walls, a big con in the commissary said in a loud voice that he was going to make Brendan his little punk. Brendan turned and told him just as loud to f.u.c.k off. There were C.O.'s there, so nothing happened, but the next morning just before stepping out into the corridor for formation to the mess hall, a con from next door pushed a rolled newspaper at him.

"I thought he was giving me something to read." Brendan smiled and shook his head. Inside the paper was a shank, a broken length of aluminum from the machine shop that had been sharpened to a point on one end, the other folded back on itself for a handle. "Stick them papers under your clothes 'fore you fight."

Then the formation was moving down the corridor, men in front of him and behind him, and as Brendan walked along to keep up he pushed the shank into the waistband of his prison-issue pants and began stuffing pages of the newspaper up under his s.h.i.+rt over his chest and abdomen, then around the back to cover his kidneys. The formation started down the stairs and he pulled the shank away from his skin and pushed it between the newspaper and his pants, and he wanted to thank the inmate who was helping him, but he already knew that you can't show that kind of softness, and he prayed he didn't owe him anything for this.

In the mess hall he sat at a long crowded table, a bowl of watery oatmeal in front of him he couldn't eat. His mouth was dry and he kept scanning the tables for the big loud one who would make him his punk.

He looked for him for weeks.

"What happened?"

"The C.O.'s heard what he said. They moved him."

"Anyone else come after you?" I felt nosy, like hearing someone young has died and asking the bereaved how it happened.

"No, people knew I was s.h.i.+vved up now. There were other fish in the sea."

"Did you ever have to fight?"

"No. I've never been in a fight in my life." Brendan was looking straight at me. "How old are you, Andre?"

"Twenty-three."

"Me too. You go to college?"

"Yeah."

"What years?"

I told him.

"The same years I was in the joint. Good for you for staying out of trouble." He dropped a folded towel on his mattress beside the small neat pile of what he wore and used, and I wanted to tell him about trouble, that I hadn't stayed out of it. Not at all.

ALAN D. called the inmates many things: animals, nut jobs, whackos, bad people. He was tall and broad-shouldered and wore brightly colored sweaters over his s.h.i.+rts, the collar tucked in close to his throat. He worked the day s.h.i.+ft and always had a big smile for me when I came in to relieve him at 4:45 p.m. He'd shake my hand, then shut both office doors to brief me on anyone I should keep an eye on. Unlike the case managers whose job it was to counsel inmates, our job was to keep them in line. At least that's how Alan saw it. When he spoke of the inmates, it was with a tone I remembered hearing as a kid from some of the cops back in Haverhill, that we were lowlifes, punks, and sc.u.m. Alan used that tone even when he talked to to them, even the very dangerous like Dozer and Harlan G., both of whom would give him a look he didn't seem to see, that they were very much looking forward to the day or night they'd find him outside of this place, outside of his job, outside of their parole. A day they were counting on coming. them, even the very dangerous like Dozer and Harlan G., both of whom would give him a look he didn't seem to see, that they were very much looking forward to the day or night they'd find him outside of this place, outside of his job, outside of their parole. A day they were counting on coming.

"THE INMATES like you too much." Duane was the director of this halfway house and the even bigger one in Denver. He weighed over 350 pounds and wore ties under v-necked sweaters that strained at his chest, shoulders, and gut. He had a whiskey-raw voice, and there was a haunted and intelligent light in his eyes above cheeks of broken purple capillaries. It was Monday, my off day, and he'd called me to come see him for a quick chat. We were in his office on the second floor. He sat behind his desk leaning back in an upholstered chair, and from where I sat in front of him I could see outside his window the bare branches of an oak tree, the pitched roof of a frat house on the other side of the street.

"Is that not good?"

Duane laughed. "No, that is not good. These are cons, kid. Once they get close, they'll con you. You want them to respect you, not like you."

But I found myself liking them, them, these people who'd done terrible things. "So what do I do?" these people who'd done terrible things. "So what do I do?"

"You need to stop acting like you're one of them."

Heat crawled up my face and forehead; it was as if I were standing naked on a city street. "All right."

"That's all. It's your day off. Go have some fun."

I thanked him and shook his hand and left his office. At the base of the stairwell, Old Frances was dusting the treads, a hump in her back. She smiled up at me as I pa.s.sed, this woman who'd been beaten and terrorized by her husband for three decades until one summer night she finally broke and took one of his many handguns, walked up to him as he sat at the dinner table, and shot him five times in the face.

Alan D. would call her a murderer, and legally speaking-and maybe even morally speaking-he was right. But as I smiled back at Frances, something I was going to have to stop doing so regularly now, I knew I didn't see her quite that way; I saw a woman who'd been hurt and hurt and hurt till she was so full of it she could only do two things: die of it, or push it all back out into the face of another. It was a nearly unavoidable flow of bad feeling, and as I stepped out into the cool spring air of this city in the foothills, I knew that's what joined me to these offenders, that shared ability to turn a wound into a wounding, one that might even kill another, the one who deserved it.

I HAD another job, too. On my off days and nights I worked for a private investigator who sometimes brought in wanted men for the bounty on their heads. For this work he used more than one name and months earlier had given me a new one. It's what I used when he introduced me in meetings with state and federal agents in a high-rise building in Denver. It's where the U.S. marshalls all looked in shape and wore crisp s.h.i.+rts and expensive ties, well-oiled handguns clipped to their belts above ironed pants. The agents from the New York office of the DEA wore sweaters or open-collared s.h.i.+rts, and they talked fast and chewed gum and one of them kept looking me up and down, this twenty-three-year-old in corduroys and a leather jacket, this kid my boss introduced as his "a.s.sociate." The CBI agent was undercover, a big Latino in a dark T-s.h.i.+rt, his arms wrapped in tattoos, and he sometimes glanced over at me in these meetings as if I were a potted plant in the corner somebody should water but not him.

I didn't like my new name. It was monosyllabic and too common, but I was glad to have it. My boss had a few aliases, but his real name was Christof. At thirty-five he was over six feet and a sloping 230 pounds. He wore a thick Western mustache and had dark circles under his eyes from kidney damage he'd suffered in a car accident years before, and he lived in the canyons above Boulder and drove a 1953 black Buick Skylark he'd named Beulah.

I'd met him at the center where we both watched over men like Dozer and Manny and Harlan G. Christof was friends with the supervisor, and he'd asked him for a few s.h.i.+fts a week. We both started as correctional technicians the same night. Christof probably needed the extra income, or was keeping an eye on an inmate involved in a case he was working on, I didn't know. But I liked how directly he spoke to everyone, how he looked people in the eye deeper than anyone I'd ever seen before. This made some people nervous, including me, but especially Alan D.

Briefing me and Christof in the closed office, Alan D. had a hard time looking straight at him. Cristof would already be leaning back in the chair at the main desk, a damp mukluk crossed over one knee, and he'd give Alan his entire attention, his eyes narrowed slightly above those dark rings above that thick mustache and pursed lips. Then he'd nod his head, and Alan would turn to me and his cheeks would flush as if he'd just been revealed in some way.

Christof gave the inmates that direct gaze too. It was a look that said he knew what they were capable of, both the good and the bad, but he also knew they could grow free of the bad, could rise to the higher parts of themselves he was seeing too. This seemed to scare the s.h.i.+t out of them. Most had a hard time looking him in the eye, and they'd sign in quickly at the half-door of the front office and head to their rooms. But I noticed, too, that on the nights he worked, far more inmates than usual dropped by. They'd knock on the door casing or stand there quietly before asking about their latest ch.o.r.e a.s.signment or the time of their next case manager or AA meeting, or when they were to meet again with their P.O. down in Denver. These were questions most of them had the answer to already, and he would invite them into the office and have them sit on the chair in the corner facing him. He'd give them that look and start asking questions about their lives, and even cons like Harlan G. would start talking about being a kid again, just a kid who never thought this is what he would have become.

I'd leave the office around then because I knew what was coming next. Christof would pull his chair closer. His voice would deepen and he would get them to keep looking at his face and he'd somehow take them to places inside themselves that were broken and had been left like that for far too long. Sometimes I'd stand just outside the office and listen. It was hard to hear the actual words, but the sounds were clear; Christof's voice would be low, careful, and focused, the inmate's resisting, often defiant, a tone that seemed to have inherent flaws in it, fissures Christof moved into until there was a pause, then a yielding, then the inmate's voice would become higher and anguished, as if a small boy had been buried for years beneath the muscle and scarred flesh of a man who had finally turned around to see him standing there, looking up at him, waiting.

Later, I'd see a change in these people. It was subtle but the very air around them appeared cleaner and lighter, and they moved through it with a newly discovered purpose I could only call hope. Old Frances, the woman who'd shot her husband in the face, said Christof was a G.o.dly man, that G.o.d was talking through him.

I didn't know much about G.o.d, but I was learning more about mysteries. This came largely in the form of images, those in my daily writing, and those in the waking world that for me now were rarely as clear as the ones I dreamed. But I was learning, too, that some images on the page are mirages, that you can work hard as ever to make them real, reaching for the right words which are always the truest words, and still what you've written is some kind of lie, though you've told it well; I'd want to write about a man on a job site, but an old woman on the street would show up instead. I'd barely see her at all, just feel her outside the walls of the house my character was building, and I began to learn that that's where the story was, with that old woman I didn't even want to write about. I began to learn that some images were simply projections of what I hoped to write, and that what I I wanted was completely beside the point anyway, that these things had a destiny of their own and my job was to wanted was completely beside the point anyway, that these things had a destiny of their own and my job was to find find them. It took a while for me to start seeing it this way, and I resisted for this meant cutting weeks or months of work; but more than that, it meant falling into the unknown. them. It took a while for me to start seeing it this way, and I resisted for this meant cutting weeks or months of work; but more than that, it meant falling into the unknown.

But it's what I'd done on my fourth day in Madison, Wisconsin. I walked to the office of the man who ran the department of Marxist social science, and I quit.

I drove straight to Austin and spent three weeks living with Kourosh in a small house he was renting not far from campus. I'd write every morning, then walk to the gym and lift weights, but it was different now. I didn't think much anymore about having to fight anyone. Fear and rage used to help me push that iron bar off my chest, but now it was just a good way to sweep all those words and sentences out of my head. The harder I worked in the gym, the emptier my head got, and the next morning seemed to go better. Writing was becoming as ingrained a habit as workouts, a private and necessary thing I had to do, but I did not see this as my work or my purpose. I didn't even appear to be any good at it, and whenever Kourosh asked me what I was doing with my life, I'd shrug my shoulders and say, "Man nehmiedoonam." I do not know.

I kept thinking of Liz in Colorado, kept seeing her under the sun in that parking lot in Boston. That night I called her, told her I missed her, asked if I could come see her awhile. Her tone went from cheerful to guarded to reluctantly yielding, but she said I could come stay with her and her roommate till I found a place of my own.

Six months later, Liz had dropped out and moved to California and I was living in a motel in the shadow of the Flat Irons working for Christof. There was the feeling I'd displaced her, had shown up and derailed her dream of getting educated in the Western mountains. In that time we drank too much, didn't talk enough, took refuge too often in our warm bodies till they cooled, her sweet roommate forgotten.

My room at the motel had a desk, a bed, a shower and toilet. No TV or radio. No shelves or pictures on the wall. I bought a coffeemaker that brewed one cup at a time, and each morning I'd drip some and stare out my window at the back of the pancake house, its blue dumpster set against a graying plank fence. On the other side was the street, the traffic slow and easy, beyond that a shopping plaza, then a rise of ground where split-level homes were set into the aspens and columbine, then the steep climb of the Flat Irons, these ma.s.sive slabs of stone under a cold blue sky.

I'd pull the musty curtain closed and sit and sharpen my pencil and stare at what I'd written the day before. So much of this seemed to be staring, waiting really, waiting for something true, no matter how small, to reveal itself. I'd write the wrong words, the false or slightly false, and nothing substantial would come. I'd cross it out, this act of cutting a gesture of good faith that somehow summoned the glimpse of something real: the front tire of a red tricycle, a woman hanging up the receiver in a phone booth, a car pulling too fast out of a driveway-then there were only a few seconds to find the words to catch those images before they faded and I'd be left staring again. But if I caught one, then that thing led to the next to the next and some days it was hard to stop though I knew I had to; there should be something left in the well for the following day.

Ever since I was a boy running from other boys, I'd been making myself into a man who did not flee, a man who planted his feet and waited for that moment when throwing a punch was the only thing to do, waited for that invisible membrane around me to fall away and I'd gather once again the nerve and will to shatter another's. But I had discovered a new membrane now. The one between what we think and what we see, between what we believe and what is is.

ONE LATE morning, sitting alone at the desk in my motel room, I pushed aside what I'd been writing. All my staring and waiting had brought scenes that led to other scenes, but I'd felt little to nothing about the people in them and I didn't know why until I read The Stories of Breece D'J Pancake The Stories of Breece D'J Pancake. It was clear Pancake not only knew the West Virginia hollows he was evoking so well on the page, he became became the men and women and kids living in them. Maybe he even loved them. And he showed this by writing in a simple, naked style that drew the reader's eye not to him but to the men and women and kids living in them. Maybe he even loved them. And he showed this by writing in a simple, naked style that drew the reader's eye not to him but to them. them. It's what I had not been doing. Somewhere along the way I had started trying to sound like a real writer, something I did not see myself as, a contradiction between my actions and my desire that seemed to put me in the worst stance possible for writing honestly: I was staring at myself as much as I was staring at the page; I had one eye on the mirror to see how I was doing. It's what I had not been doing. Somewhere along the way I had started trying to sound like a real writer, something I did not see myself as, a contradiction between my actions and my desire that seemed to put me in the worst stance possible for writing honestly: I was staring at myself as much as I was staring at the page; I had one eye on the mirror to see how I was doing.

Years later I would read this definition of sincerity in Nadine Gordimer's novel A Son's Story: A Son's Story: "Sincerity is never having an idea of oneself." I was still the boy who could not bear being perceived a certain way, a boy who'd learned to fight and get hurt or worse just so he would not be seen as weak. But what did being "Sincerity is never having an idea of oneself." I was still the boy who could not bear being perceived a certain way, a boy who'd learned to fight and get hurt or worse just so he would not be seen as weak. But what did being seen seen have to do with writing well? It was time to start have to do with writing well? It was time to start seeing seeing. I sat at that desk feeling small and self-absorbed and with little ability to do this one thing I felt pulled to do. But this negative self-scrutiny was just another form of insincerity; I I had to disappear altogether. had to disappear altogether.

It took a few days or a week or longer, but I seemed to be staring at the page from someplace emptier than before, a place lower to the ground and more open to whatever or whoever might come. And it was an inmate, fresh out of prison and out on a date with a woman for the first time in years. He's sipping coffee, listening to her talk, behind this moment all those thousands and thousands of caged moments leading to this one, and he can't keep them from entering the present with this woman just inches away.

Then I was going back to the joint with him, living through being new in the prison yard, having to fight to save myself, even making a name as one not to f.u.c.k with, looking out for a smaller man in my cell block, all while counting the days till I'm free.

It took five weeks to write a beginning, a middle, and an end. When I wrote that final pa.s.sage it was raining outside and my breath was high in my chest and I was tapping my foot under the desk, my hand and pencil joined together. The room was quiet. There was just my breathing and the ticking of rain against the gla.s.s.

OVER THE next few days, I typed the story on a black Royal typewriter I'd bought from a woman in Loveland. I'd found her through the cla.s.sified ads of the newspaper and drove out to where she lived in an Airstream trailer in a brown valley in the shadow of a mountain. She had two typewriters to sell, both of them her father's. He'd been a journalist and war correspondent and had just died. She told me this almost cheerfully, this kind-faced woman in a smock and jeans, but when I pointed to the one I wanted, she began to cry. She shook her head and covered her mouth and apologized. She asked if fifty dollars was too much, and I paid her and we hugged each other as if we had both lost him, and now I was typing the last line of my story on her father's black Royal.

It was only seven pages long. I called it "Forky" and drove to a copy center across from campus, made six copies, then mailed five to magazines, one in Boston, three in New York City, and one in Chicago. It was the first time I'd done that. It was like throwing a rock over a cliff and waiting to see if it would make a sound.

The sixth copy I mailed to the only writers I knew, my father and his wife back East. Three days later, there was a knock on my door, a skinny drunk who lived across from the phone booth telling me I had a call.

It was Pop. "Son?"

"Yeah?"

"You're a writer, man."

He'd told me that once before and I'd deflected it, deflected the word itself, but hearing it now was different for I felt tied only to what gave birth to that word, the writing writing, the sweet labor of it, and now he was talking about this new story, praising it far more than I thought it deserved. But hanging up, I was grateful for the call, for my far more experienced father to take the time to see what I was doing and say something about it. This was something he had never done much of, and as I walked back down the hall to my room, there was the feeling I'd stepped into a river whose current was taking me to someplace good.

IT WAS night and I was back on Columbia Park again. The house was full of men drinking and smoking, trash-talking and yelling, laughing across rooms to one another through the noise from our stereo they'd cranked too loud. I was sick and weak, my mouth dust and ash, and my hands were unable to grasp anything though I was trying to yank men out of chairs and off our wicker couch. I was screaming to get out, get the f.u.c.k out, out, and I was kicking and throwing wispy punches that missed. I got only one or two men out the front door and off the porch, my face burning, my stomach rising up, then I was on my knees, my head resting against the cool seat of the toilet. I was in my bathroom in Boulder, and I'd been this way for days. It was some microscopic bug, but it felt like punishment. For everything. For keeping over fifty men in line with my clipboard and red pen. For never clearing anybody dangerous out of my house. For all the faces I'd punched. and I was kicking and throwing wispy punches that missed. I got only one or two men out the front door and off the porch, my face burning, my stomach rising up, then I was on my knees, my head resting against the cool seat of the toilet. I was in my bathroom in Boulder, and I'd been this way for days. It was some microscopic bug, but it felt like punishment. For everything. For keeping over fifty men in line with my clipboard and red pen. For never clearing anybody dangerous out of my house. For all the faces I'd punched.

I was tired of living alone a mile above sea level and so far from a beach or anyone who'd known me for a long time. I was tired of the inmates, of being one of the men who stood between them and freedom. And something had changed in me. I no longer wanted to be proving myself to myself over and over again. It was time to go back East. It was time to go home.

THREE WEEKS later I'd gotten back in the mail four of the stamped self-addressed envelopes I'd sent to Boston and New York City. Each of them came with a form letter, a note really, no more than three lines long. Thank you for your interest in our magazine, but unfortunately this piece is not right for us. Sincerely Yours. Thank you for your interest in our magazine, but unfortunately this piece is not right for us. Sincerely Yours. Only one of them had a name beneath that, and it came from an inked stamp, a scrawl of letters I couldn't read. Only one of them had a name beneath that, and it came from an inked stamp, a scrawl of letters I couldn't read.

When the fifth one came I didn't open it right away. It was a manila envelope with my story in it, and I felt little about this, which told me I hadn't expected much in the first place. But I knew I'd send it out again. Why not? I was done with it.

I was checking my savings pa.s.sbook. I had enough to gas up and drive two thousand miles east, to stay at a cheap place along the way if I had to, but there wasn't enough for first and last month's rent once I got there, and I didn't want to crash at Pop's place, or Jeb's, or Sam and Theresa's. It was late spring, early summer. I saw myself in Boston, maybe working in a halfway house, doing some kind of good while I lived alone and taught myself to write more honestly. I wanted to find a job at night so I could write all day.

Before I could leave, though, I'd have to work here longer. There were more jobs I could do for Christof. I'd trailed a diamond thief for him once, a tall black man in a brown suit I followed through the streets of Denver for two days. I watched him walk into one jewelry store after another, trying to switch real diamonds for zircons. I'd logged what I'd seen, pa.s.sed it on to Christof and got paid three hundred dollars.

I picked up the fifth manila envelope and opened it. Clipped to my ma.n.u.script was a long typewritten letter. At first I thought it was a detailed criticism of why they wouldn't even think of publis.h.i.+ng my story. But there were adjectives of praise, a few editing suggestions, and at the bottom of the page what they, Playboy Playboy magazine, planned to pay me for this story: two thousand dollars. magazine, planned to pay me for this story: two thousand dollars.

It was hard to imagine having that much money in my pocket, but my fingers were trembling and my feet were air, and I was running down the motel hallway to the pay phone to call someone, but who? Who Who?

I pushed a dime into the slot and pressed 0. A woman answered. She had the voice of a lover, and I asked her to make the following call collect to this number, and tell him I'll pay him back later. Tell my father I can pay every bit of it back.

15.

I WAS LIVING ACROSS the river in Bradford Square in a one-room apartment above a fish market and a shoe repair shop. My apartment's heat never seemed to turn off, so I kept my windows open and could smell shoe polish and damp leather, fresh fish and the cool water of the lobster tank, car exhaust and the Merrimack, a smell I now a.s.sociated with home. Two doors down from me was Ronnie D's bar, and on Friday and Sat.u.r.day nights I could hear the bar noise out in the streets. Sometimes they'd keep the door propped open, and there was the din of talk and laughter, the jukebox thumping out a tune, a man shouting at a game on the TV. At last call, just before one in the morning, the regulars stood on the sidewalk out front smoking cigarettes or a joint, drunk and brain-happy and not wanting to go home. Some nights I was down there with them, standing with Sam and Theresa and maybe a woman I'd met. Pop would be down there too, looking for a party to go to next, or breakfast, or the Dunkin' Donuts across the river that he and one of his friends called "Dizzy Donuts" because they'd walk in there between two and four in the morning to sober up on crullers and coffee, flirt with the waitress under the flat fluorescent light. WAS LIVING ACROSS the river in Bradford Square in a one-room apartment above a fish market and a shoe repair shop. My apartment's heat never seemed to turn off, so I kept my windows open and could smell shoe polish and damp leather, fresh fish and the cool water of the lobster tank, car exhaust and the Merrimack, a smell I now a.s.sociated with home. Two doors down from me was Ronnie D's bar, and on Friday and Sat.u.r.day nights I could hear the bar noise out in the streets. Sometimes they'd keep the door propped open, and there was the din of talk and laughter, the jukebox thumping out a tune, a man shouting at a game on the TV. At last call, just before one in the morning, the regulars stood on the sidewalk out front smoking cigarettes or a joint, drunk and brain-happy and not wanting to go home. Some nights I was down there with them, standing with Sam and Theresa and maybe a woman I'd met. Pop would be down there too, looking for a party to go to next, or breakfast, or the Dunkin' Donuts across the river that he and one of his friends called "Dizzy Donuts" because they'd walk in there between two and four in the morning to sober up on crullers and coffee, flirt with the waitress under the flat fluorescent light.

But on this night I'd stayed in, and now it was after last call and I could hear a fight outside. Yeah, mothuh Yeah, mothuhf.u.c.ka? Then the dulled thump of a fist on flesh, a woman shrieking, Kill him, Bryan! f.u.c.kin' Kill him, Bryan! f.u.c.kin' kill kill him! him!

I looked out my window and there in the middle of Main under the dim flicker of the streetlights, one man lay curled on his side and another man was on one knee punching him in the face, but the man kept covering up with his arms and hands so the other stood and began kicking him in the chest and shoulders and head.

I told you, Joey! I f.u.c.kin' told told you! you!

The kicker was my age. He wore jeans and work boots and a denim jacket that Big Pat Cahill grabbed and jerked backwards, the man pivoting to throw a punch till he saw it was Pat and dropped his hands. He was breathing hard. I knew him. It was Bryan F. He'd been one of the kids from the bus stop at the corner of Seventh and Main, one of the kids who'd sat on the steps beside Pleasant Spa toking on a joint from Nicky G., taking a hit off the Southern Comfort bottle from Glenn P.

Bryan's hair was shorter now and even from my second-story window I could see his three-day beard, a blue-black shadow of whiskers covering the same square jaw he'd had as a kid twelve years earlier. Cahill was telling him to get going, somebody had called the cops. The man Bryan had beat on was rising to his feet. He was a tall bundle of rags, a stoop-shouldered long-hair who slunk back into the bar crowd in front of Ronnie D's. Pat yelled at everyone to go the h.e.l.l home, and Bryan was walking under my window now with someone I couldn't see.

"I just had to do that, man. I've been in a mood to fight all f.u.c.kin' day."