Under the Big Top: My Season With the Circus Part 15

"Five.

"Four."

Until every voice in the six-story tent begins to chant in rare harmony.

"Three.

"Two.

"One..."

And all our dreams confront their test.

"Fire!"

Inside the barrel Sean Thomas waits.

"When I first get in the barrel I check all the parts. I look at the slide to make sure it's all greased. I look at the cable to make sure it's not snagged. Then after I rest my b.u.t.t on the seat and put my feet on the stand I look out through the mouth of the cannon to make sure I'm pointed in the right direction."

Outside Jenny stands at the controls-four levers and a series of flas.h.i.+ng lights-and makes the final preparations. She wears a headset to communicate with Sean. A small video screen reveals the distance the launching capsule has been retracted. Every show the measurement is adjusted. Though the front of the cannon is always precisely one hundred feet from the front of the bag, the amount of power Sean requires depends on the density of the air, the slope of the lot, and the relative strength of the cannon propulsion system itself.

"There's no reason anything should go wrong," he said. "It's pretty close to a science."

Not particularly scientific himself, Sean approaches each date with the cannon as if he's preparing for battle.

"I call it the Beast," he said. "Elvin says be friendly to it and it will be friendly to you. But it can turn on you like that. It can kill you in an instant. It's like the enemy and we're at war. I feel like it's always trying to get me, so I've got to find another angle. Every show it's something else. Every day it's like wrestling with fate."

Lying p.r.o.ne in the capsule with his rear end on a saddle, Sean prepares for battle. He grips his fists alongside his face and looks once more toward the mouth of the barrel.

"Inside, just at the lip of the cannon, there's a b.u.mper sticker that says: 'NO GUTS NO GLORY.' I used to have a surfing T-s.h.i.+rt that said that. There was this big wave and this tiny guy who was just a dot on the s.h.i.+rt. It was my favorite s.h.i.+rt, but it got ruined the first night I wore it. I got into a big fight and blood went everywhere. Later I saw the sticker and put it in the cannon. It's the only thing that keeps me company."

From his pad Sean announces he is ready. From her post Jenny pa.s.ses on the word. From the ring Jimmy informs the world.

"Countdown."

Inside, Sean receives the command as it echoes down the solid-steel barrel. When he first slid into the cannon, two years earlier, Sean was reckless, even cavalier. Even at the start of his second season, he was ruthless with the Beast-kicking it, beating it, tempting it to challenge him. But by year's end he had been transformed.

"Five."

"I'm much calmer now," he said in the front seat of the cannon just minutes before his final shot. He was listening to Percy Faith love songs on the ca.s.sette player in the dash. A picture of Jenny was taped next to the speedometer. The handle of his white plastic brush was broken in two. "I'm a much better person than I used to be. I don't know if it has to do with reading the Bible or what. I think it has more to do with getting married and kind of growing up a little bit." His voice was lower than it was when I first met him. He was less likely to punch me in the arm for fun.

"Four."

"Now I have responsibilities," he continued. "I don't just worry about myself. Before, I didn't even do that. Now I have to worry about somebody else. Plus myself. I have to feed her. I have to clothe her. She doesn't work anymore. Before, I didn't have anybody depending on me. Now I have to worry about what I do in the cannon, because if something happens to me in there, then she's left all alone."

"Three."

As with his view of himself, Sean's view of the show had also evolved. The first day I met him he climbed on the cannon and left me standing on the ground. "So, you want to have a peek inside?" he had taunted. "Why not," I had said. "Because you can't," he replied. For weeks afterward I accepted his challenge and began piecing together the "world's largest secret." Much of it was simple. Inside the barrel was a coffin-sized capsule attached to a narrow cable; the capsule was pulled back into launching position by a hydraulic piston; the piston locked the capsule under the handle of a giant mechanical trigger. But what was it that gave the capsule the power to launch the cannonball? At first I thought a spring, or maybe even the explosion itself. Both of these were wrong, I soon discovered, though I couldn't figure out why.

"Two."

Finally, about a week before the end and with our friends.h.i.+p well established, the newly humbled Human Cannonball invited me inside the barrel. There I saw Sean's b.u.mper sticker. There I felt his source of flight. There I heard the silent echo of every child who hoped to fly.

"One."

And there I realized that certain dreams are better left preserved.

"Boom!"

Emerging from the cannon, Sean looks like a blur. His body shoots from the barrel like a cork from a champagne bottle, bursting fifty feet into the air with a shower of bubbly oohs and aahs and an explosion of speed and light. Halfway to heaven his arms slowly open as if he's swimming toward the top of the tent. Then for an instant he seems to stop-he's reached his peak, he's mounted the sky-before he finally ducks his head and begins his final descent.

"Flying is the greatest sensation," he said. "When I take the hit and leave the barrel I feel as if I could fly forever. That's when I know I can do anything. My mind slows down. I know I'm going to hit the bag. And then at the peak my momentum stops and finally I feel that I'm free-falling. Falling, falling, falling, falling, then, boom!, I land on my back. It's not like anything in the world. It's not like diving off a diving board. It's not like surfing on a wave."

"Is it like s.e.x?"

"What, are you nuts? I mean it's good, but it ain't that good! It doesn't make me blow a nut."

Sean lands in the bag with a giant puff. I breathe my final smile of relief. The audience slowly rises to its feet as Sean steps out of the yellow-and-blue pond with a slightly dazed look on his face. He tosses his helmet to the prop boss and skips to the center ring.

"Ladies and gentlemen...the Human Cannonball...Seaaaaaaaan Thomas...!"

Sean plants his feet slightly apart, lifts his arms high into the air, and beams at the last row of the crowd as if to say, "Hey, look, I did it. Now let's hear some applause." For a full minute he draws that applause, and at the end of that time he looks off to the side, where Elvin Bale has returned for the final show of the year and is sitting in his wheelchair with his arms in the air like a proud parent who watches his child succeed and knows just how it feels.

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, you have just witnessed another milestone in American show business history...." Jimmy straightens his red tailcoat and steps to the center of the world's largest tent. "Tonight's performance concludes a ninety-nine-city tour, through sixteen states, covering over twelve thousand miles, and giving five hundred and one performances. None of it would have been possible without you, the American circus-going public. We sincerely thank you for your patronage..."

With a final blow on his ringmaster's whistle and a gentle sweep of his arm toward the door, Jimmy draws the season to a close. The band marks the moment with a teary rendition of "Auld Lang Syne." The cast quickly streams from the tent. Outside, the performers barely pause at the door before sprinting to their trailers and shedding their spangles for the final time. Quickly, desperately, they want to be free.

The last person out of the tent is the ringmaster himself. Not so fast on his feet, less desperate to flee, Jimmy slowly pads from the tent with a fog of tears eclipsing his eyes. His smile is weary. His bow tie is gone. In his hand he carries a small tote bag.

"So now you know...," he says as he stops by my side.

"Yes, I do," I reply. We both shake hands.

"I hope you tell the truth," he says. "Soon all of this will be gone."

Back in the Alley the others have gone. I slip off my oversized red-and-white shoes and unhook my floppy gold tie. Piece by piece I remove my costume: my bright orange pants, my white dinner jacket, and my pointy hat with the elastic strap. I fold each of these and lay them in my trunk, already battered from three weeks on the road. At last I slip off my stained skullcap and queen-sized stocking hair net. The only thing left is my bright white face, with the smooth black clefs and the crisp red nose. Squeezing baby oil into my hands, as I have done more than two hundred times before, I smear it into my pores and rub the graphic red and black features into the layer of solid white that covers my skin from my forehead to my throat. After several quick wipes with a well-stained towel my face dissolves into its former self, like a black-and-white negative slowly changing into color. I look at the mirror that hangs in the corner and the image reflected is clearly mine. Instinctively I try to smile, but the truth is painted all over my face. I am myself.

By the time I step outside, the city is already halfway torn down. The flying rigging is being dismantled. The tympani drum is being carted away. The bears and tigers have already gone. By twenty after ten the last lights have come down, leaving behind the empty whale where elephants and horses so recently danced. A few men pull down the outer poles. Ropes dangle everywhere. In a moment a light mist begins to fall. By eleven o'clock the tent is dark. All the seats have been removed. All the magic has been excised. One by one the quarter poles are released and the heavens are slowly winched down to earth, until at twenty minutes before midnight, with a silent, swelling slap, the world's largest big top spanks a final time against the pale, wet Florida gra.s.s. Few people are around to witness the sight-the crew, a few of the mechanics, and, fittingly, the owner.

Johnny startled me moments later as I watched the men dismantle the center poles into their male and female halves. His voice was valedictory. His eyes were heavy. "A long time ago I learned that there are many things in life that I wished I'd looked at just a little longer," he said. "I always think I might not see it again and I want to remember it. I used to do that with my home. When I left home every spring to go on the road I would walk around the house a little bit. I would wander through the flower beds and the lawn. The trees are here, I would say to myself. The house is here. They might not be here when I get back. It's the same way with the show. I'm always afraid that something will happen to me, or to the circus, and I might never see it again. One year I will be right."

Quietly and with casual sleight of hand he produced a bag from behind his back and laid it in my arms.

"I want you to have this," he said, "and I want you to know: no matter what else, you were a d.a.m.n good clown. You made our show better this year."

I thanked him for his generosity, then peered into the bag. Inside were several bundles of faded cloth, four tattered talismans: CLYDE BEATTY, COLE BROS., CIRCUS, and on top of the others, the American flag.

"You can never say goodbye to the circus," he said, "no more than you can ever say goodbye to your childhood. We'll see you again. I'm sure of that. Now you're one of us."

Johnny shook my hand and walked away-vanis.h.i.+ng himself in the cover of darkness like the show he so adored. Left alone, I followed his cue, and with one last look at the rolled-up tent, now easing around its spool, I started my camper and drove off the lot-onto a road without any arrows, toward a tomorrow without a circus.

Home.

Behind the Painted Smiles.

One lingering effect of my year in the circus is that various words now mean different things to me than they do to the rest of society. One of these is the word "clown," which I am distressed to observe has developed a surprising currency as an insult. Another is the word "circus," which has somehow come to mean "chaos," as in "It's a media circus out there" or "My office is a three-ring circus." After watching the world's largest big top go up and down ninety-nine times and seeing two hundred people and two dozen animals move twelve thousand miles and do five hundred and one performances in slightly over eight months, I can say with a certain degree of confidence that I have never been around anything as well organized as a three-ring circus.

With that in mind I would like to thank the two hundred men and women of the 109th Edition of the Clyde Beatty-Cole Bros. Circus, many of whom appear by name in this book. Their dedication is boundless, their skills unrivaled, and their unflinching hospitality in the worst of conditions made me a believer in the magic of the circus. In particular, I would like to thank the following people who welcomed me into their lives: Khris Allen; Gloria, Dawnita, Elvin, and Bonnie Bale; Elmo Gibb; Blair and Mark Ellis; the Estrada Family; Nellie and Kristo Ivanov; Jimmy James; Kris Kristo; Inna and Venko Lilov; Fred Logan and Family; Mich.e.l.le and Angel Quiros; the Flying Rodrguez Family; Jenny Montoya and Sean Thomas; Royce Voigt; and the boys in Clown Alley: Brian, Christopher, James, Jerry, Joe, Marty, Mike, Rob, and Buck.

In addition, I would like to express my heartfelt appreciation to the men and women of the advance and marketing department (Jeff Chalmers, Bob Harper, Elizabeth Harris, Bob Kellard, Mike Kolomichuk, Tim Orris, Edna Voigt, Chuck Werner), and especially to Bruce Pratt and Renee Storey, whose encouraging words and spirited laughter have made them seem like equal collaborators in this project. Finally, my deepest appreciation goes to E. Douglas Holwadel and John W. Pugh, who invited me to join their show without restrictions and who guided me openly through the normally candy-coated corridors of the circus. Johnny Pugh, still on the road more than fifty years after being born into show business, is one of the most respected men in the circus business today and one of the most decent men I've ever met.

Meanwhile, an equally large number of people who don't live on wheels helped bring this book to life. Jane Dystel, my agent, cradled this book from gleam to reality. Bill Goldstein, my editor, nurtured it from proposal to publication. Miriam G.o.derich read an early draft and made several helpful suggestions, and David Shenk, my friend and colleague, improved the ma.n.u.script with his painstaking edits and prudent advice. Numerous others offered support and escape along the way: Angella Baker, Hamilton Cain, Ruth Ann and Justin Castillo, Robin Diener and Terri Merz, Bill Fahey, Jan and Gordon Franz, Leslie Gordon, Leigh Haber, Allan Hill, LaVahn Hoh, David Hsiao, Michael Jacobs, Dominique Jando, Ben Kinningham, Ted Lee, Halcyon Liew and Arnold Horowitz, Evi Kelly-Lentz and John Lentz, Gordon Lucket, Chuck Meltzer, Irvin Mohler, Susan Moldow, Marcy Oppenheimer, Katherine and Will Philipp, Christopher Reohr, Karen Gulick and Max Stier, and last of all, David Duffy, who taught me how to juggle those many years ago.

Finally, I would not have been able to run away and join anything for a year, or sit at home in front of my computer for a year after that, were it not for the unparalleled support team that surrounds me every day: Aleen Feiler; Mildred and Henry Meyer; Jane and Ed Feiler, editors, advisers, masters of more than one ring; and Cari Feiler Bender and Rodd Bender, newlyweds for now and a lifetime to come. Above all, I would like to express my increasing and undying grat.i.tude to my brother, Andrew. He never set foot inside the ring, but he was outside it, alongside it, and even above it, capturing the circus with his unflinching eye. One of his photographs graces the back cover of this story and this book is dedicated to him.

Read All About It.

In the course of working on this book I came to the conclusion that the circus has joined the ranks of sports and war as one of the leading sources of metaphor in our language. A day would hardly go by when I didn't read about someone "turning somersaults" for some purpose or another or "keeping eight or ten b.a.l.l.s in the air at one time."

Given this penchant for inspiring metaphor, it comes as no surprise that the circus has inspired many metaphor-laden books. Of the three dozen or so that I read, some were particularly enjoyable. In the area of history, John Culcane's The American Circus (Holt) is delightful and comprehensive. Others that I found helpful include David Lewis Hammarstrom, Big Top Boss (University of Illinois), A. H. Saxon, P. T. Barnum (Columbia), Earl Chapin May, The Circus from Rome to Ringling (Duffield and Green), and George Chindahl, History of the Circus in America (Caxton). While these books provided important background information, most of the material presented in this book is previously unrecorded. Since much of it comes from first-person recollections by notoriously inaccurate circus personnel, wherever possible I have tried to confirm the dates and information presented.

In addition to formal surveys, hundreds of memoirs by American circus performers have been published in the last two hundred years. I don't pretend to have read even a substantial sampling of these, but several of the ones I did read stand out as the most charming of all the circus books I examined. I particularly recommend Bill Ballantine's Wild Tigers and Tame Fleas (Rinehart), Fred Bradna's The Big Top (Simon and Schuster), and Connie Clausen's I Love You, Honey, But the Season's Over (Avon), which not only is the most engaging account I read but also has the best t.i.tle, and, for me, the most meaning, since it was given to me by a great circus fan, Harrison Sayre of Annapolis, Maryland.

Finally, as much as I love them, books can only hope to intimate and illuminate the immediate sensation of viewing a circus in person. While the American circus is hardly in jeopardy of dying, it is changing in response to the pressures of the times. If this book has rekindled any memories of your own, go see a circus next time one comes to town and in so doing help keep the dream alive.

Author's Note.

This book, like a circus, contains two parallel stories. One centers on the daily life of the show as it proceeds through the season; the other, woven throughout, focuses on the performance as it proceeds through each act. In circus tradition this running order is called the "Program of Arenic Displays."

About the Author.

BRUCE FEILER is the New York Times bestselling author of six books, including Learning to Bow, Walking the Bible, and Abraham. A contributor to National Public Radio, he writes for the New York Times, Was.h.i.+ngton Post, and Gourmet. A native of Savannah, Georgia, he lives in New York City.

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PRAISE FOR BRUCE FEILER and Under the Big Top.

"What a splendid book-funny, insightful, quirky, entertaining, and beautifully written. Bruce Feiler may have been a circus clown, but he's also a magician with prose."

-Tim O'Brien, author of In the Lake of the Woods.

"Feiler's unglossed account of the season is complete with animal rights protesters, sin, s.e.x, sawdust, camaraderie, and personal revelation. 'So now you know,' the ringmaster tells him after his last performance. And now we know, too."

-Miami Herald.

"Incredible.... Exciting.... Unbelievable.... Your view of the big top will never be the same."

-Chattanooga Free Press.

"What makes Under the Big Top a page-turner is Feiler's eye for detail and his ability to be part of the action but also outside of it."

-Detroit Free Press.

"As irresistible as cotton candy, as attention grabbing as the death-defying trapeze act."

-Indianapolis Star "In the age-old tradition of truth coming from the mouth of a fool, this clown's rendition of circus life bounds with humanity."

-Kirkus Reviews "Feiler, a superb narrator and storyteller with a gentle, ironic sense of humor, also possesses a potent intellect that at moments blazes forth, illuminating everything in its path."

-Was.h.i.+ngton Post Book World.

"A mud-and sweat-filled, but ultimately loving, portrait of the circus."

-New York Post.

ALSO BY BRUCE FEILER.

Learning to Bow:.

Inside the Heart of j.a.pan.

Looking for Cla.s.s:.

Days and Nights at Oxford and Cambridge.

Dreaming Out Loud:.

Garth Brooks, Wynonna Judd, Wade Hayes, and the Changing Face of Nashville.

Walking the Bible:.

A Journey by Land Through the Five Books of Moses.

Abraham:.

A Journey to the Heart of Three Faiths.

end.