The History of Johnny Quae Genus Part 13

But have you thought, my dearest Dear, That not a creature will be there?

Will you not find we shall be hurl'd Into a lifeless, empty world; Where, till the winter near approaches You will see nought but Hackney coaches?

I'm sure you'll think yourself quite undone, If you're a month alone in London.

To your gay spirit Oh how dull On a soft window-seat to loll, And count with your half-sleeping eye How many _n.o.bodies_ go by!

While mothers with their babies tell, What sick'ning stuff they have to sell, When from their ceaseless screaming noises, You ask for what Heaven gave them voices: Till like the fiddler in a rage, Which you have seen in Hogarth's page, You stop your ears, with anger burn, And cry 'to _Woodlands_, let's return.'

I'd rather sit and yawn, I own, Here in the country than in town, Where to dull club-rooms I must go, } E'en in the streets no creature know, } And ride alone in Rotten-Row. } But be it as you wish."--"Then I,"

The Dame delay'd not to reply, "Desire such orders you will give That we, with prompt dispatch, may leave This stupid spot and hurry strait With post horse gallop through the gate, And when we've got a dozen mile, I then will thank you, Love, and smile.

Yes, I will bid adieu to care, } Though not a soul in Portman-Square, } When once I see that I am there. } Believe me I would rather hear As sounds more pleasing to my ear, Fishwomen's cries along the street, Than noisy sportsmen when they meet, Whose noisy, vulgar, drunken brawl So often echoed in our Hall.

The Town, perhaps, is not so full, But London never can be dull: Thin as it may be, or e'en thinner, We shall find folk to eat our dinner, And though no crowd will throng at present, Our little parties will be pleasant.

The Drama too presents its play To make the evening pa.s.s away; Blue hills delight and lawns so green When they are painted on the scene; O how I like the woods and rocks When I can view them from a box!-- I'm charm'd with such a rural sight When it is seen by candle-light.

We shall to pa.s.s our time contrive, And keep our pretty selves alive, Till the world rolls to Town amain:-- Then we shall be ourselves again."

--They were themselves, and suffer'd pride Still to remain their fatal guide, And to bring on that period near, When Folly claim'd its full arrear.

It is not needful for our rhyme To tell how long or short the time Which the vain Spendthrift Genius thought Was fit to bring their schemes to nought.

All we shall say is, with the song, "The days of pleasure ne'er are long."

And, if to proverbs we resort, "The days of sorrow ne'er are short."

And here it is but truth to tell, That our QUae GENUS acted well.

For never, as his duty call'd, When home affairs were so enthrall'd, That ere the Winter months would end There would be no more coin to spend, Nor credit found to give the swing To gay manoeuvres through the Spring, He did not from his master's ears Conceal the state of his affairs; And though, too oft receiv'd with scorn, Gave hints, but still they fail'd to warn.

--At length, howe'er, the period came From fas.h.i.+on's list to blot their name; When it was vain for pride to look In the card-rack or porter's book, While the old guard might sit and snore, But rarely summon'd to the door; That door, of late, so seldom quiet From lounging call or pleasure's riot, Unless it, with less noisy stir, Announc'd some threat'ning visiter.

--Encreasing wants began to press, And all things threaten'd that distress Which vanity knows not to bear, } That pride contemplates with despair, } Yet spurns regenerating care; } And a pale demon seems to see In form of sage oeconomy.

The scene thus drawing to a close, } Friends, aye, and faithful ones arose, } With their best aid to interpose, } And VALCOUR found, when least expected, That falling he was not neglected.

For he was lov'd by all who knew The virtues whence his follies grew; And some of these so active were As to preserve him from the snare Of Us'rer's gripe and Lawyer's strife, That seem'd to threat his future life.

They did with counsel sage persuade And brought the ready, golden aid, Which check'd the powers that did enslave him, Before it was too late to save him.

The well-weigh'd scheme which prudence chose Was rather an unsav'ry dose: Madam, at first, declar'd it treason; But humbled pride was taught to reason.

Enough was spar'd to share the dance And gay festivities of France; With promise, when five years were o'er, They should regain the British sh.o.r.e; And, on repa.s.sing _Woodlands_ gate, Would find a n.o.ble, freed estate; And, from their follies past remov'd, Reside respected and belov'd.

Now, all this serious bustle over, They sought, and soon set sail from, Dover, And, in the common period, found Their footsteps meas'ring Gallic ground.

QUae GENUS saw them to the sea, Then gave a look of sympathy, And, with respectful rev'rence said, "When you again Old England tread, To re-enjoy my happy station I will quit any situation, And I dare boast you will receive me, As true and faithful as you leave me!"

--To France he was not quite inclin'd, And MOLLY chose to stay behind; So both brush'd up their sep'rate graces, To go in search of _other places_.-- For, 'twas not yet our Hero's plan To set up for a GENTLEMAN.

CANTO VII

In the world's ever varying range There scarce can be a greater change Than from the hourly means of carving Without reserve, to hints of starving; From the men-cooks' superior waste To fireless kitchen's cold repast; From ham and fowl and beef and veal, To a lean shoulder's third day meal, From well-skimm'd broths, to greasy pot,-- But this was now our Hero's lot: And here, perhaps, it may be fair To ask what chance could bring him there; For expectation sure might think That he would rather soar than sink, At least, he would his rank maintain Among High-Life's domestic train, And still display the priggish air, In some fine street or splendid square, Instead of opening the door In _Humbug-Buildings_, Number FOUR; Well known, as we shall shortly see, For weighty scenes of Usury.

--How he this curious post obtain'd, Without reserve will be explain'd.

My Lady VALCOUR, as 'tis known To hap sometimes to Dames of Ton, When sudden wants were set on edge Might look a precious stone to pledge, To raise a hasty sum or so She did not wish Sir CHARLES to know; For little systems of disguise } Are seldom seen to cause surprise } In the best order'd families. } MOLLY she fail'd not to employ In care of any glittering toy, Which might so very useful be In moments of necessity: But this strange, awkward kind of trade Was far from pleasant to the maid, As she, to 'scape from prying eyes Was told to change her air and size, And, to perform her work complete, To be a perfect counterfeit: In short, as was not uncommon, To make herself another woman.

She therefore, thought it best to ask QUae GENUS to perform the task; And old John SQUEEZE was recommended, Who kindly to such wants attended: Though some who lov'd a joke to crack, Would laugh, and call him _Squeezing JACK_.

In a snug corner of the town, To nameless spendthrifts too well known, The miser liv'd, if life it be Whose meat and drink was usury; For the old Hunx was ne'er content, Unless he gain'd his _Cent. per Cent._; And as all traffic with this Elf Was secret interchange of pelf, He fear'd not the rapacious paw Of daily violated law.-- Diamonds that did 'mong ringlets blaze, And caught the night's admiring gaze; The necklace that from snowy neck Did in its cl.u.s.ter'd fas.h.i.+ons break On swelling bosom, plac'd to share The beauty nature planted there; The rows of pearl that gave a charm To the round grace of taper arm: The bright drops which each sister ear Does with an equal splendour bear; And dazzling circles that are seen Of rubies red, of em'ralds green, And sapphires blue, whose blended rays The rainbow to the hand conveys, All these, at times, are forc'd to rest Within the miser's gloomy chest: In iron darkness there to wait A longer or a shorter date, Till gold's redeeming power shall say, Come and re-brighten on the day.

On errands of this grave intent, QUae GENUS now and then was sent, And how he did his plans arrange, Or in what shape place the exchange; How he contriv'd these sly affairs, Paid soon, or lengthen'd the arrears, Of this we know not more nor less, } For we ne'er heard his tongue confess, } And 'twould be wasting time to guess. } But, somehow, he contriv'd to please, By grace or guile, old Master SQUEEZE, And by some strange, peculiar art, He gain'd upon the Us'rer's heart, If an heart such a being owns, Who chuckles when misfortune moans, At least, when that is understood To be a vessel fraught with good.

But to proceed, the mind's keen eye Of _Squeezing Jack_, thought he could spy In our QUae GENUS that quick sense, Which might reward his confidence; That wary, penetrating thought, Which could not be too dearly bought, And in his present, sickly trim, Would be of golden use to him: For he grew old and wanted aid, In his nice calculating trade.

In short, in every point of view, } As one who certain fancies knew, } The old man felt that he would do, } And that he could his interest make A station at the desk to take.

Not the first time on business bent, } Though 'twas the last by MOLLY sent, } Our Hero to the office went, } With his redeeming coin to pay And fav'rite gems to bear away, He was desir'd to give an ear To the proposal he should hear, When _Squeezing John_ in cautious strain Did thus his secret wish explain.

"--From what I know and all I see, You soon will be at liberty, The gentry to whom you belong Will not require your service long; And 'twould be well were you to take The offer which I now shall make: That is, as you already see, To come, my friend, and live with me.

I hope no thought your mind engages, About such petty things as wages, I would not wish you to receive What common spendthrift masters give; I exercise a better way All such as serve me well to pay: Your bed and board will lib'ral be, } For you will live as well as me, } Such is my home oeconomy. } As for the service you will find Its profits fully to your mind; If you my interests understand, Your own will follow hand in hand; Nay, I my promise shall maintain, That you a pretty fortune gain.

All I ask is, that you will be The pattern of fidelity, Which my observing eye has seen To others you have lately been; I have, my friend, but one word more, And then my speechifying's o'er: 'Twill answer ev'ry purpose better And I shall hold myself your debtor, For reasons you shall plainly see, If you will wear your livery, For that can never be disgrace Which soon will gain superior place."

QUae GENUS thought he could but try, If but from curiosity, Though some have said that then he view'd The future freaks that he pursued.

Thus at the desk he soon was seated To learn how folly could be cheated, And to consent to play the rogue With any spendthrift vice in vogue, That did in pleasure's round perplex In any form, in either s.e.x.

The gains were great, nay almost certain, While pride so slyly drew the curtain, Indeed, it was so nicely clos'd, That the rich schemes were ne'er expos'd.

--At first, a kind of gen'rous feeling, A sense of honourable dealing, Dispos'd him, with some doubts, to look Into the Broker's daily book, While he oft dipp'd his pen and thought, Ere he the huge per-centage wrote: Nay, he could pity the distress Which did upon their bosoms press, When, thus to pay for ill-bought pleasure, They yielded up their gayest treasure.

--But then he mutter'd, "Where's the shame?

Others, like us, would do the same: If we were now to shut up shop, Others into the place would pop; Extravagance would have its run And fools speed on to be undone.

And their sad wants would be supplied, } If _John_ had laid his schemes aside, } Or had turn'd Methodist and died." }

Thus interest to our Hero clung To stifle sense of right and wrong; And so at once he bade adieu To Conscience for a year or two: But, when attain'd the wish'd for store, It should resume its former power.

Thus, at the opening of his trade, He a most curious bargain made With the Divinity within, To help him on through thick and thin.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Drawn by Rowlandson_

QUae GENUS IN THE SERVICE OF A MISER

But now, a Fair One will appear, About her four-and-twentieth year; Though, whatsoe'er may be her age, She must be brought upon the stage, Blooming and gay and form'd to please, By the old man was call'd his niece, And, though there were some doubts we know, It turn'd out she was truly so.

All saw that he was fond of Miss, Would often give and take a kiss, And even with his money part, To purchase smiles and make her smart.

Abroad she was not us'd to roam But Novels read and stay'd at home.

The pantry's boon, so lean and spare, Was forc'd on her unwilling care; For when Old Avarice complain'd Of the great cost his life sustain'd, He ne'er forgot, 'mong human ills, The baker's and the butcher's bills: But 'twas her interest to be The slave of his oeconomy.

--An errand-man and one poor maid, Were all who gave the household aid: They were to am'rous purpose bent So fed on love and were content; And as QUae GENUS touch'd the _Money_, Which was his fount of _Milk_ and _Honey_; His easy stomach never car'd How lean the joint on which he far'd.

--It was his interest to agree, In all things with Miss EMILY, As she could humour Uncle SQUEEZE, And now and then possess the keys: Nor could she shape her main design Unless QUae GENUS would combine The hobbling _Old One_ to deceive, And let in _Friends_ without his leave.

She gave him physic, tuck'd his bed, The pillow smooth'd to rest his head; Then all around the curtains drew, And having spoke the night's adieu, Would gaily hasten down below To smile upon the favour'd beau Whom her commanding Billet-doux Had summon'd to an interview.

From Uncle JOHN's great h.o.a.rd of wealth, And the old man's declining health, 'Twas thought she soon would be a prize Which smart young men might idolize; That a great fortune Miss would be From heirdom or by legacy: While lovers, therefore, not a few, Had pa.s.s'd before her in review, Her kind warm heart might not disown That she had fix'd her thoughts on one; And he it was who had the power To share with her an evening hour.

But to the point, which even love Could not from her keen thoughts remove: The Lady did not long delay Thus the prime secret to convey, "I have a precious plan, QUae GENUS, And if 'tis manag'd well between us, We may, as I know how, contrive, To make our mutual int'rests thrive.

I have already something done, As you will hear, for _Number ONE_, And there's another scheme will do, As you will know, for _Number TWO_.

My uncle's wealth is that of _Croesus_, But how he'll leave it, Heaven bless us, I know not, nay, the trembling elf, May not as yet be sure himself; Though he, perhaps, may leave the whole To Charity, to save his soul.-- Some folk have thought to make a will, Is signal given for Death to kill, But should he an intestate, die, The long expecting family, Will feed the greedy, gaping maw, Of griping, grinding, hungry Law.

For though I am the next of kin, Such various claimants will rush in, Such troops of distant, country cousins, Will haste by scores, at least by dozens; So many Lawyers may appear, To promise each an ample share, That in what way these things may end, If fortune be my foe or friend, I wish, by all means, to ensure Some independent sinecure, And as you must the labour bear, You will a just advantage share.

But not an atom of his wealth Must we attempt to take by stealth, No, though we could this night convey, As a sure, undiscover'd prey, His iron chest with all the gold And brilliant treasure it may hold.

I only ask my views to aid But a small portion of his trade, And while above his riches flow, We may make mod'rate gains below, And what of that by us is done, Must be from funds which are our own."

--The parties were at once agreed, And the scheme fail'd not to succeed: Nay, had stern fate the stroke delay'd, A decent fortune they had made; But as it was, their transient gain Gave them no reason to complain.

--Now, ere twelve months or more were past, JOHN SQUEEZE, alas! had breath'd his last; And though they search'd the mansion round, A Will was no where to be found; And relatives in numbers came, Their rights to prove, their shares to claim; While the shrewd Miss AMELIA SQUEEZE Lock'd ev'ry box and kept the keys.

--With angry threats the house resounded, It was confusion worse confounded; While she secure in prudent savings, Calmly beheld their idle ravings, As different ways they did pursue, Which diff'rent Lawyers bade them do.

--And here we cannot overlook The wary way the lady took.

Her favourite swain, it must be known, A Pleader was of some renown; To whom this offer she propos'd, With which the learned Lawyer clos'd.

"If of the wealth of Old JOHN SQUEEZE, Of whom you know I am the Niece, You prove me to be lawful Heir, My charms and fortune you shall share."

--Thus she was left amid the paws Of Lawyers and the tardy Laws, With chance that when ten years were past, A husband she might get at last.

--Not as such union often ends, She and QUae GENUS parted friends: But ere Old SQUEEZE'EM was dispos'd, Ere the cold marble o'er him clos'd, Our Hero had a gracious tender From _JACOB LEVI, Money-Lender_.

He, having had some kind of feeling With JOHN in his usurious dealing, Observ'd QUae GENUS, who had been Just such an useful go-between, As would find favour in the sight Of the keen, cautious Israelite, Who, therefore, with inviting grace, Offered him his vacant place.

The proverb says it is a curse To go at once from bad to worse, And though, at first, he did not feel it, Time was determin'd to reveal it.

--Of late, or more or less, 'tis true, Distress was in his frequent view, But then in its prevailing feature, It was but of a transient nature.

A proud man for a whole week's date Might cease, perhaps, to eat off plate, Still, Dresden service could supply A varying scene of luxury: Or vanity might not resort To aid the splendour of a Court, From absent state of decoration, Required by certain rank and station: But, for a time, well-fram'd excuses Custom or fas.h.i.+on ne'er refuses; When soon again the plate is seen, The silver-smith has made it clean, And in a week, or month, or so, It will resume its usual show.

Again the glitt'ring gems display At the gay Fete the dazzling ray, On having done the appointed duty To ease the wants of pride and beauty.

But now another scene succeeds, } The pledge is turn'd from glitt'ring beads } To mortgages and t.i.tle-deeds; } The short-liv'd search of ready-rhino By imps of Loo or of Ca.s.sino; Or to stop short a lawyer's threats, And dunning for a tradesman's debts; These yield to frightful views of ruin, Which threaten absolute undoing; That grasp at family estates Of honour'd name and ancient dates, And hasten on the heirs in fee To gallop fast to beggary.