The History of Johnny Quae Genus Part 15

--Thus when the Monkey's hand had done With this display of idle fun, And in his vacant hour of sense Had triumph'd in Impertinence; He would repair his saucy tricks, The pictures in their places fix, Wipe out the mischief of the chalk And bid the portraits cease to talk; Then with a military air, Aloud command them--"AS YOU WERE."-- --Now it, at least, was once a week, He did this gay amus.e.m.e.nt seek, When CARMINE'S absence gave the power Thus to pa.s.s off his leisure hour, As different faces might present Fresh subjects for his merriment.

But those foul imps who oft molest, With awkward thoughts, the human breast, (As the expression's not so civil, We will not hint it is the devil,) Will, as their trade is to deceive, Fast in the lurch their vot'ries leave; And soon QUae GENUS was betray'd Into the trap his folly laid.

One vernal eve, he had o'erflow'd With chalk and chatter ill-bestow'd, When call'd off for we know not what, The unfinish'd mischief was forgot; And in the morning, ere the clout Had duly wip'd his folly out, A party, who from town were going, Came, just to pay what might be owing: At the same time to represent Where all their portraits might be sent.

--One _Elder Lady_ rubb'd her eyes, With equal anger and surprize, While she could scarce believe she read, The _Witch_ of _Endor_ o'er her head.

--Another, not of younger age, Could not restrain her glowing rage, When _Mother RED CAP_ was the name Which chalk had given to the Dame; And then she scream'd aloud,--"_Forsooth, A Pipe is put into my mouth, Whose nauseous fumes around me fly To stamp me with vulgarity_!"

--With them there was a sweet young lady, In beauty's bloom and vernal gay day; Her portrait in all stature stood, With all the grace of att.i.tude, And charms to turn, though not of stone, A _Carmine_ to _Pygmalion_.

But she, in all her beauty's pride, A _Wheel-barrow_ was made to guide, While ruby lips were seen to cry, "_Sheep's hearts for those who want to buy_!"

The marble urn which stood behind her, Was turn'd into a rude _Knife-Grinder_, And at no very far approach Was seen a pa.s.sing _Hackney Coach_, While all the lawns and groves so sweet Were scrawl'd into a _London Street_.

--Anger in diff'rent tones were heard, And when CARMINE in haste appear'd, Aghast he stood, then vengeance vow'd, Declar'd his innocence--and bow'd; But in a few short minutes prov'd The wicked lines might be remov'd.

If water is not just at hand, _Saliva's_ always at command, Which gives the tints a brighter glow, And leaves a kind of varnish too.

This, with his handkerchief applied, Soon wip'd the saucy chalk aside.

The Dame exclaim'd,--"_Pray look, d'ye see, Still more affronts, my Lady B----: This is the height of all disgrace, The Painter's spitting in my face_."

CARMINE, without a word, went on, And when his cleansing skill was shown, When witticisms disappear'd, And each offending line was clear'd, The sudden change appear'd to please, And angry words began to cease.

But still he thought he ought to show The threat'ning terms he could bestow.

The maids, each answ'ring to her name, Aloud their innocence proclaim: The housekeeper and st.u.r.dy cook Propose to swear on HOLY BOOK, They could not do it:--Heaven forbid it!

And then they told,--QUae GENUS _did it_: On which, the solemn Dames insist Such Impudence should be dismiss'd.

But though they saw the alter'd show } Restor'd to all its pristine glow, } They let th' astonish'd artist know } Th' insulted portraits should not stay Where they then were another day.

Thus porters, order'd to the door, } Away each fine resemblance bore, } That they might be defac'd no more.-- } --The Dames departed in a huff, With _fanning_ cool'd,--consol'd with _snuff_: While Miss, beneath her bonnet's poke, Smil'd as if _she_ enjoy'd the joke.

Our Hero now was seen to wait The threat'nings of impending fate: That fate, but in the mildest tone, CARMINE delay'd not to make known.

"As you vie with me in my art, 'Tis clear, my friend, that we must part: Your genius is so full of sport That you must go,--I'm sorry for't!

Such tricks will bring, as you must see, Disgrace upon the Gallery; Indeed, by your confounded fun, Mischief may be already done!

You talk'd of schemes when you came here, But, faith, this scheme may cost me dear.

As tricks like these you chuse to play, 'Twere well that you should march away; So go, where, spite of common sense, Your jokes may pa.s.s without offence.

Few words are best,--my mind to tell: Pack up your Chalk,--and so farewell!"

--QUae GENUS the command obey'd, As pleas'd to go as if he stay'd.

Here then his _final Service_ ends:-- But MAN and MASTER parted friends.

CANTO VIII

Life, as a witty Bard has shewn, Who dealt in just comparison,[1]

Is but a busy pantomime, Whose actions vary with the time; Where they who turn from side to side, According to the wind and tide, Are more ingenious in their art Than such as act but one grave part; Who, as their years pa.s.s onward, seem To glide along one gentle stream.

But here we stop not to contend Whether, to answer Life's great end, 'Tis best from place to place to range, Or fix to one, and never change.

Suffice it, that, from choice or chance, QUae GENUS hurried through some dance Of early life, and, as we see, Not knowing what the next would be: But now, disdaining future tricks, He felt a firm resolve to fix Upon a steady, better plan, Of living like a _Gentleman_.

Whether he knew to calculate The means required for such a state, The curious eye will shortly see, In his approaching History.

[1] BUTLER, the Author of HUDIBRAS.

It has been well observ'd by some, "All countries are a wise man's home."

As it is said of diff'rent nations, The same is true of various stations Which man is destin'd to fulfil, Or with, or e'en against his will; If Reason happens to provide A steersman who is fit to guide The vessel o'er life's flowing main, And sure at last the port to gain.

How much our Hero had ama.s.s'd, By ways and means now gone and pa.s.s'd, We know not, as we never heard The h.o.a.rded sums he had prepar'd; But as he had a sense of craving, And with it, too, a knack of saving, He must have got a heap of Cash, Which, for a time, would make a dash.

The _Valcour_ wardrobe almost new, } The gifts of service, laid _perdu_, } Would serve him for a year or two; } And by some _Snip's_ contriving art, Would fit him well and make him smart: But stumbling-blocks were found to lay Before him, and impede his way.

Manners and matter he possest, His early life had given the best; And while he as a servant mov'd, His knowledge of the world improv'd: But still his face and form were known In certain quarters of the town, And the first object to his fame Was to discard his present name; For he ne'er did a Father know, The source from whence a name should flow; And by QUae GENUS nought was meant-- It was a boon by accident, Which he might, if he pleas'd, disuse, And any other t.i.tle chuse.

Through the _Directory_ he waded, Till his poor eyes were sadly jaded; Then in the finer streets he stroll'd Where Names on _Door Plates_ are enroll'd: But then he fear'd a name to own, Which would, perhaps, be too well known, And cause enquiries, that might be The source of some perplexity.

Reason, at length, rous'd the intention Of yielding to his own invention, To eke out from the alphabet, A name he never heard of yet; And which his fancy might suggest As one to suit his project best.

FREE-BORN he thought would do as well As any other he could tell, When, his right Christian name of JOHN Form'd the becoming union; Then nothing more he could desire Than trim these names with an ESQUIRE; And to let the report be spread, That some rich relative was dead, And 'twas his Fortune and his Fate To get the name and an estate.

Should it be ask'd where _that_ might lay, He had prepar'd himself to say, (As if half earnest--half in joke, The smiling answer might be spoke,) "'Tis here, 'tis there, 'tis everywhere, Or in some country in the air; But should you come to _number three_ In such a street, you there will see How that estate appears to thrive: On _Thursday_ next I dine at _five_."

Thus he would find none to suspect him, Or, dinners given, to neglect him.

He now to Coffee Houses went, With looks a.s.suming calm content, And such as those are seen to wear, Who easy independence share.

At reading-rooms he frequent sat, And read or join'd in social chat; Acquaintance made, no arduous task, Of those he did to dinner ask.

In gay apartments then he shone In a good quarter of the town, But distant, as we may conceive, From where his masters us'd to live.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Drawn by Rowlandson_

QUae GENUS GIVES A GRAND PARTY.]

_Miss Emily_, the blooming niece } Of the old Broker, Master _Squeeze_, } Who made some figure in the piece, } And, at no very distant page, Was seen to figure on the stage; The Lady all her points had carried, Was rich, and had the _Pleader_ married; Had chang'd her uncle's name of _Squeeze'em_ To her shrewd husband's, Lawyer _Seize'em_: Who, by his cunning and his skill, Had brought all contests to her will, When he had got his promis'd fee Of Beauty, Wealth and Luxury.

To her, with smiles of gay content, The _'Squire_ his eager footsteps bent, And did in lofty tone proclaim His change of fortune as of name; And told her it would be his pride, At a small Fete would she preside, Which he propos'd in style to give, Where he would all her friends receive; For this was now the only way He had to make his party gay: And the first flourish of his plan To figure as a _Gentleman_.

--She smil'd and said she'd bring him plenty, Then ask'd at once his cards for twenty.

--The fete was given,--the dance, the song, And feasting did the night prolong, Which pleasure gave to full two score, Whom he had never seen before;-- But, his great object to maintain, These he must strive to see again; At all their doors his cards present, And thus, by various compliment, To form a circle of such friends As would secure his serious ends, In social ease to pa.s.s the day, And often find an evening gay.

--But _'Squire Free-born_ quickly found He did not tread on solid ground, And 'gan to fear he should not see The way to that society, Which forms of life the happiest measure: By mutual interchange of pleasure.

--'Twas but slight chat if he should meet His new acquaintance in the street; He seldom found, or more or less, But gen'ral forms of _politesse_, And that, too often, at the best, Was but in flimsy style exprest.

--Ladies would ask him to the play, To take his arm and let him pay; And when to cards, he always lost More than the wine and biscuits cost.

He found, as yet, but little done-- 'Twas neither common sense nor fun, Where kind regard would ne'er encrease, And int'rest wak'd the wish to please; Where words were either cold or hearty, As he propos'd to give a party; And a good supper was the charm That did to transient friends.h.i.+p warm, For that, alas, no longer lasted, Than while they thought on what they tasted.

_'Squire Free-born_ soon began to feel A relaxation in his zeal To push away that cla.s.s among Who did his evening parties throng, From whom no fair return was made, And mod'rate fas.h.i.+on was display'd.

Manners were ap'd, but in a way That did vulgarity betray; And the best show that he might see, Was dash of awkward finery:-- Besides, a rude and rough event Gave spirit to his discontent.

--He call'd, one day, where, on admission, The parties were in sad condition; It was a scene of mutual flame, 'Tween _Start-up_ and his lovely dame.

He was a clerk on public duty, And she a most conceited beauty: When, as he enter'd, her sharp tongue Began in tones both harsh and strong,-- "_Pray, FREE-BORN, do you think it breeding, That he should thus be always reading?_ _When he does from his office come 'Tis thus he sits hum-drum at home, As if he thought so low my wit I'm not for conversation fit; Nor does he seem to rate me higher Than to trace figures in the fire!"

--"Call you, hum-drum, that information So suited to official station_,"

He sternly said, "_which now engages Attention to these curious pages_!"

--"_My mind_," she cried, "_was in the dark When I was married to a Clerk:-- O had I join'd a fool instead Of one to office breeding bred!

He, who in honour should protect me, You see, Sir, how he dares neglect me!_"

--In terms polite to praise and blame, _Free-born_ now hop'd to quench the flame, And therefore offer'd, nothing loth, To give a little spice of both.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Drawn by Rowlandson_

QUae GENUS, INTERRUPTS A TeTE A TeTE.]

"Madam, by persons of discerning, My friend is known for store of learning; While you are bless'd with those rare charms, A Prince might wish to fill his arms."

He gently smil'd and so did she, At this same two-fold flattery, Which, in a moment, seem'd to smother The flames of anger 'gainst each other: He therefore ventur'd to proceed, But did not now so well succeed.

"You ask me to unfold my thought, Which is with truth and friends.h.i.+p fraught.

We all well know, in life's great stake, There's such a Rule as _give and take_; A maxim, with your good in view, I recommend to both of you.

On this, for peace, fix your reliance, And learn to practise kind compliance.

If he is haughty, soothe his pride, Nor with disdainful glances chide.

When you are angry, he must chase } All frownings from that lovely face, } With tender words and soft embrace. } Both of you now are in the wrong, _He_ with his BOOK,--_you_ with your TONGUE."

But, ere he could his speech conclude, With scornful look and accents rude, Again the furious Dame began:-- "_What Impudence is in the Man!

Thus, 'gainst his betters, to let loose His vulgar tongue in such abuse.

My husband to be thus belied, Who is my love, my boast, my pride!_"

When _Start-up_ foam'd,--"_You risk your life, In treating thus my darling wife; Who, I proclaim, as 'tis my duty, Has charms superior to her beauty!_"

Then each gave each a warm embrace, And both star'd in poor _Free-born's_ face, The one as if _he_ wish'd to beat him, The other as if _she_ could have eat him.

He then, as suiting her desire, Threw the base volume in the fire, When she----"_Thus ends a petty fuss Which may cross those who love like us; Though I might wish it had not been By such a saucy b.o.o.by seen_."

--_Free-born_, but not from sense of fear, Now thought it best to disappear; And as they rang the clam'rous bell, He heard them both the servant tell-- "Discharg'd you shall be, if the door Is open'd to that varlet more."