Toaster's Handbook Part 150

RESPECTABILITY

"Is he respectable?"'

"Eminently so. He's never been indicted for anything less than stealing a railroad."--_Wasp_.

REST CURE

A weather-beaten damsel somewhat over six feet in height and with a pair of shoulders proportionately broad appeared at a back door in Wyoming and asked for light housework. She said that her name was Lizzie, and explained that she had been ill with typhoid and was convalescing.

"Where did you come from, Lizzie?" inquired the woman of the house.

"Where have you been?"

"I've been workin' out on Howell's ranch," replied Lizzie, "diggin'

post-holes while I was gittin' my strength back."

RETALIATION

You know that fellow, Jim McGroiarty, the lad that's always comin' up and thumpin' ye on the chest and yellin', 'How are ye?'"

"I know him."

"I'll bet he's smashed twinty cigars for me--some of them clear Havanny--but I'll get even with him now."

"How will you do it?"

"I'll tell ye. Jim always. .h.i.ts me over the vest pocket where I carry my cigars. He'll hit me just once more. There's no cigar in me vest pocket this mornin'. Instead of it, there's a stick of dynamite, d'ye mind!"

Once when Henry Ward Beecher was in the midst of an eloquent political speech some wag in the audience crowed like a c.o.c.k. It was done to perfection and the audience was convulsed with laughter. The great orator's friends felt uneasy as to his reception of the interruption.

But Mr. Beecher stood perfectly calm. He stopped speaking, listened till the crowing ceased, and while the audience was laughing he pulled out his watch. Then he said: "That's strange. My watch says it is only ten o'clock. But there can't be any mistake about it. It must be morning, for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible."

An Episcopal clergyman, rector of a fas.h.i.+onable church in one of Boston's most exclusive suburbs, so as not to be bothered with the innumerable telephone calls that fall to one in his profession, had his name left out of the telephone book. A prominent merchant of the same name, living in the same suburb, was continually annoyed by requests to officiate at funerals and baptisms. He went to the rector, told his troubles in a kindly way, and asked the parson to have his name put in the directory. But without success.

The merchant then determined to complain to the telephone company. As he was writing the letter, one Sat.u.r.day evening, the telephone rang and the timid voice of a young man asked if the Rev. Mr. Blank would marry him at once. A happy thought came to the merchant: "No, I'm too d.a.m.n busy writing my sermon," he replied.

REVOLUTIONS

Haiti was in the midst of a revolution.

As a phase of it two armed bodies were approaching each other so that a third was about to be caught between them.

The commander of the third party saw the predicament. On the right government troops, on the left insurgents.

"General, why do you not give the order to fire?" asked an aide, das.h.i.+ng up on a lame mule.

"I would like to," responded the general, "but, Great Scott! I can't remember which side we're fighting for."

REWARDS

Said a great Congregational preacher To a hen, "You're a beautiful creature."

And the hen, just for that, Laid an egg in his hat, And thus did the Hen reward Beecher.

RHEUMATISM

FARMER BARNES--"I've bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell when it's going to rain, ye know."

MRS. BARNES--"To tell when it's goin' to rain! Why, I never heard o'

such extravagance. What do ye s'pose th' Lord has given ye th' rheumatis for?"--_t.i.t-Bits_.

ROADS

A Yankee just returning to the states was dining with an Englishman, and the latter complained of the mud in America.

"Yes," said the American, "but it's nothing to the mud over here."

"Nonsense!" said the Englishman.

"Fact," the American replied. "Why, this afternoon I had a remarkable adventure--came near getting into trouble with an old gentleman--all through your confounded mud."