Toaster's Handbook Part 156

about it. I paid the cook this noon, and what do you think? She marched right down herself and bought that hat!"--_Edwin Tarrisse_.

It is probable that many queens of the kitchen share the sentiment good-naturedly expressed by a Scandinavian servant, recently taken into the service of a young matron of Chicago.

The youthful a.s.sumer of household cares was disposed to be a trifle patronizing.

"Now, Lena," she asked earnestly, "are you a _good_ cook?"

"Ya-as, 'm, I tank so," said the girl, with perfect naivete, "if you vill not try to help me."--_Elgin Burroughs_.

"Have you a good cook now?"

"I don't know. I haven't been home since breakfast!"

MRS. LITTLETOWN--"This magazine looks rather the worse for wear."

MRS. NEARTOWN--"Yes, it's the one I sometimes lend to the servant on Sundays."

MRS. LITTLETOWN--"Doesn't she get tired of always reading the same one?"

MRS. NEARTOWN--"Oh, no. You see, it's the same book, but it's always a different servant."--_Suburban Life_.

MRS. HOUSEN HOHM--"What is your name?"

APPLICANT FOR COOKs.h.i.+P--"Miss Arlington."

MRS. HOUSEN HOHM--"Do you expect to be called Miss Arlington?"

APPLICANT---"No, ma'am; not if you have an alarm clock in my room."

MISTRESS--"Nora, I saw a policeman in the park to-day kiss a baby. I hope you will remember my objection to such things."

NORA--"Sure, ma'am, no policeman would ever think iv kissin' yer baby whin I'm around."

_See also_ Grat.i.tude; Recommendations.

SHOPPING

CLERK--"Can you let me off to-morrow afternoon? My wife wants me to go shopping with her."

EMPLOYER--"Certainly not. We are much too busy."

CLERK--"Thank you very much, sir. You are very kind!"

SHYNESS

The late "lan Maclaren" (Dr. John Watson) once told this story on himself to some friends:

"I was coming over on the steamer to America, when one day I went into the library to do some literary work. I was very busy and looked so, I suppose. I had no sooner started to write than a diffident-looking young man plumped into the chair opposite me, began twirling his cap and stared at me. I let him sit there. An hour or more pa.s.sed, and he was still there, returning my occasional and discouraging glances at him with a foolish, ingratiating smile. I was inclined to be annoyed. I had a suspicion that he was a reader of my books, perhaps an admirer--or an autograph-hunter. He could wait. But at last he rose, and still twirling his cap, he spoke:

"'Excuse me, Doctor Watson; I'm getting deathly sick in here and I'm real sorry to disturb you, but I thought you'd like to know that just as soon as you left her Mrs. Watson fell down the companionway stairs, and I guess she hurt herself pretty badly.'"

SIGNS

When the late Senator Wolcott first went to Colorado he and his brother opened a law office at Idaho Springs under the firm name of "Ed. Wolcott & Bro." Later the partners.h.i.+p was dissolved. The future senator packed his few a.s.sets, including the sign that had hung outside of his office, upon a burro and started for Georgetown, a mining town farther up in the hills. Upon his arrival he was greeted by a crowd of miners who critically surveyed him and his outfit. One of them, looking first at the sign that hung over the pack, then at Wolcott, and finally at the donkey, ventured:

"Say, stranger, which of you is Ed?"

"Buck" Kilgore, of Texas, who once kicked open the door of the House of Representatives when Speaker Reed had all doors locked to prevent the minority from leaving the floor and thus escaping a vote, was noted for his indifference to forms and rules. Speaker Reed, annoyed by members bringing lighted cigars upon the floor of the House just before opening time, had signs conspicuously posted as follows: "No smoking on the floor of the House." One day just before convening the House his eagle eye detected Kilgore nonchalantly puffing away at a fat cigar. Calling a page, he told him to give his compliments to the gentleman from Texas and ask him if he had not seen the signs. After a while the page returned and seated himself without reporting to the Speaker, and Mr.

Reed was irritated to see the gentleman from Texas continue his smoke.

With a frown he summoned the page and asked:

"Did you tell the gentleman from Texas what I said?"

"I did," replied the page.

"What did he say?" asked Reed.

"Well--er," stammered the page, "he said to give his compliments to you and tell you he did not believe in signs."

SILENCE

A conversation with an Englishman.--_Heine_.

BALL-"What is silence?"

HALL-"The college yell of the school of experience."