Toaster's Handbook Part 173

At breakfast he spoke to her about it, and told her how pleased he was.

"Oh," she replied, "that's the hymn I boil the eggs by; three verses for soft and five for hard."

There was a young woman named Sue, Who wanted to catch the 2:02; Said the trainman, "Don't hurry Or flurry or worry; It's a minute or two to 2:02."

FATHER--"Mildred, if you disobey again I will surely spank you."

On father's return home that evening, Mildred once more acknowledged that she had again disobeyed.

FATHER (firmly)--"You are going to be spanked. You may choose your own time. When shall it be?"

MILDRED (five years old, thoughtfully)--"Yesterday."

A northerner pa.s.sing a rundown looking place in the South, stopped to chat with the farmer. He noticed the hogs running wild and explained that in the North the farmers fattened their hogs much faster by shutting them in and feeding them well.

"h.e.l.l!" replied the southerner, "What's time to a hog."

Dost thou love life? Then waste not time; for time is the stuff that life is made of.--_Benjamin Franklin_.

Time fleeth on, Youth soon is gone, Naught earthly may abide; Life seemeth fast, But may not last It runs as runs the tide.

--_Leland_.

_See also_ Scientific management.

TIPS

American travelers in Europe experience a great deal of trouble from the omnipresent need of tipping those from whom they expect any service, however slight. They are very apt to carry it much too far, or else attempt to resist it altogether. There is a story told of a wealthy and ostentatious American in a Parisian restaurant. As the waiter placed the order before him he said in a loud voice:

"Waiter, what is largest tip you ever received?"

"One thousand francs, monsieur."

"_Eh bien_! But I will give you two thousand," answered the upholder of American honor; and then in a moment he added: "May I ask who gave you the thousand francs?"

"It was yourself, monsieur," said the obsequious waiter.

Of quite an opposite mode of thought was another American visiting London for the first time. Goaded to desperation by the incessant necessity for tips, he finally entered the washroom of his hotel, only to be faced with a large sign which read: "Please tip the basin after using." "I'm hanged if I will!" said the Yankee, turning on his heel, "I'll go dirty first!"

Grant Alien relates that he was sitting one day under the shade of the Sphinx, turning for some petty point of detail to his Baedeker.

A sheik looked at him sadly, and shook his head. "Murray good," he said in a solemn voice of warning; "Baedeker no good. What for you see Baedeker?"

"No, no; Baedeker is best," answered Mr. Alien. "Why do you object to Baedeker?"

The s.h.i.+ck crossed his hands, and looked down at him with the pitying eyes of Islam. "Baedeker bad book," he repeated; "Murray very, very good. Murray say, 'Give the sheik half a crown'; Baedeker say, 'Give the sheik a s.h.i.+lling.'"

"What do you consider the most important event in the history of Paris?"

"Well," replied the tourist, who had grown weary of distributing tips, "so far as financial prosperity is concerned, I should say the discovery of America was the making of this town."

In telling this one, Miss Glaser always states that she does not want it understood that she considers the Scotch people at all stingy; but they are a very careful and thrifty race.

An intimate friend of her's was very anxious to have a well known Scotchman meet Miss Glaser, and gave her a letter of introduction to him. Miss Glaser, wis.h.i.+ng to show him all the attention possible, invited him to a dinner which she was giving in London and after rather an elaborate repast the bill was paid, the waiter returning five s.h.i.+llings. She let it lie, intending, of course, to give it to the waiter. The Scotchman glanced at the money very frequently, and finally he said, his natural thrift getting the best of him:

"Are you going to give all that to the waiter?"

In a inimitable way, Miss Glaser quietly replied:

"No, take some."

"A tip is a small sum of money you give to somebody because you're afraid he won't like not being paid for something you haven't asked him to do."--_The Bailie, Glasgow_.

t.i.tLES OF HONOR AND n.o.bILITY

An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party of friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper. The good housewife, while preparing the table, discovering she was entertaining n.o.bility, was nearly overcome with surprise and elation.

While seated at the table scarcely a moment's peace did she grant her distinguished guest in her endeavor to serve and please him. It was "My Lord, will you have some of this?" and "My Lord, do try that," "Take a piece of this, my Lord," until the meal was nearly finished.

The little four-year-old son of the family, heretofore unnoticed, during a moment of supreme quiet saw his lords.h.i.+p trying to reach the pickle-dish, which was just out of his reach, and turning to his mother said:

"Say, Ma, G.o.d wants a pickle."

Dean Stanley was once visiting a friend who gave one of the pages strict orders that in the morning he was to go and knock at the Dean's door, and when the Dean inquired who was knocking he was to say: "The boy, my Lord." According to directions he knocked and the Dean asked: "Who is there?" Embarra.s.sed by the voice of the great man the page answered: "The Lord, my boy."

"How did he get his t.i.tle of colonel?"

"He got it to distinguish him from his wife's first husband, who was a captain, and his wife's second husband, who was a major."