Toaster's Handbook Part 40

The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term. He dwelt with much emphasis on the fact that each student should devote all the intervening time preparing for the final examinations.

"The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are there any questions to be asked?"

Silence prevailed. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired:

"Who's the printer?"

It was Commencement Day at a well-known woman's college, and the father of one of the young women came to attend the graduation exercises. He was presented to the president, who said, "I congratulate you, sir, upon your extremely large and affectionate family."

"Large and affectionate?" he stammered and looking very much surprised.

"Yes, indeed," said the president. "No less than twelve of your daughter's brothers have called frequently during the winter to take her driving and sleighing, while your eldest son escorted her to the theater at least twice a week. Unusually nice brothers they are."

The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its great scholars great men.--_O.W. Holmes_.

_See also_ Harvard university; Scholars.h.i.+p.

COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES

The college is a coy maid-- She has a habit quaint Of making eyes at millionaires And winking at the taint.

--_Judge_.

"What is a 'faculty'?"

"A 'faculty' is a body of men surrounded by red tape."--_Cornell Widow_.

Yale University is to have a ton of fossils. Whether for the faculty or for the museums is not announced.--_The Atlanta Journal_.

FIRST TRUSTEE--"But this ancient inst.i.tution of learning will fail unless something is done."

SECOND TRUSTEE--"True; but what can we do? We have already raised the tuition until it is almost 1 per cent of the fraternity fees."--_Puck_.

The president of the university had dark circles under his eyes. His cheek was pallid; his lips were trembling; he wore a hunted expression.

"You look ill," said his wife. "What is wrong, dear?"

"Nothing much," he replied. "But--I--I had a fearful dream last night, and I feel this morning as if I--as if I--" It was evident that his nervous system was shattered.

"What was the dream?" asked his wife.

"I--I--dreamed the trustees required that--that I should--that I should pa.s.s the freshman examination for--admission!" sighed the president.

COMMON SENSE

A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small town.

It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it was that it was a chemical laboratory. An old farmer, driving past the place after work had been started, and seeing a man in the doorway, called to him:

"What be ye doin' in this place?"

"We are searching for a universal solvent--something that will dissolve all things," said the chemist.

"What good will thet be?"

"Imagine, sir! It will dissolve all things. If we want a solution of iron, gla.s.s, gold--anything, all that we have to do is to drop it in this solution."

"Fine," said the farmer, "fine! What be ye goin' to keep it in?"

COMMUTERS

BRIGGS--"Is it true that you have broken off your engagement to that girl who lives in the suburbs?"

GRIGGS--"Yes; they raised the commutation rates on me and I have transferred to a town girl."

"I see you carrying home a new kind of breakfast food," remarked the first commuter.

"Yes," said the second commuter, "I was missing too many trains. The old brand required three seconds to prepare. You can fix this new brand in a second and a half."

After the sermon on Sunday morning the rector welcomed and shook hands with a young German.

"And are you a regular communicant?" said the rector. "Yes," said the German: "I take the 7:45 every morning."--_M.L. Hayward_.

A suburban train was slowly working its way through one of the blizzards of 1894. Finally it came to a dead stop and all efforts to start it again were futile.

In the wee, small hours of the morning a weary commuter, numb from the cold and the cramped position in which he had tried to sleep, crawled out of the train and floundered through the heavy snow-drifts to the nearest telegraph station. This is the message he handed to the operator: