Toaster's Handbook Part 55

There was one man who had a reputation for being even tempered. He was always cross.

DISTANCES

A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the rolling prairie land of Montana last summer. It was a hot, blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past.

"Say, friend," called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher.

Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles."

A weary half-hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher.

"Hey, how far's the next town?"

"Not far," was the encouraging answer. "Only about two miles."

"Well," sighed an optimistic sergeant, "thank G.o.d, we're holdin' our own, anyhow!"

DIVORCE

"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a week what would you call it?"

"Taking his name in vain."--_Princeton Tiger_.

DOGS

LADY (to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost poodle)--"The poor little darling, where did you find him?"

TRAMP--"Oh, a man 'ad 'im, miss, tied to a pole, and was cleaning the windows wiv 'im!"

A family moved from the city to a suburban locality and were told that they should get a watchdog to guard the premises at night. So they bought the largest dog that was for sale in the kennels of a neighboring dog fancier, who was a German. Shortly afterward the house was entered by burglars who made a good haul, while the big dog slept. The man went to the dog fancier and told him about it.

"Veil, vat you need now," said the dog merchant, "is a leedle dog to vake up the big dog."

"Dogs is mighty useful beasts They might seem bad at first They might seem worser right along But when they're dead They're wurst."

--_Ellis Parker Butler_.

"My dog took first prize at the cat show."

"How was that?"

"He took the cat."--_Judge_.

FAIR VISITOR--"Why are you giving Fido's teeth such a thorough brus.h.i.+ng?"

FOND MISTRESS--"Oh! The poor darling's just bitten some horrid person, and, really, you know, one can't be too careful."--_Life_.

"Do you know that that bulldog of yours killed my wife's little harmless, affectionate poodle?"

"Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"Would you be offended if I was to present him with a nice bra.s.s collar?"

Fleshy Miss m.u.f.fet Sat down on Tuffet, A very good dog in his way; When she saw what she'd done, She started to run-- And Tuffet was buried next day.

--_L.T.H_.

William J. Stevens, for several years local station agent at Swansea, R.

I., was peacefully promenading his platform one morning when a rash dog ventured to snap at one of William's plump legs. Stevens promptly kicked the animal halfway across the tracks, and was immediately confronted by the owner, who demanded an explanation in language more forcible than courteous.

"Why," said Stevens when the other paused for breath, "your dog's mad."

"Mad! Mad! You double-dyed blankety-blank fool, he ain't mad!"

"Oh, ain't he?" cut in Stevens. "Gos.h.!.+ I should be if any one kicked me like that!"

One would have it that a collie is the most sagacious of dogs, while the other stood up for the setter.

"I once owned a setter," declared the latter, "which was very intelligent. I had him on the street one day, and he acted so queerly about a certain man we met that I asked the man his name, and--"

"Oh, that's an old story!" the collie's advocate broke in sneeringly.