Toaster's Handbook Part 63

"'Move that train on!' sputtered the little 'super.' 'Get it off the crossing so people can pa.s.s. Move on, I say!'

"The brakeman surveyed the tempestuous little man from head to foot.

'You go to the deuce, you little shrimp,' he replied. 'You're small enough to crawl under.'"

ENEMIES

An old man who had led a sinful life was dying, and his wife sent for a near-by preacher to pray with him.

The preacher spent some time praying and talking, and finally the old man said: "What do you want me to do, Parson?"

"Renounce the Devil, renounce the Devil," replied the preacher.

"Well, but, Parson," protested the dying man, "I ain't in position to make any enemies."

It is better to decide a difference between enemies than friends, for one of our friends will certainly become an enemy and one of our enemies a friend.--_Bias_.

The world is large when its weary leagues two loving hearts divide; But the world is small when your enemy is loose on the other side.

--_John Boyle O'Reilly_.

ENGLAND

_See_ Great Britain.

ENGLISH LANGUAGE

A popular hotel in Rome has a sign in the elevator reading: "Please do not touch the Lift at your own risk."

The cla.s.s at Heidelberg was studying English conjugations, and each verb considered was used in a model sentence, so that the students would gain the benefit of p.r.o.nouncing the connected series of words, as well as learning the varying forms of the verb. This morning it was the verb "to have" in the sentence, "I have a gold mine."

Herr Schmitz was called to his feet by Professor Wulff.

"Conjugate 'do haff' in der sentence, 'I haff a golt mine," the professor ordered.

"I haff a golt mine, du hast a golt dein, he ha.s.s a golt hiss. Ve, you or dey haff a golt ours, yours or deirs, as de case may be."

Language is the expression of ideas, and if the people of one country cannot preserve an ident.i.ty of ideas, they cannot retain an ident.i.ty of language.--_Noah Webster_.

ENGLISHMEN

He who laughs last is an Englishman.--_Princeton Tiger_.

Nat Goodwill was at the club with an English friend and became the center of an appreciative group. A cigar man offered the comedian a cigar, saying that it was a new production.

"With each cigar, you understand," the promoter said, "I will give a coupon, and when you have smoked three thousand of them you may bring the coupons to me and exchange them for a grand piano."

Nat sniffed the cigar, pinched it gently, and then replied: "If I smoked three thousand of these cigars I think I would need a harp instead of a grand piano."

There was a burst of laughter in which the Englishman did not join, but presently he exploded with merriment. "I see the point" he exclaimed.

"Being an actor, you have to travel around the country a great deal and a harp would be so much more convenient to carry."

ENTHUSIASM

Theodore Watts, says Charles Rowley in his book "Fifty Years of Work Without Wages," tells a good story against himself. A nature enthusiast, he was climbing Snowdon, and overtook an old gypsy woman. He began to dilate upon the sublimity of the scenery, in somewhat gus.h.i.+ng phrases.

The woman paid no attention to him. Provoked by her irresponsiveness, he said, "You don't seem to care for this magnificent scenery?" She took the pipe from her mouth and delivered this settler: "I enjies it; I don't jabber."

EPITAPHS

LITTLE CLARENCE--"Pa!"

HIS FATHER--"Well, my son?"

LITTLE CLARENCE--"I took a walk through the cemetery to-day and read the inscriptions on the tombstones."

HIS FATHER--"And what were your thoughts after you had done so?"

LITTLE CLARENCE--"Why, pa, I wondered where all the wicked people were buried."--_Judge_.

The widower had just taken his fourth wife and was showing her around the village. Among the places visited was the churchyard, and the bride paused before a very elaborate tombstone that had been erected by the bridegroom. Being a little nearsighted she asked him to read the inscription, and in reverent tones he read: