Toaster's Handbook Part 76

FLIES

_See_ Pure food.

FLIRTATION

It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation is attention without intention.

"There's a belief that summer girls are always fickle."

"Yes, I got engaged on that theory, but it looks as if I'm in for a wedding or a breach of promise suit."

A teacher in one of the primary grades of the public school had noticed a striking platonic friends.h.i.+p that existed between Tommy and little Mary, two of her pupils.

Tommy was a bright enough youngster, but he wasn't disposed to prosecute his studies with much energy, and his teacher said that unless he stirred himself before the end of the year he wouldn't be promoted.

"You must study harder," she told him, "or you won't pa.s.s. How would you like to stay back in this cla.s.s another year and have little Mary go ahead of you?"

"Ah," said Tommy. "I guess there'll be other little Marys."

FLOWERS

Lulu was watching her mother working among the flowers. "Mama, I know why flowers grow," she said; "they want to get out of the dirt."

FOOD

A man went into a southern restaurant not long ago and asked for a piece of old-fas.h.i.+oned Was.h.i.+ngton pie. The waiter, not understanding and yet unwilling to concede his lack of knowledge, brought the customer a piece of chocolate cake.

"No, no, my friend," said the smiling man. "I meant _George_ Was.h.i.+ngton, not _Booker_ Was.h.i.+ngton."

One day a pastor was calling upon a dear old lady, one of the "pillars"

of the church to which they both belonged. As he thought of her long and useful life, and looked upon her sweet, placid countenance bearing but few tokens of her ninety-two years of earthly pilgrimage, he was moved to ask her, "My dear Mrs. S., what has been the chief source of your strength and sustenance during all these years? What has appealed to you as the real basis of your unusual vigor of mind and body, and has been to you an unfailing comfort through joy and sorrow? Tell me, that I may pa.s.s the secret on to others, and, if possible, profit by it myself."

The old lady thought a moment, then lifting her eyes, dim with age, yet kindling with sweet memories of the past, answered briefly, "Victuals."--_Sarah L. Tenney_.

A girl reading in a paper that fish was excellent brain-food wrote to the editor:

_Dear Sir_: Seeing as you say how fish is good for the brains, what kind of fish shall I eat?

To this the editor replied:

_Dear Miss_: Judging from the composition of your letter I should advise you to eat a whale.

A hungry customer seated himself at a table in a quick-lunch restaurant and ordered a chicken pie. When it arrived he raised the lid and sat gazing at the contents intently for a while. Finally he called the waiter.

"Look here, Sam," he said, "what did I order?"

"Chicken pie, sah."

"And what have you brought me?"

"Chicken pie, sah."

"Chicken pie, you black rascal!" the customer replied. "Chicken pie?

Why, there's not a piece of chicken in it, and never was."

"Dat's right, boss--dey ain't no chicken in it."

"Then why do you call it chicken pie? I never heard of such a thing."

"Dat's all right, boss. Dey don't have to be no chicken in a chicken pie. Dey ain't no dog in a dog biscuit, is dey?"

_See also_ Dining.

FOOTBALL

His SISTER--"His nose seems broken."

His FIANCEE--"And he's lost his front teeth."

His MOTHER--"But he didn't drop the ball!"--_Life_.