Toaster's Handbook Part 77

FORDS

A boy stood with one foot on the sidewalk and the other on the step of a Ford automobile. A playmate pa.s.sed him, looked at his position, then sang out: "Hey, Bobbie, have you lost your other skate?"

A farmer noticing a man in automobile garb standing in the road and gazing upward, asked him if he were watching the birds.

"No," he answered, "I was cranking my Ford car and my hand slipped off and the thing got away and went straight up in the air."

FORECASTING

A lady in a southern town was approached by her colored maid.

"Well, Jenny?" she asked, seeing that something was in the air.

"Please, Mis' Mary, might I have the aft'noon off three weeks frum Wednesday?" Then, noticing an undecided look in her mistress's face, she added hastily--"I want to go to my finance's fun'ral."

"Goodness me," answered the lady--"Your finance's funeral! Why, you don't know that he's even going to die, let alone the date of his funeral. That is something we can't any of us be sure about--when we are going to die."

"Yes'm," said the girl doubtfully. Then, with a triumphant note in her voice--"I'se sure about him, Mis', 'cos he's goin' to be hung!"

FORESIGHT

"They tell me you're working 'ard night an' day, Sarah?" her bosom friend Ann said.

"Yes," returned Sarah. "I'm under bonds to keep the peace for pullin'

the whiskers out of that old scoundrel of a husban' of mine, and the Magistrate said that if I come afore 'im ag'in, or laid me 'ands on the old man, he'd fine me forty s.h.i.+llin's!"

"And so you're working 'ard to keep out of mischief?"

"Not much; I'm workin' 'ard to save up the fine!"

"Mike, I wish I knew where I was goin' to die. I'd give a thousand dollars to know the place where I'm goin' to die."

"Well, Pat, what good would it do if yez knew?"

"Lots," said Pat. "Shure I'd never go near that place."

There once was a pious young priest, Who lived almost wholly on yeast; "For," he said, "it is plain We must all rise again, And I want to get started, at least."

FORGETFULNESS

_See_ Memory.

FORTUNE HUNTERS

HER FATHER--"So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you fixed the day of the wedding?"

SUITOR--"I will leave that to my fiancee."

H.F.--"Will you have a church or a private wedding?"

S.--"Her mother can decide that, sir."

H.F.--"What have you to live on?"

S.--"I will leave that entirely to you, sir."

The London consul of a continental kingdom was informed by his government that one of his countrywomen, supposed to be living in Great Britain, had been left a large fortune. After advertising without result, he applied to the police, and a smart young detective was set to work. A few weeks later his chief asked how he was getting on.

"I've found the lady, sir."

"Good! Where is she?"

"At my place. I married her yesterday."

"I would die for you," said the rich suitor.

"How soon?" asked the practical girl.

HE--"I'd like to meet Miss Bond."

SHE--"Why?"

"I hear she has thirty thousand a year and no inc.u.mbrance."

"Is she looking for one?"--_Life_.