Toaster's Handbook Part 78

MAUDE--"I've just heard of a case where a man married a girl on his deathbed so she could have his millions when he was gone. Could you love a girl like that?"

JACK--"That's just the kind of a girl I could love. What's her address?"

"Yes," said the old man to his young visitor, "I am proud of my girls, and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1,000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again, and I shall give her $3,000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will have $5,000 with her."

The young man reflected for a moment and then inquired: "You haven't one about fifty, have you?"

FOUNTAIN PENS

"Fust time you've ever milked a cow, is it?" said Uncle Josh to his visiting nephew. "Wal, y' do it a durn sight better'n most city fellers do."

"It seems to come natural somehow," said the youth, flus.h.i.+ng with pleasure. "I've had a good deal of practice with a fountain pen."

"Percy" asks if we know anything which will change the color of the fingers when they have become yellow from cigarette smoking.

He might try using one of the inferior makes of fountain pens.

FOURTH OF JULY

"You are in favor of a safe and sane Fourth of July?"

"Yes," replied Mr. Growcher. "We ought to have that kind of a day at least once a year."

One Fourth of July night in London, the Empire Music Hall advertised special attractions to American visitors. All over the auditorium the Union Jack and Stars and Stripes enfolded one another, and at the interludes were heard "Yankee Doodle" and "Hail Columbia," while a quartette sang "Down upon the Swanee River." It was an occasion to swell the heart of an exiled patriot. Finally came the turn of the Human Encyclopedia, who advanced to the front of the stage and announced himself ready to answer, sight unseen, all questions the audience might propound. A volley of queries was fired at him, and the Encyclopedia breathlessly told the distance of the earth from Mars, the number of bones in the human skeleton, of square miles in the British Empire, and other equally important facts. There was a brief pause, in which an American stood up.

"What great event took place July 4, 1776?" he propounded in a loud glad voice.

The Human Encyclopedia glared at him. "Th' hincident you speak of, sir, was a hinfamous houtrage!"

FREAKS

_See_ Husbands.

FREE THOUGHT

TOMMY--"Pop, what is a freethinker?"

POP--"A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't married."

FRENCH LANGUAGE

"I understand you speak French like a native."

"No," replied the student; "I've got the grammar and the accent down pretty fine. But it's hard to learn the gestures."

In Paris last summer a southern girl was heard to drawl between the acts of "Chantecler": "I think it's mo' fun when you don't understand French.

It sounds mo' like chickens!"--_Life_.

FRESHMEN

_See_ College Students.

FRIENDS

The Lord gives our relatives, Thank G.o.d we can choose our friends.

"Father."

"Well, what is it?"

"It says here, 'A man is known by the company he keeps.'

Is that so, Father?"

"Yes, yes, yes."