Toaster's Handbook Part 79

"Well, Father, if a good man keeps company with a bad man, is the good man bad because he keeps company with the bad man, and is the bad man good because he keeps company with the good man?"--_Punch_.

Here's champagne to our real friends.

And real pain to our sham friends.

It's better to make friends fast Than to make fast friends.

Some friends are a habit--some a luxury.

A friend is one who overlooks your virtues and appreciates your faults.

FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF

A visitor to Philadelphia, unfamiliar with the garb of the Society of Friends, was much interested in two demure and placid Quakeresses who took seats directly behind her in the Broad Street Station. After a few minutes' silence she was somewhat startled to hear a gentle voice inquire: "Sister Kate, will thee go to the counter and have a milk punch on me?"--_Carolina Lockhart_.

FRIENDs.h.i.+P

Friendly may we part and quickly meet again.

There's fellows.h.i.+p In every sip Of friends.h.i.+p's brew.

May we all travel through the world and sow it thick with friends.h.i.+p.

Here's to the four hinges of Friends.h.i.+p-- Swearing, Lying, Stealing and Drinking.

When you swear, swear by your country; When you lie, lie for a pretty woman, When you steal, steal away from bad company And when you drink, drink with me.

The trouble with having friends is the upkeep.

"Brown volunteered to lend me money."

"Did you take it?"

"No. That sort of friends.h.i.+p is too good to lose."

"I let my house furnished, and they've had measles there. Of course we've had the place disinfected; so I suppose it's quite safe. What do you think?"

"I fancy it would be all right, dear; but I think, perhaps, it would be safer to lend it to a friend first."--_Punch_.

"Hoo is it, Jeemes, that you mak' sic an enairmous profit aff yer potatoes? Yer price is lower than ony ither in the toon and ye mak'

extra reductions for yer freends."

"Weel, ye see, I knock aff twa s.h.i.+llin's a ton beacuse a customer is a freend o' mine, an' then I jist tak' twa hundert-weight aff the ton because I'm a freend o' his."--_Punch_.

The conductor of a western freight train saw a tramp stealing a ride on one of the forward cars. He told the brakeman in the caboose to go up and put the man off at the next stop. When the brakeman approached the tramp, the latter waved a big revolver and told him to keep away.

"Did you get rid of him?" the conductor asked the brakeman, when the train was under motion again.

"I hadn't the heart," was the reply. "He turned out to be an old school friend of mine."

"I'll take care of him," said the conductor, as he started over the tops of the cars.

After the train had made another stop and gone on, the brakeman came into the caboose and said to the conductor:

"Well, is he off?"

"No; he turned out to be an old school friend of mine, too."

If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep his friends.h.i.+p in constant repair.--_Samuel Johnson_.

They say, and I am glad they say, It is so; and it may be so; It may be just the other way, I cannot tell, but this I know-- From quiet homes and first beginnings Out to the undiscovered ends There's nothing worth the wear of winning Save laughter and the love of friends.

--_Hilaire Belloc_.

FUN

Fun is like life insurance, th' older you git th' more it costs.--_Abe Martin_.

_See also_ Amus.e.m.e.nts.

FUNERALS