Toaster's Handbook Part 83

GOOD FELLOWs.h.i.+P

A gla.s.s is good, a la.s.s is good, And a pipe to smoke in cold weather, The world is good and the people are good, And we're all good fellows together.

May good humor preside when good fellows meet, And reason prescribe when'tis time to retreat.

Here's to us that are here, to you that are there, and the rest of us everywhere.

Here's to all the world,-- For fear some darn fool may take offence.

GOSSIP

A gossip is a person who syndicates his conversation.--_d.i.c.k d.i.c.kinson_.

Gossips are the spies of life.

"However did you reconcile Adele and Mary?"

"I gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat it to each other."

The seven-year-old daughter of a prominent suburban resident is, the neighbors say, a precocious youngster; at all events, she knows the ways of the world.

Her mother had occasion to punish her one day last week for a particularly mischievous prank, and after she had talked it over very solemnly sent the little girl up to her room.

An hour later the mother went upstairs. The child was sitting complacently on the window seat, looking out at the other children.

"Well, little girl," the mother began, "did you tell G.o.d all about how naughty you'd been?"

The youngster shook her head, emphatically. "Guess I didn't," she gurgled; "why, it'd be all over heaven in no time."

Get a gossip wound up and she will run somebody down.--_Life_.

"Papa, mamma says that one-half the world doesn't know how the other half lives."

"Well, she shouldn't blame herself, dear, it isn't her fault."

It is only national history that "repeats itself." Your private history is repeated by the neighbors.

"You're a terrible scandal-monger, Link.u.m," said Jorrocks.

"Why in thunder don't you make it a rule to tell only half what you hear?"

"That's what I do do," said Link.u.m. "Only I tell the spicy half."

"What," asked the Sunday-school teacher, "is meant by bearing false witness against one's neighbor?"

"It's telling falsehoods about them," said the one small maid.

"Partly right and partly wrong," said the teacher.

"I know," said another little girl, holding her hand high in the air.

"It's when n.o.body did anything and somebody went and told about it."--_H.R. Bennett_.

MAUD--"That story you told about Alice isn't worth repeating."

KATE--"It's young yet; give it time."

SON--"Why do people say 'Dame Gossip'?"

FATHER--"Because they are too polite to leave off the 'e.'"

I cannot tell how the truth may be; I say the tale as 'twas said to me.

Never tell evil of a man, if you do not know it for a certainty, and if you do know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, "Why should I tell it?"--_Lavater_.

GOVERNMENT OWNERs.h.i.+P

"Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the government?"

"I might if I didn't know who controlled the government."--_Life_.