Toaster's Handbook - BestLightNovel.com
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"Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!"
"Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights."
"Is the baby strong?"
"Well, rather! You know what a tremendous voice he has?"
"Yes."
"Well, he lifts that five or six times an hour!"--_Comic Cuts_.
Recipe for a baby:
Clean and dress a wriggle, add a pint of nearly milk, Smother with a pillow any sneeze; Baste with talc.u.m powder and mark upon its back-- "Don't forget that you were one of these."
--_Life_.
INQUISITIVENESS
_See_ Wives.
INSANITY
_See_ Editors; Love.
INSPIRATIONS
She was from Boston, and he was not.
He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knew nothing, and their books, of which he knew less.
Presently the maiden asked archly: "Of course, you've read 'Romeo and Juliet?'"
He floundered helplessly for a moment and then, having a brilliant thought, blurted out, happily:
"I've--I've read Romeo!"
INSTALMENT PLAN
Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is paying instalments on.
INSTRUCTIONS
A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered up the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turned to the young man in uniform.
"Porter," he said. "I'm going to St. Louis, to the Fair. I want to be well taken care of. I pay for it. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir, but--"
"Never mind any 'buts.' You listen to what I say. Keep the train boys away from me. Dust me off whenever I want you to. Give me an extra blanket, and if there is any one in the berth over me slide him into another. I want you to--"
"But, say, boss, I--"
"Young man, when I'm giving instructions I prefer to do the talking myself. You do as I say. Here is a two-dollar bill. I want to get the good of it. Not a word, sir."
The train was starting. The porter pocketed the bill with a grin and swung himself to the ground. "All right, boss!" he shouted. "You can do the talking if you want to. I'm powerful sorry you wouldn't let me tell you--but I ain't going out on that train."
INSURANCE, LIFE
A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other day.
"Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked.
"No," said the man.
"Do you motor?"
"No."
"Do you, then, perhaps, fly?"
"No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I have no dangerous--"
